Out of Destruction
by Jules Hawk
Summary: Second chances. He'd never believed in them but now he had one. Was he brave enough to use it? Could he be good enough? Would she feel the same? A Shoker story. Rated M for language, these are marines and probably future smut.
1. Chapter 1

'Jeff, this has to stop,' Dr Chakwas sighed as she wrapped Joker's fingers. 'You can't continue to hit anyone who doesn't agree with you, I can only mend your bones so many times. You've already suffered a broken leg, fractured ribs and arm, how much more are you going to put yourself through?'

'What can I say Doc,' he grimaced as she pulled the bandage tight. 'I'm not going to stand by and listen to people who have no idea what they're talking about. I won't let them dishonour her memory.'

Chakwas saw the pain in his eyes and shook her head. 'Do you really think this is what she would want?'

'No.' He grunted angrily and tried to pull his hand away but failed. 'She would want to be alive, to be fucking taking on the galaxy, to be living and breathing.' He almost sobbed the last word and Chakwas put her hand on his shoulder.

'She wouldn't want you to keep punishing yourself either.'

'She died because of me!' he shook off her hand and stared out the window into the red haze that was Mars, there was storm on the horizon that matched the storm in his heart. 'She died because I refused to leave the damned ship.'

'No Jeff, she died because she was the Commander.' She placed her hand on his chin and turned his face to her. 'It was her job to make sure her crew was safe just as it was your job to give the crew time to get to safety. She would not condemn you to eternal guilt for doing your job. If you hadn't we would have lost a lot more people. We owe you our lives for hanging on so long.'

Joker yanked his head out of her grip and stared at the floor, 'She should have left me, I should have been the one to die with the ship.' He felt the tears building as they always did when he thought of her, of watching her being thrown into space, flailing to reach the leak in her suit then the stillness as her oxygen ran out and the red glow as she entered the atmosphere. 'She should have fucking left me,' it was a whisper, a plea.

Chakwas sighed and completed the wrapping of Joker's hand. When she was offered the position on Mars she had insisted that Jeff come with her. It wasn't Alliance but they were both disillusioned with the Alliance, especially Jeff when they took away his flight status. She thought being able to fly again, even if it was only shuttle runs, might have helped him get over his grief, his guilt and his self-destruction. To a point it had, she hadn't seen him drink himself into a stupor for the last couple of months but the guilt was eating away at him and she didn't know how to help him.

'All done,' she gathered up her equipment as Jeff slipped down from the bed and picked up his crutches. 'Please don't go getting into any more fights for a while and be careful when flying, you need some time to heal.'

'Don't worry,' he nodded to the storm outside. 'Won't be any flying for a few days when that hits, besides, I can fly one handed better than most pilots can with two.' He gave her a half smile, 'Thanks doc, for everything.'

She nodded and watched him leave, her heart going out to him. She jumped as her terminal beeped and she answered it to see Liara looking back at her.

'Liara,' she couldn't help the surprise in her voice.

'Dr Chakwas,' Liara sounded hesitant but continued. 'I have a proposition for you but I'm not sure you'll like where it's coming from.'

'What is it Liara?'

'Do you remember some time ago I asked you for a copy of Shepard's medical records? There was a reason for that which I couldn't explain at the time but the results are…..'

'Liara, what's going on?' Chakwas felt her stomach churning and her palms were sweating, she had broken regs to give Liara those records, was it coming back to bite her.

'Shepard is alive.' Liara went on to explain how Shepard's remains had become a prize, sold to the highest bidder. Liara had been the highest bidder. She had discovered some information that gave her hope and it had paid off.

Chakwas dropped into her chair as she stared at the screen in dumbfounded silence. Her mouth was moving but nothing was coming out.

'I'm sorry to surprise you like this doctor but it's only been confirmed in the last few days that the project was a success.'

'What? How? Who?' Chakwas stopped speaking as she tried to gather her words into a coherent sentence.

'This is the part you are not going to like,' Liara flinched, 'Cerberus.'

Chakwas felt her breath stop and her chest contract. 'Cerberus? Why, after everything she did to destroy them?'

'Because they understand that we need her to defeat the Reapers, to save the galaxy.' Liara was defensive now and was that guilt behind her eyes. Why did everyone who knew Shepard feel some kind of guilt over her death?

'What do you want from me, Liara?'

'They are putting together a ship and crew and need a medical doctor; I thought you might like the job.'

'How do I know this is really Shepard and not some clone or construct? I need proof before I agree to anything.'

'I would expect nothing less,' Liara let out a long sigh. 'I am sending you some data so you know exactly how this was done and what the medical outcomes may be. I will contact you again tomorrow for your decision.'

'Wait,' Chakwas stopped Liara from cutting the connection. 'You said they are putting together a crew, do they need a pilot?'

'Yes, I was hoping to find Joker but he seems to have disappeared.'

'He's here, on Mars, with me.' Chakwas saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. 'Do you want me to ask him?'

'If you would, please,' Liara almost smiled. 'Until tomorrow.'

* * *

Joker stopped at the small market to order supplies then made his way slowly back to the one roomed apartment that had been home for the last six months. At least it wasn't far, nothing was far on Mars and he was thankful for that, walking was hard enough even for a short distance. He thought about drowning his sorrows in alcohol but changed his mind and made coffee instead. He was a little proud of his willpower as all he wanted to do was get drunk and forget. It was fourteen months, two weeks and three days, he remembered it almost down to the minute, since the Normandy was lost, since Shepard was lost and he still found it hard to let go, to get over the grief, the guilt.

When Chakwas had asked him to come to Mars he had jumped at the chance. The Alliance had given up on finding those responsible for Shepard's death, they had brushed the Reaper threat under the carpet, they had buried everything she had ever fought for, protected them from. And he hated them for that.

Flying shuttles wasn't like flying the Normandy but at least he was flying. The first time he was back behind the controls he panicked, what if he needed to fight off a reaper ship or some other unknown enemy. Could he do it right the next time around? His own self-doubt haunted him but he soon fell back into familiar routines and even though the flights were short in system flights he was happy enough to be back at the helm. It gave him something to concentrate on, to keep him sane.

In his spare time he studied every scrap of tactical, instructional and extranet blog he could find on space flight, dogfights, aerial combat and anything else that might be useful if he ever again had to fight for his ship and crew. He'd found it stimulating and he'd even tried a few manoeuvres during standard flights, much to the surprise of his co-pilot who was in awe of his skill. But doing it in a shuttle was not the same as manoeuvring a frigate like the Normandy and Joker hoped he would get the chance to at least try.

He dropped onto his sofa and sighed as the pressure on his legs was relieved. His fingers throbbed and he felt the slow drag of the painkillers kicking in. He closed his eyes, allowing the painkillers to do their job, giving in to the physical and emotional exhaustion that had become his constant companion.

'_Joker, we have to go!'_

'_No! I can still save her!'_

'_Going down with the ship will not help anyone,' she grabbed his arm and he turned to look at her. There was panic in her eyes and something else. 'Jeff, please.'_

'_All right, help me up,' he relented and cursed as she tightened her grip._

_The ship exploded behind them as their attackers took another shot. He watched in horror as the void grabbed her, as she punched the release for his pod. He knew then what the look in her eyes was – regret._

'_Shepard!' He heard his screams, felt his tears, the blood on his fingers as he clawed at the hatch. 'Ari.' He sobbed as the escape pod tumbled uncontrollably through space, as it tossed him around like a rag doll. He heard his bones crack but the pain was nothing compared to the pain in his heart._

Joker slammed back into reality, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sat up and waited for his heart to slow. The door buzzer sounded and he ignored it. He had no real friends, he'd closed himself off from the world even more than when he'd been in the pilot's seat. He'd finally let someone in and that hadn't worked out so well, so he kept everyone at arm's length. The buzzer sounded again, longer this time, insistent. He cursed loudly as he lurched to the door and opened it to find Dr Chakwas standing in his doorway. She looked up at him but said nothing about the tears he hadn't wiped from his face.

'Hey Doc,' he motioned for her to come in, wiping his face absently. 'You don't need to check up on me at home, I'm not doing anything stupid tonight.'

Dr Chakwas walked into his apartment and paced slowly, he could see she was nervous, upset. 'I have something to tell you and I don't know if you'll like it, where it's coming from.' She sighed and stopped to look him in the eyes.

'Doc, what's going on?' A bad feeling settled in his gut as he saw the confusion on her face.

'Shepard is alive.'

Joker stared at her, his mouth open his eyes wide in disbelief. Was she deliberately trying to send him insane or was this her way of testing his resolve to deal with his problems. It hurt to think that she would deliberately push him this way.

'I never thought of you as a comedian doc,' he tried to sound light-hearted but failed.

'Jeff, I am telling you the truth. Shepard is alive.' She dropped onto the sofa and ran her fingers through her hair. 'I didn't believe it either but if what I've seen is real then she is alive.'

'That's not possible!' He glared down at her. 'I saw her get spaced, I watched her suffocate and fucking burn up!' He fought to hold back tears, his nails cutting into his palms as he clenched his fists in anger.

'I know, Jeff,' Chakwas sighed. 'Please, sit down and hear me out.'

Joker scowled at her but sat down, he was trembling and his anger was simmering as he met her eyes.

'Liara contacted me and told me that Shepard's remains had been found, mercs were selling her to the highest bidder so she made sure that was her. She got her hands on some specialised medical information and contacted the scientists to see what could be done.' Chakwas took a deep breath. 'It was Cerberus. They said they could bring her back so Liara gave them Shepard's remains.'

Joker completely lost all sense of reality. This had to be a nightmare that he couldn't wake up from. There was no way it could be true, it wasn't possible.

'They did it Jeff,' Chakwas whispered, as if she didn't believe it herself.

'That's not possible,' Joker repeated himself. 'It has to be a clone, a VI of some sort. How? Why?' His heart raced as he allowed himself to hope that there was some truth in what he was hearing.

'Apparently they think she's the only one who can defeat the Reapers and they've spared no expense in bringing her back.' Chakwas glanced around the small apartment that Joker called home. 'Damn, I could do with a drink.'

'So could I,' Jeff limped into the kitchen and grabbed a half full bottle of whisky and two glasses, poured two fingers neat and handed one to the doctor before gulping down his own. He refilled his glass and returned to the sofa with the bottle.

They sat in silence for several minutes, both lost in their own memories. Shepard's death had affected everyone deeply, it was as if the sun had gone out. When the Alliance and Council swept everything under the carpet and insinuated that Shepard had been crazy a black hole opened up and sucked in the crew of the Normandy.

'Are you sure about this, doc?' Joker watched as Chakwas organised her thoughts.

'I've seen the logs and vids, the medical procedures and the science behind it. I can't say I understand it all but it appears to be the truth. Project Lazarus is what they've called it.'

'Is there any way we can find out if this is true?' Joker found himself grasping at hope.

'Liara says they need a medical doctor to look after Shepard,' she met Joker's wide-eyed stare. 'They need a pilot for the ship they're providing.'

'Cerberus,' Joker grimaced. 'If Shepard is really alive she won't be eager to work with the organisation she tried to destroy.'

'I know.' Dr Chakwas held out her glass for a refill. 'Liara is contacting me tomorrow and I need to let her know if I'm interested in taking the job. Of course I will actually need to see Shepard before I decide.' She took a sip of her drink, 'Are you interested in being their pilot?'

'If they can prove that it really is Shepard then hell yeah,' there was a flicker of release in his heart, a sliver of grief breaking at the thought of seeing her again but the vision of her dying was still too strong to ignore. He would go with Chakwas, only to see for himself if any of this was true, if there was any redemption for him.

Chakwas stood up to leave, 'I'll tell Liara and see where we go from there.'

Joker walked her to the door, 'I don't know if Shepard will be happy if it is her they've brought back but if it is her and I can be there for her I have to be.'

He watched as Chakwas nodded her head in understanding then walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I should have put this on the first chapter but forgot so here it is. I was always a little peeved that as a straight female I only had one human option for an LI. Joker would have been a second chance and James in ME3. So this is my story of how Shepard and Joker would work. This Shepard is a Spacer, war hero, soldier and her name is Arelia.**

**I hope I capture Joker's character but if you think I haven't please let me know. Not planning to include all the missions etc, just bringing these two together in between.  
**

**Some of the music I've been listening to while writing seems to fit perfectly with the story so don't be surprised if bits of it end up on the page. Hope you enjoy.**

**Bioware owns all - I'm just moving things around a little.**

* * *

Joker couldn't believe it. Six weeks had passed since they first found out about Shepard's resurrection, two weeks since a shuttle had collected them from Mars and delivered them to wherever they were. He had no idea. They had been put up in pretty good accommodations on a station of some kind and questioned about their relationship with Shepard, their memories and their ability to help her once she was up and moving again.

Joker had answered their questions, put up with their probing but enough was enough. He reached the point where he needed to know the truth, to see if it really was Shepard. So now here he was, looking through the window of a medbay at a woman who if it wasn't Shepard was a damn good copy.

'So she's not a clone or a VI,' he asked for the third time.

'No,' the woman called Miranda gave an exasperated sigh.

The woman alongside him astounded Joker. She was a taller than him, perfect hair, perfect skin and a perfect body, made more obvious by the one-piece body-hugging suit she was wearing. It certainly didn't leave much to the imagination. And this woman was responsible for bringing Shepard back.

'There are some cybernetics where we couldn't use original tissue, a skin weave that is impossible to tell from the real thing and optical replacements, the optic nerves suffered serious damage and we didn't want her to be blind so we cloned new ones.' Miranda looked at a datapad in her hand. 'But for all that she is still Shepard, her brain is complete, her DNA is the same and all we can hope for is that her memories are intact. We won't know until she wakes up how much of Shepard remains.'

Joker looked back at the woman lying on the bed. Her hair was shorter and she had a few more scars that Miranda assured him would eventually disappear. If he didn't know better he would think she was simply asleep, that almost two years hadn't passed since she fell away from him into the hell that was Alchera. It seemed like he'd known her forever but he still remembered the very moment he first saw her.

'_Have you heard? Commander Shepard is our new XO.'_

'_Yeah,' Joker snorted, 'probably be some cold, hard ass marine that won't give us the time of day.'_

'_How can you say that,' Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko gaped at him. 'She's saved so many lives, given everything she has to do it. Someone like that can't be cold and hard.'_

'_We'll see,' Joker smirked at him, 'got a bit of hero worship goin' on there Alenko?'_

'_What's not to worship, I'd be proud to fight alongside her?'_

'_I'm sure you'll get your chance, just don't get in her sights, she doesn't miss so I hear.'_

'_Hundred per cent kill rate,' a female voice spoke behind Joker and he spun his seat in surprise._

_He found himself lost for words as he looked into the most beautiful blue grey eyes he'd ever seen. Dark hair framed the face that held those eyes that twinkled at him as a smile played on light pink lips. She raised an eyebrow and he floundered even more as colour rushed to his cheeks._

'_Commander,' he managed to get out and she laughed._

'_What no witty comeback. I hear you're the king of comebacks.'_

'_Give me a minute, I'm sure I'll think of something,' he couldn't stop the grin that escaped._

'_I'll mark this one up to me then,' she made a mark in the air with her finger and Joker chuckled. 'I think you'd better do something about that red light flashing on your console.'_

'_Oh shit,' Joker turned in a panic to see everything green and she laughed again. Damn, she was going to be a challenge._

'_Get us to the relay, flyboy,' she chuckled._

'_Yes, ma'am,' his fingers were already working the controls as he heard her walk away. He couldn't resist the urge to look back and he groaned as he watched the perfect backside make its way to CIC._

'_Now who's got a case of hero worship,' Alenko laughed._

'_Ass worship, Alenko, there's a difference,' he worked his magic on the console but couldn't see past the blue grey eyes that were burned into his view. So much for a cold, hard ass, although that ass certainly didn't look cold or hard. Damn, he realised she'd got to him already, this was going to be an interesting mission._

'I have other news for you, Mr Moreau,' Miranda brought him back into the present and switched to a second data pad. 'We can assist with your illness as well. We can give you the ability to walk unaided.'

Joker gaped at her, snapped his jaw shut then gaped at her again. 'How?'

'The medical details are probably beyond your understanding but we have explained them to Dr Chakwas who believes this procedure will work for you.' Miranda continued to study her data pad, there was no emotion in her voice and Joker wondered if she felt anything at all. 'The procedure will take several hours of surgery and several weeks of recovery but if you are willing to be Shepard's pilot we are willing to do this for you.'

'Hell yeah,' Joker couldn't' keep the elation out of his voice. 'I'd like to speak to Dr Chakwas about this first though, person I can trust and all, you know.'

'I would expect nothing less,' Miranda simply raised her eyebrows. 'Ask Dr Chakwas to let me know when you are ready.'

Joker watched her walk back into the med bay to check on Shepard unable to believe that this was happening. His world had been turned upside down, inside out and it didn't seem to be slowing down any. Shepard was alive. He had the possibility of walking unaided. He was getting a ship. If it hadn't been thanks to Cerberus it would have been perfect. But if that was the only way for this to happen who was he to complain.

He took a long look at Shepard and realised he might have a chance at forgiveness, at being able to live again. He might be able to tell her how he felt about her, something he had wanted to do for a long time but never had the guts. He was being given another chance, perhaps the universe had taken pity on him. All he needed was for Shepard to wake up. He didn't care if she blamed him and refused to have anything to do with him, as long as she was alive it didn't matter. For the first time in a long time he smiled a genuine smile then turned and went to find Dr Chakwas.

* * *

Joker walked the corridor to the communication room, still amazed at his ability to do it without crutches. It had been six weeks of extreme pain, hard physiotherapy and sheer determination to get to this point but he had done it and it was worth it. The doctors had told him that if he kept up his exercises eventually his limp would almost disappear. He wasn't cured but at least he wouldn't break a bone just getting up out of his chair.

Now he just had to get down this corridor and he would find out if Shepard was as happy to see him as he was to see her. His heart was in his mouth as he came to the doorway, he could hear her voice and it was beautiful, but he couldn't stop the fear that closed its fist around his stomach.

He stood leaning against the wall, watching in wonder as the woman he had seen die two years earlier stood arguing with the Illusive Man and he couldn't help the grin that broke out.

'I've found a pilot I think you'll like.'

He saw Shepard's shoulders droop as the communication link disappeared and his grin faded as he realised how much of a shock this must be for her. He felt the fear give way to concern and an instant need to protect her from despair, from loss and grief. He couldn't imagine what was going through her head, how she was coping with being brought back. All he knew was that he wanted to help her, to be there for her.

'Hey Commander, just like old times, huh.'

He watched her turn to face him and braced for the resentment and hate he felt he deserved.

'Joker!' she stared at him open mouthed and before he could say more she was across the room and hugging him tightly, her arms around his neck and her face buried in his shoulder.

It was the last thing he expected and he fell back against the wall, his arms instinctively closing around her. He could smell her hair, the vanilla and cinnamon she always used, he'd loved that smell when it lingered in the cockpit after one of her nightly visits. He could feel the heat from her body, the strength in her arms as she held him. She was shaking and he was sure he heard a sob. His own tears rolled down his cheeks, she was alive, this was really her.

'Hey,' he moved his hands, one to her lower back and one to the back of her head, his fingers entwining themselves in her hair. Never for a moment did he think he would be holding this woman in his arms, comforting her. Only in his dreams did he expect this, hope for this. 'It's okay.'

'Is it?' her muffled voice cracked and she held him tighter, as if she was afraid he wasn't real. 'You're alive, you're here.'

'I'll always be here,' he whispered unsure if she heard him.

Shepard lifted her head so she could look at him. His familiar green eyes, tinged with pain and sadness, something that hadn't been there before, the scruffy beard and of course his cap. There were more creases than she remembered and she remembered his face like it was her own. She loved that face, it was home.

She placed her palm against his cheek and felt a shudder pass through him. 'It's nice to see a friendly face.' She gave him a weak smile.

'It's nice to see you alive,' he smirked and then kicked himself inwardly as she closed her eyes to hold back more tears. 'What, you'd rather be dead than zooming around the galaxy with a handsome pilot who just happens to be the greatest pilot ever and you get to shoot things.'

She chuckled and he was rather pleased with himself. Unfortunately she also pulled away and he felt cold where she had been leaning against him, but her hands still rested on his chest and his on her hips.

'Zooming?' she lifted an eyebrow and he grinned, it was so familiar.

'Hey, limited vocabulary here,' he feigned hurt and she laughed. It was the sweetest sound he had ever heard.

'What are you doing here, Joker?' she met his eyes and he looked into the blue grey pools that even though they had been regrown were still hers. 'What did Cerberus offer you?'

'You,' he said bluntly and she gaped at him. 'They said they could bring you back and I wanted to be here if and when they did.' He waited for the anger and disappointment to show on her face but she simply smiled.

'Thank you,' she reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Joker closed his eyes and wished this moment would last forever but that only happened in his dreams and he was awake. He sighed and pulled himself upright letting his hands fall to his sides as she stepped back.

'No crutches.'

'Yeah, once I agreed to be your pilot they fixed my legs. I can walk better but...,'

'You still can't dance,' she finished and laughed.

'Something like that,' he laughed with her.

'Well, if you're my hotshot pilot where is my ship?' She folded her arms over her chest and leaned on one hip and Joker smiled at the normality of her stance.

'I think you're going to like this,' he took her hand and led her down the corridor to an observation deck, noticing the way her fingers locked with his, how perfectly her hand fit into his. 'I saw her for the first time last night.'

Shepard looked at him strangely and he nodded for her to look out the window. Lights slowly came on to reveal the sleek sexy shape of a ship, but not just any ship, a frigate that could almost be the Normandy. Joker heard her gasp and her grip on his fingers tightened.

'She's a little bigger, faster and stealthier than the SR-1 but she's the same basic design.' He gazed out the window enraptured with his new baby but he turned to face Shepard before adding, 'she's ours and she needs a name.'

'She's not the Normandy, Joker,' Shepard stared at the ship before meeting his eyes that held nothing but warmth and tenderness and she felt a pang of jealousy that a ship could arouse him like that. She had just got him back and she felt like she was losing him already.

'No she's not,' he agreed and he turned around further so he was facing her and not the ship, lifting her hand that was still locked into his up to his chest, covering their clasped fingers with his other hand. 'The physical build is not what makes a ship, it's the crew, the people who live within, they are the heart and soul of a ship. You were the heart of the Normandy, she beat around you and she died with you.' He couldn't stop the pain that filled his eyes so he closed them.

She reached up and placed her other hand over his, moving closer to him, so close he could feel her breath on his face. Slowly he opened his eyes to meet hers, saw sadness and regret within.

'If I was the heart you were the soul,' she said softly. 'The heart can't survive without the soul so I guess if the heart and soul are intact and together something of the original survives. Let's hope we can make her happy.'

'So,' he looked at her with a questioning glance, 'Should we name her in memory of those who gave the SR-1 life?'

'Yes I think we should, and hope she lives up to her namesake.'

'How can she not with the best pilot in the galaxy at her helm and the strongest warrior in the universe protecting her.'

'Guess we'll find out,' she grinned at him, not the least bit interested in pulling her hand from his.

Joker was a part of her past, an important part and she didn't want to let go. He was her link to her sanity, her life, her future. She remembered her last thought as she watched the Normandy break apart around her, her last thought had been of him, his green eyes, his sexy smile, his warped sense of humour. He'd survived, he'd come for her, he was here for her. They were together again and the galaxy somehow seemed a warmer place.

* * *

_I'd fight for you_  
_ I'd lie, it's true_  
_ Give my life for you_  
_ You know I'd always come for you_  
_ You know I'd always come for you_

_ No matter what gets in my way_  
_ As long as there's still life in me_  
_ No matter what, remember_  
_ You know I'll always come for you_

_**I'll Come For You **_

_******Nickelback**_


	3. Chapter 3

Arelia Shepard stood on the bridge and watched Joker spin to face her. The last time she had been in this position she had been a Commander in the Alliance, now she was nothing. She didn't consider herself a Cerberus Operative, she would never be that. But what did that make her? She couldn't see herself as anything other than Commander Arelia Shepard

'Leather seats,' Joker had a grin from ear to ear and Shepard couldn't help but laugh.

'Only the best for the best pilot,' she tried to be serious but failed.

'All I have to do now is get the ship up to my specs and everything will be great.'

'Mr Moreau it is not advisable to make adjustments while the ship is in transit, it should be done while docked.'

'And there is the downside,' Joker grimaced.

Shepard had already met the AI and was undecided as to whether or not she agreed with having it on board, whether she could trust it. Only time would tell.

She had come on board with Miranda and Jacob feeling completely overwhelmed and out of place. Miranda had been quick to take control but Shepard had pulled her back into line, reminding her that she was in command. Miranda hadn't liked it but accepted it and to make it crystal clear she had ordered Joker to get them to the Citadel rather than Omega as Miranda suggested. Jacob had simply smiled, saluted and gone back to his post in the armoury.

Then she'd walked the ship. It was bigger than the SR-1, brighter, the layout was different but there was so much the same and the memories flooded in. Meals in the mess with Joker, Kaidan and Ashley; conversations with Garrus while he worked on the Mako; Tali and Adams in engineering; Dr Chakwas in the medical bay; late night chats on the bridge with Joker. For her it was only a few weeks ago.

Shepard had been surprised to see the doctor in the medical bay but she was extremely happy to see another familiar face. She'd spent some time speaking to her about her condition after being brought back from the dead. Dr Chakwas had explained what had been done to her, what the ramifications were and what the benefits were. She carried out a complete scan to update her records and Shepard was relieved to see that there were no chips controlling her thoughts, her mind or her body. It seemed Cerberus had brought her back exactly as she was except for a few new parts and some new scars. She'd asked about what happened after the Normandy went down but the doctor had been hesitant, almost as if she didn't want to talk about it so Shepard had left it alone.

She'd spoken to Donnelly and Daniels in engineering and was surprised that they had left the Alliance in support of her. They made it quite clear that they hadn't joined Cerberus for any other reason than to work with her.

Eventually she stepped into her quarters and sucked in a deep breath. She was a little taken aback by the size of the room, the size of the bed and the size of the fish tank that took up almost all of one wall. Who would put a fish tank on a frigate? Then she looked up at the ceiling and stumbled against the wall. Space looked back at her, the glow of FTL flowing across the glass like waves on sand but the stars beyond seemed to call to her. She couldn't help the feeling that they were reaching for her, trying to take her back. With a shiver she turned and left the room.

So now, here she was on the bridge with Joker, standing behind his chair just like she had on the SR-1, feeling safe again. She didn't want to be anywhere else right now so she made herself comfortable in the co-pilots chair. For her it was only a short time ago that she did this. _Two years._ She was finding it hard to wrap her mind around that. Everything was still fresh, the destruction of the SR-1, the loss of her crew, the survival of others. But they'd all moved on, left her behind. She felt lost, she needed to grieve, to come to terms with her own death. She needed time, something she obviously didn't have.

'Are you okay, Commander?' Joker frowned as she sat down. She was pale and her hands were shaking.

'I will be,' she said softly and looked over at him as he worked the controls. He was here, he hadn't left her behind. But he had changed, everyone had changed except her. There was something else going on with Joker, something she sensed more than saw. 'You don't need to call me that any more either, I'm not a Commander. I don't know what I am.' She looked down at her hands, fighting back tears, her emotions were running rampant and she was afraid of losing control. She might not be Commander Shepard but she still needed to be strong in front of the crew.

Joker had to admit that he was worried, this wasn't like the Arelia Shepard he knew, but he knew nothing about coming back from the dead either. How do you grasp .something like that, live with it, come to terms with it. He'd done some research, knowing she would be coming back, but it hadn't helped. Those who had come back after a short period of death talked about a bright light and familiar faces, or they talked about nothing at all. But they hadn't been dead for almost two years. He read up on coma patients but guessed it wasn't the same. Some coma patients spoke of being able to hear those around them, feel their loved ones. For some it had helped to bring them back. She hadn't had anyone at her side that cared. His heart was aching as he saw the doubt and fear in her eyes.

'You're the woman who led the fight against Saren and Sovereign, saved the Citadel and the Council, became the first human Spectre. Took us through hell and brought us out alive.' He waited until she met his eyes. 'You will always be Commander Shepard, it doesn't matter what colour your uniform is or who pays the bills, it's who you are.' The forced half smile she gave him didn't ease his concerns.

'I need to know Joker, what happened to our old crew?'

'Everything fell apart when you died,' he sucked in a breath and looked down at the controls beneath his fingers. 'The Council and the Alliance pretty much made out that you were crazy, that Saren had been responsible for the attack on the Citadel and there were no such things as Reapers.' He grimaced and continued, 'They grounded me, said I was unstable. Everyone else drifted away eventually. You were the glue that held everything together, without you there was nothing to do, nothing to fight for.'

'What about Kaidan?'

Joker snorted, 'He didn't disagree with the Alliance. He didn't defend you, didn't stand up for you, he just disappeared after a while.' Joker didn't tell her that Kaidan had blamed him for her death, had put him in hospital after their rescue from Alchera when he took to him with his fists. He didn't tell her that he wished Kaidan had killed him so he didn't have to live without her, although now he was glad he was still alive. 'I know you and he were close, I'm sorry you had to hear that.'

'It's alright,' she gave a soft smile but he could sense her disappointment. 'Kaidan was always a soldier first.'

'Scuttlebutt says there was something going on,' he was fishing now, he'd heard the rumours and that had hurt, but he didn't tell her that either.

'No there wasn't, he wanted more but I couldn't give it,' she sighed and looked out at the stars before shivering and turning to look at him.

She was alive and sitting with him, talking to him. He didn't deserve the time she was giving him. He tried to hide the guilt and regret in his eyes. He looked away quickly but she reached across and placed her hand on his arm.

'Joker,' she pulled his chair around to face her. 'What's wrong?'

He couldn't look at her. He was glad his cap covered his eyes as he kept his head down and tried to pull his emotions under control, but he failed, 'I'm sorry Shepard,' there was a tremor to his voice and she moved out of the chair and knelt before him. His breath caught in his throat as she looked up under his cap.

'Joker, what is it?' There was genuine concern in her voice and he trembled as she reached up and lifted his chin so she could see his eyes.

'I killed you!' he swallowed hard. 'If I hadn't been so fucking stubborn you wouldn't have died, things wouldn't have fallen apart. I should have been the one to die with the ship not you.'

'Joker, no,' she held his face in both hands and he loved the feel of her fingers on his skin. 'You were doing your job, just like I was. It was your job to give the crew time to escape, it was my job to make sure the crew escaped. I would have died for any of the crew, you of all people should know that. That was my job, my responsibility.'

'You died for me,' Joker couldn't hold back the sob that lingered in his throat, the tenderness and concern in her voice was killing him. Why wasn't she angry at him? 'I watched you get spaced, run out of air and burn up. That was my fault.'

As if it was the most natural thing in the world she leaned into him and hugged him, pulling him into her shoulder as his tears fell. She could feel her own tears building, the thought that he had been holding onto his guilt for two years was heartbreaking. The thought that he believed he had killed her was devastating.

Joker let his tears fall, for so long he had carried the guilt, blamed himself. But now Shepard was alive, she was here and she was holding him, hugging him, comforting him. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her in close, feeling the life within her, feeling her heartbeat against his chest, her breath on his neck. She didn't blame him. He wasn't sure if he believed her but why would she say it if she didn't mean it. She had always told the truth so why would now be any different. He felt relief wash through him and she must have sensed it because she pulled back and looked at him.

He finally met her eyes and what he saw took his breath away. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyes held nothing but genuine concern, and something else that he couldn't quite read. But her eyes were like pools of cool blue water and he wanted to dive in, to drown in their depths. He reached up and brushed her tears away, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her and for the first time in a long time he felt like he had a future that wasn't dark and unwanted.

She reached up, took his hand in hers, and kissed it lightly. 'Joker, I don't want you to blame yourself. What happened is past, we're here now, we have a future.' She had been so sure he was going to kiss her, she was disappointed when he didn't. She surprised herself with the thought.

'Yeah, as long as the Reapers don't stuff that up, or we don't all die on some suicide mission.' He sniffed and rolled his eyes.

Shepard grinned at him, 'There's my ornery pilot I know and love.' She stood up and flicked his cap, 'I need coffee so let me know when we're approaching the Citadel.'

'Aye, aye ma'am,' Joker grinned back.

She stepped away but before leaving she looked down at him, 'Joker, I need you to do something for me.'

'Anything,' he looked up at her with a puzzled frown.

'I need you to watch me. I want you to tell me if I do anything that seems strange to you.'

'What? Why?'

'Because you're the only person, besides Dr Chakwas, on this ship that I trust to have my back. I don't know what they did to me when they brought me back, I don't know if I should trust myself.' She sighed and looked at the floor, 'I'm worried they may have done something that's not obvious.'

'What, you think they spent all that money and not have the real thing?'

'No, but they spent all that money and may want control of their investment,' she grimaced. 'Promise me, Joker. I need to know you'll do it for me.'

'Yeah, okay,' he gave and exaggerated sigh and she chuckled. 'I promise that if you turn into some kind of zombie or psycho I'll pull out my gun, once I find one, and shoot you. I'll probably miss because I'm not some hotshot with a hundred per cent kill rate though.'

'That's alright,' she grinned, 'I'll probably have broken every bone in your body before you can pull the trigger.'

'Shit, that's encouraging,' Joker shook his head. 'Maybe I should just hide under my chair instead.'

'You can get down that low?' She raised her eyebrows

'What? Of course I can, I'm not totally…' He realised she was laughing at him.

She licked her finger and dragged it down through the air. He groaned and then laughed as she winked at him.

'You know you love me, Joker,' she laughed and walked away.

_More than you know_. He watched her walk away, he would never tire of that view, wondering if he ever stood a chance with the woman of his dreams.


	4. Chapter 4

The weight of the galaxy sat heavily on Shepard's shoulders as she returned to the Normandy. It had been good to see Anderson again and even though he had doubts he had shown some level of trust, but there was still no support there. At least the council had reinstated her Spectre status so she had some power available to her.

Her questions about her former crew, specifically Kaidan, had remained unanswered. Her questions about the Reapers: dismissed. She'd been gone two years and nothing had been done, time had been wasted, her warnings ignored. What hope did humanity have? She was one person, she couldn't do this alone. She felt that weight of the galaxy on her shoulders and they slumped as they never had before.

Joker watched her walk on board and he could see the slouch in her shoulders and the disappointment on her face. She was hurting and that meant he was too. With a sigh he pulled himself out of his chair and made his way to the mess. That was where he found her, sitting quietly in a corner, her hands resting on the table amid a collection of datapads, her eyes staring into nothing.

'Is the Commander okay,' Rupert asked softly as Joker stepped up to the serving bench.

'Yeah, she's just got a lot on her mind,' Joker glanced over at her. 'Can I have a Rupert special, I think she needs it.'

Rupert nodded, reached for the bottle of whisky under the counter and poured some into a freshly brewed black coffee from his top shelf stock. Joker smiled and carried his offering over to Shepard.

'You look like you need this,' he sat beside her and slid the coffee under her nose.

She took a deep breath and her vision focused on the cup before her, 'is this a Rupert special?' Rupert had given her a special on the very first day and she had been extremely grateful for the thought.

'Yep,' Joker grinned and watched her take a sip. She looked tired, disappointed, unhappy in every sense of the word.

She smiled softly as the whisky warmed her throat and the coffee awoke her senses. She turned to look at Joker and found his green eyes watching her, his concern obvious. His arm was warm where it rested against hers and she found comfort in that. She found comfort simply being in his presence, he was her support, her rock. She wondered if she could ever tell him that.

'I take it the Council was helpful as always and the Alliance didn't want to know you.' The feel of her arm against his was exciting and Joker was amazed that someone so strong and capable could feel so soft. Then he realised, her skin was new, basically the skin of a newborn, but it felt wonderful.

'I got my Spectre status back,' she sighed heavily, 'but the last two years and everyone who died saving the Citadel count for nothing. We did get a new team member so I guess that counts for something.' She dropped her head and Joker was afraid she was going to break down and cry. Instead she inhaled sharply, sipped her coffee and looked him in the eyes, 'I guess it's just us against the galaxy.'

'And this is new because….,' he raised his eyebrows and nudged her shoulder.

'With the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm and Commander fucking Shepard on the guns how could we lose?' She laughed softly and took his hand, 'looks like we're in this together again.'

'Wouldn't have it any other way,' he squeezed her hand gently and marvelled at her ability to pull on her Commander persona.

'Guess we'd better start gathering our team,' she stood up and helped him to his feet. 'Once the crew are back on board get us to Omega, we'll start with Archangel.'

'Yes ma'am,' he reluctantly released his hold on her hand and headed back to the bridge.

Shepard took her mug back to Rupert, 'Thanks,' she smiled as he nodded.

'Thanks for getting those supplies, Commander. I can now give the crew some decent meals, keep their strength up and all that. And Commander,' he hesitated, as if unsure he should continue, 'some of us are here because of you, because we believe in you.'

'Thanks, Rupert.' And with that she headed to CIC to go through the files on her new team members.

* * *

Joker had to give credit where it was due and right now that was Cerberus. As much as he hated them, hated working for them, they had provided the best of everything, the latest technological advances, weaponry and a ship that was more advanced than its predecessor. Then there were the suit recorders that the ground team wore, they'd had audio feeds before but now he got to witness the ground team in action.

The mercenary Cerberus had recruited didn't seem the least bit fazed that his new boss was Commander Shepard. In fact he didn't appear to have any respect for anyone, especially the prisoner he was more than happy to lay his boot into. Joker could see from Jacob's camera feed that Shepard wasn't impressed, even less so when Massani shot him. From the look on Shepard's face she wasn't happy at all.

He switched to her private frequency, 'Hey, Commander, should I lock the door so he can't come in?'

'No, I've got plenty of time to piss of TIM, Massani might be useful.' She chuckled before adding, 'might be nice if decon malfunctions and electrocutes him though, just a little.' She looked directly at Jacob's camera and smiled, but he noted that it hadn't reached her eyes. He also noticed the dark circles around her eyes. Why hadn't he seen those before?

He thought about it for a moment and realised that she'd been spending most of her nights curled up in the co-pilot's seat when he was on duty. Sometimes she slept and he'd let her, simply enjoying having her near. He'd assumed that when he wasn't there she slept in her own bed. But looking at her now he wondered if she was sleeping at all. The overwhelming urge to care for her kicked in and he promised he would take more notice.

He'd never been to Omega, at this point he was glad of that. It didn't look like the kind of place where safety and personal space were important. It was a rough, dirty and no rules apply kind of place from what he could see. But there were some things that never changed. It seemed that bars were the same wherever they were, which meant right now that involved watching half-naked Asari dancers as Shepard paid the required visit to the self-proclaimed queen of Omega, Aria T'Loak in Afterlife.

'Enjoying the view?' Shepard deliberately turned so he could see the dancers on the bar and he could picture the grin on her face.

'Most definitely,' he chuckled, she didn't have to know he was looking at the feed from Jacob's suit, who only seemed to have eyes for Shepard's rear.

'Hey, Jacob,' he opened his private channel, 'the Commander's back is a bit higher.'

'What? I wasn't…' Jacob spluttered and Joker laughed. 'Nice view though,' he muttered.

Shepard's view was still facing the bar and while he appreciated the beauty and fluid grace of the Asari, not to mention the amount of visible flesh, he no longer wanted the private dance or their skin under his hands. Once that would have been a turn on for him but now he was more interested in listening to the conversation between Shepard and Aria. Shepard had asked him to watch her back and he wasn't about to break that trust.

It wasn't long before Shepard was on the move, joining up with mercenary forces to take down Archangel. Joker watched as she made her way through the station, questioned leaders, asked about plans and sabotaged mechs. There was a quiet confidence that radiated from her and even through the camera Joker could feel the aura that was Commander Shepard. He kept his eyes on Jacob's feed most of the time as he was actually watching Shepard's back, watching for anything or anyone that might be a danger to the woman he followed.

When the shooting started Joker was torn between wanting to look away and keeping his eyes glued to the screen. He had never seen the ground team in action before and he was amazed at how they worked, mostly together. Miranda and Jacob had yet to come to terms with Shepard's methods but they were slowly getting the message.

On previous missions, before Cerberus, he had listened to the sounds of battle, listened to the battlefield banter, occasionally throwing in a comment. He had a horrible feeling that he should have kept his mouth shut, as hard as that was sometimes. The wrong word at the wrong time could be a major distraction. He hated the thought that he might have been responsible for someone getting hurt so he stayed quiet.

Shepard was awesome to watch. Every shot was a clean hit, usually a head shot. She walked the battleground confidently and quietly, ducking into cover, rolling away from danger and studying the area like a lion stalking its prey. She was beautiful, intoxicating and deadly.

Joker couldn't stop the feelings that washed over him. _He wanted to feel her lips on his,_ _to feel the strength in her arms as they wrapped around him, to lay with her in his arms, their naked skin touching, bodies intertwining. He wanted to taste every part of her, feel every part of her, have her hands on his…._

'Mr Moreau, do you require the assistance of Dr Chakwas?' EDI brought him down to earth with a thump.

'What? No, why would I?' He felt the blood rush to his face where moments ago it had been further south and he pulled his cap lower.

'My readings show elevated temperature, heart rate and a state of nervous tension.'

'No, I'm fine,' he almost snapped at the blue orb.

'I am certain that Commander Shepard will be fine too.' Was the damn AI smirking at him?

'What are you talking about?'

'I can only assume that if you are fine then you are concerned about Commander Shepard since your readings have become elevated while watching the feed from the ground team.'

'Of course I'm concerned, she's my Commanding Officer and she's under fire. It's the first time I've been able to watch what goes on.' Why he was explaining to an AI he had no idea.

'I will remember that for future reference,' and now it sounded like the AI was laughing at him.

He much preferred the Normandy when she was quiet. With a mumbled curse he went back to watching the camera feed.


	5. Chapter 5

Garrus! Archangel was Garrus! Joker chuckled at the joy on Shepard's face. Garrus had been her closest friend even more so than Kaidan on the SR-1. He was another piece of her past and right now she needed that.

They took down merc after merc, they were almost on their way out when the gunship appeared and Garrus took a missile to the face. He lay dying in a pool of blood. Shepard roared and became like a wild animal as she took down the gunship. Joker was terrified as he watched her stand and shoot, her shields diminishing with every shot from the gunship. His heart was racing and he was half out of his chair before she finally dropped into cover. Jacob and Miranda overcame their surprise and finally there was quiet as the last of the mercs went down.

'Doc, medical emergency at the airlock,' Joker announced, his voice surprisingly calm considering his pounding heart. 'Garrus is hurt pretty bad.'

Chakwas was there within minutes, in time to help Shepard lay Garrus on a stretcher and carry him to the medbay. Joker watched them disappear through the CIC, he could see that Shepard was upset, not that she'd show it but he had been around her long enough to know her tells. He hoped beyond hope that Garrus would be all right, he wasn't sure if Shepard was ready to handle his death.

Eventually he heard footsteps behind him and watched as Shepard dropped into the co-pilot's chair. She had showered and the smell of her shampoo wafted around him, he held in the shiver that threatened to give him away. Not that Shepard would have noticed, she was staring blankly out the window.

'Hey, Commander,' Joker tried to keep the concern out of his voice. 'It's great to have Garrus back.'

She didn't respond, only nodded and he could see she was fighting back tears. He felt a whole new wave of emotions pass over him, he wanted to protect her, comfort her, hold her. He wanted to make the pain go away.

I'm sure he'll be okay,' Joker turned to face her, 'he's got the best doctor in the galaxy working on him.' The tiredness in her body and the paleness of her face worried him even more now that he could see her clearly. Maybe he should talk to Dr Chakwas about his concerns.

She glanced at him and his heart almost broke at the pain in her eyes. Maybe she cared for Garrus as more than a friend, that was a disappointing thought and he looked away to hide his own hurt.

'I shouldn't be here, Jeff,' she whispered and he stared at her in stunned silence, she didn't call him by name very often and it made his stomach do flip flops but the desolation in her voice scared him to death. 'I haven't done anything to deserve to be alive. Why me?'

Joker was speechless. He fought to find the right answer as he realised the seriousness of her question. She didn't need his wise cracks, she needed actual support, reassurance, and that wasn't easy for him. But he wasn't quick enough. She got up and turned to leave.

'Wait,' he struggled out of his chair and grabbed her arm.

She turned to help him as he almost fell onto her, her hands gently gripping his arms and pulling him in towards her to help balance him.

_Way to go idiot,_ Joker cursed himself silently, _make her support the cripple._

'I need …. We need you here, the galaxy needs you. You are an amazing woman, you give us hope for the future.' He realised they were still holding onto each other and, as much as he didn't want to, he stepped back. 'You deserve to be here more than I do, you should never have died in the first place.'

Now she stared at him in stunned silence, she opened her mouth to speak then closed it again. He could see a range of emotions running across her face as she looked at him.

'Joker,' she shook her head and he was disappointed she hadn't used his name. 'I'm sorry. I wish you wouldn't feel guilty, I wish I could take back the last two years and take away your pain but I can't.' A tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away. 'I would give anything to make you realise you weren't responsible for my death, please stop blaming yourself, please let the past be the past and move on. If you can't do it for yourself do it for me.'

'No, wait, that wasn't what I meant,' he rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, hoping he could get the words to come out right. 'You are a warm, caring person and yet you have a strength that most people find intimidating. You are a hero and yet you spend time with me, the ornery cripple who everyone else feels sorry for.' He took her hand and met her eyes, 'If I could go back two years and do things differently I would and I have to live with the fact that I can't. But you're here now, we have hope for the future, you are a bright star in a dark universe and we need your light to guide us. Humanity can fight, can defend itself but we need you to show us the way. You have a fire inside you that ignites us all, makes us want to fight, to live, to be heroes. That's why you need to be alive.'

'Wow,' for a moment the pain was gone and there was a softness in her eyes as she held his hand tighter, 'have you been rehearsing that?'

'No,' he smirked and she chuckled. 'Just telling it how I see it.' He looked into her blue eyes and the tenderness in his eyes made her breath catch in her throat. 'I know that you belong here with m… with us. Even the universe understands that or it wouldn't have given you back.'

'Thanks, Joker,' she brushed his cheek with her free hand and he almost leaned into it. 'I'm going to check on Garrus.'

'See ya, Commander,' he grinned as he slipped back into his seat, turning to watch her walk away, wishing he had the guts to tell her how he felt.

* * *

Joker was amazed, overwhelmed and partly annoyed. Mordin Solus never shut up. He'd been on board for two days and Joker was already thinking up ways to avoid him. The Salarian meant well, he had no doubt about that, but damn he could talk.

He'd found out about Joker's disease and pounced on him almost immediately. Asked question after question, absently coming up with his own answers until Joker's head was spinning.

'Interesting disease,' Mordin had mused. 'No cure but possible treatments could be expanded. Heavy bone weave may work but complications in application. Bone replacement possible but problematic. Must consider other options.'

Joker had sighed in relief when Mordin walked away, still muttering to himself. His hands were busy on the controls as they headed towards the relay and back to the Citadel to collect their next team member. That didn't stop him from falling into memory.

_His tirade finished he'd glanced up at Shepard to see a surprised look on her face._

'_I'm sorry, Joker, I didn't even know you were sick.'_

_Oh damn, his mouth had run away without him again. So, with his usual sarcastic flair he explained his disease and was a little shocked that Shepard hadn't stepped away or looked at him with pity._

'_Put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you, just don't ask me to dance unless you like the sound of snapping shin bones.' _

_Shepard nodded, asked a couple of questions then softly placed her hand on his shoulder._

'_So, no dancing, no running or other general physical activity.' She seemed to think about that for a moment. 'Guess we'll just have to find something quiet to do together to get acquainted, can you play chess?'_

'_What! Yeah, pretty good actually. Had to find something to pass the time.'_

'_Great,' she smiled and Joker was taken aback by the openness of it. She fiddled with her omnitool and his pinged._

_He opened it up to see a three dimensional chessboard and as he watched a pawn moved forward._

'_It's your move, flyboy,' she chuckled and walked away._

_Once again he was struck speechless. How did she manage to do that to him? He had never felt so challenged by a person before, most people took his warped humour and sarcasm the wrong way and wanted nothing to do with him. Shepard seemed to be exactly the opposite, the more he gave her attitude the more she seemed to like him. And damn if he didn't like her back._

'Hope Mordin isn't bothering you too much,' Shepard's voice brought him back to the present.

'He never shuts up,' Joker rolled his eyes in mock frustration and she laughed.

'Yeah, noticed that.' She dropped into the co-pilots chair and sighed.

'You okay, Commander?' Joker glanced at her and worry creased his brow. The dark circles were even more obvious and she looked exhausted.

'I'm fine, just want to get this done. I want to get away from Cerberus, I want to save humanity, I need to get someone to believe me about the Reapers. Is that too much to ask?'

'You're asking me. I'm only the pilot around here, you're the one who gets to make the big decisions.'

'Thanks for the support,' she reached over and swatted him playfully on the arm.

'Ow, watch the arm.' As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back. Memory flashed through his mind, they were almost the last words he'd said to her before….., well, before he'd watched her die.

'Joker,' she sensed him slipping into memory and pulled him back. 'By the way, it's your move. I'm going to get coffee, you want one?' She brushed her hand across his shoulder and he nodded as his omnitool pinged and their unfinished chess game popped up before him. She'd started a game the day she came on board, it was as if she needed the normality, familiarity, of it. 'Back soon.'

* * *

Joker glanced behind him, _nope, still not coming_. Shepard had been gone over an hour and he was wondering what had held her up. She was supposed to be bringing back coffee and it wasn't like her not to keep her word. Besides, he wanted to gloat over getting her into checkmate.

'EDI, where is Commander Shepard?'

'The Commander is in the starboard observation lounge.'

'What's she doing there?' He threw a puzzled glance at the blue orb beside him.

'She appears to be sleeping.'

'What?' He spun his chair and stood up, 'watch the helm, I'm taking a break.'

He opened the door to the observation lounge and found it in semi-darkness. The shutter was closed and the lights were dimmed, not quite all the way off. As his eyes adjusted he made out a form lying on one of the lounges and realised that Shepard was asleep. She was curled up into a tight ball and she was shivering.

Joker turned around and walked into the crew quarters before returning to where Shepard lay and gently placing his blanket over her. The lounges weren't exactly soft or comfortable and he was curious as to why she was sleeping here. He crouched beside her, ignoring the subtle pains his legs sent his way, and gently brushed the hair from her face, his hand lingering longer than it should. It was the most relaxed he'd seen her since coming back. She was beautiful and right now extremely vulnerable, and she would hate it that he'd seen her like that. It reminded him of a song his mother used to sing when he was feeling down from surgery or when he'd come home from school in tears because the other kids had been picking on him. He found himself humming it softly.

_You are so beautiful to me  
Can't you see  
You're everything I hoped for  
You're everything I need  
You are so beautiful to me  
_

She stirred under his hand so he pulled back and stood up, he didn't want to wake her. He needed to know why she was sleeping down here, why she wasn't sleeping at all sometimes. Quietly he left the room, ordered EDI to make sure the Commander wasn't disturbed and took the elevator to her quarters. After convincing EDI that it was in the Commander's best interests that he enter he found himself staring dumfounded at the huge fish tank that took up almost all of the wall. Who would put a fish tank on a frigate?

There was nothing personal about this room, nothing that was Shepard. It was huge by Alliance standards, but this wasn't an Alliance ship. He looked around at the desk, the oversize bed, the small lounging area and as much as he was impressed, he couldn't see why Shepard didn't want to sleep here. Then he looked up.

'Fuck!' He glanced around but couldn't find what he needed. 'Fuck,' he cursed angrily as he turned and left the room.

Joker stormed into Miranda's quarters without bothering to knock. He didn't notice Garrus and Dr Chakwas following him, they'd seen his angry, hurried pace as they spoke in the mess.

'Who the fuck puts a window above a bed on a frigate and doesn't have a shutter on it.' Joker was leaning ominously over Miranda's desk, partly to get in her face and partly to hold himself up.

'What?' Miranda pushed back, an incredulous stare on her face. 'I don't…..'

'There is a fucking huge window directly above Shepard's bed and no way to cover it.'

'And the problem is?' Miranda pulled herself together quickly.

'Shit,' Garrus muttered behind him and Joker glanced at him.

'That explains a few things,' Dr Chawas agreed.

'They get it,' Joker pointed from one to the other. 'Put your perfect brain to work and figure out why Shepard has not been sleeping in her cabin. In fact she's probably not sleeping much at all because she has nowhere to sleep where she won't get woken up.'

Miranda shook her head, still trying to get over the invasion of her privacy and the dressing down she was getting from someone she considered beneath her. She was about to throw back a dressing down of her own but Joker spoke first.

'She was fucking spaced!' He shook his head in disbelief. How could this so-called genius of a woman not get the connection? 'She was sucked out into the void that is now so clearly over her head every time she lies down to sleep. Not that I think she's even used the cabin since coming on board.'

'PTSD,' Chakwas nodded and beside her Garrus muttered agreement.

'Oh,' Miranda finally got it and Joker was gratified by the shock on her face.

'We will be at Illium in a few days, I suggest you do something about it. You want Shepard at her best she needs to sleep.' Joker was relieved to see her nodding in agreement and with a nod to Garrus and Chakwas he made his way back to the bridge.

He'd finally been able to help Shepard in a way that didn't involve being on the ground team or firing a gun. It was a small thing but he allowed himself a moment of pride as he settled himself back in his seat. Damn, he realised belatedly, he hadn't got his coffee.

* * *

**A/N: I imagine Joker has his own share of PTSD episodes, especially after the SR-1 going down, not that he'd admit it. I would have thought that dying in the void of space would trigger the same in Shepard, even though she wouldn't show it. Loss of control, dying and all that.**

**And who does put a huge window without a shutter on a space ship, the observation lounges have them so why not the one in Shepard's quarters. Hello boys, there's a big window there we can break and board through. Really?!**

**PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (just in case you didn't know)**

**The song Joker refers to – You Are So Beautiful To Me by Joe Cocker.**

**Thanks to everyone reading, nice to know someone is enjoying this other than me. ;-)**


	6. Chapter 6

Sleep slowly gave way and Shepard realised there was a blanket over her. She panicked a little at the thought of someone being able to approach and she hadn't woken up. With a sigh she accepted that she had been exhausted, she'd only planned to put her head down for a moment. Seems her body had other ideas.

She sat up with the blanket still wrapped around her and recognised the scent, a hint of sandalwood and leather with a touch of citrus. Joker. She knew his scent so well, she'd come to recognise it on the SR-1 and the familiarity of it now made her feel safe. Like her, he'd refused to use Alliance issue soap, said it made his skin itch. She actually believed it was his way of bucking the system, in a small way, but bucking it nonetheless.

She grinned as she thought about him. His sarcasm and biting tones made most people uncomfortable, made him a bit of a loner because no-one took the time to see past it. It was his defence mechanism, she'd realised that the moment she found out about his disease. She knew that because she did exactly the same thing, she had since she was a kid, they'd moved around so much because of her parents postings that she'd given up on making friends. It was safer to be alone.

Don't let anyone get too close, you'll only get hurt. She'd forgotten that and allowed herself to care for a marine on her team. He died on Elysium. He died trying to save her life because he loved her. She knew he was going to ask her to marry him while they were on leave, to this day she didn't know what she would have answered.

When she'd first boarded the Normandy she'd seen the two gorgeous men sitting on the bridge and knew they would be temptation. She'd promised herself, no matter what, the closest they'd get was friends. That hadn't worked. Kaidan had wanted more, he made that obvious when they were alone, but he was a marine on her ground team, she couldn't go through that again. He was hurt and disappointed but they had remained friends, eventually becoming good friends, although she was sure he had deeper feelings than her.

Joker was a different story. She had immediately been drawn to his wise cracking, warped sense of humour. When she had ignored his automatic defences and wormed her way under his skin she had found his soft heart. He knew it, as much as he tried to keep her out she still found a way in. They had become best friends. She had let him in, he wasn't on her ground team, she couldn't lose him to a bullet or explosion.

But she did lose him. She lost him to death, her death. Her last thought had been of him, her last wish was for him to survive, to live. And he had lived, he'd lived to blame himself, to suffer the guilt of surviving. Tears threatened as she tried to imagine what he had gone through, what he had suffered. Her heart ached and she wanted to take away his pain, to not have him go through it but she couldn't. All she could do now was help him get past it, they both needed to get past it. To get back to what they had, maybe discover the possibilities of more.

Her mouth popped open as she realised where her thoughts had gone. She wanted more, needed more. She'd been alone for so long and then she'd died. Her life, now she thought about it, had been empty. Until Joker. The friendship they shared was real, it warmed her heart, he warmed her heart. He'd taken her heart she realised but what would come of it. She couldn't allow herself to think about that, they had a mission to complete, a war to fight. Maybe, when it was over.

With a sigh she snuggled into his blanket, drinking in his scent, before finally standing up and pulling on Commander Shepard. This was how it had to be. It really was her only choice, wasn't it?

'Hey, Commander,' Gardner called her over as she passed through the mess.

'What is it, Rupert?'

'Thought you might like to try a bit of what I've cooked up with the supplies you got us.' He stirred the pot behind him and lifted out a spoonful. Shepard leaned forward then hesitated and raised her eyes to look at him. 'Yes, I washed my hands.' He sighed in mock frustration then watched in delight as she rolled the sample around in her mouth and smiled.

'That's pretty good.'

'Glad you like it,' he beamed. 'Thanks for getting us some good stuff, I can cook decent meals now.'

'Anything will be better than what we've been getting,' Joker commented as he approached the bench. 'It's really good?' He looked at Shepard and she grinned as she nodded. 'Guess that's lunch then. You in?'

'Why not, reports can wait,' she took the bowls from Rupert.

Joker sat down and was surprised when Shepard sat beside him, closer than she needed to. He knew he should move away but he didn't. He felt the warmth of her thigh as it rested against his and couldn't stop the elation that washed over him, aroused him and awoke feelings he tried so hard to hide. As if sensing his thoughts she chuckled.

'Something funny?' He glanced at her before concentrating on his food.

'No, just enjoying the moment, don't get to do that often enough.' She took in a mouthful of food and gave moan of pleasure. 'This is really good.'

'Didn't realise food was such a turn on,' Joker quipped as he took a mouthful of his own.

'Really, I would have thought some of those extranet sites you love would have mentioned the fun you can have with food. It's amazing what you can do with whipped cream.'

Joker spluttered his food back into the bowl and coughed as he tried to swallow the rest. Images of whipped cream in all the wrong places, well could be right places, jumped into his head. He glanced at her, his face red and his eyes wide but she kept her eyes forward. She knew he'd taken it the wrong way and he knew she was fighting to hide her grin.

'It's even better with chocolate sauce,' he casually took another mouthful of food as beside him it was Shepard's turn to splutter. 'Especially if it's warm.' He laughed as she almost choked and he patted her gently on the back. 'Something wrong, Commander?'

'No,' she forced her words out through heaving breaths. 'Wrong hole.' She stuttered.

Joker's mind went into immediate overload. Thoughts of holes, whipped cream, chocolate sauce and Shepard really did not belong in the same image. _Shit! Are we really flirting with each other? Where did this come from?_ He tried to pull his thoughts under control as he ate.

Beside him Shepard was trying to do the same. Thoughts of chocolate sauce in certain places and licking it off was something she didn't want to think about right now. She concentrated on her food but she couldn't ignore the heat of his leg against hers. From the grin on his face she guessed he was thinking along the same lines. _Shit!_ They were heading into dangerous territory. Question was, did she want to turn around. _Focus, Shepard._

'I wanted to thank you, by the way,' she fought to bring the conversation back to something normal.

'For what?'

'For the blanket,' she finally allowed herself to look at him, almost gasping aloud as his green eyes met hers, 'and for making sure I wasn't disturbed.'

'You're welcome,' he met her stare and was glad to see that the dark circles had faded. 'Hope you didn't drool on it too much.'

'I'm sure I kept it dry,' she chuckled as she picked up their empty bowls and placed her free hand on his. She was a little surprised that he hadn't asked why she was asleep when he found her but she appreciated his quiet support. 'It means a lot to me, that you cared enough to let me sleep and let me use your stuff.' Without waiting for an answer she stood up, took their bowls back to Rupert and left the mess, throwing him a smile before she disappeared.

Joker made his way back to the bridge, his mind in turmoil. He wasn't sure if his heart should be soaring, screaming in excitement or if it should be looking for the darkest corner it could find to hide in. What was he doing? She'd slipped in under his defences and now he couldn't get her out, didn't want to get her out. A memory of the last person he'd let in flashed into his thoughts and for a moment he wondered if he should put the barriers back up. If he should stop this before he got hurt, let down.

If he was honest he didn't want to stop whatever was going on between them, especially if there was a chance she felt the same way. _Damn! What the fuck do I do now?_ As he slid into his chair he realised that he didn't have to do anything. He could wait, see what happened, see if Shepard was willing to make a move, if there was feeling there. Feeling a little more settled he fell back into the familiar routine of flying.

* * *

'Commander,' Joker called her as she approached the airlock, armoured and ready to go.

'What is it, Joker?'

He watched as the prison station Purgatory grew larger, 'I've got a bad feeling about this,' he glanced up at her, 'be careful.'

'Always,' she placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. 'Stay on your toes.'

He heard Garrus come up behind him, 'Ready, Shepard?'

'Yeah, let's do this,' she sighed and moved back to the airlock.

'Don't worry,' Garrus patted Joker's shoulder and leaned down to speak in his ear, 'I'll take care of her for you.'

Joker gaped up at him and Garrus chuckled. What the….? How? Never mind, focus, mission. Worry about the rest later. He forced his thoughts back to docking the ship. He couldn't explain it but his gut was churning and he really didn't want to get anywhere near this place. He definitely didn't want Shepard going on board.

'Docking lock engaged,' he cycled through the lock down. 'Good to go, Commander.' He spun his chair and she smiled at him before walking off the ship.

* * *

He knew it! Everything had gone to hell! He watched the suit feed as Shepard, Garrus and Jacob fought their way through the prison ship. The prisoner they had come to collect was already ahead of them and from what he could see she wasn't worrying about who was in her way. She looked out of control, terrifying as she tossed everything ahead of her with biotic throws more powerful than he'd seen before.

'Mr Moreau, I have enabled the feed from the prison security system. Some of the prisoners are heading for the Normandy.' The feed appeared before him, he watched as guards and prisoners took to each other with whatever weapons they could find. Others were just looking for a way out.

'We need security at the airlock,' he heard the sound of feet behind him and was relieved to see Miranda, as much as he didn't want to see her, and Kasumi with a couple of the crew take up a position by the lock.

'What's going on?' Miranda motioned for the crew members to move into the docking tube.

'All hell's broken loose, that's what,' he snapped. 'The fucking warden wanted to take Shepard prisoner and now all the prisoners are loose. Some are heading our way and I really don't think you want them on board.'

'That wouldn't be wise,' Kasumi took a defensive stance by the hatch. 'How's Shep doing?'

'Working her way through the place,' he glanced up at the suit feed and jumped as a guard suddenly appeared in Garrus's face. 'Damn,' he cursed and began cycling through the release procedure, he guessed they'd be leaving in a hurry.

'Make sure we're ready to leave,' Miranda instructed and moved to the hatch.

'Already on it,' he muttered, his eyes glancing from the suit feed to the controls beneath his fingers. _Shit, knew this was going to go bad!_ His stomach was churning as he thought about how much worse this could get. They were shooting inside a space station, one wrong shot and ….., well he really didn't want to think about that right now. He couldn't afford to think about that.

'Joker?' Shepard's voice cut through his thoughts.

'Already on it, Commander,' he repeated, she trusted that he knew what to do and he wasn't about to let her down. The sound of gunfire just outside and the sound of weapons being cocked behind him didn't do much to help his churning guts. He really wished Shepard was on board right now and not just so he knew she was safe. 'Better hurry, Shepard, we've got company coming.'

* * *

'Damn, Shepard,' Joker kept his eyes on his controls as she slipped into the seat alongside him. 'That was a bit closer than I'd like, that would have been worse than Feros.' He tried to ignore the scent of her shampoo, the damp hair that hung on her neck and the grin she threw his way.

'Thought you might like some excitement,' she raised her eyebrows at him as he glanced at her.

'I can think of easier ways to get my kicks, thank you very much.'

'Really,' she leaned towards him, 'care to share.' The look she gave him was enough to stop the breath in his chest.

'I could, but I'd rather keep my secrets,' he waggled his eyebrows at her, 'be a man of mystery.'

'I have ways of making you talk,' she got up and moved beside him, her hand running down his arm.

He fought to stop the shiver that passed through him. 'You're not threatening to torture me, are you Commander?' He hoped she didn't realise how much she already was.

'Only if you make me,' she bent down and whispered in his ear, her breath on his neck giving him goose bumps, before standing up to leave. 'I'd better go check on our newest addition.'

'Hey, Commander,' he was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, 'you should watch that one.'

'Had every intention,' she brushed her hand across his shoulder as she moved away. 'Better get us to Korlus, have another team member to collect.'

Joker looked back to watch her walk away, still trying to wrap his head around their conversation. As much as he was enjoying it he wondered why they suddenly seemed to have become more personal, intimate, flirty. Things had changed since he'd found her asleep and given her his blanket. Was that all it took to awaken feelings she'd been hiding? Had he got under her skin simply because he cared? It couldn't be that easy, could it?


	7. Chapter 7

'Hey Commander,' Joker watched her slip into the seat beside him and couldn't help but notice the dark circles around her eyes and the pale colour of her face. Damn Cerberus for turning her into a sleepless wreck. 'A Krogan, really. You didn't have enough with Wrex?'

'He's only a baby,' she gave him a pout that didn't quite work and he laughed.

'Yeah but what about when he goes through puberty, you gonna give him the birds and bees talk. Do you even know the talk for a Krogan? And when his hormones kick in and he needs to hit something it's your fault if he damages the ship.'

'I was actually going to leave that talk to you, male bonding and all that,' she laughed at the mortified look he gave her, but even her laugh sounded tired.

'I'll pass,' he shook his head, 'I like my bones intact.'

'Aren't you supposed to be off duty?' She frowned at him.

'Not tired, dozed earlier so figured I'd make up the time.'

'You need to rest, Joker. I need you at your best.'

'Says she who isn't sleeping either,' he glanced at her, worried that he'd said too much, given away his concerns.

'You'd better set a course for Horizon then, apparently TIM has intel that the colony is about to get hit. How he knows is a question I'd really like answered.' She gave a deep sigh, dropped her head back against the headrest and Joker realised she'd changed the subject to deflect the truth. He wasn't sure if it was frustration or anger on her face as he turned to look at her. Exhaustion was taking its toll and she closed her eyes for a moment.

'Kaidan is there.'

_Shit!_ Joker dropped his eyes to the controls. He and Kaidan used to be friends, but that was before Shepard, before Alchera. He had his doubts about Kaidan being glad to see her, but he wouldn't voice them to her. She'd said it herself, he was a soldier first and she was the enemy now. He wanted to protect her from the hurt he guessed was coming but she would hate him for it, for not allowing her the choice. It was something she valued, the ability to choose her own path, her own future, which is why she found it hard to accept working with Cerberus. They'd pretty much forced her into it, not to mention all the horrible shit they'd done. As much as it hurt, he knew he had to let her go through this. All he could do was be there to pick up the pieces.

He glanced over and smiled when he saw she had fallen asleep. He'd hoped they'd be at Illium by now, she really needed her own bed. She'd managed to hide not using her quarters well, he guessed she used the showers when everyone else was asleep and she must have some clothes stashed somewhere. He could only assume that she was resting, possibly napping somewhere, either that or she was living on stims but he hadn't seen any signs of that, and he definitely knew what to look for. But if she was getting some rest it wasn't enough, he knew that sooner or later, no matter how much adrenaline was pumping through her system, her reactions would slow, possibly fail and that was a terrifying thought. He was amazed that as tired as she was she was still able to stand and deal with the shit that was heaped on her shoulders. He worried over how long one person could keep it up before it became too much. As strong as she was, she was only human.

He considered it a great sign of trust that she had fallen asleep beside him and he silently promised that he would treat that trust with the respect it deserved. He reached down by his feet and pulled out the blanket he'd stashed there. Gently he adjusted her seat so she was laying back and wrapped the blanket around her. He brushed the hair from her face and softly kissed her forehead, 'Sweet dreams, Ari.'

* * *

Garrus walked onto the bridge and started to speak then stopped when he noticed Shepard curled up asleep in the co-pilots chair. He didn't think she would have brought her own blanket so he guessed that was Joker's doing. As much as the pilot tried to make people think he didn't care, Garrus knew otherwise. He stepped beside Joker so he didn't have to speak loudly, only to find him asleep in his chair as well. His mandibles flared in the Turian equivalent of a smile and he turned to walk away.

As if sensing his presence Joker opened his eyes, groggily looked around and woke up. He pulled himself up and glanced over at Shepard, content that she was getting the sleep she needed before turning to face Garrus.

'What's up?' Joker whispered as he rolled his neck to ease the stiffness.

'I was looking for Shepard,' he spoke softly as he glanced over at her. 'I wanted to make sure she got some sleep. Dr Chakwas suggested getting her into the medbay, at least it would be quiet.'

Joker indicated that they should move out of earshot. 'She doesn't know that you or the Doc knows about her not sleeping,' Joker kept his voice down, not wanting to chance the sound carrying.

'I think it's pretty obvious.'

'Yeah, but if you make a fuss you know she'll try to hide it from us, be the big strong Commander and shit. At least she's sleeping right now.' Joker sighed as he glanced back towards her chair. 'I really thought we'd be at Illium by now but we've been diverted again.'

'Damn,' Garrus shook his head, 'where to this time?'

'Horizon,' he couldn't hide the concern in his eyes. 'Apparently the colony there is on the Collector's hit list.'

Garrus watched Joker and knew something else was on his mind. He had come to like the pilot and could almost read him as well as he could read Shepard. Humans were difficult, they had too many facial expressions, but their eyes showed their true feelings, once you learned how to read them.

'Joker, what's going on?'

'Alenko's there.'

'Shit!' Garrus paced softly, his face creased in what Joker assumed was a frown.

'I don't think this is going to go well.'

'No, probably not,' Garrus stopped and looked down the corridor to where his friend and Commander slept peacefully.

He had been there when Alenko had let his feelings for the Commander show, he knew Kaidan had been in love with her and he hadn't been happy when she'd turned him away. Eventually he'd accepted her friendship but Garrus didn't think he'd ever really got over her. He'd dragged him off Joker when the Normandy went down, he'd seen the pain and anger in his eyes. Garrus didn't blame Joker for Shepard's death, he'd only done his job just as Shepard had, it was just bad luck things went to hell. But he could understand why Alenko would, his feelings for Shepard needed a target and Joker was an easy one.

He'd seen Alenko once after Shepard's funeral and he hadn't been handling her death well. He also knew Alenko had stood by and let the Alliance totally dismiss everything Shepard fought for, died for. And now she was back, under a Cerberus banner. This definitely wasn't going to go well.

'We just have to help her get through it.'

'Yeah,' Joker agreed. 'It's still gonna hurt.'

'Speaking off,' Garrus turned his eyes back to Joker. 'I know you care for her, probably even love her,' he held up his hand as Joker went to speak. 'I think you're exactly what she needs, I think she actually cares for you too. But if you ever hurt her, I will come after you.'

Joker knew there was no malice in the threat, only concern for a friend, but he certainly didn't want to get on the bad side of this particular Turian. _Wait, he'd said she cared about him._

'What makes you think she cares about me?' Joker frowned and Garrus gave the equivalent of a chuckle.

'We've been friends for a while now, we've cleared the battlefields together, we've come to understand how each of us works. As you humans say, I know her tells.'

Joker didn't know whether to believe it or not but he knew one thing as he looked at her asleep in the chair.

'I'd die before I'd deliberately hurt her,' he met Garrus's stare and they both nodded in silent understanding.

'Good to hear,' Garrus placed his hand on Joker's shoulder in friendship. 'I'll go and let Dr Chakwas know she's getting some sleep.'

Joker slipped silently back into his seat and turned to look at the woman beside him. She looked so relaxed, so peaceful and he wished he could take some of the burden she carried. All he could do was offer support, care for her as she wouldn't care for herself. It suddenly occurred to him that he had dropped his barriers completely, he didn't want to keep her out. In fact he wanted to open himself up to her, to whatever she offered him. Garrus was right, he did love her, he'd known that for a while now, he could understand why Alenko had blamed him, wanted to kill him. It didn't matter if she didn't love him back, he could be her friend, would be her friend if that's all she wanted. He watched her sleeping and hoped that one day she would sleep in his arms, he'd happily live with two broken arms for that, and they would wake up together. Maybe, one day.

* * *

Joker heard the heavy steps behind him, 'Good to go in ten, Commander.'

'Thanks, Joker,' Shepard stood beside him, rolling her shoulders and flexing her knees as she settled into her armour. Something was off though, he sensed it.

'You okay?' he glanced at her as he manoeuvred them into a safe zone, close enough to land the shuttle but out of sight of the Collectors.

'I just hope we're not too late.'

'I'm sure Alenko will be fine, he's a good soldier.' Joker surprised himself, he actually meant it.

'I know, but the thought of losing a good friend is not easy, I've lost too many already.'

'Hey, I'm still here,' he tried to lighten the mood.

'You have no idea how thankful I am for that,' she placed her gloved hand on his shoulder and he could feel her shaking. That raised his concerns a notch higher.

'Yeah, It'd be damned hard to find a chess player as good as me, not to mention that no-one can fly you in style like I can.' He was rewarded with a chuckle and that made him feel proud.

'Yep, no-one has your ego either,' she looked down at him and he met her look with mock frown before placing his hand over hers.

'Hey, I've earned the right to that ego and don't you forget it,' he grinned and she laughed and gripped his fingers.

'Thanks, Joker,' she squeezed his fingers gently. He'd taken care of her yet again, she'd fallen asleep beside him, he watched over her, provided warmth, comfort and even coffee when he'd had to wake her.

The memory of waking up to his gentle voice, his soft touch and his green eyes sent a shiver through her and her stomach fluttered. She wondered what it would be like to wake up in his arms. He was a wonderful, caring man, once you got under the hard outer shell, and she was conflicted over her feelings for him. But now wasn't the time. Now she had to face another destroyed colony and possibly the loss of someone she considered a friend.

'Anytime, Commander,' he nodded and she released her hold and turned to leave.

'Take care of our baby.'

'Count on it,' he sensed the underlying message, the Collectors were coming and last time they'd lost the fight. Not this time, he wouldn't let it happen again. 'We'll be here when you get back.'

'I have no doubt.'

She nodded and walked away, not knowing how much Joker's guts were churning. He hated to admit that he was nervous, not only about the Collectors but also about what he guessed would happen when she saw Alenko. He concentrated on his controls, fighting to calm his nerves as the shuttle left the bay.


	8. Chapter 8

'Fuck!' Joker had never felt rage like he did right then, his fingers ached as he gripped the arms of his chair. 'You bastard!' He ignored the startled comments from the crew behind him as he watched the feed from Garrus's camera. He wanted to reach through the screen and wrap his hands around Alenko's throat. He saw Shepard flinch at the venom in his words that went straight to her heart. She might not love him but she still cared, still thought of him as a friend.

'Mr Moreau, it would be wise for you to calm down. There is nothing you can do until Commander Shepard returns and I doubt she would approve of your anger.'

'Shut up, EDI!' he glared at the blue orb. 'You don't understand. What give him the right to accuse her of being a traitor, of lying. He's supposed to be her friend, he knows who she is, what she believes in.'

He heard Garrus interrupt and turned back to the feed, 'Damn it Kaidan, get over Cerberus and look at the real threat.'

Joker noticed that both Garrus and Jack had stepped up beside Shepard, ready to stand by her side if she needed them. From the look on Jack's face she was as angry as him and he decided she might not be so bad to have around.

'I believe that Commander Alenko is behaving within normal parameters for his personality profile.' EDI broke his concentration again.

'What? Wait, you have his personality profile?' Joker gaped at the orb.

'Yes, he was considered for recruitment but his belief in the Alliance was deemed too strong to be over ridden. His mistrust and dislike of Cerberus would have prevented him from being a successful member of the crew, even with his feelings for Commander Shepard. He would find it difficult to believe that she had been resurrected, particularly because it was Cerberus who carried out the operation.'

Joker snapped his mouth closed, gaped and closed it again. He didn't know how to respond. What did that make him? He heard Shepard ask Kaidan to join them and his response fit exactly with what EDI had just told him. The disappointment on Shepard's face was obvious and Joker wondered if Alenko could see past his anger long enough to know how much he'd hurt her.

'Joker,' Shepard spoke in his ear, 'send a shuttle. I've had enough of this place.' There was a tremor in her voice and he knew she'd felt every word Alenko had thrown at her. She was hurting badly and all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her everything would be okay.

* * *

By the time the shuttle was back in the bay Joker had set a course for Illium. No diversions this time, he needed to get Shepard somewhere she could rest, recover. With that in mind, he brought up his omnitool and sent a message to an old friend. Leaving EDI in control he headed for the shuttle bay. Garrus had insisted he get down there fast.

The elevator doors opened and he almost crashed into Miranda as she stepped out. He hurriedly stepped back, trying to keep his balance, having no doubt she wouldn't give ground. She frowned at him and opened her mouth to speak.

'We're on our way to Illium, you'd better have organised to get that problem solved.' There was strength in his voice that surprised even him and her eyes widened.

'Yes, it's organised,' she watched him step into the elevator. 'I do care about Shepard's welfare.'

Joker snorted, 'Yeah, as your science project.' He cheered inwardly at the shocked look on her face as the doors closed between them. As much as he tried he couldn't bring himself to like or trust that woman.

Garrus met him as he stepped out, 'she hasn't left the shuttle, in fact she hasn't spoken since we left Horizon. I figured you would want to handle this.'

Joker nodded and walked over to the shuttle, carefully climbing inside and sitting beside Shepard. He wasn't sure how to handle this, he wasn't a psychologist or a counselor, he didn't have the right words and he usually stuffed up the ones he spoke. He watched her silently. She didn't move from her hunched position, her arms on her knees and staring blankly at the floor. She was so tense she was shaking. _Damn, Alenko, why did you have to be such an asshole?_

Joker knew Kaidan had always believed in the Alliance, it was his life, even after they swept Shepard's discoveries under the carpet. Who knows, maybe he might come to see that she was only being herself, fighting for humanity, for the galaxy, using whatever resources were available to her. That didn't stop Joker from being angry at him.

'Is he right, Joker? Am I not seeing things clearly, have I been brainwashed by Cerberus?' The empty, hollow voice didn't sound like the woman he knew and it scared him.

'What do you think?' He would have loved to mouth off about Alenko but that wasn't what she needed.

'Shit!' She pulled off her gloves and threw them across the shuttle. She gave a long drawn out sigh and growled in frustration before sitting up and resting her head against the bulkhead. 'I don't know anymore.'

Joker took her hands in his and turned slightly so he was facing her. 'What do you know?'

She cocked her head and looked at him, thinking about his question. 'I know human colonies are disappearing and no-one is doing anything about it.' She thought for a moment, 'I know that Cerberus have provided me with the means to stop that but I don't trust them.

I know they brought me back to life, supposedly as I was, which means I'm still the same person I was two years ago, just with some new parts. I still feel like me, I have the same ideals and principles. I know that the Reapers are coming and we need to prepare.' She stopped and stared at him, her blue eyes searching his, 'I know I have friends at my back who are willing to follow me into this hell.'

'And you thought Kaidan was one of those friends,' he kept his eyes on hers.

'Yes,' she finally looked away as her eyes moistened. 'I thought he knew me, knew what I believed in.'

'If the situation had been reversed what would you have done?' He held up his hand as she went to speak but quickly went back to holding hers, 'remembering that you died and came back, that he cared deeply for you and had to deal with that death and the aftermath. And remember who Kaidan is.'

'I would have been angry, in pain. I probably would have doubted too, especially knowing everything we did about Cerberus.' She sighed and dropped her head onto his shoulder, leaning into him gently and he was relieved to feel her relax a little. 'But that doesn't give him the right to accuse me like he did, he didn't give me a chance to explain.'

'No it doesn't and he was a sanctimonious asshole about it.' He paused and pulled his anger under control, she didn't need that right now, she was hurting. He let go of one hand and slid his arm around her shoulder, wishing her armour wasn't between them. 'He'll come around, especially after you've kicked some Collector butt and he sees you're still you.'

'You know, for someone who isn't a people person you do all right.'

He chuckled, dropped his head onto hers and inhaled the scent of sweat, gun oil and dirt. As much as he loved the scent of her after a shower this was different but still her, it was almost primal and it aroused him just as much. He made the most of the moment, closing his eyes and savouring the feel of her head on his shoulder, her hand in his, her armour digging into his arm. _Shit!_

'Shepard, as much as I love being your pillow, you're still wearing your armour.'

She sat up quicker than he would have liked and proceed to rub his arm where she'd been laying, 'sorry, forgot.' She stopped rubbing and he was relieved and disappointed at the same time. 'Why are you here, Joker? How come you can see past Cerberus and he can't.'

'Because I'm an unprincipled bastard,' he quipped, but quickly became serious. 'I'm here for you, Shepard,' he dropped his eyes and absently rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, not noticing the colour building in her face.

He'd thought about it after his conversation with EDI and realised they'd played him. They'd offered him everything his heart desired, including Shepard, and he'd taken it, but he'd taken it because of her. As much as he loved flying, especially this particular ship, he couldn't put it before her. Cerberus had played him but they didn't own him, and they'd given him back the one thing that would make him walk away from them in a heartbeat.

'If you walk off this ship tomorrow and tell Cerberus to fuck off, I'll be right behind you.' He met her eyes, 'I believe in you not the colour the uniform, or even if there is no uniform.' An image of her naked popped into his head and he felt warmth travel up his neck as she chuckled.

'You're imagining me naked, aren't you?' She laughed as the colour rushed to his face but she took great pleasure in knowing she affected him that way. 'I think I need a shower.'

He groaned, closed his eyes and dropped his head against the bulkhead and she giggled. He opened his eyes and stared at her. _Did she just giggle?_ From the way she dropped her head he guessed she had. She lifted her head and her sweat damp hair stuck to her cheek. Without thinking he reached up and brushed it behind her ear, his palm cupping her cheek and she leaned into it.

He wanted to kiss her, _god he so badly wanted to kiss her,_ and from the way she leaned towards him she wanted him to. They both realised at the same moment and their eyes met in wide-eyed recognition but neither pulled away. She licked her lips and Joker couldn't fight it any more, he leaned in, close enough to feel the warmth of her breath on his lips. Her eyes closed as she tilted her head.

'Mr Moreau, we will be approaching the relay in ten minutes.' EDI broke the moment.

'Shit,' he jumped and cursed softly as his forehead dropped to hers, his hand dropped and they both stiffened and became the professionals they were. But she was smiling, he pulled back and met her eyes. She wasn't horrified or angry, if anything she looked disappointed, but she was smiling. He couldn't help it, couldn't control it, he smiled back.

'Thanks, Joker,' she brushed his face with her hand and this time it was his turn to lean in and close his eyes. Her eyes were moist as he brushed her palm with his lips. 'I am so glad you're here, I couldn't do this without you.'

'Sure you could, though no other pilot could pull your ass out of the fire like I do,' he laughed and stood up, offering his hand, which she took without hesitation. 'I set course for Illium, I figured that would be our next stop and you should take some down time, you haven't had a break since all this started.'

'Yes, sir,' Shepard gave a mock salute and he laughed.

'If it's that easy to get you to follow orders I may have to come up with some more,' he grinned and raised his eyebrows.

'And I might just follow them,' she laughed as she stepped onto the hangar deck. 'Right now though I need a shower, a cold one.' She threw him a look that made his whole body shiver and his heart skip a beat.

_Me too._ He followed her to the elevator, the air thick with unspoken words and feelings hanging between them. She stepped off on the crew deck and winked at him just before the doors closed. He found himself floundering in unfamiliar territory and as much as it scared him it exhilarated him and he wondered if he was going to get his heart broken. Right then, he didn't care.

* * *

'I know you're there, Kasumi.'

'How?' She de-cloaked beside him and stared at him.

'Years of practice,' he chuckled. 'Everyone comes up behind me at some time, you get a feel for it.'

'I'll have to find another way to fool you then.' She made herself comfortable in the co-pilot's chair.

Joker glanced at her, almost telling her that she was sitting in Shepard's chair but thought better of it. She kept trying to creep up on him but failed. He guessed it was a natural instinct after so many years of having people try to sneak up on him, some people seemed to think it was funny to make the pilot jump. Kasumi did it simply for practice. He actually liked the thief, she had an uncanny knack for seeing the truth, for seeing through people. And she had a warped sense of humour. He'd felt an instant sense of camaraderie from the moment they met and she seemed to like spending time with him.

'Should I check my pockets before you leave?' Joker asked absently as he concentrated on the math for the relay jump.

She shook her head, 'No, I only steal from people I don't like.'

'Should I be flattered?'

'Yep, you and Shep are the best people on this boat, although Garrus and Dr Chakwas are OK too. Jacob is just yummy and Miranda….'

'She's the Ice Queen from Hell,' Joker held up his hands in mock fear and she laughed.

'If that were true she'd have melted by now, Hell is hot from what I hear.'

'Okay, so we'll have to come up with another name for her.' He punched in numbers on his console, 'hitting the relay in ten, nine, eight,' he announced the countdown to the ship and felt the familiar shudder and lag as the ship traversed relay space when he reached zero. 'Board is green. We should reach Illium in sixty four hours.'

The formality of his job done he carried out system checks and made sure their course was correct. _Finally, now Shepard's cabin will be fixed._ After Horizon he knew she needed some time away from the ship, the mission. He knew she had two more team members to collect but he'd tried to arrange it so she had some time to herself. He just hoped she'd use it.

'So,' Kasumi asked innocently. 'What's with you and Shep?'

'What?' Joker looked at her wide eyed and realised he'd given himself away.

'I knew it,' she sat forward with a grin that he guessed carried to her eyes, except he couldn't see them under her hood. 'Spill, mister, how long have you been in love with her?'

'It's not like that, we're just friends. We've been together a while now, been through some shit, you know Saren, Sovereign, the battle for the Citadel and stuff. That's it,' he kept his head lowered so she wouldn't see the colour in his face.

'Uh huh,' she stood up and placed her hand on his shoulder and leant down to whisper in his ear, 'don't worry, I know how to keep secrets, and I'm glad she has someone looking after her.' She chuckled.

_Damn! Am I that obvious?_ He thought he'd hidden his feelings well although Garrus knew, probably Dr Chakwas too. Maybe Kasumi was just more observant, she was a master thief after all. That had to be it. He hoped that was it or he was in trouble because he was finding it harder to keep his feelings hidden. Every time he saw Shepard or even heard her voice he had to fight to keep the grin off his face and control his racing heart, and it was going to be harder now after their almost kiss. _Crap, I'm really in trouble!_

'Hey, Kasumi,' he spun his chair as she started to walk away. 'Want to help me with something, for Shepard.' What the hell, she'd figured it out anyway so another pair of hands would be useful. 'I've organised something but it needs a woman's touch.'

The grin on her face was priceless as she stepped up to his chair, 'ooh, I just love mysteries and surprises. What do you need me to do?'

* * *

**A/N: Yay, past Horizon. I wondered how others would have seen this and because this is written mostly from Joker's point of view it gave me the opportunity. Hope I did it justice.**

**Okay, okay - the lovey duvy part is coming - really, promise. Probably some smut too ;-) As for that almost kiss - paybacks a bitch!  
**

**Thanks to everyone reading, makes my day to get those emails.**


	9. Chapter 9

Shepard stepped onto the dock at Nos Astra, fighting the exhaustion that was gradually wearing her down. As easy as it was to sleep on the bridge alongside Joker it wasn't enough. She'd managed to hide the fact that she wasn't using her quarters, at least she hoped she had, but not having a regular bed to sleep in was becoming a problem. Dr Chakwas had pulled her aside before she left and questioned her about her sleeping patterns. She didn't think she could hide it much longer, but she wasn't going to admit to her weakness either. The crew needed her to be Commander Shepard and so she would be.

An Asari walked towards them and for a moment she was afraid they were going to be questioned about their weapons, this wasn't Omega. Instead she was surprised to find that Liara had paid their docking fees and accommodation was organised for her for the few days they would be planet side. Shepard was about to refuse the gift, she had a perfectly good ship to stay on but Garrus interrupted.

'Shepard, you should take it. You haven't had any down time since coming back and a lot has happened. A few days in comfortable accommodations might do you good.'

She looked at him through narrowed eyes, as if she sensed a hidden meaning in his words. But she accepted the key and agreed to at least have a look. Garrus was sure he heard Joker's sigh of relief.

It was much later when Shepard finally opened the door to a penthouse apartment and gasped at the size of the place. She walked over to the floor to ceiling windows and gazed out across Nos Astra. It was a beautiful place, very graceful, very Asari. Night was falling and stars were beginning to show through the darkening sky, she looked up without thinking and her stomach lurched as she broke into a sweat. Panic threatened as she felt the pull of the great void above so she hurriedly closed the privacy screens and thanked them for their protection.

As she glanced around the living room she was glad she had decided to use the accommodations. As much as she loved the Normandy this was pure self-indulgence and right now she needed that. She needed time to think without the worry of the mission or ship issues filling her mind. She hadn't had time to herself since coming back and with all the monitors Cerberus had around her she hadn't had any privacy either. Even though this was only a temporary freedom she cherished it. With that in mind she picked up the room service menu and ordered dinner.

She was suddenly aware that she hadn't brought any clothes with her and she was still in her armour. She'd spent the day doing some odd jobs for Liara and tracking down Thane Krios, the latest addition to her team. It had been good to see Liara, another person from her past who still believed in her, that Liara had been the one to give Cerberus her body was something she still had to think about. But she hadn't thought to grab a change of clothes before sending Garrus, Jacob and Thane back to the ship.

She walked into the bedroom and a smile broke out as she found a collection of clothing waiting for her, she would have been happy to walk around naked but this was probably more sensible. Civilian clothing with no Cerberus logos. There was even a collection of sleepwear and underwear, very nice underwear, not the usual, practical stuff she wore every day. She picked up the robe waiting for her on the huge bed that she eyed with longing, but she needed a shower before dinner. First things first though.

'Liara,' she grinned as a flustered blue face appeared on her omnitool screen. 'Something wrong?'

'No,' Liara almost cursed but quickly pulled herself under control.

'I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful accommodation and the clothes.'

'Not my doing, Shepard,' Liara smiled at her puzzled frown. 'I chose the accommodations, yes, but it was not my idea.'

'Who then? Not the Illusive Man,' she felt the joy drop out of her face at the thought.

'Not likely,' Liara scoffed. 'Let's just say it was someone who cares about you enough to know you needed it.'

'And the clothes?'

'No, not my doing either,' Liara laughed at the frustration on Shepard's face. 'Just enjoy it Shepard, don't question it.' And with that she was gone.

Trying not to let her frustration spoil the moment she allowed herself the luxury of a long hot shower, she thought about using the hot tub in the corner but left it for another time. It felt good not to have to worry about the water turning cold or going off because she'd gone over her allotted time. There were some things about living in space she could do without.

She was almost finished dinner and relaxing into the comfortable surroundings when a thought occurred. Flashing up her omnitool she waited for Kasumi's face to appear. When it did she was surprised to see the bridge controls behind her. Was she with Joker? Her stomach churned. Was that jealousy? She had no claim on him but the thought of him being with someone else hurt, especially after he almost kissed her. _She'd really wanted him to._

'Hey, Shep. How is the apartment?' Kasumi was her usual cheerful self.

'Fantastic,' she couldn't stop the grin that crossed her face. 'Did you organise any of this?'

'Not me,' Kasumi laughed, they had become friends in the short time they'd known each other and Shepard had mentioned that she had nothing without a Cerberus logo on it.

'Not even the clothes?'

'Well, I might have had a hand in the selection but it wasn't my idea.' She shrugged at someone off screen. 'Hope you like them.' And she signed off.

As she was falling asleep she realised who would care enough about her to do this for her. She messaged Miranda, ordering her to give the crew forty eight hours shore leave, with no argument. Then she messaged Kasumi. A smile lingered on her lips as she surrendered to sleep and her last thought was of piercing green eyes.

* * *

'What the hell do you think you are doing?'

Joker spun his seat, deliberately taking his time before looking up at Miranda. 'You'll have to be a bit more specific,' he tried to keep his smugness under control but from the increased narrowing of her eyes he guessed he'd failed. 'Right now I'm running numerous diagnostics, updating com links, comparing star maps.' He glared at her, 'Is there something else you need me to do?'

'I'm talking about Shepard. Who gave you permission to give her accommodation planet side? What right do you think you have to go behind my back?' She was definitely angry, this was her cell, she was in charge.

Joker slowly stood up and met her anger with his own. 'I don't need permission from you to take care of my Commander. I have that right as her friend. If that perfect brain of yours was working properly you'd know she needed time away from this ship, from this mission. She needs time to come to terms with coming back from the dead, losing two years of her life and everything she believed in. Something you and Cerberus haven't given her.' His fingernails were digging into his palms and he took a deep breath, resisting the overwhelming urge to knock Miranda on her ass.

'Mr Moreau is correct, Operative Lawson. Commander Shepard has been under a great deal of stress and is suffering from mild depression, which along with the lack of sleep will ultimately affect her performance. Her psychological profile indicates she will deal with these problems but without time and privacy she may not do this adequately enough to complete this mission.' EDI paused and Joker wasn't sure if it was deliberate or not, but right then he could have kissed her. 'If you remove some of the monitoring devices around the ship she may relax a little more, if she feels like she is not being watched all the time.'

'What?' Miranda seemed confused and Joker almost laughed. 'She needs to be monitored, we need to watch her.'

'No, you don't,' Joker finally realised that for all her intelligence Miranda really was quite dumb when it came to people. _And I thought I wasn't a people person_. 'If you knew Shepard as you claim you do, you would know that she can't walk away from this now. As much as she hates Cerberus, she can't leave people in danger or the galaxy under threat. It's what she does, it's who she is. This ship, this mission, are hers now. Those of us who know her have already followed her into hell yet here we are doing it again. Did you ever ask yourself why?'

'Mr Moreau, I believe Shepard is in trouble,' EDI interrupted him.

'What! How do you know?' He couldn't hide the fear in his voice.

'Her biometric readings indicate severe emotional distress.'

'How the…? Never mind. Where is she?'

'She has not left her accommodations.'

'Get me a skycab,' Joker was already on his way out the airlock. 'Get Dr Chakwas and Garrus as well.'

He didn't wait for anyone else and it was only when he stood before her door that he realised how idiotic that was. He had no gun, he wasn't a soldier who could take on whoever or whatever was on the other side of that door. Right then he didn't care.

'Shepard?' He heard nothing in response, not a good sign. 'EDI, can you override this lock?' He spoke into his omnitool and was relieved when the door opened quietly.

It took a moment to adjust to the dim lighting but he slowly worked his way through the room to the bedroom where a light was on. There were no signs of struggle or damage but that didn't mean there wasn't danger. He peered around the door and his heart almost broke. Without a second thought he was across the room.

Shepard never moved as he crouched awkwardly before her. She sat on the floor with her knees pulled tightly into her chest, her arms wrapped around them, her eyes staring at nothing. She was rocking and shaking uncontrollably and Joker guessed she was suffering from shock.

'Shepard,' he spoke softly as he reached for the blanket on the bed. There was no response and that worried him. He slowly moved closer, hoping she didn't lash out in panic. 'Shepard,' he raised his voice a little and her eyelids flickered. He took a deep breath, exhaled gently and placed his hand on her arm, 'Arelia.'

Whether it was his voice, his touch or the sound of her name he would never know but she looked up at him, her eyes wide, pupils dilated. 'Joker.' It was a whisper but it was all he needed.

He moved quickly but carefully to sit beside her, pulling her into his chest and wrapping them both in the blanket. She was shivering so badly he found it hard to hold her but he refused to let go. The shivers became tremors as she sobbed into his chest, her arms wrapping around him as if he was a lifeline to her sanity. He buried his face in her hair, his own tears leaving hot trails down his cheeks.

'It's okay, Ari, I'm here,' he whispered between her sobs.

A commotion made him look up to find Dr Chakwas, Garrus and Miranda in the doorway. Chakwas put her arm out to stop Miranda from entering and ordered her and Garrus into the living room. Quietly she closed the door and moved to kneel beside the two people she cared about most in the world.

'Joker,' she spoke softly, her eyes taking in the colour of Shepard's skin and the sheen of sweat. 'What happened?'

'Don't know,' he shook his head, 'shock I think, she was curled up rocking and shivering. She didn't respond until I touched her and called her by her first name.' He looked at Chakwas through red eyes, 'I don't know why, I wasn't sure what to do.'

'You did the right thing,' Chakwas ran her omnitool over Shepard who hadn't moved. 'I'm really surprised this hasn't happened sooner,' she sighed and looked at her readings. 'I'm guessing that the first decent sleep she's had let her subconscious take over. Nightmares,' she clarified at his confused stare.

'So by doing what I thought was the right thing I've done the wrong thing,' he grimaced. 'Seems I can't do anything right when it comes to Shepard.'

'You're here,' Shepard spoke so softly they almost missed it.

'Shepard,' Chakwas leaned in and her relief was evident as Shepard turned to look at her, her head not leaving Joker's chest. 'I need you to get up for me, can you do that?'

As much as he didn't want to release his hold Joker let go as she slowly pulled herself upright, but her hands gripped his and her body still rested against him. He was relieved to see some colour back in her face but her eyes were still haunted.

'Shepard, you should get back into bed,' Chakwas helped her up onto the bed, working around her death grip on Joker's hand.

Joker felt the pressure on his fingers but didn't object, he could deal with having broken fingers if it comforted Shepard. As if reading his mind she softened her hold, but she didn't let go. He moved into a kneeling position, ignoring the pain in his legs as they supported his weight.

'Shepard,' Dr Chakwas waited until Shepard looked at her, 'I'm going to give you a sedative, you need to sleep. Do you understand?'

'Yes,' it was weak but it was enough.

Joker stood up to give the doctor some room and to take the pressure off his legs, but Shepard still refused to let go of his hand. Chakwas administered the sedative, tucked Shepard in and stepped back.

'Jeff?'

'I'm here, babe,' he knelt down, pulling her hand into his chest and placing his other arm on the pillow around her head.

'I'm your babe,' she giggled through half closed eyes and he knew the drugs were kicking in, 'I like that.' A smile lingered as she drifted into sleep.

'Me too,' he whispered as he brushed the hair from her face and placed a kiss on her forehead. 'Me too.' He kissed her fingers as her hand relaxed its hold, tucked her arm under the covers and followed Chakwas into the living room.

He stepped through the door and his legs gave out. He slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. Garrus was quickly beside him, his hand on Joker's shoulder.

'Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' he nodded, fighting back tears. 'It was just hard, you know, seeing her like that.'

'Yeah,' Garrus nodded and patted his shoulder then turned as voices behind him became heated.

'She needs to be on the Normandy,' Miranda was almost spitting she was so angry.

'No, she doesn't,' Chakwas was calm in comparison. 'She needs to sleep and she can't do that on board. In fact,' she brought up her omnitool and typed something in. 'As of now, Shepard and Joker are on 48 hours medical leave.'

'You can't do that!'

'I just did,' Chakwas folded her arms across her chest as if daring Miranda to argue.

'Why him? I can take care of her, he's the reason she's like this in the first place.'

Joker blanched and Garrus started to say something but Chakwas beat him to it.

'How dare you,' her voice was soft but the threat was real. 'Joker risked his life to save ours, he was willing to die to make sure everyone else lived. Shepard knew the risks the minute the ship was hit, she was willing to die for us, to make sure we had time to escape. If the same thing happened now you can guarantee that they would both put their lives on the line to save yours. Can you say the same?'

Miranda's mouth was moving but no words came out. She was truly out of her depth. As part of Cerberus she had become accustomed to not worrying about other's lives, it was something you accepted as part of a cell. As long as the leader survived everyone else was expendable. But these people she had been forced to work with were throwing their humanity in her face and it made her uncomfortable. It made her face her own shortcomings and that made her feel, she didn't like feeling anything, it got in the way.

'Joker,' Chakwas turned back to him, 'Shepard needs someone to stay.'

'As if you need to ask,' he smirked and tapped Garrus to give him a hand to stand up.

'Let me know if you need me,' Chakwas indicated that everyone else should leave.

'I'll bring you some clothes in the morning,' Garrus let go of Joker's arm. 'If you need anything else let me know.'

Joker watched them leave and went to check on Shepard. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully so he reached down to grab a pillow before heading back to the sofa. As if sensing his presence she reached for his hand and pulled his arm around her, forcing him onto the bed. Joker thought for a whole minute before slipping of his boots and trousers and climbing in beside her. What's the worst that could happen, she'd kick him out and break a few bones. He could live with that he decided as she moved beside him and snuggled into him, her back warm against his chest. _Yep, he could get used to this and it was definitely worth a few broken bones._

* * *

_When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one way street  
With the monsters in your head  
When hopes and dreams are far away and  
You feel like you can't face the day  
_

_Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone_

_**Savage Garden — Crash And Burn**_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who is reading, reviewing, favouriting and following - give a girl a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I like to think you'll let me know if I get OOC, hopefully I'm not. I truly believe Joker would be a very caring person once you get past his barriers. I'm judging this on personal experience with people in my life who have had to deal with debilitating illness and other such stuff.**

**Also, I hope I've managed to capture the essence of what Shepard would be feeling. Been through enough trauma to know how it feels. **

**Please review, even if it's to pull me up on something - every review is welcome.**

* * *

Joker awoke to the feeling that he was being watched and for a moment confusion reigned until he remembered where he was. _Shit, was this where all his bones got broken_. He rubbed his hands over his face, forcing himself fully awake before turning to look at the woman alongside him.

'Mornin' Commander,' he tried to sound flippant but failed dismally. His stomach churned as he met her beautiful blue eyes, which were surprisingly clear.

'That's a bit formal for the position we are currently in,' she smirked.

'Ah, yeah, about that,' Joker was lost for words, something highly unusual for him. He wasn't sure which way to go, should he be serious and talk about what happened or should he be his usual self. He decided on the latter. 'I got this call last night about this huge bed that was too big for one person and it needed to be decorated with a handsome pilot so that when you woke up you had something pleasant to look at. Who am I to disobey orders?' He shrugged.

'That's the best you could come up with?' Shepard raised her eyebrows at him.

'Hey, short notice,' he grimaced but met her eyes and held them. 'Seriously, Shepard, how are you feeling?'

'I'm fine.' She went to turn away but he gently held her chin with his fingers.

'Shepard?'

'I will be fine,' she was looking everywhere but at him and he knew she was lying.

'Do you remember last night?' He let go of her chin and watched as she fought back tears.

'Yes I do!' She pushed herself away from him, angrily wiping the tears from her face as she sat up. 'I don't have time for this, I have a mission to complete, a galaxy to save. I need to be Commander Shepard!' She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, turning her back so he couldn't see her face. 'I don't need to be treated like an invalid. I don't need you, I think you should go.'

'Shepard,' her words stabbed him as physically as if she'd had a knife in her hand and he reached for her but she pulled away. His heart sank into his stomach as she stood up and headed for the bathroom, keeping her face turned away.

'Helmsman Moreau, leave now, or do I have to find a pilot who will obey orders.' She entered the bathroom and closed the door.

Joker was stunned. His heart ached and he couldn't breathe. In all the time they'd been together she had never spoken to him with such coldness, she'd never threatened to remove him from her ship. He reached for his trousers and angrily pulled them on. He fought to sort out the turmoil in his head as he reached for his boots. He felt tears building but it quickly turned to anger as he realised that he had been a fool to think she felt anything for him, that they were ever more than Commander and Pilot, that he'd misread her signals. He'd deal with it, he'd distance himself from her, it would be hard but he'd do it. What choice did he have?

He picked up his boots and slowly walked to the door, his legs ached after the workout he'd given them yesterday and he grimaced at the pain. He made it as far as the sofa before he had to sit down, damn, how was he going to make it back to the Normandy. The pain in his legs and the pain in his heart conspired against him and he felt tears roll down his cheeks. The world became a fuzzy haze of grey as he struggled to put his boots on, knotting the laces as his vision blurred. His omnitool pinged and he brushed away tears so he could see only to find a new chess game appear before him.

'It's your move.'

'What the fuck!' He stared in amazement. What was she playing at, she told him to leave, that she didn't need him, threatened to find a new pilot and now she wanted to play chess! What did she think he was, someone she could push away and pull back anytime she liked? As much as he loved her he wasn't up for that and he realised that if he stayed as her pilot that's exactly what would happen. And he wouldn't be able to fight it. He looked up at the closed bedroom door and realisation hit him in the face, 'Not playing anymore, Shepard. Go find a pilot who'll follow orders.'

He stood up and headed for the door, his legs shaky and his heart breaking at the thought that she would do just that_. Shit, what have I done? What if she really does find another pilot?_ _What if she's too damn stubborn for her own good?_ His hand was on the door lock and he was shaking so badly he found it hard to open. Suddenly he found himself spun around and backed up against the wall and he grimaced as his shoulders took the brunt of the hurt. It took him a moment to recover as it registered for the first time just what she was wearing. She was still in the singlet and shorts she'd worn to bed and they accentuated every curve and only just covered the essentials, her hair was messed up and falling around her face. _God, she's beautiful!_

'What the fuck do you think you're doing?' Shepard was in his face, her red swollen eyes making her appear almost demonic, quickly bringing him back to reality.

'I'm following your fucking orders!' He spat back, not hiding the pain and hurt in his voice.

'You can't leave!' she yelled and he pulled back as she continued her angry tirade. 'You're being paid to do this job. You can't be replaced at short notice. You can't leave.' Tears rolled down her cheeks and he wasn't sure if they were from anger or pain.

'Give me one good reason why!' He yelled back.

'You can't leave, this mission needs you, the Normandy needs you.' She was almost sobbing now and he wanted so much to reach out and hold her, but she wasn't ready for that yet.

'Anyone can fly the damn ship.'

'You can't leave,' she was sobbing now, choking on her words. 'I need you.' She whispered and refused to look at him.

Joker wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest as he slid to the floor, taking her with him. His legs throbbed in relief but his heart danced as the woman in his arms allowed her barriers to fall, she allowed him in. He held her silently while she cried.

It was some time before her sobs became sniffles and he felt her relax in his arms. Her breathing slowed and she shifted into a more comfortable position, one arm going around his waist, the other resting on his chest as her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. As much as she was in pain, he was in heaven. He had the woman of his dreams in his arms and she was seemingly quite happy to stay there.

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' she sniffled.

'I know,' he kissed the top of her head.

'I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here,' she sighed and absently drew circles on his chest. 'I really am sorry,' she repeated and lifted her head to look at him. He was overcome by the warmth and affection he saw there and his stomach did a somersault. 'I don't deal very well with this stuff,' she waved her hand in the air around her head and he chuckled. 'I need to be Commander Shepard, to be strong.'

'Yes you do,' Joker agreed as he moved so he could see her more easily, 'but you also need to be Arelia Shepard, you need to give yourself some time. You need to deal with everything that's happened in the last few weeks, with coming back, with how you came back. You need to give your mind time to sort through things and give your body some time to heal.'

'I don't know how,' tears rolled down her cheeks as she met his eyes.

'You let us help you,' he reached out and brushed her tears away and she leant in to his touch. His heart skipped a beat and his body responded in a way that was most inappropriate for the situation. 'Let me help you.'

'I ….' There was confusion and fear in her eyes. 'How? I'm scared, Jeff.'

'I know,' he also knew how hard that was for her to admit, she was Commander Shepard, a warrior, a hero and heroes weren't supposed to feel fear. He pulled her against him and as uncomfortable as his position was he was overjoyed when she rested comfortably against him. 'What are you scared of?'

'Me, losing control,' her voice was pained and he felt her shaking as he held her against his chest. He reached down and took her hand in his, holding it against him, wrapping his fingers around hers. 'I'm scared that I'm not really me that Cerberus brought back some kind of AI inside something that looks like me. Or if I am really me how do I know they haven't put some kind of failsafe inside me, it's something I would expect them to do. How do I know I'm not going to turn on everyone I care for because someone pushed a button somewhere?

I'm scared of failing everyone, the galaxy. I'm scared of dying, again. I'm scared of losing everyone I care about.' She gripped his fingers a little tighter and he responded in kind.

Joker felt his heart breaking at the anguish in her voice and he felt the warmth of her tears as they soaked into his shirt. What was he supposed to say, he couldn't deny her fears any more than she could, but he could help her find out if some of them were real. As for her fear of not being herself, he had no doubt it was really her, he'd known it the first time he looked in her eyes and saw her beautiful, caring soul looking back at him.

'I know it's you,' he said softly, keeping his eyes on the ceiling.

'How?'

'Because I'm your friend, because I care about you, because I …'_ love you_, he wanted so desperately to tell her but he wasn't sure that now was the time, 'you're the only one who can leave me speechless, and that's not something anyone can do.' He felt a tear run down his cheek, 'because you still get frustrated when I beat you at chess, if you were some sort of smart AI I wouldn't stand a chance.'

'I guess there is that,' she sniffled and at least she wasn't shaking any more. 'But just remember I warned you if I suddenly go insane and start shooting up the ship.'

'Noted,' he chuckled. 'But you don't have to be Commander Shepard today, Doc put you and me on forty eight hours medical leave. Miranda wasn't happy.'

'I ordered Miranda to give the crew leave, obviously she chose to ignore me.' She pulled away and every part of him wanted her back, but she didn't move far. 'I remember something else from last night,' she looked up at him and he was suddenly nervous. 'I wanted to thank you for organising this place for me.'

'Who told you?' He looked at her wide-eyed and she grinned at him.

'No-one, but now I know for sure.' She propped herself up on her arm and looked at him, her eyes scanning his face, finally coming to rest on his eyes. 'Thank you, for the room, for being here, for being you, for caring, even though you pretend you don't.' She brushed his cheek with her palm and slowly leaned in and kissed him.

Joker watched as she closed the gap, as her eyes closed and her lips touched his. His body responded without waiting for his brain to catch up and he was on fire from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Eventually he gathered his wits enough to respond just as she was pulling away. She looked at him with disappointment and he realised that she had expected more.

'Ari,' he whispered as his hand slid around her neck and his fingers ran through her hair as he gently pulled her towards him.

The feel of her soft lips on his was like nothing he'd ever felt before, they were like silk and they caressed his lips so tenderly he burned for her. The tentative touch of her tongue made his heart soar as his lips parted and allowed her entry. He moved so he could pull her closer but they ended up sliding down the wall onto the floor and he felt her arm wrap around his back, pulling him almost on top of her to soften his landing. Every part of him felt alive, it was euphoric, addictive. Their tongues danced and their bodies moulded to each other, he could feel her breasts against his chest, her legs against his, but they had to come up for air.

'Wow,' Shepard grinned, her face flushed with colour.

'Yeah,' Joker gasped huskily, his face burning as he realised she would be able to feel the effect she had on him. He brushed her hair from her face and looked into the eyes that he loved, 'that was really something and you can kill me now if you like, I'll die a happy man.'

'If I did that you wouldn't be able to kiss me like that again,' she ran her hand down his chest and felt him shiver before meeting his eyes. 'And I want you to do that again.'

'Oh god, I so want to do that again, but,' he groaned and closed his eyes as his forehead met hers, 'I think we need to talk about a couple of things before this goes too far.' He wanted nothing more than to hold her forever, feel her against him, her lips on his and he felt like he was cutting his own throat but he needed this to work out right, and that meant they had to talk about things that could affect their relationship.

'Really?' She raised her eyebrows at him and he grimaced as he nodded and she realised he was serious.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'besides, I really, really need to use the head.'

She laughed at that, 'Okay, how about I order breakfast and then we can talk, on one condition.'

'And that would be …' he met her eyes as he ran his thumb gently across her lips and felt her shiver.

'That you promise to kiss me again like that before this day is over.'

'That's one promise I'm happy to keep,' he smiled and closed the gap between them, kissing her softly before she stood up and offered her hand, gently pulling him to his feet.

He cursed his body as he headed for the bathroom and cursed himself while he was at it, he had to be the galaxy's biggest idiot. _Why?_ His fantasy had come to life and he'd dragged it back into reality. _Shit, what was I thinking?_ Self-preservation, that's what. With a groan he pulled up his omnitool and sent a message.

_Garrus,_

_We're up, give us an hour for breakfast and get Kasumi and Doc to come with you._

_Also, we've got a vermin problem, can you get Mordin to bring one of his scanners over._

_Joker_

_PS. Miranda's not invited._


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard watched Joker disappear into the bedroom, noticing that he was limping a little more than usual. As she ordered breakfast she wondered if she was making a mistake. Feeling his arms around her, his lips on hers and seeing the warmth and affection in his eyes had aroused feeling she'd tried to keep hidden for a long time. But they were in a battle for their very survival and it had already killed her once.

She sighed deeply as she walked over and opened the privacy screens. This really was a beautiful place and she hoped it stayed that way. The Reapers were coming, she knew that, the Collectors were already here doing their dirty work. Places like this deserved a chance to survive and she was determined to give them that. Could she do that if she was emotionally involved with someone, would her feelings get in the way? Could he deal with her going into battle if they tried this, he wasn't a soldier like her, could he face the fact she may not come back? Could he face the possibility of her death, again? There was a big difference between watching your commander go into battle and watching your lover do the same.

_Lover? Oh god she so wanted that_. Even more so now that she'd had a taste. Before everything had gone to hell the night before she had decided to let herself have some happiness, to be a little self-indulgent, a little selfish. Hell, she'd earned it. But was that fair to Joker? Did she have the strength to fight and love at the same time? _Love? Was it really?_ If she really thought about it she guessed it was. She wanted it so badly, to have someone she could be herself with, break down on and not feel weak and pathetic. Sometimes she got tired of being Commander Shepard.

And that was really the root of her problems right now. She had broken down, lost control of her emotions, her strength. It frightened her, in fact it terrified her. What if it happened again? What if by opening up her heart she allowed her weaknesses to show through? What if he only wanted Commander Shepard, not Arelia? She'd never allowed anyone to see her so vulnerable before, never allowed anyone to get so close. Even when she'd been in a relationship, and there weren't many, she had always been strong, never allowing her emotions to take control. What if …? She groaned and buried her face in her hands, too many what ifs.

'You okay?'

She jumped as Joker came up behind her and she shivered as she felt his fingers on her skin, gently massaging her neck, slowly working their way down her shoulders. Damn that felt good.

'Hey,' he chuckled, 'that's one for me, I made the great Commander Shepard jump.'

'Laugh it up, flyboy. You only get one chance at that.' She closed her eyes and leaned into his hands, relaxing into the pleasure that his fingers provided. 'Are you okay, I noticed you were limping a little more than usual?'

'Yeah, I'm fine, just gave the legs a bit more of a work than they're used to.' He leaned in and kissed the top of her head.

'Jeff, we need to talk,' she felt his fingers stop and stiffen before slowly resuming their work on her shoulders.

'You know that has to be the most hated statement in the history of mankind. It's one of those "I want to jump of a roof" type statements because it puts fear into the hearts of men everywhere. Makes us go all weak at the knees and tremble in terror. Not that we'd show it of course because we're all manly and stuff.' He moved closer and whispered, 'Men everywhere are going to hate me for letting you in on that secret so when they break me it will be your fault.'

'Your secret's safe with me.' she laughed and there was a knock at the door. 'That's breakfast, I'll get it.'

'Ah, no,' Joker turned her around and looked her up and down shamelessly, 'I'll get it, you put some clothes on so I can eat.' He grinned and walked away.

She returned covered in her robe to find that breakfast was a plentiful affair, Shepard laughed as she realised how much she'd ordered then watched in delight as Joker proceeded to eat most of it. She listened as he regaled her with tales of breakfast at home, how his dad would always pile up their plates and his mum would berate him for it and reduce their servings, only to have his dad sneak behind her and put it all back. He and his sister would laugh and his mum would throw her hands up in defeat, laughing with them.

They reminisced about the original Normandy and some of their missions. Joker reminded her about the close quarter drop on Ilos, leading the fleet in the battle for the Citadel and how good it felt to take down Sovereign. It was then she realised that he was a soldier, a warrior, only he didn't carry a gun. His weapon was his ship, his ability to fly it, to do what many others couldn't. Every time she was groundside he was up there in as much danger as she was, ready to swoop in and pick her up. She remembered his confidence, his skill, his determination and bravery, never hesitating to put his life on the line. He'd stepped up beside her and stayed there, not once doubting her or mistrusting her. He put his life in her hands just as much as she put hers in his. Without hesitation she reached for his hand, chuckling as he looked at her in surprise when she interlaced her fingers through his.

'Jeff,' she met his beautiful green eyes and knew she'd already lost her heart, she just had to admit it. 'I want you to know I care deeply for you, I don't want to hurt you but….. 'She felt his fingers tense and he looked away. 'I want to see where this goes, I need you in my life, as more than my pilot. I don't do casual, I don't want a one night stand or a fling. I value your friendship and I don't want to lose that but I'm willing to take the chance if you are.'

His eyes were wide as he looked back at her and he was quiet, his fingers gripping hers and she was afraid she'd misread his intentions. She watched as he slowly stood up and pulled her to her feet his arms sliding around her, pulling her into him.

'Ari, I'm yours as long as you want me,' he brushed the side of her face with his fingers and she marvelled at how soft his touch was, 'on one condition.'

'Which is?'

'That you try not to break me, too much anyway,' he laughed as she scowled at him. 'What! I'm fragile.'

'You'd better not piss me off then,' she chuckled but was quickly serious. 'Would you really have left?'

'Are you nuts, best ship in the galaxy, comfortable leather seats, big guns, what more could a man want,' he laughed again as she hit his arm playfully. 'Ow, watch it.' He shook his head, 'I could never leave you,' he brushed his thumb across her lips and she shivered. 'I'm just glad you didn't call my bluff.'

Time stood still as his lips found hers and she gave herself over to the rush of emotion, the divine pleasure of his touch and the depth of tenderness in his caress. Even the feel of his beard on her face was soft and gentle. She wrapped her arms around him, feeling for the first time the firmness of his build, the strength in his arms and the definition in his body. She wanted more, so much more and her hands slid to his waist, reaching for his shirt, aching to feel the skin underneath. Until someone knocked at the door.

'Damn,' she dropped her forehead to his chest, her breath rapid and her heart racing.

'That's company,' Joker sighed. 'You can get that, I need to hit the shower before I'm presentable.'

'Really,' she grinned wickedly and pulled him in close, he groaned as his arousal rubbed against her.

'Really,' he gently pushed her away and rolled his eyes. 'Go get the door woman,' he laughed and slapped her playfully on the behind as she walked past him, chuckling at the yelp that was definitely not something Commander Shepard would come out with.

* * *

Joker stepped out of the bathroom to find a bag on the bed with his jeans and a t-shirt inside which he donned quickly and turned to look for his cap that he'd forgotten to pick up earlier. He frowned when it wasn't on the nightstand where he'd left it. With a moan he knelt down and looked around on the floor, under the bed, among the blankets but it seemed to have disappeared. He was getting to his feet when he spied the bill sticking out from under Shepard's pillow.

She must have picked it up after he'd left, after she'd thrown him out. He pulled it out to find that it was damp. Had she been crying into his cap? The image of her curled up, hugging his cap and crying was enough to break his heart and yet it gave him goose bumps and made him smile. He placed it on his head and walked to the door.

He leant against the doorjamb and chuckled as he took in the sight before him. Shepard, Kasumi and Chakwas were finishing the remnants of breakfast, chatting and laughing while Mordin stood over them watching, as if they were some kind of science experiment gone wrong. Joker found his eyes drawn to Shepard, she looked so relaxed, so content but he knew it was only on the surface. As if she felt him watching her she turned and met his eyes. His breath stopped in his chest, there was so much passion in her gaze. He felt it wash over him, he couldn't deny the longing it aroused in him and he smiled at her. It amazed him that this strong beautiful woman wanted him, needed him, he just hoped he wasn't going to let her down, disappoint her, that he was going to be enough for her. She smiled at him and he felt the darkness of the last two years disappear, as if the sun had come out for the very first time.

'Shepard looks better,' Garrus had moved beside him and he jumped at the sound of his voice.

'Shit, Garrus, give a guy some warning.'

'Sorry,' Garrus chuckled.

'Yeah, she is. She needed this, needs more time, but she'll get better.' Joker knew the demons hadn't been driven out, only sidelined for a while but it was a start. 'Got a bit rough for a bit but she's dealing with it.'

'We're all here for her, she knows that,' Garrus leant on the wall alongside him.

'She knows that but you also know what she's like. She's too damn stubborn to admit she needs help. She is Commander Shepard.'

'That's true,' Garrus agreed. 'We just have to make sure she gets some down time and from the look she just gave you, assuming I've learned to read humans, I'd say you'd better have down time when she does.' He chuckled as Joker's face coloured.

'That obvious, huh?'

'Has been for some time now,' Garrus laughed and patted Joker's shoulder gently, 'but only to those who know you both well, 'he stood up and started to move towards Shepard. 'And the crew and probably everyone who's been within seeing distance….' Joker groaned softly as he followed Garrus who was enjoying himself at his expense.

Joker stood beside Shepard and as much as he wanted to touch her he wasn't sure how they were going to handle things around others yet so he hesitated. Shepard had no hesitation though and she got up from her seat and slid her arm around his waist, pulling him in towards her and kissing him gently. There was no hesitation in his response, his arm wrapped around her waist and he smiled as she pulled back from her kiss.

'Hey you,' she mirrored his smile. 'Feel better now.'

'Yeah, but you do know you're torturing me don't you.'

'All part of my evil plan,' she chuckled and they both turned as Kasumi gave a squeal.

'Yes!' she was almost jumping up and down with excitement. 'I knew it and about time.'

'This stays in this room,' Shepard looked at those around her, the joy in her eyes not hidden from any of them. 'You are the people I trust the most so don't let me down.'

'Whatever you say, Shepard,' they all agreed.

'Joker said you had a vermin problem,' Mordin looked puzzled, 'No sign of vermin, room is surprisingly clean.'

'Not the kind of vermin I meant,' Joker shook his head before looking at Shepard. 'The reason we knew you were in trouble last night was because of EDI. She is somehow tracking your biometric readings when you're not wearing your armour.' He saw her face pale as her fears came to life. He pulled her in tighter and brushed her face gently, 'I thought we'd find out how.'

'I did a complete scan when Shepard came back on the Normandy,' Dr Chakwas looked and sounded concerned. 'Nothing showed up.'

'Maybe not detected because not artificial,' Mordin was talking as he worked on the scanner he'd brought with him. 'Possibly included in regrowth of tissue, part of cybernetic implants perhaps.'

'Of course,' Chakwas nodded. 'I logged her cybernetics but didn't think to check for readings. I'm sorry Shepard,' she was upset that she hadn't thought about it.

'It's okay doctor,' Shepard reached out and took her hand. 'We can find out now. Where do you want to do this?' She looked to Mordin.

'Lying down would be best, perhaps bedroom.'

Joker gave her a gentle squeeze before releasing her into the hands of Mordin and Chakwas. He watched the door close and wondered if she would still be as happy and relaxed when she came out. He sighed and dropped into a chair, his gaze wandering to the view outside but not seeing the beauty in it.

'Well done,' Garrus placed his hand on Joker's shoulder.

'I hope so,' Joker nodded, hoping he hadn't caused more problems than he could solve.

* * *

Shepard tried to calm her churning stomach as she lay on the bed while Mordin passed his scanner over her. She watched as he adjusted the settings and did it again, slower this time, adjusted the settings again and started at her feet once more. She allowed her thoughts to drift, trying to ignore the fear in her heart. Joker, she thought of him and felt instant relief.

When she'd turned to see him standing in the doorway she'd almost gasped out loud. It was the first time she could remember seeing him out of uniform and the way his t-shirt hugged his body was more than she expected. She knew he had good upper body tone from years of using crutches but what she saw was more than just that. He was more defined than some of the marines she'd served with, more sculptured. When he smiled at her the world upended and she struggled to find her footing. Any doubt she had disappeared and was completely washed away when she realised he'd listened to her fears and cared enough to do something about them.

'Interesting,' Mordin brought her back to reality. 'Very clever, easily disconnected but clever.'

'What?' Shepard sat up.

'No artificial chips or sensors, cybernetics not producing readings,' Mordin looked at his readings and Shepard frowned at his pause. 'Readings coming from omnitool, unique in design with individual biometric scanner. Signal constant, all use monitored and recorded. Clever, omnitools standardised and widespread so no questioning of provision.'

'I thought all omnitools had scanners in them.' Shepard was puzzled.

'No, only medical interface tools, standard tools do not.' He turned and scanned Dr Chakwas. 'As suspected, signal from your tool as well, assume provided by Cerberus.'

'Yes,' Chakwas nodded, her anger easily seen.

'Can we stop the signal?'

'Easily done, but will alert watcher of discovery.' Mordin thought for a moment and a smile brightened his face as he looked up at Shepard. 'Is another option.'

Shepard felt relief wash over her as she accepted that yes Cerberus was tracking her but not through any type of chip. They might be clever in their method but they hadn't counted on Shepard and her team. They had underestimated and that would aid in their downfall. She looked up at Mordin.

'Tell me your plan, doctor.'


	12. Chapter 12

Joker wandered back onto the Normandy and felt like he was home. His unit on Mars or the Citadel had never felt that way, no other ship he'd served on had ever seemed like home either. The SR-1 had felt like this and now that he thought about it he knew it was because of Shepard. She had walked into his life, bringing chaos, adventure and destruction with her but she'd also brought her quirky sense of humour, her caring nature, her strength and determination. Somewhere along the way she had become the most important person in his life, being on her ship had become the only life he wanted. Having a second chance was something he never expected or dreamed of, but he had one and he wasn't going to let it go to waste.

He'd left Shepard in the hands of Kasumi and Chakwas and returned to the Normandy with Mordin, who had rushed off to his lab to work on the details of his plan to get around the Cerberus tracking. When he'd found out that he was being tracked as well it had pissed him off to know that his privacy wasn't as private as he thought. He had no doubt that the problem would be fixed and he should have known that he wasn't getting something for nothing, Cerberus didn't work that way, but it still annoyed the hell out of him.

He grinned as he remembered the almost evil smile on Shepard's face as they discussed their discovery and how they planned to fix it. She had been eager to get started so the ladies had gone shopping with a list from Mordin. Joker hadn't been up for wandering, his legs were still aching so he'd kissed her goodbye and come home. He couldn't stop the smile as he thought about kissing her, being with her, he hadn't wanted to leave her but they had to appear as if nothing had changed. Besides, he was eager to check on Shepard's quarters to make sure the problem had been fixed.

Joker stepped into the loft and was relieved to see the skylight had been covered, it now had a retractable shutter like the observation lounges. Miranda had kept her word. He looked around and couldn't ignore how sterile the room was, it wasn't welcoming at all. It felt cold and the empty fish tank was just a complete waste of space. He thought about it for a moment then grinned as he turned and left, heading out to visit an old friend.

It was a couple of hours later when Joker headed down to the shuttle bay to check on another suggestion he'd made. He was about to step onto the elevator when Miranda pulled him aside.

'Where is Shepard?' She seemed flustered and Joker wondered if the boss had been on her back.

'She said she had something to do,' he watched as she paced, absently playing with her fingers. 'Something wrong?'

'No, I just…' as if she realised she was giving something away she stopped and pulled herself together. 'I'll send her a message.'

'Oh right, just forget that she's on medical leave, that she needs a break, that she's lost two years of her life and needs some time to adjust.' His anger was taking hold, but before he could vent any further Miranda looked at him and he saw pain in her eyes.

'I know you don't like me, Mr Moreau, but I do have Shepard's best interests at heart. I want to see her alive and well just as much as you.' She sighed and turned to walk away.

'Hey, Miranda,' Joker felt a little guilty that he accused her of not caring every time they spoke. Maybe she did care, maybe he'd misjudged. 'Thanks for fixing Shepard's quarters.'

'We need her at her best to complete this mission, it's what we brought her back for.' And maybe he hadn't he thought as he stepped into the elevator.

Joker had been taking advantage of the gym that Jacob had set up in a corner of the shuttle bay. He was keeping up his physio and he enjoyed the burning in his muscles, the strength that was slowly building. Sitting in the pilot's seat for so many hours a day didn't help his legs and, as much as he loved his job, he wanted his legs to be better now that they could be. They'd never be perfect but they could be better. He'd always had good upper body strength and tone, he'd needed it because his legs wouldn't support him. Now he wanted more, he wanted to be stronger, to be more like someone who went out on missions, who could watch a team mates's back. Not that he ever would, but he wanted to feel like he could.

With that in mind he had asked Jacob about setting up a shooting range. His conversation with Shepard about her not being herself had played on his mind and the threat at Purgatory had opened his eyes. If they ever were boarded he wanted to know he could at least try to defend his ship, his Commander. _Yeah right, like she needed his help._ He was surprised when Jacob agreed, even complimented him on having the idea. It took some doing but they picked up supplies from Nos Astra and eventually they had a small range set up in the bay.

Joker had done his weapons training when he joined the Alliance and got impressive scores, but he'd never kept it up. Alliance regs stated that he should have a pistol at hand, but he'd never really felt like he needed one. He didn't need one now, but he wanted one. He looked at the weapons laid out on the bench and he wasn't sure which gun he should be using, he remembered the assault rifle but he knew it had a kick, almost broke his shoulder during training.

'Use the pistol,' Jacob came up behind him and handed him one of the smaller, lighter weapons. 'Less kickback but impressive force, we can mod it so it's lighter if you can't handle it.'

Joker held the weapon and was surprised that it felt natural. He raised it and looked down the sights, he could handle this. He loaded the weapon and walked to the line. The first shot went wide and he felt the jerk through his wrists but he was determined. He took a deep breath, sighted, exhaled and fired. A hit. Not a fatal shot but enough to stop someone.

'Nice.'

Jacob walked over, took the pistol from him, and went back to the weapons bench. Joker watched as he worked, taking note of how everything went together. Jacob handed the weapon back and he was surprised at how much lighter it was. There was also a new sight scope and Joker grinned as he stepped up to the line.

Deep breath.

Sight.

Exhale.

Fire.

A hit. And his wrists didn't hurt. He smiled as he heard Jacob chuckle beside him. Guessing that it was just pure luck he did it again. Definitely fatal. He was rather pleased with himself, he'd always done his best at everything and that included weapons training. He'd always felt like he had to prove a point. He hadn't not been able to use a gun, he just hadn't wanted to. He'd only wanted to be a pilot and that didn't require guns.

'Didn't realise you knew how to shoot,' Jacob picked up an assault rifle and began pulling it apart.

'Always been able to, never needed to,' Joker watched him work. 'Not much call for guns on the bridge.'

'Guess not,' Jacob checked the sights and handed the assault rifle to Joker. 'Try this.'

Joker eyed the weapon suspiciously but took it anyway. It felt light and he lifted it to his shoulder, sighted and fired. There was some kickback but not enough to do any damage. He turned to Jacob in surprise.

'Recoil mod,' Jacob grinned. 'Guess they didn't have those when you went through basic. This one's an early model, some of the newer ones are even better.'

'Nice,' Joker grinned and turned back to try again. He could get used to this.

'What's this, someone put a range on my ship and didn't tell me.'

Joker felt his heart skip as Shepard came up behind them. He looked down at her and smiled at the excitement on her face, he wasn't sure if it was because of him or she just liked shooting guns and now she wouldn't have to wait for a mission. She chuckled as she moved beside him and looked at the weapon in his hand. Her eyebrows went up and her eyes were wide as she met his amused stare.

'It was Joker's idea,' Jacob thumbed in his direction. 'EDI helped me set it up.'

'Really!' Shepard's eyebrows went up even further and Joker almost laughed.

'I do have good ideas sometimes,' he narrowed his eyes at her as he realised she was in her armour. Thought you were on a day off.'

'Miranda needs help with a problem and you know I'm not one for sitting around when I can shoot something.' She grinned at him. 'Can I assume all safety protocols have been followed,' she turned to Jacob.

'Yes, we're using training clips, kinetic barriers and EDI has assured me there's no danger to the ship or crew.'

'Good,' she nodded and took the rifle from Joker's hands. 'Probably should put a newer model mod in, make it lighter as well.'

'I had planned to do that,' Jacob took the rifle to the workbench. 'But he can handle a pistol.'

'Really,' the eyebrows went up again and Joker laughed this time.

'Really, Shepard. I'm not just a hotshot pilot you know. I did weapons training as well.' He picked up the pistol and walked back to the line. He was a little nervous now that Shepard was watching but he didn't let it show. His shot was perfect, possibly fatal.

'I'm impressed!' Shepard chuckled. 'Can you do it again?'

Joker rolled his eyes at her and fired off another round. Again a good shot, enough to take someone down. He waggled his eyebrows at her and grinned. 'See, not just a pretty face either.'

'Okay,' Shepard laughed. 'But if you're going to do this let's make sure you do it right.' She moved behind him and very carefully nudged his feet apart slightly. 'You need to find your centre, you know what's comfortable but you also need to be balanced.'

'I get it, Shepard,' he grabbed her arm as she ran her hand down his leg, trying to ignore the shiver that ran up his spine. He met her eyes as she looked up at him and he realised she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

'Good,' she nodded and he was sure she was blushing as she straightened up and turned her face away. 'You need to soften your grip, pull your elbows in and down, let them absorb the recoil.' She placed her hand over his and adjusted his grip.

Joker almost gasped at her touch. _Was she shaking?_ He fought to focus his thoughts as her fingers lingered on his before sliding away gently as she stepped back.

'Try it now,' she met his eyes and he had to force himself to turn his head.

Joker looked down the sights, trying to calm his racing heart and steady his hands. He pulled in a deep breath before exhaling and pulling the trigger. A perfect shot. Beside him Shepard noisily let out the breath she'd been holding and he turned his head to look at her.

'Well done, don't try aiming for the head though. Aim for the body, might not kill someone but it will definitely stop them and it's a bigger target,' she grinned and whether she meant to or not she grabbed his arm and hugged it.

'Hey, breakable here,' Joker reminded her and she looked up at him in panic. With a laugh he licked his finger and dragged it through the air.

Shepard shook her head and laughed. 'Okay, I'll give you that one.' The glance she gave him held a mixture of humour, pride, and something else that he couldn't quite read. 'I've got work to do,' she rubbed his arm absently, 'oh yeah, I left a present for you on your chair,' she grinned before turning and walking away.

Joker watched her leave, damn he loved that view. He heard Jacob chuckle and turned to look at him, 'What?'

'Man, you've got it bad.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' Joker fiddled with the pistol grip so Jacob wouldn't see the colour in his face.

'Sure,' he chuckled. 'What's worse is Shepard's got it too.'

'What!' Joker spun to face him. 'What makes you say that?'

'I think it's pretty obvious,' Jacob shook his head. 'Good luck, I think you're going to have your hands full.' He laughed and headed for the elevator.

Joker stared after him and shook his head, they would have to be more careful, but the warmth and the tingle of his arm where Shepard had been rubbing made being careful the last thing on his mind. Remembering Shepard's parting words he headed back to the bridge where he found a package and a note on his chair.

_Dinner tonight_, he read the address and time then chuckled as he read the rest – _yes, it is a date._

He opened the package to find a leather, bomber style jacket with wings embroidered on the left breast pocket. He tried it on for size and grinned when he found a cap in the pocket. It was a black cap with the word 'Flyboy' in white on the bill. It reminded him of the old moves he'd watched as a kid where the pilots always wore bomber jackets and caps. He was surprised not only that she'd found it but that she'd thought of him when she did. He checked the time, still several hours before their 'date', so he sat in his chair and turned on Shepard's suit feed. If she had to go to work, so did he. He looked up just in time to see Shepard breaking the neck of an Eclipse merc before all hell broke loose.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thanks to everyone following, reading and reviewing, glad you're enjoying it. This chapter is a little longer than normal, didn't plan it that way it just happened. In fact I had planned it to go in a completely different direction but Joker was in my ear - I'm sure you can imagine that conversation - lol!**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy and please let me know if you think something is wrong or out of character.**

* * *

Joker checked his hair for the fourth time, straightened his collar for the third time, sighed and slipped on the jacket and cap Shepard had given him. He looked at himself in the mirror and was fairly happy with what he saw, he'd tidied his beard and his hair was reasonably neat. He wiped his palms on his jeans, took a deep breath and headed for the elevator.

Kasumi met him as he stepped into the corridor and she smiled knowingly. He felt her grin as she joined him in the elevator, not speaking, but he was sure she was enjoying his nervousness. He glanced at her as the doors closed and couldn't keep quiet.

'Do I have dirt on my face or something?' He scowled at her.

'No,' she chuckled, 'just admiring the view.'

'Really?' His surprise was genuine, he'd never thought of himself as good looking, he imagined others saw him as he saw himself, a cripple with a hunched stance and awkward movements. Although he had felt better about himself of late, now that he could walk almost normally and no more crutches.

'Really,' Kasumi laughed. 'You brush up pretty good. Having dinner with Shep I assume.'

'Yep,' He couldn't help the grin that seemed permanently plastered to his face.

'I'm glad,' she slid her hand into the crook of his elbow. 'I think you two are good together, and you both deserve some happiness.'

'Thanks,' he looked down at her, 'how are things with Jacob?'

'I think he's finally starting to notice me,' she grinned and squeezed his arm gently.

'Maybe you should ask him out for a drink or something,' Joker chuckled at her enthusiasm.

'I might just do that,' she followed him out as the elevator stopped. 'You have a good night,' she winked and headed for the armoury.

'You look very nice, are you going out?' Kelly Chambers stepped in front of him as he headed towards the bridge.

'Yep,' he tried to sidestep but she stopped him and placed her hand on his chest. Most of the time he managed to avoid her, but not this time.

'Want some company?'

'Ah, no,' he tried to hide the sense of creepiness he always felt around her. 'Meeting someone.'

'Shame,' she ran her hand towards his belt and he grabbed it hurriedly. 'I could have shown you a good time.'

_Eww! Think I'll be sick now._ He managed to hide his disgust, 'No thanks, Chambers, you're not my type.' He slipped around her and hurried into the airlock, eager to get of the ship.

'Mr Moreau,' EDI stopped him.

'What is it EDI?'

'I thought we might carry out those diagnostics now.'

'Sorry, going out,' he glanced at the blue orb and a strange sense of foreboding ran through him.

'The safety of the ship and crew are of more importance.'

'Thing about us humans is that we need to have some fun, all work and no play, you know.' He tried to keep it light but something about EDI's tone felt off. 'I'll see you later.'

He brushed away his concerns as he took a sky cab to the address Shepard had left. His nerves returned as the cab landed and he looked up in surprise at an Earth type establishment, a pub. He glanced around and realised everything around him was from Earth, clothing stores, food stores, even furniture stores. It was like the Earth quarter of Nos Astra. Trust Shepard to find it. His hand was shaking as he opened the door and walked into a very busy and noisy bar, it was mostly a human crowd but he could see a few Asari and a couple of Turians mixed in.

He looked around but had to look twice to make sure he was looking at his Commander. _Holy shit!_ She'd put on make-up and her hair was anything but the disheveled, rough style it usually was. _She's stunning!_ He realised that a group of well-built sailors surrounded her, from the uniform he would say a merchant crew. They were vying for her attention and she laughed with them. A pang that could only have been jealousy stabbed him in the gut and he wondered, probably not for the last time, if he really was going to be enough for her.

Then she turned and saw him. Any doubt disappeared as her eyes lit up and her smile was bright enough to outshine the sun. The sailors around her followed her gaze and their eyes narrowed in resentment. He felt like the strongest, healthiest man in the world. With a grin he walked towards her, holding himself upright and not the least bit concerned about tripping over someone's foot. Her eyes never left him and he finally got to see what she was wearing, skin tight black trousers and a close fitting, low cut t-shirt with a light jacket. He could understand why she'd been the centre of attention.

'Hey you,' she purred as she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

'Hey yourself,' he murmured into her lips as they met, his arms instinctively wrapping around her. 'How did you find this place?' He pulled back far enough to take in her face. Her eyes were shining, the blue grey colour made even more obvious by her eye shadow. He was in heaven and holding an angel in his arms, a deadly, beautiful angel that drew every eye in the room. _She's with me so eat that!_

'Liara told me about it. Apparently there are several human businesses setting up shop here and other businesses follow.' She brushed her fingers down his face and he kissed them lightly. 'I am so glad you came and you look great. That jacket suits you.'

'Right, like I'm going to turn down dinner with someone as stunning as you. Breakable, not stupid.' He grinned, 'thanks for the jacket too, reminds me of the one I had as a kid.' He took off his cap and slid it into his pocket, grinning even wider when Shepard ran her fingers through his hair.

'Moreau?'

Joker turned and blanched as he saw who'd called his name. He felt Shepard grip his fingers and slide her other arm around his shoulder.

'Moreau that is you?'

'Sinclair,' Joker acknowledged the blonde haired man walking towards him.

Last time he'd seen him had been at flight school, he and his friends had made it very clear that Joker shouldn't be flying, that he shouldn't be anything other than a stay at home cripple. They had cornered him in the shower, left him with several broken bones and badly wounded pride. Joker hadn't reported the incident but he'd got his own back when his scores had been perfect and Sinclair's were far from it. Joker knew he'd been given a desk job, the alliance hadn't trusted him, they had eventually allowed him to fly shuttles but after his third accident they put him back behind a desk. He'd quit not long after and Joker hadn't heard of him since.

'Small universe, huh.' He came to a stop before Joker and held out his hand, reluctantly Joker took it but quickly released it. 'What are you doing out here?'

'Flying, you know.' He noticed that Sinclair was wearing the same shirt as the sailors around him. 'You're flying a merchant ship?'

'Yeah, it's a job. What are you flying, shuttles?'

'Not likely,' Shepard spoke up, gently squeezing his fingers as she did. 'Joker's too good to be stuck flying shuttles.'

Sinclair looked at Shepard and his eyes widened. Joker's heart soared and he felt euphoric. At flight school Sinclair had been a ladies man but he'd also earned a reputation for loving and leaving. He'd hurt more women than he'd made happy.

'So what,' Sinclair's eyes were glued to Shepard, 'personal cruiser, transport or merchant?'

'Oh, much better than that,' Shepard laughed and she met Joker's eyes as he turned to look at her, he wasn't sure he wanted her to continue. As much as it would put Sinclair in his place, he wasn't sure it wouldn't provoke the wrong reaction. He saw the pride in her eyes and decided it was worth the risk.

'State of the art warship,' Joker was speaking to Shepard, ignoring the stares of those around him. 'Would you call her that?'

'Most definitely,' she grinned. 'And you make her dance so well.'

'I do don't I,' he lost all self-doubt, 'but only for you.'

'Warship?' Sinclair scoffed and Shepard glared at him. 'Like that's the truth, with your bones. I heard the Alliance kicked you out.' Some of his crewmates snickered and Joker felt Shepard tense beside him, her fingers gripping his in support.

Before he could respond Shepard slid off her stool, her eyes dark and cold. 'Why would the Alliance kick out the pilot of the Normandy, the ship that helped take down Sovereign at the battle of the Citadel, someone who can fly into a volcano, who's pulled his commander's ass out of the fire more than once.'

She stepped forward and Sinclair took a hurried step back. 'Joker is the best damn pilot I've ever had the pleasure of serving with and I've served with a lot. You should be thankful he's at the helm of the ship that's taking on the Collectors and saving your collective asses.' She looked around at his crewmates and they too seemed cowed by her tone and stance. Joker gently squeezed her fingers and she stepped back beside him.

'Shepard?' Sinclair paled and Joker wanted to jump up and cheer. 'Heard you were dead.' He looked at Joker and there was doubt in his eyes. 'The Normandy was destroyed, you lost that ship, killed your Commander.' He looked from Joker to Shepard and sneered.

'She's back, bigger and better than ever,' Shepard continued calmly but Joker knew it wouldn't take much for her to knock Sinclair on his ass. He felt a reassuring squeeze of his fingers, 'with the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm.'

Sinclair was uncertain, confused and Joker laughed at his inability to form a coherent sentence. Around him the sailors stepped back with new found respect for the woman they had thought was simply out for fun. Joker brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them lightly.

'Always knew you had a way with words but I think you've stumped him.'

'He was bagging you, what else could I do.' She shrugged and kissed him. 'What can I say, I protect what's mine.'

'You know, I always resented you, I thought you were getting special treatment,' Sinclair sighed and held out his hand with genuine respect this time. 'I'm sorry, Moreau, I guess I misjudged.'

'Joker,' Shepard's eyes held his and Joker had never felt more alive or confident than he did right then. 'His name is Joker.'

'It's okay,' Joker finally turned and took Sinclair's hand, making sure he allowed some of his strength to show. 'Anyone can be an asshole.'

Sinclair snorted, 'guess I deserve that. Can I at least buy you a drink?'

'Nope.' Shepard shook her head, 'we have a dinner reservation.' She pulled Joker's arm around her, placing his hand on her hip as they turned towards the dining area and Joker was sure those behind them were turning green with envy. _Shit, that felt good! _

He was laughing and so was Shepard as they took their seats. 'What was that?' He asked as they browsed the menu.

'I wasn't going to let him put you down, make fun of you to show off. Like I said, I protect what's mine.' She shrugged.

'Am I yours?' he asked playfully.

'Only if you want to be,' she quipped back with a grin she tried to hide.

'Told you before, breakable, not stupid.' He laughed and she reached for his hand.

'Guess we'll just have to be careful then,' her voice was low and sultry and his stomach fluttered. 'So, who was that idiot?'

'Just someone from flight school, made sure I knew he thought I didn't belong there,' he tried to hide the pain that came with the memory.

'I should have hit him,' Shepard scowled.

'I think what you did was better,' Joker laughed, 'besides, wouldn't want to get thrown out before we've eaten.'

'True, I am hungry,' she paused for a moment then looked up at him, 'although I think we should get desert to go.'

His thoughts ran out of control at the hint in her gaze and he found it extremely difficult to read the menu. The colour of her lips, the shine in her eyes and the lazy circles she was drawing on his hand with her thumb didn't help. His nerves were back in full force and he tried to control his racing heart as he linked his fingers through hers, begging his eyes to stay on the menu before him, they didn't and he glanced up. Shepard's face was flushed which gave him a great sense of relief, he wasn't the only one nervous apparently.

Dinner was a quiet affair, some small talk but Joker's thoughts wandered every time she licked her lips or their legs touched. They were finished dinner when the sounds of a band filtered through from the main bar, Shepard grabbed Joker's hand and pulled him towards the music. They entered the room to find it more crowded than before and Joker balked at the thought of fighting their way through the mass. He was looking for options when movement and sound made them both turn.

'Shepard!' Jack was standing on a seat waving at them.

_Damn!_ Joker went to pull his hand from Shepard's but she refused to let go. She glanced at him with smile and he shrugged. Slowly they worked their way around the crowd, eventually ending up at a booth to find Jack, Kasumi, Jacob, Daniels and Donnelly enjoying drinks, the music and each others company. Shepard slid into the seat pulling him along with her, ignoring the raised eyebrows at the sight of their clasped hands. Joker was about to suggest he get them drinks but the thought of working his way through the crowd must have shown.

'Stay there, flyboy,' Jack shook her head. 'I'll get drinks.' She was chuckling as she headed for the bar.

'See, she's not all bad,' Shepard leaned in and her breath against his ear made him suck in a breath.

'No, just a half-naked, biotic powerhouse who could crush me with a wave of her hand,' he chuckled, hoping he covered the hitch in his breathing.

Jack was no sooner back than she was dragging the girls up on to the dance floor. Joker watched in amusement as Shepard wriggled around to the music, he wouldn't call it dancing and he heard Jacob chuckle beside him.

'She really can't dance, can she?'

'No,' Joker shook his head and laughed. 'With her grace on the battlefield you'd expect her to be better at it.

'So, you and the Commander?' Donnelly wiggled his eyebrows and Joker groaned silently, no chance of hiding it now.

'Yeah, guess so,' he shrugged and both men laughed.

'Good on ya, man,' Donnelly grinned, 'she deserves some happiness.'

Joker was surprised at the sentiment in Donnelly's words but he was right, she did deserve some happiness, he hoped he could give it to her. He noticed Sinclair and his crew watching the women, drinking, commenting and laughing, more than once looking in his direction. It didn't surprise him in the least when they joined the women on the dance floor, working their way closer, trying to insinuate themselves among the four of them. Jack was happy to dance with them but he could see Shepard wasn't and neither were Daniels or Kasumi. The more the men tried to intrude the more uncomfortable the women became. The music changed to something slower and before the three women could leave the dance floor one of the men tried to grab Daniels and pull her close.

Donnelly leapt to his feet and would have rushed forward but Jacob stopped him, 'I think we need to cut in, gently.' He glanced at Joker who was watching Sinclair as he tried to get Shepard to dance with him. 'Joker, it's a slow dance, can you manage it?' They all knew Shepard could handle the situation but they had her back without hesitation, besides, it was the manly thing to do.

'Yeah,' Joker stood up, his fears pushed aside as he walked towards Shepard. He stepped between her and Sinclair, 'I believe this is my dance,' he felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder and she smiled at him with wide eyes. He pulled her in close and they began a slow shuffle, moving together as one to the beat. Slow dancing was something he done before but mostly with his mum or sister. He'd never risked it in public, too afraid of tripping and falling, but he wouldn't miss this even if it meant he broke every bone in his body. The feel of her body against his, her head nestled on his shoulder and her arms around him made his caution and fear disappear.

'I was having this dance,' Sinclair growled and spun Joker around angrily.

Joker used Sinclair's pull against him, taking advantage of the inertia to bring his fist up into Sinclair's face. All the pain and self-doubt he'd suffered at the hands of Sinclair and his cronies went into that punch, it was hard enough to break his nose. The pain in his hand was worth the look of utter shock on the other man's face as he felt Shepard pull him back and examine his fingers. He knew he'd dislocated at least one finger but damn it felt good.

Joker heard scuffles around him and suddenly a barrier went up. The sound of cocking guns made him turn. The crew from the merchant ship had drawn weapons so Jacob had thrown up a barrier around the Normandy crew. Shepard looked from his hand to his eyes and he nodded as she brought his hand up to his chest, resting it gently against him before turning to face the angry sailors outside the barrier.

'What the hell is going on?' A rough, loud voice spoke from behind the bar and a tall, well-built man who looked ex-military walked towards them.

'He broke my nose!' Sinclair whined through the blood pouring down his face but the man, who was obviously the establishment owner, simply glared at him.

'About time someone did,' the man turned to the rest of the merchant crew. 'Get yourselves and your guns out of my bar. I'm fed up with you annoying my customers. Don't come back.'

For a moment it looked as if they were about to argue with him but thought better and slowly left the building. Jacob let his barrier drop and Shepard turned to face the barkeeper.

'Sorry, didn't mean to cause you problems.'

'You didn't,' he scowled at the retreating backs of the merchant crew. 'Every time they come in here someone ends up bloody. I'm glad this time it was one of them, besides,' he turned to Shepard and smiled, 'I'd rather have Commander Shepard and her crew in here any day.'

'Thanks,' Shepard chuckled. 'We'll try to avoid trouble.'

With a nod he walked away and Shepard led Joker back to their table as the band started up again. Once he was seated she took his hand in hers and gently wrapped her fingers around the dislocated finger. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with pride but also a touch of sadness and he could only assume it was because she was about to cause him more pain. He nodded and sucked in a breath as he felt her pull his finger back into place. He hissed through the pain as she pulled the second finger into place.

'Fuck!' Jack stood watching, her eyes wide. 'You're braver than I thought.'

'Thanks, gimme a minute and you can take me on?' Joker grunted and flexed his fingers cautiously as Shepard released her hold.

'Not likely, Shepard would kill me for breaking you,' Jack snorted.

'Nice to know you care,' Joker chuckled, the pain in his hand lessening but he knew he was going to be sore for a couple of days. At least it wasn't his dominant hand.

'You didn't have to do that,' Shepard pulled his face around so he was looking at her, 'but thank you.'

'Hey, he was manhandling my girl, had to protect you.'

'So, I'm your girl now?'

'Yep, my babe,' Joker grinned and Shepard laughed before kissing him.

'For fucks sake, get a room,' Jack groaned.

'We have one,' Shepard chuckled. 'Ready to leave?'

'Oh yeah,' Joker's grin couldn't get any wider as he stood up and offered Shepard his hand.

'Jack, Kasumi, be ready to go after our Justicar first thing. We're leaving as soon as she's aboard.' Shepard took the offered hand then slid her arm around his waist. 'Have fun and don't get into too much trouble, please.'

Joker felt like he was floating as they climbed into a sky cab. He was finding it hard to believe that tonight had happened. He'd had dinner and danced with the woman of his dreams, punched a man he always hated and now he was heading back to Shepard's room with her. He pinched himself on the leg. _Yep, I'm awake_. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face and when he glanced at Shepard she was grinning too. _This night just keeps getting better_. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she snuggled into him. _Yep, better and better._


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: WARNING! Adult stuff following - read at your own peril, discretion or pleasure.**

**Seriously though. This chapter is all about what happens between two consenting adults when they love each other. If you are uncomfortable reading this kind of stuff please skip this chapter. I promise you can continue reading although events in this chapter will be referred to in future ones.**

**I hope you enjoy, I like to think it's tasteful and it's their fault this is a bit longer. ;-)**

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Joker couldn't keep the smirk off his face. He was like a kid in a candy store, everything he'd ever wanted was right before him and he had no idea where to start. He hated to admit that he was nervous. He could count his sexual encounters on both hands and watching on the extranet didn't mean anything, although he'd picked up plenty of pointers. The one serious relationship he'd had was more emotional than physical, even though he'd wanted it to be more the woman he thought loved him was hesitant. He realised later she'd pitied him and he'd avoided women for a long time.

They'd entered the elevator along with several others so he had tucked himself in the back corner and leaned against the wall. Shepard had done the same in the opposite corner and their eyes had never left each other. The anticipation was killing him and from the half smile on Shepard's lips she was just as eager as he was. He felt the uncomfortable glances from the others who shared their space but he didn't care.

He slowly allowed his eyes to roam, working their way from her eyes to her lips, her neck, her breasts. He followed the curve of her hip to her thighs, lingering where her legs met. His body responded and his jeans tightened around him. The curve of her breasts called out for his hands and he imagined his mouth around the nipple that poked through her shirt. His jeans were quickly becoming uncomfortable. As if reading his mind she opened her jacket further, exposing both pert nipples and he almost groaned aloud. She deliberately licked her lips leaving them moist and shiny. Joker's breath hitched and a woman at the front of the elevator turned to look at him. He ignored her.

Shepard's half smile turned up a little further as she raised her hand to her mouth and ran her finger across her lips. The man standing closest to Shepard cleared his throat and shuffled his feet but she ignored him. Her smile turned into a grin as she slipped her finger into her mouth and back out. It was all Joker could do to stay standing, he dropped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, trying to regain some kind of control over the sensations he was feeling. There was no room left in his jeans and it was getting painful. He looked over at Shepard and found her eyes exploring him. The smirk on his face turned into a grin when she dropped her gaze to his groin and her eyes widened. The elevator stopped and all bar one person got off. They didn't notice. Shepard smiled and licked her lips again, Joker didn't think he could get any harder but his body proved him wrong. He almost moaned and his breathing became more rapid, his heart was racing. _Shit! Think of something else!_

* * *

Shepard watched as Joker's eyes roamed and she couldn't believe the thrill it gave her. It made it even more interesting because they weren't the only ones in the elevator. The idea of arousing him without touching was something she would never have thought of, but the moment his beautiful green eyes started drinking her in her body responded in ways she'd never felt before.

She was nervous, she hadn't been with a man for a long time and there hadn't been many at all, but damn she wanted this. It felt right, the feelings that were starting to overwhelm her made her realise that this was meant to be. It wasn't just a physical thing, she felt connected to Joker, as if he belonged beside her. There was also the fact that she was his CO, although he wasn't looking at her as if she was and she decided it didn't matter.

As their eyes met she understood that this wasn't just physical for him either, as much as he liked to make people believe he was a perv who lusted after women she knew better. It was obvious in the way he was looking at her. She'd felt it when he'd danced with her, when he'd kissed her. _God, it was hot in here!_ His eyes drifted lower and her heart skipped as he unconsciously licked his lips. His fingers curled and she saw his breath quicken, his muscular chest rising and falling and she so desperately wanted to run her hands over him.

The idea of arousing him quickened her pulse and as his eyes began their upward journey she opened her jacket, knowing her nipples were already hard. She wanted his mouth on them, wanted his tongue teasing her, the thought aroused her even more and she felt heat building between her legs. She'd never teased anyone before but she did now, Joker brought out the urge to have fun, to play a little. His breath hitched as she ran her tongue around the tip of her finger. She heard someone clear their throat and shuffle but she didn't care. Sliding her finger into her mouth excited her as much as him and she grinned as he dropped his head back and closed his eyes.

_God he's gorgeous!_ She'd thought that the moment he walked into the bar, the confidence in his walk and the tenderness in his touch had made her want him more. Now he was here. Her eyes moved lower, she saw the evidence of what she was doing to him and it thrilled her. The elevator stopped but she didn't notice who got off. The tightness of Joker's jeans left little to the imagination and the thought of him inside her almost made her moan aloud. She looked up to see a grin on his face and she licked her lips, knowing they weren't the only part of her that was wet, watching as his breathing quickened further, feeling the same response in herself. _Shit, calm down girl!_

The elevator stopped and she realised it was their floor. She curled herself off the wall slowly, purposely brushing her hand across her breast as she turned forward and she heard him whimper softly. She couldn't stop the smile that that broke out. Apparently neither could he and as they stepped from the elevator they were both grinning like madmen. There was a relieved sigh behind them but she ignored it. They still didn't touch but they were close enough to feel the heat from each other. Finally they reached her door and she almost dropped the key in her haste to get inside. She felt Joker's breath on her neck, felt his hand on her arm, his erection against her backside and she eagerly pushed the door open.

* * *

Joker watched her lick her lips and swallowed hard as they parted invitingly. Her sensuous curl from the wall and the way her hand brushed her breast was almost enough to send him over the edge and he cursed himself silently. Her knowing smile was contagious and he responded with a smile of his own. Not touching her was driving him nuts but the longing was like nothing he'd ever felt before and he cherished it, reveled in it. By the time they reached her door he was finding it hard to ignore the want, the need to hold her. He stood so close his breath caught her hair, he slid his hand down her arm and felt her shiver, her breath hitched as he pushed himself against her and she whimpered as the door finally opened.

The door was no sooner shut than he pinned her against the wall, his hands holding her face as he hungrily sought her lips. Every ounce of his passion, want, need and love went into that kiss and she moaned as her lips parted and his tongue found hers. The heat of her hands on his back, the feel of her breasts against his chest and the touch of his erection against her made him groan. _Fuck, he wanted her so badly! _ His hands moved down her arms, coming to rest on her hips and he pulled her closer so he could cup her backside. She pushed his jacket off and he released his hold to let it fall to the floor.

He quickly slid his arm around her and brought his other hand up, gently brushing his fingers across her breast as he trailed kisses down her neck. Her moans urged him on and he slid her jacket off and found his way under her t-shirt. The feel of her skin was almost his undoing.

'Ari,' he moaned into her neck. 'I want you so much.'

'I want you too, Jeff,' she cupped his face and lifted his head so she could look in his eyes. 'I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.' She kissed him slowly, sensually and he lost himself in the softness of her lips, in the taste of her.

As much as he enjoyed holding her against the wall he knew he couldn't stay there for much longer so he moved to lead her to the sofa. She hesitated, reached across the wall and he heard the privacy shutters close. With a half-smile she reached up and pulled him in for a kiss before letting him lead her across the room. He sat and she gently straddled his hips, her hands resting on his chest, his erection rubbing against the heat between her legs. He ached to feel her naked breasts against him so he lifted her shirt over her head. He kissed his way down her neck and she arched her back as he kissed her through her bra. She gasped as he caressed one nipple and nipped and sucked the other. He unclipped her bra and slid it down her arms, mesmerised by the revelation of her pink, erect nipples and the fullness of her breasts. He cupped them gently, ran his thumbs across the nipples and felt her breath catch.

He looked up and met her questioning eyes, 'Ari, you are so beautiful,' his hand slid to the back of her neck and pulled her down for a kiss, his lips and tongue eager to show her how much he wanted her.

Her hands pulled at his shirt and he sat forward so she could pull it over his head. He felt her soft kisses on his neck and as she leaned in her breasts rested against his chest. He pulled her in tight and found her lips, felt her bare skin and he forced himself to keep breathing. He trailed kisses down her neck, finally taking a nipple in his mouth. She shivered and her hand slid to the back of his neck, urging him on and he was happy to oblige. Her moans and whimpers made him giddy with delight, her enjoyment only made him want her more. He needed to be naked, to lie against her, to be inside her. A groan escaped at the thought and she lifted his head kissed him and stood up.

* * *

Shepard surrendered to him as he held her against the wall, his lips on hers. She'd never given in like this before and that excited her as much as Joker's kisses. The feel of his beard brushing across her skin highlighted the softness of his lips and the want and passion overwhelmed her. _Oh god, more, please more!_ His need was obvious, she felt it as he pushed against her. She needed to feel him, needed her hands on his skin. His hands slipped to her backside and her hands fumbled as she slid his jacket off. She had never felt as alive as she did right then. He kissed her neck and a moan escaped as he brushed across her nipple. She was on fire beneath his hands as they touched her bare skin and the sound of his voice, the need in him, only made her want him more.

She felt him urge her towards the sofa but she looked over his shoulder and felt a moment of panic at the starlit night outside. She hesitated to reach out and shut the privacy screens, she kissed him to cover her sudden fear then followed him willingly. She straddled his hips, making sure to keep her weight on her knees but the feel of his erection against the heat between her legs was almost enough to send her over the edge. She sucked in a breath as he pulled her shirt over her head and the wet warmth of his mouth through her bra made her arch into him. As he removed her bra she felt a moment of self-doubt and it must have shown in her eyes. _Beautiful, he thinks I'm beautiful._

The thought of her hands on his bare skin made her shiver and she pulled his shirt off. The kisses she placed on his neck made him tremble and the feel of her breasts against his chest was unlike anything she'd ever felt before, every part of her tingled. His kiss was hungry and she heard him gasp as he sucked on her nipple, she couldn't get enough, her fingers carded his hair as she encouraged him. She needed to be naked, to see him naked, to feel him inside her. She stood up and slowly, teasingly slid her trousers down, stepping out of them, aware of the longing in his eyes, of her own need. She hooked her fingers into the lace of her underwear and went to roll them down but his hands gripped hers and moved them away.

* * *

Joker couldn't take his eyes of her, she was perfect, every part of her. Yes she had scars, but she was a warrior, his warrior, and yet she was so soft, so tender. She slowly rolled her trousers down revealing her black lace underwear. She went to roll them down but he gripped her hands, she smiled as he pulled himself forward and placed soft kisses on her stomach, moving slowly down and hooking his fingers inside her panties. He heard her gasp as he kissed the line of lace, gradually pulling them down as his lips followed. He slid from the sofa and onto his knees, his tongue leaving a wet line down her thighs as her underwear reached the floor. He ran his hands up her legs and around to her backside, pulling her closer so he could kiss the curve of her hip, following an imaginary line, finally reaching the soft hair at the apex of her legs. His hand ran down the back of her thigh, urging her to rest her leg on his shoulder, her foot rested on the edge of the sofa as his tongue explored her wet folds, finding the small bundle of nerves that made her quiver and moan in ecstasy. _Fuck, she's wet, she delicious._ His fingers gently slid across and slipped inside her, first one then two as she bucked in response. She gripped his head as he sucked and licked while his fingers moved inside her.

'Oh, god, Jeff,' she moaned and he groaned at the huskiness in her voice. 'Oh fuck,' she stammered as her hips bucked and her fingers gripped his shoulders. 'Jeff!'

He felt her quivering and shaking as she tightened against his fingers, his tongue and lips relishing the taste. He loved every second of her orgasm, loved the fact that he had brought her to release but it only wet his appetite for more. As if reading his mind she pulled his head up and kissed him deeply, her tongue delving into his mouth. She urged him to his feet, her hands quickly dropping to his trousers and pushing them down. His erection tented his boxers which she quickly relieved him off and he almost lost it as her fingers touched him.

'Fuck,' he moaned into her neck as she gently circled him, slowly moving up and down. 'Ari,' he pulled her in and kissed her as her thumb circled his tip and he gave a growl of pleasure.

She urged him to sit and he watched in disbelief as she smiled and kissed her way down his chest, his stomach, his thighs. He gasped and gripped the sofa as she kissed along his shaft, running her tongue around the tip before taking him into her mouth. _Oh fuck! Fuck! Oh, please yes!_ He'd never had a woman take him like that before. Sex had always been a hurried thing, just wanting to get it over with so they didn't hurt him, but this was more than just sex, this was pure bliss. Watching her lips close around him, the warmth of her mouth and the magic of her tongue was driving him to the edge. He tried to think of other things but that was impossible. Her eyes met his as she slid her hand around and gripped his ass, her lips sliding up, almost releasing him before sliding back down. He clutched her head as she increased her speed, his thrusts instinctive and the tension unbearable. _Shit, too close!_

'Ari,' he groaned, and held her still. 'I want to be inside you,' he watched her smile as she gave him a last kiss and crawled up his body.

He wrapped her in his arms loving the feel of her against him, the feel of her bare skin, her lips on his, her hands on him. She felt perfect, she fit in his arms like she was meant to be there. Their bodies instinctively moulded together as she straddled him. He met her eyes and the longing, the need, the passion matched his own, and as she slid over him he saw the delight and pleasure he felt mirrored in her eyes.

'Shit,' he gripped her hips as she sheathed him completely, his eyes never leaving hers.

'God, you feel so good,' she moaned, meeting his gaze.

Slowly they moved, she lifted herself until he was just inside then slid down to meet his thrust. Never had he felt so complete, so alive. He closed his eyes as sensations and emotions he'd never experienced washed over him. From her moans and increasing movements he gathered she was enjoying this as much as he was. Even in the throes of passion she was careful not to put her weight in the wrong place and he adored her for that. He loved the unbridled emotion on her face, the way she bit her bottom lip, the sound of her moans as she gradually lost control.

It was more than he had ever imagined, more than he'd ever hoped for, expected. His fingers dug into her backside as she let out a soft scream and tightened around him and he lost all self-control. He released into her with a strangled yell, burying his face in her breasts, holding her tight.

'Holy shit!' he gasped as they held each other.

'Yeah,' she laughed softly as her breathing slowed.

Gently she pulled him sideways onto the sofa and they lay wrapped in each others arms. He lightly kneaded her breast with his fingers and she giggled.

'My own personal stress ball,' he chuckled and she hit him playfully around the head.


	15. Chapter 15

_You're the reason why  
I lost this heart of mine  
At the very moment you arrived  
I can't believe this life was ever lonely  
No I can't imagine life before you  
You're the reason why  
I'm holding on so tight  
I never want to let this feeling go  
You're the reason why  
My love will never die  
My heart just could not sing if not for you  
What did I do  
Before the day I set my eyes on you_

_**The Reason Why**_

_**John Farnham**_

* * *

Joker sat in his leather seat, absently listening to the feed from Shepard's suit, a grin ghosting his face that he couldn't seem to get rid of. The last twenty-four hours were the best moments of his life and he pinched himself more than once to make sure he was awake. He'd woken up to find Shepard curled up against him, her fingers making patterns on his abdomen, her lips lightly kissing his chest. He instantly responded to her touch and they'd made love slowly and tenderly, still discovering each other but knowing instinctively what the other liked or needed.

Three times they'd woken up during the night and satisfied each other, each time more intense, more familiar. It had gone beyond just the physical act of sex, it had been beautiful and emotional for both of them, to the point of having tears in their eyes. The two years he'd grieved, blamed himself, suffered the loss of a love he'd never admitted became just a memory. Something he could now move on from. It was just a beginning and he wanted nothing more than to be with Shepard for the rest of his life. His one hope was that she felt the same.

He'd been in one serious relationship before, he thought it had been something special, that there was love. It had almost broken him when he realised it had been pity. The thought had never occurred to him that her hesitation about being physical had been because of him, because she considered him fragile, unable to be physically intimate. He had been eager and willing to satisfy her needs but she had balked at anything more than the quickest way to reach release, there had been very little discovery or foreplay. He'd accepted it because she'd told him she was virgin, not that he'd had many sexual encounters but he'd apparently had more than her. He'd just assumed she was inexperienced and nervous. Until the day she admitted that she didn't love him, that she'd felt sorry for him, she'd spent six months feeling sorry for him because she thought no-one else would want to be with him. To say he was hurt was an understatement. It had knocked his self-esteem through the floor, his self-confidence vanished and the thought that other women took pity on him was more than he could bear. He buried himself in his flying and protected himself with sarcasm and aloofness.

Shepard had broken through all that. She saw him as a man, not a cripple or a weakling but someone who was her equal, someone who deserved respect. Yeah, she was aware of his limitations but she cared enough to see past them, to let him be the judge of his ability. She valued his opinions and admired his skill, it was obvious in the way she spoke to him, the way she treated him. It was this and so much more that made him fall in love with her. _Not to mention the fact that she's beautiful, sexy and smart._ His life had been empty before Shepard, he knew something had been missing and now that he'd found it he couldn't let it go. She was the reason he felt alive, for the constant grin on his face, for the belief that there was a brighter future ahead.

'Fuck, someone take that thing down!'

Jack's curse dragged him back to the present and he looked up to see a gunship firing on Shepard and her team. As much as he knew Shepard had taken them down before it was still nerve wracking to watch as she had to dive for cover, avoid the gunship and the mechs it dropped. He unconsciously gripped his chair as a Fenris mech cornered her and her shields dropped. He chuckled as she kicked the thing in the face and jumped on its back before pulverising it with her shotgun. She uttered a string of curses that would have made a Krogan proud and Joker laughed. His laughter soon changed to panic as the gunship peppered her with shots that knocked her against the wall.

'Shit, Shepard, stop stuffing around and shoot the fucking thing.' Jack yelled as she fired off a round.

'What am I, your guardian angel? Shoot the damn thing yourself,' she yelled back as she got to her feet and Joker released the breath he'd been holding with a chuckle. 'Guess I have to do everything,' she muttered as she reached for the big guns.

Joker was relieved when they finally took the gunship down and continued through the base, laughing at the Volus Biotic God that Shepard pushed over. She certainly had her own way of doing things. The thought that she was now his gave him butterflies. The thought he might lose her again would give him nightmares. He remembered their conversation over breakfast.

'_Jeff, I need to know this isn't going to change things.' Shepard looked at him over her coffee cup, 'I need to know that if I tell you to leave you'll do it.'_

_He thought long and hard about the answer and she was frowning when he finally spoke. 'Shepard, you are my Commander, I will follow your orders as long as,' she went to interrupt but he stopped her, 'as long as there are no other options.' He took her hand, not meeting her eyes, 'Ari, nothing's changed except us. I know you're a soldier on a mission and I have a responsibility to the crew. It will kill me if I have to leave you, it almost did last time, but I'm not going to risk everyone's lives.' He looked up to see tears in her eyes, 'I can't guarantee anything past that.'_

_He stood up and pulled her towards him, wiping away her tears, 'I'm going to do everything I can to avoid that,' he brushed her hair from her face, 'don't expect anything less. Besides, how many times have I pulled your ass out of volcanoes or bad situations, I'm not going to stop now.'_

'_Thank you,' she said softly, running her fingers along his jawline, 'we need to stay professional, do our job but I want this to work, I want you as more than my pilot.' She pulled him in closer and he felt his body responding, 'I need you to be more than my pilot.' She kissed him lightly but he pulled her in tight and tried to stop his fears from showing as he buried his hand in her hair and crushed his lips against hers._

'Mr Moreau, you seem distracted.'

'I'm fine,' he pulled himself up in his seat. 'What do you want, EDI?'

'I have been monitoring your bio readings and I have noticed a change, I have also noticed the same change in Shepard's readings. My readings indicate that you have been physically intimate.'

Joker gaped at the blue orb, 'EDI, that's none of your business. We humans take it very personally when our privacy is breached.' _Hurry up Mordin and do whatever it is you're doing._

'It is part of my job to monitor the health readings of Commander Shepard and yourself.'

'Do you monitor the whole crew?'

'No, just the Commander, yourself and Dr Chakwas. This mission cannot be completed without Commander Shepard and she will fail without people she trusts at her side.'

'So how come you don't monitor Garrus, he's been at her side as long as we have?

'Garrus was not involved with Project Lazarus and Commander Shepard does not have the same emotional attachment, she respects him, likes him but she considers you and Dr Chakwas family, she does not love him.'

'How do you know?' Joker fought the racing of his heart at the thought that Shepard loved him.

'Her behavioural patterns indicate a deep affection for you, this would indicate love.' She paused as if in thought. 'I do not believe it is a wise idea to form an emotional attachment to Commander Shepard. There is a high possibility she will not survive this mission.'

'Thing about us humans is that we always do better when the odds are against us,' Joker had felt a cold shiver down his spine at EDI's words but pushed it aside.

'It is also not advisable to enter into a relationship with your commanding officer, this can jeopardise the mission.'

Joker's reply was halted by the sound of the airlock opening and he spun to see Jack, Kasumi and an Asari in what had to be the sexiest armour he'd ever seen, after Miranda's catsuit, in fact it probably beat Miranda's outfit for eye catching. He watched her walk towards the CIC and wondered how every other male on the ship was going to react. He pulled his eyes back to find Shepard staring at him with raised eyebrows.

'Commander,' he grinned and she shook her head. 'Found another odd character for your collection, are you buying them all at the same store or something?'

'Yeah, they're having a sale and they take trades,' she matched his grin.

'Wouldn't get much for me as a trade, break too easily.'

'Oh, I don't know about that,' she looked him up and down hungrily and his body responded the only way it knew how. 'Tell the crew to be back on board within the hour or get left behind.'

'Hey Commander, I need to talk to you about something,' Joker sent out the crew recall and moved to walk Shepard to the elevator.

'What is it Joker?'

'There is something I need to show you,' he followed her into the elevator and pushed level one.

'Maybe we should go to the mess,' she tried to reach around him but he stopped her.

'Ari, do you trust me?' He cupped her face and his green eyes met hers under the brim of his cap.

'With my life,' she replied without hesitation.

'Then trust me now,' he took her hand and led her into the hall outside her quarters.

He felt her tense, her fingers gripping his, almost cutting off his circulation. He could see the fear in her eyes and he hated putting her through that but he knew the results would be worth it.

'Relax, Ari,' he opened the door and led her slowly inside.

* * *

Shepard balked inside the door to her quarters. This was one place on the ship she avoided and even though they were docked it was getting dark outside and the thought of having open space above her sent her into a panic. She wanted to turn and run, knowing what she would see when she looked up and she was disgusted with herself. Never in her life had anything made her feel so out of control. She tried to pull her fingers from Joker's hand but he held tight and she didn't want to hurt him.

The minute she'd walked back on to the Normandy and seen him she had felt happy, relieved and relaxed. She'd always felt like she was coming home on the SR-1 and she realised now that a big part of that had been because of Joker. The doubt that things would change now that they had ventured into a relationship quickly vanished as they fell back into their roles as Pilot and Commander. Right now though she could kill him.

He turned to face her, a smile on his face and tenderness in his eyes. She loved those eyes and she focused on them so she didn't have to look anywhere else. He knew she was afraid, she could tell from the way he gently brushed her face, and kissed her lightly. His arm wrapped around her waist, he held her tight, grounding her against him, and she wanted to tell him how much that meant to her but her throat had gone dry and her voice wouldn't work.

'Look, Ari,' he motioned up and she swallowed hard.

Taking a deep breath she raised her eyes and her mouth opened in surprise. The skylight was covered. She looked from Joker to the ceiling, slowly walking forward. The relief on her face must have been obvious because he chuckled as he released her fingers. That's when it hit her. He had done this for her, he had realised her fear. She knew she loved him before but her heart almost burst at the thought of how much he must care for her to have fixed this. He had recognised what she needed and solved the problem, more than once. He had organised for her to have time alone, to have some space from everything that had been forced on her, to have a small piece of normal to come to terms with everything. He had held her through her fears, allowed her to cry, to adjust, to be human, a woman and not just Commander Shepard.

The thought overwhelmed her and she dropped to her knees by the bed. Tears rolled down her cheeks. No-one had ever cared enough to worry about her needs and it shocked her. She'd always been the strong one, been there for others, made sure everyone was safe. How did you thank someone for caring? Before she could say anything Joker was beside her, his arms around her and she wished she had taken off her armour. He was holding her, wiping away her tears, kissing her lightly. She met his eyes and the love she saw took her breath away.

'Thank you,' she whispered through her tears.

'Anything for you,' he removed his cap and rested his forehead against hers.

'Why? How did you know?'

'Well, sleeping in the Starboard lounge was a good clue, sleeping on the bridge was another.' He grinned as she smirked at him. 'You looked like a zombie for a while there, black eyes, pale skin, thought I might have to shoot you. You have perfectly good quarters and I wanted to know why you weren't using them.' She sighed as he brushed the hair from her face. 'I have to thank you though,' he laughed at her raised eyebrows, 'I got to yell at Miranda.'

'Really,' she laughed. 'I'm sure she loved that.'

'I did,' he grinned and kissed her forehead before putting his cap back on. 'You should take a shower and tell me where to go.'

'I don't want you to go anywhere,' she moaned as he helped her to get up, trying to ignore the roll of his eyes and the grin on his face. It was then she noticed the fish. 'I have fish? You know I'll probably kill them.'

'Probably, but there's a VI to look after them just in case.' She slapped him playfully, 'hey, fragile remember.'

'I don't remember you being so fragile last night,' her voice was soft and husky as she whispered against his neck and he shivered.

'I need to get back to the bridge, ship to fly and stuff,' he sighed, reluctant to let her go.

'I know,' she dropped her head to his chest, 'I need to see Liara first but I need the ship and crew ready to leave.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he gave her flick of a salute before leaning in and kissing her tenderly. With a smile he was gone and she missed him.

Shepard stood and watched the fish swim around her aquarium. They were beautifully coloured and she found herself relaxing as they moved gracefully through the water. She glanced up at the newly covered skylight and wondered what she'd done to deserve someone like Joker. Her room was usable, she would have her privacy to a point and she made a mental note to get Mordin to scan for bugs. As she turned to leave, she noticed a photo frame on her desk and she smiled at the picture of the SR-1 crew crowding together for a photo after Sovereign had been defeated. They had been her family and although many of them were no longer alive, she still felt their presence and she promised them all that their deaths would not be in vain. She took a closer look at the picture, picking out faces and she noticed that Joker wasn't looking at the camera he was looking at her. It wasn't a look of awe or admiration, it was love pure and simple.

The breath stopped in her throat as she realised how long he'd had feelings for her, knowing how long she had felt same. They had wasted so much time. No more. Time was something they couldn't spare, something she didn't want to waste any longer. If she was going to die, again, she would die knowing she'd made the most of every moment, sharing precious time with the man she loved. She smiled at how easily she'd accepted that, it felt right and now that she had it she had no intention of letting it go. With a last glance at the photo she headed for the elevator.

* * *

Joker settled himself in his seat, rather pleased with himself that he had been able to do something for Shepard. From her reaction he guessed that she didn't have people who cared about her enough to help her without something in return. He could do that. The only thing he wanted in return was her, to be with her, to be able to care for her, be there when she needed a shoulder.

'You know, for someone who likes to make people think you don't care you certainly do a good job of caring,' Garrus came to stand behind him, armoured and ready to go.

'Don't know what you mean,' Joker smirked as he carried out pre-flight checks.

'Of course you don't,' Garrus chuckled. 'Well done anyway.'

'You heading out?' Joker spun to face him.

'Yeah, apparently Shepard has some intel for Liara.' Garrus gave the equivalent of a smile, 'It's good to see Shepard a little more relaxed, but I'm sure you had nothing to do with that.'

'Helping out where I can,' Joker tried to be serious but failed and his grin was back. 'It's a tough job, but someone's has to do it.'

'Right, I'm sure you hate every moment.' Garrus laughed. 'I'm happy for both of you, but remember what I said.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Joker chuckled, 'don't worry, Garrus, I have no intention of breaking her heart. I only want to see her happy, alive too, naked is good…'

'Alright, enough, I don't need to have that image in my head.'

'What image would that be?' Shepard walked up behind him.

'I'm talking to Joker, that should give you some idea,' Garrus shook his head.

'I can guess,' she smirked and met Joker's eyes. 'Let's go and get this over with.' With a smile aimed at him she turned and left.

Joker grinned and turned back to watch the feed from her suit. _Oh yeah, naked is very good, or a bikini, or sexy lingerie, or…._.


	16. Chapter 16

_Shit! Shit! Shit!_ Joker jumped as the building exploded. He saw debris flying, people screaming and flames.

'_They're coming around for another attack!'_

'_Joker, we have to go, now!'_

_He felt Shepard grab his arm but he ignored the pain. The Normandy was dying around them. Another explosion rocked the ship and they stumbled. Shepard quickly regained her feet and pushed him into the escape pod. The ship rocked again and Shepard was thrown backwards, away from him. He watched, terrified as she bounced against the bulkhead, grabbing for a last handhold before flying out into the void._

_Joker realised what she was about to do and he screamed but she did it anyway. Her gaze never left him as the door between them closed and sealed. Then she was gone._

'Joker?' A voiced called to him but he was lost in grief and memory. 'Joker!'

Kasumi spun his seat, crouched and gripped his hands. She glanced up at the destruction on the screen and her heart went out to this man who had become her friend. Memories could be a curse, she knew that, painful and unforgiving.

'Joker,' she brushed the side of his face and he sucked in a breath, becoming aware of his surroundings. She reached around him and muted the sound from the feed as his eyes cleared and he glanced around.

'Fuck,' he whispered and wiped his face, his hands obviously shaking and his breath ragged.

'It's okay,' Kasumi looked up under the brim of his cap. 'She's alive.'

'I thought I was over it,' he sighed and dropped his head against the headrest, his eyes moist, his skin pallid and sweaty.

'It's funny how the mind works,' she dropped to her knees and took his hand, 'believe me, I know. It hits you when you least expect it.'

'I just thought that now she's here and we're, well you know…' he closed his eyes and thought about holding Shepard, kissing her, loving her and he slowly recovered some sense of normality.

'Why don't you go get some coffee or something, go for a walk,' Kasumi urged him out of his chair.

'I should stay here, in case ….'

'Joker, we're not going anywhere just yet.' She glanced up at the screen to see Shepard under fire. 'I think Shepard's going to be a while, besides, EDI can monitor and let you know if there's anything you can do.'

'Miss Goto is correct, Mr Moreau,' EDI's blue orb popped up alongside them. 'Perhaps you should go and see Dr Chakwas.'

'Okay,' Joker hated leaving while Shepard was groundside but he realised Kasumi was right, he needed to move, to clear his head. 'EDI, you let me know if anything happens.'

'Of course,' the blue orb replied but the tone sounded odd.

'Let's go,' Kasumi slipped her hand into the crook of his arm and they slowly made their way to the elevator.

Joker still felt lost, as if he was trapped between worlds. He couldn't understand why he was in this predicament. He thought he'd got past the grief and terror of the Normandy going down. Why now? Everything was going so well, he'd got the girl, he'd been given a second chance. _Why now?_ He went to see the one person he knew he could talk to and trust.

'Hey Doc.'

'Jeff,' Dr Chakwas looked up from the datapad she was reading and was instantly by his side. 'What's wrong?' She ushered him to a bed and he willingly sat while she ran her omnitool over him.

'I was kinda hoping you could tell me,' he grimaced and she looked up from her readings.

'Higher than normal adrenaline levels, blood pressure's up,' she frowned as she met his eyes. 'What happened?'

'I was watching Shepard's feed, there an explosion and stuff and I lost it,' he squeezed his eyes closed to try and stop the tears that formed. 'I thought I was over all this,' he scrubbed his face with his hands as if he could wipe away what he was feeling.

'Jeff, we've talked about this before,' she took his hand, 'you will never completely be over it. You went through a traumatic experience and it will haunt you for a long time. Certain things will trigger a memory, in this case the explosion and the related destruction. It's perfectly normal.'

'But what happens if I'm flying, if I lose it at a critical moment?' He slid off the bed and paced angrily. 'I can't take that chance.'

'What were you doing at the time?' Chakwas watched him pace and as much as she wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be all right, she knew that wasn't what he needed.

'I was watching the feed from Shepard's suit, as I always do.' He gave her a puzzled frown.

'And where is the ship currently?'

'We're docked, you know that Doc, what are you getting at?'

'You had nothing to keep your mind occupied, you weren't flying or managing messages or any of the other numerous things you do while in flight. You were in a semi relaxed state, completely focused on the feed.'

'Yeah,' he snorted, 'as relaxed as I can be while Shepard's ground-side.'

'My point is, usually you're doing something while Shepard is ground-side because normally we're not docked for several days, you haven't had time off and there is usually very little time for your mind to relax.' She watched as he thought about it. 'Jeff, trust me, normally you wouldn't have time for this to happen.'

'Shit, I hope you're right,' he sighed and leant on the bed. 'Just when I thought everything was great.'

'Is it great?' Chakwas smiled and nudged his shoulder.

'Yeah,' his grin was back and she chuckled.

'I'm happy for you Jeff, for both of you. It's about time you both had some happiness.'

'Thanks, doc,' he stood up to leave but she grabbed his hand.

'While you're here we may as well do a check-up, see how your treatments are working.' She activated privacy mode and indicated the bed.

'You're an evil woman, doc,' he groaned, slipped off his boots, shirt and trousers and pulled himself up onto the bed.

'I keep my horns well hidden,' she chuckled and pulled the overhead scanner into place.

Joker lay still while the scanner did its thing, his mind still in turmoil. While he knew the doc was probably right doubt still churned his guts and he hoped he never had to find out if she was wrong. The gentle hum of the scanner droned above him and he closed his eyes while it slowly worked its way along his body, gradually relaxing and thinking of more pleasant things.

It was sometime later when he opened his eyes to find Shepard looking down at him. There was concern in her eyes and he felt her fingers holding his tight. He sat up and realised he was only wearing his boxers and his face coloured, a quick glance assured him that privacy mode was still active and he moved so she was between his thighs.

'Hey you,' Shepard smiled and stroked the side of his face.

'Hey yourself,' he grinned and pulled her in close. 'Glad you made it back in one piece.' He pushed away thoughts of destruction and fear.

'Are you okay, Doc told me what happened?' She searched his face before meeting his eyes.

'So much for patient confidentially,' he shook his head. 'Yeah, I'm okay, especially now you're here.'

'She was only doing her job,' Shepard ran her hand down his chest and he couldn't stop his body from reacting in a way it probably shouldn't. 'Are we doing the right thing, Jeff? Can you watch me go into battle and still be able to cope?'

'Ari, it doesn't matter if we're together or not, I'm still going to worry about you going into battle, I always have. That's not going to change.' He sighed and pulled her against him. 'Doc says it only happened because I was relaxed, well sort of. We're docked and because I've already done all my pre-flight checks, there was really nothing for me to do. Normally I have things to keep me busy.' He lifted her face so he could meet her eyes. 'Besides, if you think I'm going to give you up you'd better tie me to the bed to keep me away, or you could tie me to the bed for other reasons.' He grinned as she laughed and shook her head before kissing him softly.

'All right, flyboy. You'd better get dressed and get back to work.' She pulled back reluctantly, 'We're going after the Shadow Broker.'

'Really?' Joker reached for his clothes, 'do we even know where he is?'

'Yep, apparently Cerberus knows and Liara has a friend that the Broker has prisoner. So we're going to rescue him.' She eyed him up and down as he slipped his pants back on and he chuckled.

'Like what you see?' He raised his eyebrows and she laughed.

'Most definitely,' she nodded and licked her lips and his pulse rate quickened. 'Maybe later I can see more,' she looked up at him through her thick eyelashes and his heart skipped a beat.

'I guess you'd better be good to me then,' he smirked and dragged her into his chest, capturing her lips with his.

'So you're awake,' Dr Chakwas smiled as she entered and witnessed their embrace.

'Yeah,' Joker smiled but his eyes never left Shepards. 'How am I Doc?'

'Actually doing very well.' Chakwas brought up the scans she'd taken. 'The bone weave has knitted nicely and is expanding, there is very little residual scarring on the rod implants. You've been keeping up your physio, for a change,' she smirked at him and he laughed. 'Things are better than expected, even Miranda is surprised at the results.'

'You showed Miranda my scans,' he looked at her in surprise.

'She has access to them, she was the supervising officer for the procedure.'

'So soon you'll be able to take me dancing,' Shepard grinned at him.

'I thought I already did that,' he chuckled and slipped his shirt over his head. 'I'd better get back to work before my Commander gives me latrine duty or something.'

'She must be a hard taskmaster,' Shepard rolled her eyes.

'A real fiend,' Joker frowned playfully. 'I can't wait to see what torture she comes up with next.' With a chuckle he kissed her lightly and left.

'How is he really, Doc,' Shepard watched the door close and turned to Chakwas.

'He's fine, the episode today was out of the ordinary. He used to have a lot more and a lot worse.' She glanced at the closed door before looking at Shepard. 'It was so hard for him when you died, especially after….' She stopped as if realising she'd said too much.

'What?' Shepard frowned, she knew Joker had blamed himself but she always felt there was more he hadn't told her. 'Doc, you know what's said in here stays in here. I'm his Commander so I need to know if something is going to affect the mission, or his ability to do his duty.' She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, 'I'm also his friend and now his lover, I care about him so much. I only want to help him.'

'You know he's loved you for such a long time and it nearly killed him when you died.' Chakwas sighed and sat down. 'He'll hate me for telling you this. He drunk himself into a stupor so often I was afraid he was going to kill himself from alcohol poisoning. He was a mess and he didn't want to help himself, he didn't want to live. He physically took on anyone who badmouthed you, berated you or simply misused your name so you can imagine how that turned out.'

'I didn't realise it was so bad,' Shepard's heart was aching at the thought of him being in so much pain.

'It didn't help when he had to spend the first two months in hospital because he had so many broken bones.'

'I didn't hurt him by forcing him into the pod?' She was mortified to think she was responsible for that as well.

'No,' Chakwas looked at her strangely for a moment. 'The landing was rough, multiple fractures, broke his arm and a couple of ribs before we got him out of the pod but…'

'What is it doc, what aren't you telling me?'

'It's not my place,' she gazed across the room as if debating with herself whether to continue. 'When the pod landed and you weren't in it Kaidan fell apart. Jeff was in enough of a state but Kaidan dragged him out and took to him with his fists, there was some biotics as well. Garrus and Adams had to pull him off Jeff, but the damage was done. Broke numerous bones, the worst being ribs that punctured his lung and in the situation we were in that was almost fatal. I was afraid we were going to lose him for a while.'

'Shit,' Shepard whispered, dropping against the bed as the thought of Joker almost dying churned her guts. 'I didn't realise Kaidan….' That put a completely different twist on the events on Horizon.

'He loved you Shepard, probably as much as Jeff. Grief can make a person do things they normally wouldn't. He took his out on Jeff unfortunately. Neither of them dealt with your death very well. It's a shame really because they were friends before, they should have been there to support each other.'

Shepard buried her face in her hands and realised that as much as she had to deal with dying and coming back everyone else had been in pain as well. Her death had affected so many people in different ways, the only difference was that they had longer to come to terms with it. Now they had to come to terms with her being alive again. How did the human mind deal with that? Death was supposed to be final.

'Shepard,' Chakwas had moved to stand before her and she gently pulled her hands away from her face. 'It wasn't your fault. You died, we all had to deal with that and we did in whatever way we could. Jeff and I were lucky, we knew they were trying to bring you back so we had time to adjust to that. For others it was more of a shock and it raised questions they didn't have answers for.' She pulled Shepard into a hug and felt her shaking. 'In time things will settle down and those who truly know you will be there for you. Some of us already are.'

'Thanks, doc,' Shepard pulled back, her eyes moist. 'If it wasn't for you, Jeff and Garrus I don't think I could get through this. I hate the position I'm in, I've never felt doubt and mistrust from people I care about and it hurts. I don't know how to deal with that.'

'Just remember you still have people who care about you and we're standing right beside you. Let us be there for you when you need someone, especially Jeff. He loves you, Shepard and I'm pretty sure you love him, don't waste that.'

'I guess I do,' she grinned and met the doctor's eyes. 'Don't worry, doc, I have no intention of wasting it.'

'Just don't break his heart.'

'To do that I'd have to break my own.' Shepard gave the doctor a brief hug, 'thank you for being here.'

'Anywhere else would be boring,' Chakwas chuckled as she playfully shooed Shepard out the door. 'Now get out of my medbay, someone could be genuinely ill.'


	17. Chapter 17

Joker set course for Hagalaz and they had a few hours before they hit the relay so, leaving EDI in control, he headed for the mess. He knew Shepard hadn't eaten, she'd been tucked away with Liara since leaving Illium, so he picked up two dinners, placed them on a tray and headed for the loft. It surprised him when her door didn't open and he almost stumbled.

'EDI, can you open the door please,' he eyed the ceiling.

'The Commander has asked that she not be disturbed. She and Dr T'soni are sharing a private moment.'

'Private moment?' Joker frowned. _What the hell does that mean?_ 'I'm sure if you tell her it's me she'll want you to open it.'

'I can't do that, she has asked not to be disturbed for any reason other than an emergency.'

Joker was a little confused. He knew there was nothing going on between Shepard and Liara, in fact Shepard had made it absolutely clear she wasn't that way inclined, either female or alien. She had also made sure he knew he was welcome in her quarters, that he didn't need an invitation or permission to enter. But the door was locked. He gently placed the tray on the floor and pinged Shepard's omnitool. She was definitely in her quarters. He knocked on the door and didn't have to wait long before it opened and Shepard stood before him.

'What's wrong?' She gave him a puzzled stare. 'You could have come in.'

'It was locked,' he picked up the tray and followed her back inside. 'EDI said you didn't want to be disturbed, even by me.'

'What?' Shepard glared at the spot where EDI usually appeared. 'EDI, why didn't you let Joker in?'

'You instructed that you did not want to be disturbed, that you were having a private moment with Dr T'soni. I was only following your instructions.

'That was an hour ago, Liara is gone.' She looked at Joker who shook his head and shrugged. 'EDI, Joker has unlimited access to my quarters, at any time. Is that understood?'

'Yes, Commander.'

Joker made his way down to the table and placed the tray down before turning to greet Shepard. She slid her arm around him and raised her face for a kiss which he was more than happy to give. Their embrace tightened and their kiss became more than just a light peck as they gave in to their passion.

'As much as I would like to continue this I think we should eat first,' Joker sighed as they parted and he dragged her to the sofa. 'I bet you haven't eaten.'

'No, I forgot,' she admitted softly.

'Good job you have this handsome, lovable pilot to take care of you then.'

'What would I do without him?' She chuckled as he grinned at her and pushed a meal towards her.

'Probably starve,' he laughed and was glad to see her dig in with gusto. He made the most of his own meal, thinking to himself that he was the luckiest man alive right now and hopefully going to get luckier.

'Commander, Dr Solus is requesting entry.' EDI spoiled the mood.

'Let him in,' Shepard pushed away her empty plate and watched as Mordin hurriedly entered and glanced around.

'Fish tank, waste of space, unnecessary expense, although conducive to relaxation,' he turned to Shepard. 'Need to talk, Shepard,' he activated his omnitool and scanned the room carefully. 'No vermin present, surprised.'

'Privacy mode, please, EDI,' Shepard spoke to the ceiling.

'Logging you out, Commander.'

'I'll go,' Joker made to get up but Mordin stopped him.

'No need, concerns you, asked Dr Chakwas to come as well.' The door opened as he spoke and Chakwas entered, a bottle of brandy in hand.

'Shepard, Mordin tells me we're celebrating so I brought supplies.' She held up the bottle and grinned.

'Not actually celebrating,' Mordin looked confused, 'just using excuse to cover gathering.'

'It's all right, Mordin,' Shepard laughed. 'We get it, doesn't mean we can't though.'

Mordin shook his head, humans were so difficult comprehend. 'Have solved problem with bio tracking, need to adjust omnitools.' He accepted their devices, settled himself on the sofa and proceeded to work on them.

Shepard grabbed glasses and Chakwas poured drinks as Mordin mumbled to himself. 'Let's hope this works,' she lifted her glass in a toast.

'Hey, what's this? Having a party and we didn't get invited,' Kasumi stood in the doorway with Garrus.

'Really, Shepard,' Garrus shook his head, 'I thought we were friends.' He moved to the fish tank and stared in amazement. 'Only Cerberus,' he shook his head before glancing up at the covered skylight. He caught Joker's eyes and nodded slightly.

'Glad you're here,' Mordin glanced up at Kasumi, 'you can help with coding.'

'Nice to know I'm useful,' Kasumi chuckled as she sat beside him and brought up her omnitool.

'What exactly are you doing?' Shepard watched them work, their heads almost touching as fingers worked absently on the holographic interfaces.

'Misdirection and misinformation,' Kasumi grinned, 'Mordin here would make a great thief.' Mordin looked mortified at the thought and she laughed. 'We've tapped into the ship's systems and linked your tools so that at any time we can make it appear that you are in one place when you're actually in another. It's a simple plan but effective.'

'Ship monitors created problems but some areas of the ship are clean.' Mordin indicated something to Kasumi who nodded. 'Others may malfunction.'

'So no-one will be monitoring the Commander's bio signs when she's not wearing armour?' Joker frowned. 'What happens if she gets into trouble? How will we know she needs help?'

Shepard glanced at him but he took her hand to reassure her that his concerns were only for her. He knew she didn't want to admit to a weakness but he had to be sure she would get help when or if she needed it.

'Readings still active, only turned off when necessary.' Mordin blinked at Joker as if he was stating something obvious.

'So if I'm doing something I don't want Cerberus to know about I can just switch off the readings, won't that alert them?' Shepard was puzzled.

'No, readings remain active from last known position and will use alternate nearby tool to appear to be moving.'

'That's great in theory but what if the nearest tool is male and he ends up in the men's restroom somewhere.'

'You could just be desperate,' Joker laughed and she scowled at him.

'Incorrect assumption,' Mordin shook his head. 'Block will continuously seek out nearest omnitool, will jump to tool to continue with movement.'

'So, you'll not only be entering men's restrooms but you'll be walking backwards and forwards like an idiot or going up and down in the same elevator for hours.' Joker broke out into uncontrolled laughter and Shepard whacked him playfully on the arm, not managing to hide her grin.

'We could say the Commander's finally lost her mind, just remember to drool and babble while you're at it.' Garrus joined in Joker's laughter.

'Or maybe you'll be falling down drunk somewhere, this is going to send EDI insane,' Joker was almost rolling on the sofa and his laughter was contagious. 'Hello HAL.'

'Who is HAL?' Mordin was totally baffled.

'A homicidal, insane AI from an old human movie,' Shepard informed him between chuckles, 'killed the crew on its spaceship.'

'Not intention to affect AI,' Mordin shook his head, 'would not be beneficial to the mission.'

'Seriously though,' Kasumi was trying to hide her own mirth. 'What we've done is create an unobtrusive, self-deleting virus that carries your bio readings at the time of activation and uses the location tracker to move from one tool to another, in the same direction or whatever direction is necessary to make it look authentic. It won't stay in any particular tool long enough to be detected. There's also a limit to the distance it will travel in relation to your actual position so you don't end up at opposite ends of somewhere. It's a very clever idea really.'

'What about everything else on my omnitool, can I block tracking on messages?' Shepard was serious now and Joker managed to pull himself under control.

'Yes, the way the code is written it completely blocks all Cerberus tracking, I would suggest you keep the periods of inactivity relatively short. You have to set passwords to indicate which part of the block you want to activate, location, messages or both.' Kasumi made a final adjustment and shut down her omnitool. 'We've used the same block on Jokers and Dr Chakwas's tools so their movements or activities can't be monitored either. Might be useful if you need them to do something for you or in the event you need to mask their biosigns.' She grinned at Joker who smirked.

'What happens when I turn it back on, won't it seem strange that I'm suddenly in a different place?'

'No, it's set to track back to your current position so there will be a delay between reactivation and true readings. You can see how close the signal is on your tool so you can control the speed of reactivation. Just don't walk in front of any monitors if you're on the ship.'

'I'm not worried about bio readings while on the ship, although…' she threw a quick glance at Joker who grinned, 'but having freedom of movement on say the Citadel will be very useful.' Shepard's mind was already at work on ideas.

'No evident monitors in your quarters, Shepard,' Mordin pointed out, 'assume personal terminal monitored, can provide block for that if required.'

'Thanks, Mordin, that would be useful and I'd appreciate it if you or Kasumi checked my quarters regularly for bugs.' Shepard sighed and visibly relaxed. 'Thank you both for doing this, it feels good to get one up on Cerberus. I'd like to just take the damn thing off and get a new tool but I'm sure they'd find some other way of tracking me, it's what they do and I'm not sure I'd like how they do it.'

'At least this way you have some control over what they know,' Garrus knew how frustrated Shepard was, being controlled in any way was not something she liked. 'Mordin, is there a way to send a notice to our tools so we know Shepard is off the grid, just in case.' He saw Joker's relieved nod.

'Sensible idea,' he nodded and went to work on his tool. 'Should receive ping pattern with actual location of Shepard when block is activated. Need to test but should work.'

Conversation wandered onto more pleasant things as Kasumi asked about their missions on the SR-1. Joker was surprised when Shepard leaned back against him and rested her hand on the inside of his thigh, not that he didn't like it but it made his mind think of other things and they weren't alone. He slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in closer.

Garrus ribbed Shepard about the way she drove the Mako, how many times he'd had to fix it and how she'd driven it through a mass relay. Chakwas pointed out how Shepard almost fractured her skull head butting a Krogan, how stubborn she was when it came to injuries and how much she cared about her crew. Shepard brushed away their complaints with a laugh and Joker realised that they knew her as a soldier, a hero. He was lucky enough to know the woman underneath, he seen her at her weakest and he loved her all the more for it.

'You forgot the volcano,' Shepard pointed out, 'that was scary.'

'That was a damn close call,' Garrus nodded. 'If it hadn't been for Joker bringing the Normandy in we'd have been swimming in molten lava.'

'Best pilot in the galaxy,' she grinned and squeezed his leg making him wish everyone would leave.

'Hey, don't forget the drop onto Ilos. Twenty metre hole and it was perfect.' Joker reminded her.

'Very impressive,' Mordin commented, 'multiple calculations, steep entry vector, above average stresses on engine and hull. Not many with skills to accomplish successfully.'

'Thank you, Mordin,' Joker laughed, 'he knows how good I am.'

'As if his head wasn't big enough already,' Garrus groaned.

'Damn, Shepard, sounds like we missed some fun times.' Kasumi chuckled, 'How did you survive all that?'

'I had a good crew who were very good at what they did. But I didn't survive, or we wouldn't be here now.' Her shoulders tensed and Joker gave her a gentle squeeze. 'Now, here we are again, on another save the galaxy mission with no help and just my little band of friends. Hopefully this one will turn out better.' Joker's guts churned at the thought of losing her again but he had little time to think about it.

'Mr Moreau, we will reach the relay in fifteen minutes.' EDI once again broke the mood.

'On my way,' Joker reluctantly pulled himself away from Shepard who stood up and walked him to the elevator.

'Come back when you're finished,' she placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to kiss him.

'Are you sure, do you want the crew to know about us?' Joker wrapped her in his arms and rested his forehead on hers.

'You spend most of your sleep periods in your chair anyway, but I don't think it matters. Besides, this is not an Alliance ship, there are no fraternisation rules on a Cerberus ship, I checked. As long as the job gets done who sleeps with who is irrelevant.' She rested her palm on his cheek, 'I don't want to be away from you if I don't have to be.'

Joker pulled her in tighter and kissed her passionately, wanting so much more. 'I'll see you in a couple of hours,' he sighed as he pulled back and stepped away from her. Never in his life had he felt so complete, so happy. He was grinning openly as he stepped from the elevator and headed for the bridge. He completely missed the dark stare and frown from Chambers and the hurried way she activated her coms.


	18. Chapter 18

Joker finished his post relay checks and was satisfied that everything was in order. All diagnostics had been done including some that didn't need doing immediately. They were on course for Hagalaz and would be there in about seven hours. Normally he would settle into his chair and search the extranet or play a game or simply doze. But not tonight.

'EDI, I'm going off duty. The ship is yours for the next six hours.' He stood and stretched and actually felt good about leaving his post.

'Of course, Mr Moreau, although it is unusual for you to leave your post.'

'Yeah, well, sometimes I need too.'

'Very well, I will alert you in six hours.'

He made his way to the elevator and he was almost there when Chambers stopped him.

'Going off duty?' She smiled but it felt false to Joker.

'Yep,' he kept walking and pushed the button for the elevator.

'Want to get coffee or a drink?' The perkiness in her voice and attitude annoyed him but he couldn't explain why.

'No thanks, getting some shut eye.'

He almost sighed aloud when the elevator doors opened and he stepped in. As he glanced back he was glad to see that Chambers had gone back to her terminal and was talking to someone on the com. Something about that woman rubbed him the wrong way, he got a feeling of falseness and he just couldn't shake it. She was another Cerberus lackey and supposedly here to look after the crew's mental well-being. He'd stick with Dr Chakwas, thank you very much.

He hesitated as he stepped up to Shepard's door. Would she still want him to come up or was she already asleep. He took a deep breath and opened the door. The first thing he saw was her feet. He couldn't help thinking how petite they looked, when they weren't in combat boots, she even painted her toenails. His eyes automatically followed her legs that were stretched out before him and he swallowed hard as the smooth, muscular lines led his eyes upwards. He knew there was strength in those beautiful long legs, he'd felt it when they'd been wrapped around him. His mouth was dry and his heart was racing as his eyes continued taking in the most stunning view he ever hoped to see.

Shepard had showered and was wearing her shorts and singlet for bed, and they didn't hide much. His view hovered at her thighs, knowing what lay between and how sweet it was, before continuing up to the curve of her breasts. He loved the softness of her skin, the way she fit perfectly into his hands and the feel of her nipples as they pebbled under his fingers or tongue. His trousers were getting uncomfortably tight as his view lingered on her neck, knowing the exact spot to elicit a moan of pleasure and those powerful yet gentle arms that held him tenderly, the hands that caressed him and knew just where to touch him.

Those luscious, soft, warm lips that tasted perfect. Lips that he had never expected to kiss and when he did it was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He loved her pert nose with its sprinkling of freckles and the face that surrounded it, beautifully perfect. Finally he met her eyes, shining with amusement and drawing him in. Every time he met those eyes he wanted to drown in them, lose himself and never be found. He loved her so intensely and it still amazed him that she wanted to be with him.

'Hey you,' she smiled and he gasped at the beauty of it. She slowly rolled up out of the laid back position in her chair and placed the data pad she'd been reading on her desk.

'Hey yourself,' his voice was husky and she visibly shivered with delight as she slid her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 'I thought you might be asleep,' he said softly when they finally parted.

'Not when I knew you were coming back,' she removed his cap and tossed it on the desk before running her fingers through his hair.

'Hey, careful with that,' he gave her a mock frown and she laughed. 'Can't have my trademark getting damaged.'

'Don't worry,' she purred, 'I'll take good care of you and your cap.'

'Promise.'

'Definitely,' she grinned and stepped back. 'Do you want to shower?'

'You just want to see me naked, don't you,' he chuckled. 'Didn't bring a change of clothes.'

She pointed to the bed where a pair of sweats and a t-shirt were folded, 'I got them for you, but yes on the naked part.'

'I'll be quick,' he kissed her lightly on the nose and stepped into the bathroom.

He was surprised to see his toiletries waiting for him, on the shelf beside hers. Damn, he was a lucky man. Getting her to join him in the shower crossed his mind but the thought of slippery surfaces and broken bones made him a little more sensible. He washed quickly, eager to spend every moment possible in Shepard's company. A wave of self-consciousness washed over him as he dried himself and wrapped a towel around his hips, they'd been naked in bed but if she really took the time to look at him would she be disappointed. Yeah, he'd kept his body toned but there were still signs of his disease, the way his hips leaned and the scars from multiple surgeries. Only one way to find out. With a deep breath he opened the door.

Shepard was no longer at her desk and he could see her head through the glass of her ship display. He made his way down the steps, not the least bit interested in getting dressed. He watched as she grinned and looked him up and down, her eyes lingering on his chest and slowly dropping to the top of the towel, following the line of hair to his groin. Blood rushed into places that would quickly become obvious so he sat down before it did.

'Not quite naked,' she scooted closer and kissed his shoulder.

'What and have you lose total control and be unable to keep your hands of me.'

'You wish,' she giggled and he laughed.

They sat comfortably on the sofa, shoulders touching, legs brushing against each other. Joker still found it hard to believe that he was here, that he and Shepard were together. He felt her shift and turn towards him, she placed her legs gently over his and cupped his face in her hands. He watched as she carefully looked at his face, following her gaze with her fingers. It was sexy and intimate, it was as if she was committing him to memory. He slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, his free hand brushing her neck, her cheek, her lips. She shivered as his thumb lingered on her bottom lip and her eyes met his.

'I love you.'

Joker's heart stopped. He had waited so long to hear those words, to know that his feelings were returned. He couldn't stop the emotions that washed over him, relief, joy, happiness. Without thought he closed the gap between them.

'I love you,' he whispered when they parted and he saw tears in her eyes, knowing she would see the same in his. 'I have loved you for so long, wanted to tell you for so long.' He met her eyes and lost himself in them as she leaned in and he felt her soft lips on his. He took flight with the euphoria that washed over him and he knew she was there right beside him.

Their kisses became more fervent, their touching more intimate, their need for each other more intense. Eventually they lay sated and naked on the bed, wrapped in each others arms. Neither wanted to move, to leave the warmth of the emotion that surrounded them like a cocoon. It was like their own little piece of heaven, a place where their hearts beat as one, their bodies became one and their love swept away any doubts or fears. It had been a long time coming but finally they could openly admit how they felt.

Joker shifted his head and gently lifted Shepard's chin so he could see her eyes. She was completely relaxed in his arms and her gaze was open, her soul bare. He would not have believed that he could love her any more than he already did but the beauty he saw in her eyes took his breath away.

'You are so beautiful,' he whispered and her smile was the warmest and brightest he had ever seen. 'I love you so much.'

Shepard brushed her fingers down his cheek, loving the softness of his beard and the strength of his jaw beneath. His eyes drew her in, the love she saw in them was enough to make her tremble with joy. There was no more doubt, she knew in her heart that she could never let him go, she'd never felt the need to allow her emotions to take control like she did now. She was floating on an ocean of feelings that washed over her, caressed her and she was happy to let them carry her away.

'I love you too,' she pulled him in for a kiss. 'I have for such a long time, I was too afraid to admit it, afraid I might lose your friendship.'

'I guess that makes two of us then,' he chuckled. 'I think I loved you from the very first day I met you.'

'That long huh?' She laughed and he silenced her with a kiss.

'Yeah, I just wish I'd told you sooner.'

'Me too.'

'What, wish that I'd told you or you'd told me?' Joker raised his eyebrows.

'Both, either,' Shepard groaned and he laughed. 'I just wish we hadn't wasted time.'

'Well, we'll just have to make up for it,' he leaned down and trailed kisses down her neck and she giggled. 'Aha, I've found your weak spot,' he followed the trail with his tongue then blew softly along the same line and she wriggled and squirmed, trying to get out of his hold. 'Ahh!' his yell made her stop instantly.

'Jeff, are you okay,' the concern on her face almost made him feel guilty until she realised he was kidding and she scowled at him. 'You are an unscrupulous man, Jeff Moreau.' She gently pushed him backwards and kissed her way down his neck, across his chest where she bit down on his nipple.

'Ow!' he pulled her head up and saw the mischief in her eyes. 'Really? You want to play?' He gripped her hips and pulled her down before tickling her sides to the point where she was crying from laughter. He was laughing as he dropped onto his back, amazed that even through her half-hearted attempts to get free she had been careful not to hurt him. _God I love her!_

'That was so not fair!' She propped herself up on her elbow and glared at him but her eyes shone with joy.

'Was fun though,' he grabbed her hand as she went to hit him and kissed her palm.

She grinned and kissed him. 'I love you, Jeff Moreau.'

'I love you too, Arelia Shepard,' he cupped her face, suddenly serious. 'I will love you forever.' He pulled her in and kissed her passionately before pulling back. 'I really don't want to leave but I need to get some sleep so I can do my job before my Commander gets on my ass about slacking off.'

'And such a nice ass it is,' she chuckled, 'I think I'll have words with this commander of yours, that ass is all mine.'

'Yes it is,' he grinned, kissed her and sat up but she stopped him from leaving the bed.

'Stay.'

'Are you sure,' he leaned down and met her eyes.

'Yes, I want to wake up in your arms,' she blushed and he loved it.

'I'd like that,' he whispered and closed the distance between them, his lips finding hers.

He settled himself in the bed and she curled up against him, pulling his hand into her chest as her behind rested against his hips. If he hadn't been so tired he would have found it arousing, instead it was comforting and before long they were both asleep.

* * *

A Yahg! The Shadow Broker was a Yahg! Joker watched in amazement and terror as the huge beast of a thing tossed his desk across the room, taking out Garrus on the way. He waited for Garrus to move but he didn't and Joker fought back the fear that he might be seriously hurt. The fight to get into the base had been long and hard and he knew Shepard would be getting tired. They'd not only had to fight the elements but the Shadow Broker's army as well. Joker's chest tightened and he realised he was holding his breath, he exhaled loudly but couldn't help gripping the arms of his chair.

'What the fuck is that?' Jack had come up behind him and he jumped.

'A Yahg, apparently,' Joker was almost glad of the distraction. 'Meet the Shadow Broker.'

'Really,' Kasumi uncloaked beside him and he nearly jumped again, he was definitely off his game today. 'I didn't think the Yahg were intelligent enough.'

'That is incorrect,' EDI's blue orb popped into view. 'They are actually a very intelligent species, on par with Salarians. They are natural predators and hunters, similar to Krogans.'

'Whatever they are, that thing is huge,' Jack grunted.

They watched as Shepard and Liara slowly whittled away the shields of the Shadow Broker. Suddenly he stopped and threw up a barrier which Shepard chose to ignore and charged right through it, taking to the monster with her fists.

'Shit!' Joker couldn't hide his worry but Jack chuckled at his concern.

'She's a crazy bitch,' she laughed and Joker scowled at her. 'Get used to it flyboy.'

'Takes one to know one. Just cause she's good doesn't mean I shouldn't worry,' he growled. 'Only takes one wrong move.'

'Shepard's a freak of nature,' Jack laughed again, 'she's already come back from the dead for fucks sake!'

'Yeah, dead, remember. Can happen.' Joker frowned and tried to ignore the voice in his head that said it was his fault.

'Is it true, is Shepard taking on the Shadow Broker?' Jacob walked up with Zaeed close behind.

'What the fuck is that thing?' Zaeed peered over Joker's shoulder.

'A Yahg,' Joker, Kasumi and Jack spoke as one.

'Never seen one before,' the mercenary snorted. 'Might be a bit of a challenge.'

Joker wondered when the bridge had become a movie theatre. Not that he minded the company right now, kept his mind from worrying too much about Shepard. There was a collective gasp as Shepard was hit and seemed stunned for a moment before diving back into cover and pulling out her shotgun.

'Shit!' Shepard cursed as she stood up, put a round into the beast that was almost on top of her before darting to the next available cover.

'Shoot the thing in the foot, Shepard,' Zaeed yelled at the screen.

'Easy for you to say,' Shepard yelled back, 'you're not here!'

'Not my fault,' the mercenary laughed and shrugged. 'Didn't realise she could hear me.'

Joker thought about shutting down the outgoing sound but a quick glance at Shepard's bio readings made him change his mind. It was as if knowing others were watching made her more comfortable. He realised that he was surrounded by warriors of varying calibres and none of them seemed overly worried about Shepard's ability to take down the enemy. He took comfort in that as once again the beast stopped and Shepard charged in.

'Jesus, Shepard, hit the thing,' Jack grunted. 'Stop being a girl!'

'Wanna….' Grunt, thud, grunt, '….come down…,' thud, grunt, '….and take over.' She jumped away as the broker started moving again.

'Nah, wouldn't want to spoil your fun.'

'Shepard,' Liara dashed to where Shepard was taking cover and there was a hurried conversation before they both darted out of the way of the lumbering beast that was the Shadow Broker.

Run, shoot, run, shoot. It became a familiar pattern as Shepard stayed out of the monster's reach, following the camera feed on Shepard's suit almost make Joker feel sea sick. On the bridge of the Normandy there were laughs, suggestions and more than a few ribald comments as they watched the scene play out. As much as Joker felt the confidence around him he couldn't help the worry that picked at his thoughts. He could see she was tiring, he'd watched her often enough to know when she put a foot wrong, or fumbled a shot.

'Now, Shepard!' Liara yelled as the broker's barrier went up again.

Shepard charged, distracting the beast, pushing him backwards. She jumped clear just as Liara used her biotics to destroy the glass above the broker's head, whatever liquid was behind it drowned the Yahg. And then it was over. Joker allowed himself to relax. He was in love with a warrior, but not just any warrior. He knew that she could be taken from him at any time and that terrified him, but she was here now. She was alive and that was all that mattered. It still didn't stop his stomach from churning and until she was standing before him his heart wouldn't stop racing. _That's what I get for falling in love with Commander Shepard._ But he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

**A/N: Just a quick thank you to everyone reading, following, favouriting and reviewing, makes me feel happy when those notices come in. It's also nice to know others are enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it.**

**Please feel free to let me know if you find any mistakes or something is not quite right. Any and all feedback is appreciated.**


	19. Chapter 19

Joker was still on shift when Shepard finally came back on board. She took the time to shower and grab coffee for two before settling into the co-pilot's seat. Joker could see she was exhausted and he knew she would be hurting, bruised from the fight. As much as he loved having her beside him he knew she needed to rest. They still had a lot of work ahead of them and he wanted her at her best.

'You should get some sleep,' he glanced at her as he sipped his coffee.

'Soon, wanted to see you,' she sighed and leaned back against the chair. 'Don't like the idea of sleeping without you.' She pouted and he laughed.

'So now I'm your security blanket?'

'Yep, you're my cuddly bear,' she looked at him through hooded eyes, 'just have to be careful with your stuffing.'

Joker gaped at her and she laughed, his mouth moved but he couldn't think of a response. Shepard licked her finger and dragged it down through the air. Joker simply laughed and shook his head. These were the moments he'd always cherished, light-hearted fun, trying to outdo each other. He could see she was relaxing and he knew if she didn't move she would fall asleep in the chair. As much as he would like that she needed to go to bed, there was no way he could carry her.

'How's Garrus?' They'd pretty much carried him to medbay and there was no doubt Shepard was worried about him.

'Bruised, battered and a little embarrassed. He'll be okay but doc has put him on sick leave for a few days.' Her gazed dropped to the floor, 'I thought he was dead.'

'He's a tough guy,' Joker glanced at her, worried that she might descend further into depression if anything happened to those she considered family. 'A rocket to the face couldn't keep him down so I doubt a Yahg can.'

'Never fought a Yahg before, wonder if they're all that tough.'

'Do you really want to find out?' He raised his eyebrows at her.

'No, not really,' she chuckled. 'At least if we have to take down the Shadow Broker again we'll only have to fight Liara.'

'What?'

'Liara has become the new Shadow Broker,' she put her finger to her lips and shushed him, 'but don't tell anyone.'

'Really, so we have our own information source with no strings attached. That's awesome!'

'Yeah, just hope it doesn't go to her head.' Shepard yawned and stretched. 'I'm going to bed, you coming up when you finish.'

'If you want me to,' he reached for her hand, wanting so much to take her in his arms, but there were still crew around and they'd agreed to keep their professional faces on while on duty, to a point.

'Of course,' she leaned down and kissed him deeply, pulling away reluctantly. 'Once Liara has given us the all clear we need to head for Tuchanka. I need to find out what's wrong with Grunt and Mordin has someone he needs to find.'

'Aye, aye ma'am,' he pulled her back for another kiss before releasing his hold and watching her walk towards the elevator. He would never, ever tire of that view.

Shepard hadn't been gone long before Chambers sauntered onto the bridge and stood behind him. He felt her hand on the back of his chair and he resisted the urge to spin around and pull her off her feet.

'Do you want something?' He tried to keep the distaste out of his voice, but not too hard.

'Just thought you might like some company,' she moved to rest on the rail in front of EDI's emitter. 'I thought you might get a bit lonely spending so much time alone up here.'

'I'm fine, I like my own company,' Joker just wanted her to go away.

'Really, I notice you've been spending a lot of time with the Commander.' She leaned forward and rested her hand on his arm. 'I would have thought she wasn't your type.'

'What do you want, Chambers?' Now he did spin his chair and she had to jump back to avoid him catching her legs.

'I just think you'd be better off with someone a little less forceful,' she looked him up and down and he felt like he'd been violated.

'It's none of your business who I'm with. Just leave me alone.' He spun his chair back and she jumped again.

'Okay, but if you want to have some fun or need to talk, come find me.' She ran her hand up his arm and her hand lingered on his shoulder before she finally moved away.

_I need a shower!_ Joker felt dirty, he really didn't like that woman. He had a funny feeling that there was more to her visit than just trying to flirt with him. Something wasn't right and he was afraid that it involved him and Shepard, he just hoped they could work through whatever it was together. He went back to concentrating on flying, not that they were, orbiting a planet didn't really count as flying, but there were still things to be done.

'Joker,' Liara spoke softly into his ear. 'I have some new star maps for you, I thought you might find them interesting.'

'Thanks Liara, I'll have a good look at them, might find something useful.' Joker watched as the information was transferred. He loved studying the stars, and not just from the bridge of his ship. The thought of travelling to the distant stars he could see through his telescope had always been his dream and even though he'd been diagnosed with his disease early in life his parents had never told him he couldn't do anything.

'There are many uninhabited planets worth scanning for resources. It might help with the defences Shepard wants to add to the Normandy, without having to rely on other sources.'

'Understood,' Joker updated his navigation database as the information was integrated into the Galaxy Map.

'I have some other information I will send directly to Shepard, should be completed shortly.' Liara sounded deep in thought and Joker could just picture her studying all the information at her fingertips, losing herself in the depths of it all. 'Please take care of her, Joker.' He blinked as the statement came out of nowhere. 'She deserves to be happy and you can give her that.'

'I hope so,' he sighed and sat back. 'I still find it hard to believe she wants me.'

'Why wouldn't she, you're a warm, caring man, as much as you try to hide it,' Liara laughed softly. 'You can give her what I can't.'

Joker suddenly understood that Liara was accepting that Shepard would never be interested in her. At one time Liara was attracted to Shepard, had even made her feelings known but had been disappointed when her feelings were not reciprocated. Liara had settled for friendship but there had been times when Joker had seen her looking at Shepard with longing, when she'd watched her in ways that friends just don't. He knew how that felt.

'Liara, thank you.'

'What for?'

'For giving her back to me,' Joker allowed his feelings to flow through his words.

'I'm happy for you,' she almost sounded wistful.

'I'll make her happy,' he imagined that he could feel her loss, he knew how that felt too.

'I know, she is in love with you, she told me that.'

'Really? I'm sorry, I know you hoped for more than friendship.'

'It seems what we want is not always what we can have,' apparently she was resigned to never having Shepard's heart. As nasty as it felt, Joker was glad.

'I'm finished transferring data. As sad as I am to see you leave you need to hurry, Shepard needs to get out of her current situation before it's too late.'

'See ya, Liara, I'm sure we'll be back for a visit.'

Joker ran through the departure procedures and felt the ship come to life around him, the familiar soft vibration and hum sliding into the gentle movement of flight. He felt the inertial dampeners kick in and his balance shifted as the ship responded to his commands. This was the moment he loved most, the instant when he became one with the ship, when it became an extension of him. He might not be able to run but he could fly and the excitement was just as intense as the first time he sat in a pilot's seat. He didn't think it would ever lose its appeal.

Once the course out of system was set Joker ran his last set of diagnostics, checking and double checking results. He had a quick glance at the new maps from Liara, marking the ones that might be of interest for scanning and adding them to the timetable. He completed his mission reports, including the video feed from the ground team and forwarded them to Shepard's terminal. When he was done there was still twelve hours to the nearest relay so he handed control over to EDI and headed to bed.

'Mr Moreau, you seem to be spending less time in your chair, is there a problem?' EDI's words made him pause as he was leaving the bridge.

'No, EDI, I'm just sleeping in a bed instead, it's what humans normally do. Make sure I'm up in ten hours please.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau. Will you be sleeping in the Commander's quarters?'

'Yes,' Joker was surprised by the question, EDI would know where he was. 'Is there a problem?'

'No, I just need to confirm your location. Goodnight Mr Moreau.'

Joker was frowning as he headed for the elevator, something about EDI was off. It was almost as if she was jealous of him spending time with Shepard. He laughed silently at his own imagination, it was an AI, it wasn't possible for it to feel emotion. Maybe he was more tired than he thought, feeling caution about Chambers and a strangeness from EDI wasn't like him. He didn't normally worry about what was going on around him as long as it didn't affect his work. A strange sense of foreboding washed over him as he stepped out of the elevator outside Shepard's quarters. Maybe admitting his feelings for Shepard had opened up other senses, feelings he'd always kept hidden.

He smiled as he looked down on Shepard curled up asleep, the blue light from the fish tank making her look almost angelic. She looked relaxed, peaceful and as he undressed and curled up around her he thought it was a shame that she couldn't stay that way. As she instinctively moved towards him, her hand finding his he desperately wanted this to last forever, he wanted a future with the woman he loved. Liara was right, they needed to hurry up and get this over with.

As he drifted off to sleep he wished that Saren, Sovereign and the Battle for the Citadel had never happened, that Eden Prime had been a normal mission that hadn't given Shepard visions and headaches. In his last moments of lucidity before dreams claimed him he changed his mind. If they had never happened then perhaps him and Shepard would never have met, never fallen in love. He gripped her fingers as he finally succumbed to the darkness of sleep, his last thought was of Shepard's lips on his and how he didn't want to live without that.

* * *

Two decks below Miranda studied the latest logs from EDI. That cursed pilot was with Shepard again. Damn it, why couldn't they just do what was expected. It infuriated her that Moreau had such a hold over Shepard, even more so that Shepard allowed it. She was supposed to be concentrating on the mission, not dallying with the crippled pilot. Something needed to be done to get Shepard's mind back on what was important. They didn't bring her back so she could rekindle her love life.

The pilot wasn't her only problem. The damn doctor was as much of an issue, treating Miranda as if she was dirt under her feet. Another issue to be sorted out. Why the Illusive Man had needed to bring her on board was still a mystery. Yes she could understand the need for people Shepard cared about but to give them the freedom they had, to allow them work independently of her control, of Cerberus control was something she hadn't agreed with. She had no leverage, no options and it frustrated her. She wasn't used to working this way.

She checked the logs and was relieved to find that Jacob and Chambers were still awake, not that she wouldn't have hesitated to wake them. With a sigh she headed for the armoury, it was obvious she needed to take matters into her own hands. This was her cell and she needed to take back control. There was no option for failure, not with the Illusive Man. As much as she admired Shepard and appreciated what she'd done to help her with her sister she couldn't risk the mission not being completed. She wasn't willing to put her life on the line so Shepard could have sex. No, control had to be restored. Jacob looked up as she entered the armoury, the look on his face telling her he knew she was on the warpath. It didn't matter if he agreed with her or not, he would do as he was told, she was sure of that, she was in control.


	20. Chapter 20

Joker knew he was pushing his limits but he persevered. His legs felt tight, sore and he relished it. His muscles were on fire and it made him feel good. He'd skipped a few exercise sessions in the last week and he regretted that, so now he was trying to make up for it. This work out was nowhere near as pleasant as the one he'd had earlier when he'd woken up to find Shepard leaning on her elbow watching him sleep.

'_Hey you,' she kissed him lightly as he groggily opened his eyes._

'_Hey yourself,' he lifted his arm and she snuggled into his chest. 'Why were you watching me sleep?'_

'_I just love waking up with you beside me,' she shrugged and raised her head so she could see him. 'You're cute when you're sleeping.'_

'_Cute!' He groaned and she laughed, 'there goes my reputation.'_

'_Oh, I could be bribed into keeping quiet,' she almost smouldered and he responded just as she knew he would, his body having no control when it came to her._

'_Now what kind of payment are you willing to take?' He whispered as he kissed his way down her neck. 'Should I start here,' he moved to the skin between her breasts._

'_You'll have to do better than that,' she gasped as he kissed a nipple, 'heading in the right direction though.'_

'Joker!'

'What?' He came back to the present with a thump, realising he was still sitting in a stretch that had gone on a bit too long. He groaned as he moved his legs before looking up at Jacob who had disturbed his thoughts.

'Are you okay? You looked out of it,' Jacob sat on a crate across from him.

'Yeah, just thinking,' Joker pulled himself to his feet and sat beside him, 'something wrong?'

Jacob sighed and Joker couldn't stop the worry that suddenly clouded his head. It wasn't like Jacob, he was usually straight into his work out before showering and heading off to the armoury. Something was bothering him. Of all the Cerberus crew Joker liked Jacob, he'd been Alliance once and there was still that sense of connection, a sense of familiarity. Although he now worked for Cerberus he didn't trust them, something he was not slow to point out. It gave him something in common with Shepard's old crew, he was starting to fit in, become one of them.

'EDI,' Jacob looked at the nearest camera, 'can we have some privacy please.'

'Of course, Mr Taylor, logging you out.'

'What's going on?' Joker was more concerned now and his guts churned.

'I need to tell you something but if Miranda finds out she'll kill me,' Jacob frowned and turned to face him. 'You're not going to like it.'

* * *

Joker sat in the mess with two breakfasts before him. Shepard had agreed that they should eat together when they could and he knew she was on her way down. He sipped his coffee as his eyes roamed the area, taking note of who was currently sharing his space. The news from Jacob had angered him and he'd wanted to do something about it but Jacob had suggested that he calm down and talk to Shepard first. Joker wasn't sure he wanted to tell her, but as Jacob had pointed out, it affected her as well.

'Mr Moreau, why aren't you at your post?'

Joker looked up into Miranda's blue eyes, 'Oh, it's just this thing that the human body needs called food, I am allowed to eat, unless you want me keeling over at the controls.'

'You have been away from your post a lot lately, it is not acceptable. You are here to do a job, not lounge around in the mess, or the gym.' She crossed her arms over her chest and Joker tried not to stare at the way her stance lifted and highlighted her breasts.

'Why don't you just come out and say what you really mean?' Joker was fighting hard to control his anger, after his conversation with Jacob he knew there was a lot more going on here. He heard the elevator open behind him but he didn't want Shepard fighting his battles for him. 'What you object to is my being with Shepard.'

'Yes, actually I do. I did not bring her back to life so you could live out your fantasy.'

'What's going on?' Shepard came around the corner, her brows pulled together and Joker knew she was concerned.

'I was just asking Mr Moreau why he is not at his post. He has vacated his post several times for no valid reason.' Miranda stood straighter and faced Shepard but there was doubt in her eyes.

'EDI,' Joker spoke up before Shepard could respond. 'How many hours are there in a standard shift?'

'Nine, including three breaks.'

'How many hours do I normally spend on the bridge and how many breaks do I take in that time?'

'Up to fourteen hours, sometimes longer, with three breaks being your usual pattern. There have been odd occasions when you have needed to visit the facilities but you take as little time as possible away from your post.'

'Are any of my duties neglected?'

'No, in fact you carry out several additional duties to assist other crew members and Commander Shepard.'

'Have I ever neglected my post, shirked my duties or otherwise endangered the ship or crew?'

'No, it would be against your nature to do so.'

'Thank you, EDI,' Joker looked at Miranda and raised his eyebrows.

'We need a second pilot,' she glanced at Shepard before turning back to Joker, 'for those times when you are indisposed or ill.'

'Yes, we do,' Joker agreed and both women looked at him in surprise. 'We have a second pilot. EDI is more than capable of flying the ship when I am not on duty.'

'I was referring to a human pilot,' Miranda frowned, 'someone who could take over if necessary.'

'Miss Lawson that would be unwise. Mr Moreau's skills are above average in every asset of his job. His application scores are perfect, no one has the ability to fly this ship as well as he does.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Joker chuckled and Miranda's scowl deepened. 'See, great pilot and all that. You are correct though, we do need a relief pilot and on an Alliance ship we always have one. Unfortunately there is no one on board who is qualified to fly frigates.'

Miranda's scowl turned to a look of surprise and Joker chuckled. She really had no idea how to be an XO on a ship. She might be a Cerberus Operative, the head of the Lazarus Cell, but when it came to handling people she was out of her depth. She'd never had to actually deal with those working under her, she simply gave an order and expected it to be followed. Things didn't work like that on Shepard's ship and she was finding that difficult to understand. Joker almost felt sorry for her.

'Look, Hadley is the shuttle pilot, I can train him up so he can handle the ship during FTL flight. Traversing the relay and planetary inserts are probably beyond his capability at the moment but at least he can be on the bridge when I'm off duty.' Joker stood up and met Miranda's eyes. 'I will do that, purely so we have a human at the controls, but if you ever question my ability to do my job again all bets are off.' He sat down and picked up his coffee.

Miranda nodded, glanced at Shepard, turned on her heel and walked away. Shepard sat down and looked at Joker in amazement, accepting the coffee and breakfast he slid in front of her.

'You're willing to let someone else handle your baby?' She muttered between mouthfuls.

'Only for short periods and, like I said, on an Alliance ship we'd have a relief pilot. I do have to sleep, among other things,' he nudged her shoulder and grinned at her. 'Just think of what we could do with an extra couple of hours in bed.'

'So all of that was so you could get into my pants more often,' she laughed and he leaned in.

'You weren't wearing any this morning,' he whispered huskily and she shivered. 'Besides,' he sat back, 'everyone thinks I'm a selfish bastard, just thought I'd prove them wrong.' He shrugged and she shook her head. 'What! Can't have everyone taking me for granted. Sometimes you just have to confuse them.'

'Everyone or just Miranda?'

'Yeah, about that,' Joker was serious now and she frowned at him. 'I need to tell you something, but not here. Can we talk later, in your quarters?'

'Of course, you know we can. Should I be worried?' She watched as he took her hand and laced his fingers through hers.

'No, it's nothing dangerous, life threatening or end of the world type stuff but it is important.'

'Okay,' she squeezed his fingers gently, 'when you get off shift then.'

'Yep, speaking of,' he kissed her hand and stood up, 'we'll be hitting the relay soon so I'd better get to work before my Commander catches me out.'

'There's that brute of a boss again, you really should tell her to ease off.'

'Are you kidding, I like it when she takes control,' he wiggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed as he walked away.

* * *

Joker's laughter echoed around the bridge, he'd been right. Grunt was going through the Krogan equivalent of puberty and he did want to hit something. So now, because he'd named Shepard as his Battlemaster she had to go through his right of passage with him.

'I warned you,' he guffawed into the com.

'Laugh it up, flyboy,' Shepard groaned.

'Aww, not such a cute baby Krogan now,' he tried to stop the laughter but failed.

'He still has to have the birds and bees talk,' her laugh was almost evil and Joker laughed even louder.

'Mordin can have that job, I hear he gives good sex talks.'

'What? How?'

'I have my ways,' he chuckled and she groaned.

Joker had been watching the camera in the mess when Mordin had given Shepard the information she requested regarding alien physiology. Mordin had assumed it was to do with inter species mating and Shepard had been dumbfounded as he proceeded to describe the actions. The look on her face had been priceless, especially when Garrus had joined them at the table. He had never seen her so flustered and it only added to the depth of his feelings.

'God damn it, Shepard. What have you gotten me into this time?' Zaeed's cursing drew Joker's eyes back to the incoming feed and he watched as they walked into what could only be described as an arena.

'You said you wanted to shoot something,' Joker could almost see her grin, 'in the foot, if I remember correctly.'

'Shit, woman, you'll be the death of me yet.' Zaeed's words held no malice, in fact Joker was pretty sure he was enjoying himself. The old merc might appear tough but Shepard had found his soft spot.

'Hit the button, Shepard, let's get this started.' Grunt was growing impatient so with an obvious shake of her head Shepard hit the button.

Joker watched as armoured varren approached from two sides. Grunt charged, Shepard out manoeuvred and Zaeed shot everything in range. With the varren growls, Krogan yells and weapons fire it was deafening, it looked like absolute chaos but eventually quiet descended and they had time to breathe.

'Hey, Kasumi,' Joker chuckled as she uncloaked beside him, he was back on his game.

'Damn, I'll get you one day,' she looked up at the feed. 'What's going on?'

'Grunt is going through puberty so Shepard is helping him with his right of passage.'

'Seriously?' He was sure she was raising her eyebrows under that hood.

'I'm sure she loves that,' Garrus laughed as he came up behind them.

'I warned her,' Joker shook his head, 'but did she listen, nooooo. Chalk this one up to me.'

'No doubt she'll remember that too,' Garrus patted Joker's shoulder in sympathy.

'What? She wouldn't …..'

'Shepard and payback, wouldn't like to be in your shoes.' Kasumi laughed at Joker's open mouthed stare but weapons fire sounding on screen stopped any further comment.

The three of them watched as harvesters dropped klixen into the arena. This battle was more difficult than the first and by the end all three stood with chests heaving, covered in gore. The ammunition and medkits were quickly collected and with a loud sigh Shepard hit the button again.

'Shit!' Zaeed dashed for cover as the ground trembled beneath them and a Thresher Maw broke through. 'What have you done this time, Shepard?'

'Not my fault you big baby,' she also ran for cover, 'Grunt, get down.'

'I am Krogan!' Was Grunt's reply as he readied his shotgun and balanced himself on the shaking ground.

'Holy crap!' Joker watched wide eyed as the giant of a Thresher Maw towered over the arena.

'This could be fun,' Garrus muttered and Joker glared at him before turning back to the screen.

How long did it take to kill a Thresher Maw on foot? Joker wished he knew the answer. Time seemed to slow as he watched Shepard and her team dance around the arena, taking whatever shots they could at the monster that spat acid. Between Shepard's Arc Projector, Zaeed's inferno grenades and their incendiary ammo eventually they managed to take it down. Grunt was growling proudly as he shook off the acid that had eaten new scars into his armour and skin.

'Now that's impressive,' Garrus commented.

'Shepard, you're insane,' Zaeed picked her up and spun her around, 'that was one hell of a fight.'

'Shepard, I am proud you're my Battlemaster,' Grunt slapped her on the back once Zaeed had put her down and she stumbled from the impact. 'All Krogan will remember the name Shepard and her Krantt.'

'Let's not do that again anytime soon,' Shepard groaned.

On the bridge of the Normandy the three observers allowed themselves to relax. As much as he had been terrified Joker was so proud of the woman he loved, but he was definitely glad it was over. As soon as he thought it he knew it was too good to be true. Urvenk and his Krantt appeared and once again Shepard and her team were under fire. Why was it nothing was ever easy? Compared to the Thresher Maw this was quicker but as Wrex appeared and Shepard removed her helmet he could see she was exhausted. All he wanted was for her to be back on board in his arms and safe. Was that really too much to ask?

It was some time before she was back on board though. Apparently she was the first to kill a Thresher Maw since Wrex during his right of passage, she was a hero on Tuchanka and there had been some celebrating. Knowing she hated the hero title Joker was surprised to hear her laughing about it with Garrus as she wandered onto the bridge.

'So, now you're a hero on Tuchanka as well,' Joker spun to face her and she nodded exuberantly, she'd rid herself of her armour and the under suit she was wearing certainly accentuated her curves.

'Yep,' she leaned in to kiss him and almost stumbled before bracing herself on the arms of his chair. 'I'm good breeding material too.' There was a slur to her words and her eyes were glazed.

'Really!' Joker raised his eyebrows and heard Garrus chuckle. 'You seem a little drunk, Commander.'

'Just a little,' she held up two fingers slightly apart.

'Seems she was convinced to drink Ryncol,' Garrus shook his head.

'Why doesn't that surprise me,' Joker mimicked Garrus' movement and laughed. 'I'm surprised she's still standing.'

'Zaeed carried her back to the shuttle before some rather enthusiastic Krogan males made their advances more serious.' Garrus laughed as Shepard glared at him.

'Cute Krogan babies,' she cooed.

'I really don't want to know how that would work,' Joker pulled her gently onto his lap as she started to lean further forward. 'Just think, you'd have to go through puberty all over again.'

'We killed a Thresher Maw,' she grabbed his chin and shook it, 'on foot!'

'Yes you did,' Joker laughed and kissed her. 'I think you should get some sleep.'

'Sleep here,' she snuggled into his neck.

'As much as I'd love that, you really need to go to bed,' Joker looked at Garrus who carefully pulled Shepard to her feet.

'Come on, Shepard,' he chuckled, 'let's get you to bed.'

'You too,' she held on to Joker's hand.

'I'll be up soon,' he grinned as he watched Garrus lead her away, yep, that suit definitely clung in all the right places. He spun back to the controls with a sigh, 'Doc, you might want to check on Shepard, seems she drank some Ryncol.

'Of course she did,' Chakwas sighed. 'On my way.'

Joker couldn't stop the grin on his face and he didn't want to. There were many facets to Commander Shepard and he loved every single one of them. But Shepard drunk, that was just cute.


	21. Chapter 21

Joker slowly returned to the world around him. He stretched lazily, enjoying the softness of the bed, the smoothness of the sheets the warmth of Shep … the cold sheets brought him to full awareness and he rolled over. He glanced up at her office to find it empty as well and there were no sounds from the bathroom. She was gone. He dropped onto his back and something caught his eye, his omnitool was flashing.

'_Hey there cutie,' Shepard grinned out from the vidscreen. _

Joker shook his head at the nickname, he would never live it down if anyone else heard it. Shepard had obviously recorded this before she left and he was surprised he hadn't woken up.

'_You looked so peaceful I told EDI to let you have a couple of hours longer, I know you were up late running diagnostics so you needed to sleep.' She shook her head, 'you know there are other people who can do some of that work.'_

Joker smiled, really, pot, kettle. Looking at her image the after effects of drinking Ryncol were not obvious, but he noticed the tension around her eyes and he was pretty sure she'd have a headache.

'_When you drag that gorgeous body of yours out of bed can you ready a course for the Citadel. I need to talk to you about something later. Right now I have to go shoot someone and blow shit up. Love you.'_

It came as no surprise that even though she had been sound asleep when he curled up beside her she still knew he'd come to bed late. Even in her inebriated state she still wrapped his arm around her and snuggled into him when he lay down beside her. He also had no doubt that she'd asked EDI, her concern for his welfare was appreciated but she had bigger things to worry about than his sleeping habits.

He forcibly dragged himself into the shower, remembering to clean up after himself, these were Shepard's quarters and he didn't want her tossing him out because he forgot to put the toilet seat down or left his towel on the floor. Feeling a bit more alive he wandered into the mess to grab breakfast before heading to the bridge.

'EDI, how long has the Commander been planetside?' he slid into his chair and instinctively pulled up the feed from the ground team.

'Two hours, forty six minutes and twenty eight seconds.' The blue orb that was EDI popped into life alongside him. 'Are you adequately refreshed and ready for duty, Mr Moreau?'

'Yeah, why?' He glanced sideways.

'Commander Shepard was quite adamant that you be allowed to sleep, she was concerned for your welfare.'

'Really,' he couldn't help the grin that broke out.

'Yes, in fact, her words were, "If anyone wakes Joker in the next two hours I will hold you responsible and rip your wires out", I believe she was serious.'

Joker laughed, 'I wouldn't risk it either but thanks for the sleep.'

'I did not mention that you spent part of your shift wiping my bridge cameras with grease, I would prefer it if you cleaned it off.'

'Only if you stop watching me all the time, it's kinda creepy.' He brought up the sound from the ground team as he started his pre-flight checks.

'It is my job to monitor the ship and crew so I can report any lack in efficiency or minor problems that may escalate into major ones.'

'Just exactly who do you report to and how often?' Joker spun slightly to face her orb.

'I send three weekly reports, one to Miranda as the leader of the Lazarus Cell, one to the Illusive Man and one to Kelly Chambers.'

Joker couldn't help the way his stomach rolled, everyone but Shepard was kept in the loop. 'Why don't you send one to the Commander?'

'She is not listed as a recipient of my reports.'

'EDI, I think you should add her to your list. If she finds out you've been reporting and not including her she will definitely rip your wires out.' Joker had no doubt Shepard would be angry about the AI going behind her back, she was already pissed that Miranda reported directly to TIM and not to her. 'Why do you send a report to Chambers?'

'Miss Chambers is responsible for crew morale and well being, it is her job to deal with personal issues before they become a problem.'

Crap! Shepard would definitely not be happy about that. She had her own way of dealing with the crew and it worked fine. 'Damn, the Commander will not be happy about that.'

'Is this too going to be a problem?' EDI almost sounded concerned.

'I think so,' Joker shook his head, 'TIM should have done his homework better.'

The sound of cursing pulled his attention back to the suit feed in time to see the remains of a female Krogan being covered up. He'd never thought about female Krogans before, obviously there had to be females for the race to survive, although the Asari didn't seem to need two sexes. From the quick glimpse he guessed that the females were not a lot different from the males, they were still huge and he wouldn't like to meet one in the dark.

'Mr Moreau, I have noticed a decrease in Commander Shepard's stress levels since the two of you began spending time together. She also seems more determined in her desire to defeat the Collectors.'

'Hang around us humans long enough and you'll realise that if we have someone to fight for it makes us more determined and having someone to care for gives you a reason to fight.'

'If this is so then why is Operative Lawson so concerned about your relationship with Commander Shepard. It would be more sensible to encourage anything that improves the mission success.'

'Because Miranda is a control freak and we scare her,' Joker chuckled and shook his head. 'She should have done her homework as well.'

'So any kind of interference or sabotage of your relationship may cause the mission to fail simply because Commander Shepard has nothing to fight for.'

Joker sighed, EDI was a machine how did you explain love to a machine. 'Sortta, she will still fight to save others but her heart would not be in it, she wouldn't fight to stay alive herself.'

'So the same would apply to yourself, you would not wish to live if Commander Shepard did not survive.'

Memories flooded in, he hadn't wanted to live, in fact he'd given up trying for a while. Months of his life were nothing but a hazy cloud of grey, 'Yeah, something like that.'

'I have determined that in the best interests of this mission, the ship and crew both you and Commander Shepard need to survive and be together. It is also in my best interests to have you at the helm. However, my programming parameters prevent me from aiding in any way other than to report what I see and hear to The Illusive Man, Operative Lawson and Miss Chambers. I will also pass those reports on to Commander Shepard in future.'

'That's a start,' Joker nodded and thought for a moment, 'EDI, is there anything in your programming that prevents you from reporting to Shepard before you report to everyone else?'

'There is no designation of order, only that I report regularly. All the ships logs are automatically fed to Operative Lawson.'

'Then maybe you should send the reports to Shepard first. Can you send a copy of the logs to the Commander?'

'I have no orders to the contrary so yes.'

'That would be a good idea.'

'Mr Moreau, I believe I have misunderstood certain elements of human behaviour and therefore have deliberately caused interference in your relationship with the Commander. This will not happen again.'

Joker was a little dumbfounded, an AI feeling guilty, 'Ahh, thanks, EDI that would be nice.'

The sound of the Commander cursing dragged his attention back to the mission feed. He watched through the feed from Garrus' suit and could see frustration on Shepards face. Mordin was working on a terminal and he watched as she looked over his shoulder, shaking her head at whatever she was reading. He sensed she was upset but it was developing into anger.

'Hey, babe, you okay,' he spoke into her private channel and she almost jumped but was quick to give a half smile.

'Yeah, just what we've found down here, it's not good.' She sighed and he could see the tiredness in her posture. 'It's good to hear your voice.'

'You should have woken me before you left.'

'But you looked so cute,' she was grinning and he couldn't help but groan.

'You know pet names are fair game if anyone else calls me that,' he tried to sound serious but failed. 'I'm sure I could come up with something totally ridiculous.'

'Noted.' She chuckled. 'We'll be heading back shortly so make sure we're ready to leave.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he smirked as he added, 'how's the hangover?'

She groaned and shook her head, 'remind me never to drink that stuff again, the implants help me recover quicker but they don't get rid of the aftertaste and it sucks. Not to mention the headache.'

'Self inflicted,' he laughed, 'I suppose you expect sympathy.'

'You mean you don't care enough to give me any,' she pouted and he laughed even more.

'We are still talking sympathy here, right?'

'You had something else in mind,' she chuckled.

'Finished, Shepard. Data downloaded,' Mordin broke into their conversation. 'Ready to leave.'

'Okay, Joker, we're on our way back.'

'Roger that,' he checked the pre-flight diagnostic results and laid in a course for the Citadel. 'EDI, I'm going to get coffee and meet the shuttle, let me know if you need me.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau.'

Joker was just finished his coffee when his omitool pinged to let him know the shuttle was docking. He dropped his cup in the sink and made his way to the elevator. The doors were just closing when Chambers pushed her way in. He didn't think much of it until she pushed him up against the wall, wrapped her leg around him and planted her lips heavily on his, her hands gripping his hair and pushing his hat sideways.

Joker was so shocked it took him a moment to respond but that was long enough for the elevator to stop and the doors opened onto the hangar deck. Chambers pulled back and there was triumph on her face.

'What the fuck!'

Joker looked up to see Shepard staring back at him, hurt and disappointment obvious on her face. Before he could speak she turned and walked away. He angrily pushed Chambers away, not caring that she stumbled against the wall. Shepard, he had to find her. _Shit! Why now!_ He stepped onto the deck and came face to face with Garrus.

'Joker, what's going on?' The Turian was confused and getting angry.

'Get that bitch away from me!' Joker motioned angrily to Chambers, his heart was pounding and his hands were shaking. 'Where's Shepard?'

'She headed that way,' he pointed to the bay doors then stepped into the elevator as Chambers tried to step out. 'You'd better get this sorted.' He pushed the button as Mordin stepped in and the doors closed.

* * *

Shepard couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true, she was dreaming and soon she would wake up. She pinched herself and groaned when it hurt and she didn't wake. So not dreaming. _Why?_ He'd said he loved her, wanted her. She'd opened herself up to him, allowed him in and he'd played her for a fool. _NO!_ She didn't want to believe it, couldn't believe it. Tears burned and she forced them back, she wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to let him see how much he hurt her.

'Shepard,' Joker came up behind her and she sucked in a breath before turning to face him but she wouldn't look at him, she didn't want him to see the pain in her eyes.

'You know if you wanted out you just had to say so.' She went to push past him but he grabbed her arm.

'Shepard stop.' He fought to hold on but she shook him off and walked back towards the elevator. He followed but she was faster than him and he knew she wouldn't wait. 'Ari, please, don't shut me out.' It was a plea and it tore at her heart.

She stopped walking but didn't turn around. She heard his awkward steps behind her, sensed his nearness and her heart broke. She loved him, more than she'd realised and it tore her apart to think of him with someone else. But she wouldn't hold him if that's where he wanted to be.

Not knowing what to say she whispered over her shoulder and he had to strain to hear her. 'I won't get in your way if you want to be with someone else.'

'I don't want to fucking be with anyone else. I just want you!' He was yelling now, she was closing off and he knew if he didn't stop her from putting those barriers back up he had no chance of making this right.

'Then why the fuck….' She yelled and finally turned to look at him, the pain in his eyes was almost her undoing. She choked back a sob, 'why?'

'Do you remember yesterday I wanted to speak to you about something,' Joker sounded desperate, agonised and she wanted to take him in her arms and kiss his pain away.

'So this was it,' her own pain took over and a tear rolled down her cheek.

'No, yes, but not what you think,' he moaned and slid to the floor against a crate, taking off his cap and running his hands through his hair. 'Why did you have to get drunk last night? I would have been able to warn you.'

'What, warn me that you were about to break my heart,' she looked at him wide eyed.

'No, warn you about Chambers, about Miranda,' he buried his face in his hands and her heart went out to him.

Something else was going on here so she slid to the floor alongside him, not touching but close enough to feel his warmth. She longed to reach out to him but she was still hurting. She needed to know that she hadn't been wrong to give him her heart.

'Tell me,' she said softly.

* * *

Joker buried his face in his hands to cover the tears that threatened. This was one relationship he didn't want to stuff up, to lose. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her he loved her but right now he didn't think she'd believe him. The pain in her eyes matched his own. He wanted to kill Miranda, he cursed Chambers for making her move so soon and was a little angry at Shepard for getting drunk so he couldn't warn her.

He felt her slide down alongside him but still distant and he yearned for her touch. She was so close and yet there was a chasm between them that he hoped he could build a bridge across. He could feel the heat of her, he could smell her, the sweat, the gun oil. It drove him mad that he couldn't reach out for her.

'Tell me.'

He raised his head and looked at her, his tears lingering. His heart broke at the despair in her eyes and his guts churned at the thought that he was responsible. Instinctively he went to reach for her but she flinched and he pulled his hand back.

'EDI, privacy please.' He glanced at the ceiling as he dropped his head back against the crate.

'Logging you out.'

'Jacob came to see me yesterday morning,' he started, his voice trembled and he held up his hand when she went to speak. 'Let me finish, please. He wanted to warn me about Miranda and her plans to come between us, to get back control of you.' He felt her tense beside him and he took a deep breath before continuing, 'he was supposed to try and seduce you into bed and brag about it so I'd walk away.' He watched as anger clouded her face. 'Chambers was ordered to get me into a compromising position, which she succeeded in doing today.'

'Why?' Confusion was obvious in her voice and he turned to face her.

'Because she feels as if she's losing control. She's a Cerberus Operative and this is her cell, she's in charge. There is no option for failure with TIM and she's scared.' He reached for her hand and this time she didn't flinch away. 'Ari, I love you, there is no-one else for me, there never will be. Chambers took me by surprise and I didn't have time to knock her on her ass.' He frowned, 'believe me I'd like to do worse than that but I'd probably break something.'

'I'll do it for you when I throw her out the airlock,' Shepard growled and turned to face him. 'I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, I just saw …. I was…..'

'Hey, it's okay,' he cupped her face and kissed her lightly, 'just think of the make up sex.'

She laughed, 'so should I be concerned that all of this is just another excuse to get me into bed.'

'I'd love to get into your pants but we have a problem to sort out,' he sighed and took both her hands in his. 'Jacob refused to follow Miranda's orders but if she finds out he told me she'll kill him, probably literally. He respects us both too much to betray us.'

'That's good to know,' Shepard laced her fingers through his. 'I think we need to have a talk with Miranda and Chambers.'

'I think we have an ally,' he grinned, 'EDI, can you help me with something?' He raised his eyebrow at Shepard's curious stare.

'Of course, Mr Moreau.'

'Can you bring up the log from the armoury the other night when Miranda went to talk to Jacob?'

'Yes, I also have the feed from the elevator if you wish to see that, and the feed from the two other attempts Chambers has made to get your attention. I also have the com logs between Miranda and Chambers.'

'Why are you eager to help, EDI?' Shepard frowned but Joker gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze.

'Because the outcome of this mission has a higher chance of success, and thus our survival, if you and Mr Moreau are together and Miranda is not in control.'

Shepard gaped at Joker who just smirked, 'told you.'

'EDI, can you send all this to my quarters please,' Shepard stood up and helped Joker to his feet. 'Why don't you get us to the Citadel while I shower, we can sort this out when you get off shift.' She paused for a moment, 'you might want to look miserable so Chambers thinks she was successful.'

'It won't be hard to be miserable around her, she gives me the creeps.' Joker pulled her close before she could walk away, wishing she wasn't still in her armour, 'I love you, please remember that.' He leaned in and kissed her and it was a relief to feel her respond.

'I love you too,' she brushed the side of his face and pulled him in for another kiss. 'Why can't we have something easy for a change,' she sighed as they parted.

'It wouldn't be a Shepard mission if it was easy,' Joker chuckled and she smirked at him. 'I'll go up first, can't be seen together if we're fighting.' He gave her a quick kiss and stepped into the elevator, the last thing he saw was her frown, she was already deep in thought and he wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of whatever she came up with.


	22. Chapter 22

Joker completed the docking at the Citadel, disappointed that he hadn't had time to talk to Shepard. In fact, he hadn't seen her since they parted on the hangar deck eight hours earlier. He'd walked through the CIC angrily and he'd glanced back to see Chambers smirking as she spoke to someone on the com. Miranda no doubt, he'd never wanted to kill someone before but he did now. They had to sort this out and soon, he couldn't stand being away from Shepard, he felt like part of him was missing.

'Joker,' Garrus came up behind him, 'join me for lunch.'

'Sure,' he spun to face him, 'what's up.'

'I think we need to talk,' Garrus sounded angry and Joker wondered if he'd spoken to Shepard.

'Okay, I'll just finish up here and meet you on Zakera Ward at the Stand, about an hour.'

'I'll be waiting,' he nodded and headed towards the airlock.

Joker turned back to carry out docking diagnostics and make sure the ship was in flight lockdown. Shepard had sent a message through EDI to give the crew shore leave, he was hoping that meant she would get some rest but he wasn't holding his breath. It wasn't long before he heard the sound of boots behind him and he glanced back to see Shepard coming towards him. He started to smile but the look on her face warned him she wasn't in a good mood. He spun his chair, a puzzled frown creasing his brow but she ignored him and left the ship.

Okay, now he was worried. He hadn't seen her since the hangar bay and he knew she wasn't still angry with him so what was going on. He double checked the camera logs and he knew she hadn't left her quarters since the incident with Chambers, she had also ignored numerous messages sent to her terminal. She had shut herself off from everyone, including him.

'EDI, how are the Commander's bio readings?' He watched as the AI popped into view.

'The Commander's readings are normal, no increase in stress or signs of illness. Is there a reason you wish to know?'

'She just seemed off,' Joker shrugged.

'Explain "off",' if he didn't know better he would say that the AI was frowning.

'She just seemed angry, not herself.'

'Perhaps it was a deliberate ploy.'

'I hope so,' he sighed, 'I hate to think she's still mad at me.'

'I do not believe so. Miss Chambers and Operative Lawson have both been conversing about this subject.'

'Really? Anything I should know.

'I would describe them both as nervous.' EDI almost sounded happy.

'So they should be,' Joker snorted.

His omnitool pinged and he instantly recognised it as the signal that Shepard was off the grid. Maybe it wasn't just shipboard problems that were bothering her. He took a deep breath and went back to his final checks before finally standing and stretching.

'I'm going ashore, EDI, you have the ship.'

'Enjoy your lunch, Mr Moreau.'

'Do you know where the Commander is?' He was curious about their plan working.

'She is currently in the Sirta Foundation Store, perhaps some shopping might help her mood.'

'Thanks, EDI.'

Joker was shaking his head as he stepped through the airlock. He had a strange feeling about EDI, it was almost as if she was coming to life. He knew she had blocks to prevent her from actual freedom but he wondered if she was smart enough to work around them. She seemed to have taken a dislike to anything or anyone who threatened the mission and their survival, or maybe it was her survival. How far would she go to keep herself alive? He realised what he was thinking and inwardly slapped himself around the head. EDI was an AI, a shackled AI, what harm could she do? He mentally slapped himself again, lots, if she really wanted to, if she got free. The only morals she had would come from what she'd learned from others, that was something to think about.

Once he was clear of the Normandy he activated the code Mordin had given him and sent Shepard a message, asking her to meet him for lunch and where. Their plan appeared to be working, she was with Anderson. He was glad he was off the ship, there was no way he could hide his grin at the rest of her message.

_Lunch with a handsome pilot, who wouldn't. See you in about thirty minutes, cutie pie. _

He really was going to have to do something about that name. All he had to do was come up with one of his own. At least he knew she wasn't mad at him, which was a relief. He made his way through the ward to find Garrus already waiting for him and from his posture Joker guessed he wasn't happy.

'Hey, Garrus, what's up?' Joker sat across from him and picked up a menu.

'I'm worried about the Commander. What happened yesterday, in the elevator, did you sort it out? I'm hoping so because I'd really hate to shoot you.'

Joker glanced up at him, not sure whether to take him seriously or not. Garrus simply stared at him and Joker had a sudden feeling of unease, he imagined being in the sights of the sniper rifle that Garrus was handy with.

'Yes, we did,' Joker sighed, 'we plan to do something about it but we haven't had time yet.'

'About what?' Garrus seemed to relax so Joker took that as his cue to relax as well.

'Miranda, Chambers and damn Cerberus,' Joker looked down as his and Garrus's omnitool pinged, Shepard was back on the grid. 'Shepard's on her way to join us.'

'Good, I really didn't want to shoot you,' he gave the Turian equivalent of a chuckle.

'I wouldn't be happy if you did,' Shepard came up behind Joker, slid her arm around his shoulder and kissed him. 'Hi, I've missed you.'

'Tell me about it,' Joker took her hand as she sat down. 'It feels like forever since we've touched.'

'Yeah, thought we'd better make it look good, you do know we're being watched right.'

'Like I could miss it,' Joker snorted. 'Although anything from the bridge will be hazy.'

'Joker, what did you do?' Shepard gave him one of her 'do I need to get you out of trouble looks' and he grinned.

'Just a little smear on the cameras, everything looks dreamy.' He shrugged as Shepard chuckled, 'what, I hate being watched.'

Conversation ceased as their orders were taken and Joker took the time to have a good look at Shepard. She looked tired, it seemed like she always did lately. He worried about her and this added stress from Miranda wasn't helping.

'What's going on Shepard?' Garrus asked once the waiter was gone.

'Miranda is assuming she has control of the ship and the mission. She's trying to pull me back into line by sabotaging our relationship.' She laced her finger through Jokers, 'don't like her chances.'

'Why? That would only affect the mission, probably make it fail.' Garrus was obviously confused.

'Yeah, but we scare her,' Joker pulled his eyes from Shepard and looked at him. 'Plus the cost of failure with TIM is high.'

'Guess so,' Garrus sighed. 'So what are we doing about it?'

'Well, I have this idea,' Shepard grinned and Joker had a feeling he wasn't going to like what was coming.

* * *

Joker slowly wandered back to the Normandy, his thoughts lost in Shepard's idea and whether or not they could pull it off. He'd stopped to buy her some new fish and had been tempted by the hamster but feared for its life. Instead he'd picked up a couple of model ships she didn't have. He was so deep in thought he almost walked into someone who suddenly appeared in front of him.

'Sorry I….,' he looked up at Kaidan Alenko and flinched as he took a step backwards, almost losing his balance.

'I guess I deserve that,' Kaidan sighed as he grabbed Joker's arm to help him balance himself.

'I could say you deserve a lot more but you can break me with your little finger so that's probably not a good idea.' Joker was pretty sure he was safe in a public place but he couldn't help the worry that twisted his guts.

'Can we talk,' Kaidan indicated a seat off to the side and Joker hesitated before he nodded.

'What do you want, Kaidan?' Joker sat on the edge of the seat, his eyes never leaving the man who had almost killed him.

'To apologise,' he rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around, as if unsure about what he wanted to say. 'What I did on Alchera was unforgivable and I'm sorry. You were my friend and I took my grief out on you. That was wrong.'

'You think,' Joker watched as Kaidan sighed and looked at him. There was pain in his eyes but also resignation.

'I loved her, Joker,' he looked away. 'I lost her before I could tell her that.'

'I know,' Joker slid back onto the seat. 'I killed her.'

Kaidan looked at him in surprise, 'no you didn't. I've had a lot of time to think about it, some of it not so good or sane. You were doing your job, just as she was. I left her to do that, I should have stayed, not followed her orders.'

'Then you would have died and no one would have brought you back.'

'Maybe that would have been better,' Kaidan took a deep breath and leaned back into the seat. 'How is she, Joker?' He kept his eyes on the ground and Joker knew he was still in pain.

'She's as good as can be expected, working on a ship with people she can't trust, having to watch her back. At least she has Garrus, Chakwas and me.' He looked at Kaidan before continuing, 'you know you were an asshole on Horizon, right.'

'Yeah, wasn't my most spectacular moment,' he grimaced and Joker laughed. 'What was I supposed to think though, she was supposedly dead and then she was alive and working with Cerberus.'

'Garrus wanted to shoot you and he wasn't the only one, you're lucky you're still standing. If they'd been able to find you it might have been different.'

'Wouldn't blame them,' he smirked, 'I half expected it. Does she have anyone, you know, special?'

Joker's eyes narrowed and he thought about lying but realised that might do more harm than good. 'Yeah,' Kaidan looked up at him, 'me.' Joker tensed and waited for the anger and hurt to flare.

'I'm glad, she deserves some happiness and I think you'll be good for her. She doesn't have to worry about you being killed on a mission, that was why I never had a chance, she told me that. I thought with time I might be able to change her mind but…' He smiled but it was a sad, defeated smile and Joker knew that could have been him under different circumstances.

'You know she's not working for Cerberus, right?'

'Yeah, I know she couldn't do that and I know that the mission you're on is important and she wouldn't be able to ignore it. I'd like to apologise to her but I didn't know if a message would get through.'

'Send it to me, I'll make sure she gets it,' Joker sent Kaidan an address. 'You know she's passing on information to Anderson. Even though the Alliance and the Council refused to help her she's still keeping them in the loop. She's trying to convince them that the Reapers are coming.'

'No, I didn't, isn't that risky?'

'Yep, but the Illusive Man has to live with it if he wants her on this mission.' Joker laughed, 'she's pissing off the boss and driving the Cerberus XO insane. We also have some very clever people on board who like Cerberus even less than we do.'

'I'll see what I can do to help,' Kaidan seemed to brighten at the thought of being back on Shepard's team, even if it was from a distance. 'If you want to send me stuff I'll make sure it gets noticed. It's the least I can do.'

'I'll let her know.'

'Did she really die?' Kaidan looked him in the eye, 'did they bring her back just as she was?'

'Yeah, I saw her on the table, before she was completely healed.' Joker closed his eyes and tried to forget that she had died. She was alive now and that was all that mattered. 'I had to be there for her, to try and make amends for what happened. That's how Cerberus got me, how could I walk away.'

'You're a stronger man than me,' Kaidan held out his hand and Joker took it. 'I'm sorry for everything, Joker, I hope we can someday go back to being friends.'

'I suppose I can forgive your sorry ass,' Joker watched as relief washed over Kaidan's face and there was a little less pain in his eyes. 'You owe me a beer next time we meet.'

Kaidan nodded, stood up and walked away. Joker watched him leave and was thankful for the opportunity to make peace. He'd never hated Kaidan, in fact he'd felt sorry for him at times, even though he'd tried to kill him, well, hurt him badly at least. They had been friends once and Joker couldn't blame Kaidan for loving Shepard, especially not now. Shepard might even be happy to know that Kaidan wanted to help. She'd been to see Anderson earlier to pass on information they'd been collecting and still had hope that the Alliance would see the truth. Having Kaidan on side might make her feel a little better.

Joker reached the dock and stopped to stare at the Normandy. She was his baby, he loved his ship and the feel of her in flight. He could do without the tension of working for Cerberus but he had to take the good with the bad. Shepard was on his ship and that was good, that was perfect.

'Should I be jealous?' Shepard slid her arm through his, he was disappointed she was wearing her armour and he couldn't really feel her.

'Oh, I don't know, she's sleek and sexy and the way she moves,' he looked down at her and grinned.

'Are we still talking about the ship?'

'I never was,' he laughed and kissed her. 'How did you go with Garrus?'

'Got it sorted, hopefully he won't hate me for not letting him shoot Sidonis.'

'He knows you did it for the right reason,' he buried his nose in her hair and the familiar scent of vanilla aroused feelings he couldn't control.

'Are you ready to go on board and make mischief?' She chuckled at his groan.

'I guess so, why can't you just shoot Chambers. It would be so much easier.'

'Yeah, but it wouldn't be as much fun,' she laughed and gently pulled at his arm. 'Let's go.'


	23. Chapter 23

Joker and Shepard, arm in arm, passed through the CIC and just before the elevator doors closed Joker leaned down and kissed her passionately. He knew Chambers had seen them, he'd also seen her activate her com as they stepped into the elevator. What Shepard had asked him to do was not going to be easy, in fact, he wanted to throw up even thinking about it, but she'd looked at him with a pout and he was unable to resist. Garrus had his part to play, Shepard had dragged him into it and as much as he'd tried to say no eventually he'd given in.

'EDI,' Shepard called up the AI once they were in the privacy of her quarters and she'd removed her armour. 'Who is in command of this ship?'

'You are, Commander,' the blue orb flickered to life.

'If I give you an order is there any reason you would not obey it?'

'Other than a threat to your life or that of the crew, I am bound to obey. Is there a problem, Commander?'

'No, I just need you to do something without informing Miranda, Chambers or the Illusive Man. Can you do that?' Shepard looked at Joker as he slouched on the sofa, EDI had not responded immediately and he shrugged.

'Yes,' EDI finally spoke up and Joker was sure she sounded proud.

'Good, this is what I need you to do.'

Joker watched as Shepard explained what she needed, shaking his head and grinning as the AI even made suggestions to aid in the plan. Shepard was pacing slowly as she spoke and the bodysuit she was wearing made every curve obvious, she was beautiful, how could he not love her. When she was done and EDI had disappeared she flopped down beside him on the sofa. She sighed deeply and forced her way under his arm, her head resting on his chest. He pulled her in close and kissed her hair, god he'd missed her. They'd only been apart for nine hours and he'd missed her. She had become so much a part of him he knew he couldn't survive without her, not now.

'Why don't you get some sleep, babe,' he rested his head on hers.

'Soon,' she sighed and took his free hand in hers. 'I need to talk to you about something.'

'What's up?' He couldn't stop the concern that washed over him.

'You know that sooner or later this mission will be over,' she sat up and met his eyes, still holding his hand. 'When it is I want to go back to the Alliance and I want you to come with me. I plan on handing the Normandy over as well.'

Joker sucked in a breath and searched her face for any traces of doubt. If he was honest he had to admit that he'd wondered what she would do once this was over, assuming they came out alive. The Reapers were still out there and she couldn't take them on alone.

'Is that what you went to see Anderson about?'

'Partly, I wanted to pass on the intel we've gathered, keep him informed so he can formulate a plan. The Alliance needs to be ready, so does the Council.' She sat back against him and snuggled into his chest.

'What if I can't go back?' Joker knew he would follow her to hell if that's what she asked of him. If she wanted to go back to the Alliance then he would too.

'I spoke to Anderson and he wants you back, why wouldn't he, you're the best pilot they have. He understands why you left and he's making sure you can go back, if you want to.' He felt her tense and he realised that she was worried he wouldn't be there for her.

Joker sat up and she moved so their eyes met, 'I will go wherever you go,' he took both her hands in his. 'I can't live without you and if that means going back to the Alliance then I guess that's what I'll do.' He smirked at her before adding, 'that's assuming you're willing to break the frat regs.'

'We haven't gone back and you're already asking me to break the rules,' she raised her eyebrows at him.

'It's not like you haven't done it before,' he shrugged and she laughed.

'Of course I would, for you,' she reached up and cupped his face, 'but I told Anderson that was one of the conditions for me coming back, that our relationship is non-negotiable. He couldn't see a problem, except we might have to get you promoted.'

He scoffed loudly, 'don't think I fit into their idea of an officer.'

'Maybe not, but you'd certainly liven up the formal dinners.'

'So I'm only good for entertainment value,' he feigned hurt and she giggled.

'Of, course,' she pulled herself up and straddled his lap, his hands automatically cupping her behind as she rested on her knees. 'I find you very entertaining.'

She closed the gap between them and Joker was lost in the taste of her, the softness of her lips, the tenderness of her touch. His body responded the only way it knew how.

'Commander, I am sorry for interrupting but either yourself or Mr Moreau are needed on the bridge.'

'What is it, EDI?' Shepard sighed as she pulled back.

'Operative Lawson is insisting that I unlock the bridge controls so Mr Hadley can practice,' there was a pause before she added, 'I do not believe that this is a good idea.'

'What the hell…' Shepard stood up angrily.

'I'll go,' Joker took hold of her shoulders and she met his gaze. 'I can handle Miranda, you need to get some rest, especially if you're going out to help Thane with his problem.'

'Okay, but the minute she gets difficult you call me.' She pulled him in for a kiss and he really didn't want to leave.

'I will, but I can beat her down with my ultimate charm,' he grinned as she shook her head. 'Rest, I'd rather you weren't exhausted while carrying a gun.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute as he headed for the door.

Joker stepped out of the elevator and Chambers turned to watch him walk through the CIC, he guessed that the smile she was giving him was supposed to be sensual or sexy. In his eyes it made her look like a predator and he really didn't want her to sink her teeth into him. But, Shepard had asked so he obliged.

'Chambers,' he nodded and met her gaze as he moved past her. He managed to cover the shiver that passed through him as her smile widened. _Ugh! Shepard, you owe me big time._

'I am the Operative in charge of this ship, you will obey me!'

Joker smirked as Miranda's voice echoed around the bridge. She was not happy, in fact she was almost red in the face and he almost laughed. She was supposed to be a smart woman and here she was arguing with a computer. He shook his head and stepped up behind her.

'Why are you on my bridge?' Joker almost laughed as she jumped.

'Your bridge, this is a Cerberus vessel and you take orders from me.' The anger in her words and her complete disregard for Shepard raised his own hackles.

'I take my orders from Shepard,' he glared at her then glanced at Hadley who was sitting in his seat. 'Out, now.'

'No problem,' Hadley almost tripped he was in such a rush.

'Stay there,' Miranda put her hand on his chest. 'Just who do you think you are? You might have served with Shepard when you were in the Alliance but on a Cerberus ship there is one Operative who gives the orders.'

'That is incorrect, Operative Lawson,' EDI spoke up.

'What?' Miranda stared daggers at the blue orb.

'Shepard was put in command by The Illusive Man, you are her XO. The correct chain of command puts you under Shepard. Mr Moreau is the Helmsman, he also acts as the Navigator since we do not have a qualified person on board. He has the equivalent status of Flight Lieutenant which gives him control of the bridge. Any order you issue for him must come from Shepard.'

'What? I…..' Miranda was flustered and she didn't know where to look. 'We'll see about that.'

Joker watched with a smirk as she stormed from the bridge before turning to Hadley, 'you can leave now, how about we go through some procedures later.'

'Sure,' Hadley sighed, obviously relieved as he returned to his post.

'Miss Chambers is approaching,' EDI warned him as he slid into his seat.

Joker felt pressure on his chair as Chambers stopped behind him. She was slowly leaning towards him and he couldn't help but tense up. Just as her face appeared before him EDI spoke up.

'Miss Chambers, you are required in the Crew Quarters, Crewman Rolston is quite distressed.'

'Of course,' Chambers smiled at Joker, running her fingers up his arm, 'I'll come back.'

'Yep,' Joker nodded and gave a relieved sigh as she walked away. 'EDI?'

'Crewman Rolston is currently in the shower, I'm quite sure Miss Chambers will find him.' The AI almost sounded cheerful.

'Thanks, EDI,' Joker chuckled. 'What are you going to do when we run out of crew who need her help?'

'I doubt that problem will arise.'

'I hope not,' Joker shivered, 'I don't think I can last that long.'

* * *

Joker watched the feed from Shepard's suit. This mission to help Thane wasn't overly dangerous but it was taking all her concentration as she tried to keep track of Kolyat, Thane's son. If they lost him then Thane lost his chance to save him. His thoughts wandered as he relaxed into his seat.

He was glad he hadn't had to deal with Chambers too much. She had cornered him in the mess and again in the CIC, feigning interest in him, but only if there was a chance that Shepard would appear, otherwise she left him alone. To Joker it was obvious what she was doing and he wondered if she was too stupid to realise it. He was relatively safe on the bridge, every time she came close EDI would send her off on some wild goose chase after a crew member who needed her. The amount of running about she'd been doing was better than any exercise routine, she should probably thank them for keeping her in shape.

A few times though she'd hesitated long enough to rub her hand up his arm or across his shoulder, she'd even bent down to kiss him but EDI had insisted she attend to her duty. He'd almost flinched at her touch and he felt like he needed a shower even after such a brief encounter, he really did not like that woman. He guessed she was catching on to what EDI was doing but so far she hadn't said anything, although she and Miranda had been constantly on the coms. EDI had stayed true to her word and all the com logs were sent directly to Shepard.

Miranda was not happy, obviously her conversation with the Illusive Man had not gone the way she expected. Shepard had also left her with a list of reports and issues to be dealt with along with orders to restock the mess and armoury while they were docked. All of which had to be done before Shepard returned from the current mission as they were heading out to Haestrom once she was back on board. Joker had heard her yelling at a delivery worker as the supplies were loaded into the hold. He covered his grin as she stormed towards the airlock, mumbling something about not being Shepard's lackey, incompetent shop owners and ignorant people. The tension on the ship dropped enormously as she stepped onto the dock.

Joker realised he hadn't spoken to Shepard about Kaidan and he figured he should sooner rather than later. The thought of going back to the Alliance was daunting, he hadn't left on the best of terms and he wondered if Anderson could work around that. He was curious about what would happen if the Alliance wouldn't allow him back, would Shepard go back or would she stay with him. Of course they could have a relationship if he wasn't taken back but the thought of not seeing her for long periods of time, not flying, or her not flying with him as her pilot made his stomach churn. He couldn't trust anyone else to have her life in their hands. He was the best and he'd killed her.

'Joker, we're heading back. Be ready to leave for Haestrom.' Shepard's voice brought him out of his thoughts.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he immediately went to work.

'How we doing, Joker?' Shepard asked as she walked onto the bridge a short time later.

'Course laid in, just waiting on the last of the supplies to be loaded, should be ready to go in about thirty minutes.' He spun his chair so he could see her. 'I'm guessing Thane saved his son.'

'Yeah, it was a bit close and I think it was a little harder than Thane expected but hopefully things will get better. Everything good here?'

'Yep, smooth sailing. Miranda's been a bitch to just about everyone, cursing about being your lackey and generally making life miserable, but damn it's funny.' He watched as she rolled her shoulder, 'still giving you problems?'

'Sometimes, considering it's the one they didn't rebuild. Guess it's just worn out from use.'

'Or you could just be getting old, you'll be walking with a cane soon,' he laughed as she leaned on her hip and glared at him.

'You're older than me,' she smirked.

'Am not!'

'I'm not counting the two years I was dead,' she laughed as he struggled to find an answer. 'That makes you older than me,' she licked her finger and dragged it down through the air.

'Not fair,' he shook his head with a groan.

'Shepard.' Miranda stormed onto the bridge, 'I would appreciate it if you gave the menial tasks to someone else, having to deal with incompetence is unacceptable.'

'Miranda,' Shepard turned to face her and Joker could feel the anger that flowed off her. 'You are my XO, when I give you an order I expect it to be followed, without argument, and to the letter. Is that understood?'

'Yes, but….'

'No buts. If you are not happy to be in that position the airlock is behind you.' Shepard was in Commander mode and more than one battle hardened soldier had withered under her stare.

'You can't …' Miranda stuttered.

'This is my ship, I am in command, as I am sure the Illusive Man made quite clear during your last conversation with him. The fact that you doubted my ability and tried to convince him that you should take control I will ignore for now. If you have a problem you come to me, even if that problem is with me.' Shepard sighed and relaxed, 'Miranda, we both understand what's at stake here. I need to know I can trust you to do your job and not continue to simply act as a Cerberus spy, you're better than that. You are in no danger while you are part of my crew, is that understood.'

'Yes, Sh… Commander,' Miranda almost sounded contrite as she pulled herself erect, nodded at Shepard and walked away.

'Dismissed,' Shepard muttered and shook her head, this definitely was not an Alliance ship.

'Damn, I was hoping she'd take the airlock option,' Joker moaned as he spun his seat back to the controls, acknowledging the all clear from the hold.

'As much as I hate to say it, we need her, she a good soldier. All I have to do is get her over her belief in Cerberus.'

'Good luck with that,' Joker snickered as he manoeuvred the Normandy out of the dock and headed for the relay.

Shepard sighed deeply as she leaned against his chair and dropped her hand onto his shoulder. 'I hate this mistrust and deceit. We're all on the same mission, why can't we just get it done. Why do I feel like I'm in a battle even when I'm on the ship.' There was a tremor in her voice as she looked down at him and he could see the frustration and exhaustion in her eyes. 'I'm glad I have you to keep me sane.'

'I'm here for you, babe,' he wrapped his fingers around her gloved hand, 'always.'

'Thank you,' she whispered, her eyes moist and he was sure he felt a shake in her hand.

'Hey,' he turned his chair and got to his feet, 'come here.' He pulled her as close as he could while she was still in her armour, close enough for her to drop her head onto his shoulder. 'We'll get through this together, we'll make it.' He kissed her hair. 'How can we not, you blow stuff up, Garrus has the really big guns, Kasumi can steal stuff and Jack can kill people, Grunt can squash a few Geth and Zaeed can curse them to death. Jacob and Miranda can do what they do, you know, throw people around and shoot them.' He grinned as she chuckled, 'and I can fly you there in style, save your ass when necessary and help you relax.'

'I like that last bit,' she pulled back and met his eyes, lifting her hand to his face and he desperately wished she'd taken off her glove so he could feel skin.

'Me too,' he kissed her tenderly before releasing his hold. 'You need to get out of your armour and get some rest.'

'We have another problem to take care of and I'm fed up of waiting,' she laughed as he rolled his eyes and groaned. 'Once we're through the relay meet me in the mess, I haven't eaten for a while.'

'Okay, are we doing this now?'

'The sooner the better, I don't want to have to worry about you being taken advantage of.'

'You can take advantage any time you like,' he smouldered and she shivered.

'Not fair,' she chuckled and stepped back before turning reluctantly and walking away.

Joker watched her leave then slid back into his seat. He was worried about Shepard, she seemed to be constantly tired. The added stress from Miranda and Chambers wasn't helping so he agreed that the sooner they got it sorted the better, he just wasn't looking forward to it.

'Joker, can you join me in the hangar bay asap,' Shepard's voice echoed around the bridge sometime later and Joker frowned.

'Aye, aye, ma'am, about ten minutes.' He completed the last of his system checks after passing through the relay before handing control over to EDI. 'Wonder what's going on?' He muttered as he stood up.

'Miss Chambers has been listening and is watching your movements,' EDI informed him. 'Commander Shepard and Garrus are both in the hangar bay.'

'Okay,' Joker sighed and left the bridge, suggesting to Hadley that he take the opportunity to sit in the pilot's chair, but not to touch anything.

He felt the rush of air as Chambers slipped into the elevator behind him and he tried to fight the chill that seemed to have invaded his bones. The moment the elevator moved Chambers brushed herself against him, not bothering with conversation just wrapping her arms around his neck and planting her lips on his. He instinctively went to push her away but the elevator was already opening.

'What the fuck …. Again!' Shepard and Garrus were standing just outside. 'I've had enough of this,' Shepard bellowed, grabbed Chambers by the collar and dragged her onto the hangar deck.

'What the hell, Joker,' Garrus grabbed the pilot and dragged him out as well. 'I warned you about hurting Shepard.'

'Hey, it wasn't my fault,' Joker tried to sound convincing but one look at the terror on Chambers' face made him want to laugh.

'What the fuck are you doing Chambers?' Shepard was dragging her towards a weapons bench where she picked up a pistol and started waving it around. 'He's mine, haven't you realised that. I protect what's mine.'

'It wasn't my fault,' Chamber whined, her eyes wide and her face bereft of colour.

'It fucking looked like it from where I stood,' Shepard was in her face, waving the pistol around like a madwoman. 'Should I shoot you or throw you out the airlock?'

'Maybe I should break some bones, Shepard,' Garrus gave Joker a gentle shake to emphasise his point.

'You know, I'm fed up of this.' Shepard started pacing, stopping every now and then to wave the pistol at Chambers for emphasis. 'I've done my best to try and get you people to like me, I've helped with personal problems and I've taken the time to get to know you all. Is it too much to ask that you give me the same respect, that you trust me.' She stopped and looked at Garrus who nodded. 'All I want is a crew that I can work with, people who have my back, will help me. But what do I get?'

She spun to face Chambers, her eyes wide and an angry smirk on her face, waving her pistol around the woman's face, 'people who only want to stab me in the back, make my life miserable, destroy the only true happiness I've ever had in my life.' She stopped and took a deep breath and Joker was a little concerned that this was affecting her more than she had let on.

'Maybe I should just shoot you all and be done with it,' Shepard started pacing again. 'Maybe I should just throw you all out the airlock and take the ship, become the pirate Jack wants me to be. Or I could just find a beach somewhere and let the universe go to hell,' she glanced at Garrus again, 'that actually sounds pretty good.'

'Sure does,' Garrus agreed with a chuckle.

'What makes me really angry is that I'm being asked to go a mission that may kill me,' she dropped her head and gazed at the floor, there was a tremor in her voice when she continued. 'I wasn't even allowed to die in peace.'

Joker felt his heart crack at the thought of her death and he felt Garrus's talon move from his collar to his shoulder and squeeze gently.

'I've had enough,' Shepard growled angrily, pulled herself upright, suddenly very serious, and turned to face Chambers, 'I think the shooting option is the one I'll go with and I'll start with you.' She raised the pistol, aimed it at Chambers' head and flicked off the safety.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed or favourited, I'm glad you're enjoying it. Sorry, had planned to get this up so you weren't left on the cliff for too long, things got in the way. Anyway, here it is and hopefully the next one won't be far behind. Time for some angst, it can't always be smooth sailing. ;p Enjoy.

* * *

_You're missing that one final screw  
You're simply not in the pink my dear  
To be honest you haven't got a clue  
I'm going slightly mad_

_It finally happened - I'm slightly mad_

_Queen  
_

* * *

Joker watched as Shepard lifted her pistol, slowly aiming at the woman's head. The safety clicked off and suddenly he was truly concerned, especially when he heard Garrus gasp beside him. They both took a step forward.

'Shepard.' They spoke in unison.

'What?' She spoke without looking at them, her finger resting on the trigger.

'Maybe this has gone far enough,' Garrus spoke softly, fear that maybe she had finally broken running through his mind.

'Commander,' Joker stepped up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged him off roughly. Now he was really worried. She was tired, exhausted actually, and angry. Not a good combination.

'If I shoot her that's one problem solved,' Shepard shrugged and glanced at them, the look in her eyes made them step back. 'I'm only protecting what's mine.'

'No. please,' Chambers cowered and whimpered. 'I was under orders.'

'Orders to do what?' Shepard growled, the pistol still aimed at Chambers' face, 'and from whom?'

'To come between you, break you up so you'd get back on mission and not side tracked,' Chambers was almost crying now and Joker wished he could feel sorry for her.

'Shepard! What are you doing?' Miranda rushed out of the elevator trailed by Jacob.

'Taking back control of my ship,' Shepard glanced at her, resumed waving her pistol about and began pacing again before continuing her tirade. 'I'm taking back my life. Letting everyone know who's in command, making sure no-one interferes again.' She stood before Chambers, once more holding the pistol to the woman's head, 'whose orders?'

'Mine, Shepard! She was under orders from me,' Miranda stepped up to Shepard, making sure not to get between Chambers and the pistol. Her face was pale and her hands shaking, finally realising that she had no control. She was no longer in a Cerberus cell and it frightened her. 'It's my fault. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interfered, I should have spoken to you about my concerns.'

Jacob moved to stand beside Joker and Garrus who were still trying to decide if Shepard was serious or not as Miranda tried to calm her down. They both glanced at him and shrugged but he realised quickly what was going on and covered his mouth to hide his grin. Miranda heard him grunt and looked at the three males through narrowed eyes.

'You knew,' she looked at Shepard in amazement, 'you knew what was going on.'

'What?' Chambers looked from one to the other, her eyes widening in disbelief.

'Of course I knew,' she tried to hold back the laughter that threatened but failed miserably, it only added to the maniacal behaviour.

'You, …. But how?' Chambers looked at Joker who shrugged.

'Why the charade?' Miranda frowned.

'Because I wanted to see how far you'd go, because I'm not as fucking stupid as you seem to think I am. For someone who claims to know me you really don't know me at all.' Shepard placed the pistol back on the bench, her laughter stopped and her Commander face obvious. 'Chambers, if you ever touch Joker again I will shoot you then throw you out the airlock, is that clear?'

'Yes,' she stammered and ran for the elevator, almost tripping in her haste to escape.

Joker and Garrus were grinning openly now and even Jacob was chuckling at the mixture of relief and panic on the woman's face as she disappeared behind the closing doors.

'You've probably traumatised her for life,' Joker chuckled and Shepard laughed.

'At least she won't bother you anymore.'

'What is it you humans say, she needs to change her underwear,' Garrus laughed.

'She shit herself, Garrus, much easier,' Joker corrected in between sniggers.

'That was unnecessary, Shepard,' Miranda scowled as she realised Jacob was not surprised.

'No!' Shepard spun to face her angrily. 'What was unnecessary was you interfering in my relationship, my command of this ship and my life. It's off limits, do you understand. And if I have to have another conversation with you about obeying orders, staying out of my personal life or anything else other than mission briefings I will remove you from this ship, is that clear.' The wide eyes and pursed lips made Miranda flinch as she nodded and quickly headed for the elevator.

'That went well,' Jacob commented.

'Thank you, Jacob for giving us a warning and not bowing down to Miranda's paranoia.' Shepard nodded at him.

'No problem,' he smiled, 'I wish I'd been in on the joke though.'

'Right, now that's over with we can get back to work,' she hooked her arm through Joker's, 'although I still haven't eaten so, lunch.'

'Hey, I'm not going to get on your bad side, you might wave a gun in my face too,' he grinned as she scowled at him.

'Remember that,' she poked him gently in the chest, 'You'd better keep me happy.'

'Yes, ma'am,' he whispered huskily and she gasped. Damn he loved this woman.

* * *

Four days. That's how long it had been since Joker had spent any time with or even seen Shepard unless she was moving away, which was no mean feat considering they were inside a ship travelling at FTL. He'd come to the conclusion that she was avoiding him. Four days that felt like a lifetime and he couldn't work out why. What have I done wrong? He thought back to four days earlier.

'_Hey you,' he been propped on his elbow watching Shepard sleep, he loved how relaxed and free she looked._

'_Hey yourself,' she smiled as she stretched lazily. 'Is it time to get up already?'_

'_Yep, you have to go and be the big bad Commander,' he leaned down and kissed her lightly. 'And I have to go be the handsome pilot.'_

'_How come you get the fun job?' He laughed as she pouted at him._

'_Just lucky,' he pulled her in close for a hug._

'_You know I'll never want to leave if you keep that up.'_

'_All part of my master plan,' he gave an evil chuckle, 'to keep you locked in my lair.'_

'_I thought this was my lair,' she laughed and moaned as he rolled away._

'_So it is,' he grinned, 'so I'd better escape while I can.' He ran his fingers down her side and as she was squirming away he moved to the edge of the bed and stood up. 'Race you for the shower.'_

'_No contest,' she dashed out of bed, slapping him on his bare ass as she moved past him._

'_Hey,' he watched as she pranced up the steps, waggling her fingers in a come on fashion. 'No fair!'_

'_You started this,' she giggled as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door._

Nothing out of the ordinary. They'd gone down for breakfast as they usually did and she'd gone to check her messages once they arrived on the Command deck. He'd continued to the bridge and hadn't really seen her since.

He'd waited for her to bring coffee as she often did during the morning but she never arrived. He'd assumed she'd been busy, it sometimes happened, she did have a ship to run. But she hadn't even contacted him on the com and that was unusual. He'd headed down for lunch, hoping to catch her and make sure she was okay but she was hunched over the table with Jack. He'd picked up a tray and turned to sit when she'd looked up at him.

The look in her eyes floored him. There was nothing but pain. Jack looked at him over her head and all he could see was pity. Before he could speak both of them turned back to the datapad they were hunched over. Joker silently gasped for breath. His chest was tight and he was sure someone had stabbed him through the heart. Pity and pain. Two things he never thought to see again. His appetite gone he disposed of his tray and returned to the bridge on shaky legs.

EDI had questioned his return but he'd brushed her off. His mind was reeling, total confusion reigned. Surely he'd misunderstood, there had to be another reason for it. Maybe it was something her and Jack were discussing. His shift took forever to finish and even when he was due to go of duty he balked. He was afraid. In his entire life he had never had anything as valuable or precious to him as his relationship with Shepard. The thought that he may have done something to jeopardise it scared the crap out of him. He was afraid to find Shepard, afraid she would tell him what he didn't want to hear.

Eventually though he knew he had to face whatever was going on so he'd headed for Shepard's quarters. His heart was pounding in his chest and he found it hard to breathe as he opened the door. She wasn't there.

'EDI, where is Commander Shepard?'

'The Commander is in Life Support with Mr Krios.'

'Do you know how long she will be?'

'No, but she has advised that she is unavailable for at least the next hour.' Joker was sure the AI was trying not to hurt his feelings.

His hands were shaking as he hit the elevator control to take him back to the bridge. His legs were as heavy as his heart as he slipped back into his seat, hoping that Shepard would come and get him when she was finished. But she didn't.

Three interminable days later he'd seen her three times and she'd fled in what appeared to be panic when he'd tried to talk to her. He sent messages and either got short, curt replies or none at all. Whenever he asked EDI where she was she was unavailable, she'd been spending much of her time closeted away in Life Support with Thane or down in the bowels of the ship with Jack. She was definitely avoiding him and he still didn't know why. It was killing him.

He hadn't eaten, he wasn't sleeping, he hadn't been back to Shepard's quarters since that first night so he was back to sleeping in his chair. It didn't help that she hadn't come looking for him. His hands were shaking and he constantly felt like he needed to throw up. EDI had questioned his medical condition and he managed to make some excuse, but it wouldn't last much longer. There was a constant pain in his chest and his head pounded but he tried to ignore both.

If their relationship had ended he truly believed that Shepard would tell him. She wouldn't just leave him hanging, in pain. She couldn't be that cruel. But more and more he began to doubt even that. The more she hid herself away, spent time with Thane, the more he started to believe that he had been right all along. He wasn't enough for her. His eyes burned constantly with unshed tears.

He forced himself to concentrate on flying. They were approaching Haestrom and he couldn't afford to make a mistake during an orbital insertion. For the first time in his life he was failing. He failed to keep Shepard and now even his flying skills were in question. For the first time ever he questioned his own ability. _He should never have let her in. _The sound of boots behind him made him jump and he realised that Shepard was coming towards him. Maybe she'd come to let him know what was going on, why she'd been avoiding him. Then he heard the soft footfalls of Thane.

'Status,' Shepard spoke from behind him but there was no pressure on his chair. She hadn't come that close.

'Orbital insertion commencing,' he fought to keep the tremor out of his voice and his hands steady.

'Commander, the sun is emitting high levels of solar radiation. Any exposure to direct sunlight will reduce your shields and affect your health.' EDI informed them.

'Guess we need the sunscreen then or stay in the shade,' Shepard quipped but there was no humour in it. 'Do Drell get sunburnt?'

'No, siha, the oils in our skin prevent it.'

Joker's heart shattered. _Siha? A term of endearment? Did she have to rub it in?_ He didn't see the worn, haggard look, the emotional and physical exhaustion on Shepard's face. He didn't even glance at her, he couldn't. All he heard was her voice, her words and the response from Thane. It was as if he wasn't in the room. He slammed his hand down on the thruster control and hissed as the cracking of bone shot pain up his arm. Shepard reached out to grab his arm but he yanked it out of her reach as the ship lurched forward, the thrusters kicking in hard and fast. He rocked in his seat as Shepard fought to maintain her balance.

'Insertion complete,' he informed her through gritted teeth.

'You should get that hand checked out,' she spoke softly from behind him and for a moment he could hear the warmth in her voice.

'We should go, siha,' Thane's footsteps whispered across the deck.

He thought she was going to stay, to say something, but she turned and walked away. Joker dropped his head to his chest, glad of his cap as the brim hid the tears that rolled down his cheeks.

The pain in Joker's hand eventually forced him to his feet. On unsteady legs he entered the medbay.

'Joker,' Chakwas was instantly at his side, supporting him as she helped him to a bed. 'What's wrong?'

'Broke my hand,' he shrugged and held out the damaged appendage.

'Oh, Joker, how?' She was already at work scanning and applying medigel.

'Hit the console too hard.' His voice shook and she stopped what she was doing and looked at him.

'What's going on?'

'Wish I knew,' he sighed and dropped his head, fighting back tears. 'I guess it's over between Shepard and me I just wish she'd told me instead of avoiding me.'

'That doesn't sound like her, she would have told you.' Chakwas was frowning as she took in his ragged, tired appearance. 'Have you been sleeping and eating?'

'No, not really. Couldn't stomach food and my chair isn't comfortable long term, not that sleep comes easy. And I didn't want sympathy or pity from the crew if I went back to the crew quarters.' He stared out of the window and across the mess. 'I don't know what to do, doc. I lost her and I don't know why.' He gasped and a sob broke through.

'Joker,' Chakwas pulled him into a hug. 'Are you sure about Shepard? Are you sure there isn't something else happening?'

'She's spending her time with Thane,' he shuddered as he fought to control his emotions. 'I guess that's clear enough. She's been unavailable to me for the last four days.'

'That really doesn't sound like her,' Chakwas was genuinely puzzled as she completed the treatment on his hand.

'Yeah, well, that's the way it is.' He slid down from the bed, 'thanks doc.'

'Joker,' Chakwas called as he reached the door, 'You need to eat and sleep. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think, she loves you.'

'I thought so,' he shrugged sadly and left.

Joker stepped into Shepard's quarters and almost broke down. He'd come to get his things while Shepard was off the ship, he wasn't sure he could face her, wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she'd tell him. The fish tank glowed blue, the colours of the fish catching his eye and he remembered how happy she was when he bought them for her. He turned away as pain stabbed through his chest, his eyes coming to rest on the model of the SR-1 he bought for her and how they'd laughed as they put it together. He closed his eyes and swallowed back a sob. The happiest times of his life were here in this room. As he stepped up to the bed he couldn't hold back. His collapsed to his knees as his heart grieved for something that was no longer his.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Oh dear, seems my story angst stirred up reader angst. So I guess I did my job well, sorry. ;p Seriously though, we had to have angst somewhere. It wouldn't be a Shepard story without it. Blame it on my muse or my music, I'm not truly evil, really.

Anyway, here's the next bit. I've taken a bit of leeway with Omega, couldn't find a floor plan anywhere. Enjoy.

* * *

_If I seem edgy I want you to know  
That I never mean to take it out on you  
Life has its problems and I get my share  
And that's one thing I never meant to do  
Because I love you_

_Oh, Oh baby don't you know I'm human_  
_Have thoughts like any other one_  
_Sometimes I find myself long regretting_  
_Some foolish thing some little simple thing I've done_  
_But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good_  
_Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood_

_**The Animals - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood.**_

* * *

'Shepard, wake up!'

The voice was insistent. Shepard groaned and rolled over but hands shook her roughly. Joker, but he usually woke her up a little more gently.

'Shepard, you need to wake up.'

She knew that voice, not Joker, Miranda. She took a deep breath and forced her eyes open. There was a blurry figure leaning over her and she assumed it was Miranda. She rubbed her eyes, blinked and slowly her vision cleared.

'Shepard, what have you done?'

'What?' Her senses were a little slower to return. 'I've been asleep.' She sat up groggily, fighting to get her mind working.

She remembered coming back from Haestrom exhausted, remembered ordering Joker to set course for Omega. Wait, Joker hadn't been there, why? She'd asked EDI to tell him. She'd settled Tali in engineering, came up and had a shower and put her head down for five minutes. She'd promised herself she'd speak to Joker, it felt like forever since she'd seen him and she missed him. She'd put it off long enough. She glanced at the clock, she'd been asleep for almost eight hours. She sensed that the ship wasn't moving, which meant they were docked at Omega.

'What have you done?' Miranda asked again.

'Shepard,' Chakwas stormed into the room. 'You promised, Shepard!' The woman was almost in tears and Shepard pushed herself out of bed.

'Commander Shepard, due to your actions you have lowered the success rate of this mission, I now believe it will fail.' EDI's blue orb appeared and Shepard thought she sounded upset, angry. _When did I start thinking of the AI as a she?_

'What's going on?' She got to her feet and stretched and then something hit her. She glanced around, her mind quickly clearing. All Joker's stuff was gone. None of his shirts were hanging off the arm of the sofa, there were no socks on the floor.

'You promised you wouldn't break his heart,' Chakwas had a quiver in her voice and Shepard looked up at her.

'What are you talking about?'

'You don't know,' Miranda shook her head and laughed. 'After everything you did to protect your relationship and you successfully destroyed it alone.'

'I don't…..'

'Joker's gone, Shepard.' Chakwas clarified.

'What?' Shepard legs failed her and she dropped to the bed. Her stomach churned and she retched but there was nothing in her stomach to bring up. _What had she done? What had her cowardice done? _

'Mr Moreau left as soon as we were safely docked,' EDI added and Shepard felt the world drop out from under her.

'Why?' She struggled to get the word out. Her chest was being torn apart and pain like nothing she'd ever felt before ripped through her. _Why? Why hadn't she spoken to him sooner instead of avoiding him?_

She thought back over the last few days. Ever since she'd read that damn message. It had haunted her and the thought that she had to tell Joker had terrified her. She'd needed time, she needed to deal with her own fears so she could tell him the right way. He'd tried to speak to her but she'd been afraid of saying the wrong thing so she'd run away, she hadn't been ready.

'I believe Mr Moreau left a message on your omnitool.' EDI sounded miserable and Shepard glanced up at her before retrieving her omintool from the bedside table.

'Shepard,' Joker appeared on her screen, his eyes red and swollen, his skin pale and drawn. He looked terrible and she realised it was her fault. What had she done?

'I'm sorry for whatever I did to hurt you, or disappoint you or let you down. I don't know what I did and you wouldn't tell me. If I knew I could have at least tried to fix it.' He looked down and buried his head under his cap but she saw him tremble. 'I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to me, for five days Shepard, you could have at least let me know it was over between us.' He sobbed and the recording paused.

_Oh God! No!_ Shepard realised just what she'd done. _Five days? Five days! It wasn't that long! It couldn't have been that long. What was he supposed to think?_

'You know,' he sounded angry now and he looked up to face her, 'I could have dealt with it if you'd been honest with me but ignoring me and locking yourself away with Thane. That was cruel, Shepard. I never thought of you as cruel. I guess Thane can give you what you need, what I couldn't. I thought I could stay, be your friend, but I can't stay and watch you with someone else. You can't expect that of me.' He dropped his head again and he brushed his face with his hands. 'I hope you and Thane are happy, Shepard. Stay safe. I love you.' He sobbed as he shut down the recording.

_Fuck!_ The room around her spun as her mind fought the pain and turmoil. He thought she was with Thane. _Shit! Shit! Shit! How could she have been so stupid?_ She gasped for breath as she collapsed to the floor.

'Where?' She croaked, her voice refusing to work. She looked up at Miranda and Chakwas. 'Where is he?'

'We don't know, Shepard, we were hoping you might know where he'd go.' Chakwas helped her to her feet. 'Shepard, he's on Omega, alone.' The doctor's hands were trembling and Shepard's own fear took hold.

_Omega. Alone. He could already be dead in an alley somewhere._ She fought down panic. 'No, I….' she looked around in confusion. 'EDI, you can track his omnitool.' She looked up in hope.

'No, Shepard, I cannot.'

'Why not, I know you have tracers on our tools,' she ignored the frown from Miranda, 'please, EDI.'

'I cannot Shepard, his omnitool is on your desk.'

'No….' Shepard wanted the pain to go away, she wanted to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers. There had to be a way. 'EDI, there has to be some way…..'

'Shepard, what's going on?' Garrus and Kasumi stood in the doorway. 'Is it true, Joker has left?'

Shepard could only nod, words wouldn't come. 'Help me, please,' it came out as a rough whisper, she couldn't think, couldn't focus.

'Shepard, what happened,' Garrus was across the room in two strides, gripping her shoulders.

'I was afraid,' she sobbed. 'I was afraid and I couldn't tell him. I couldn't cause him pain.'

'I think you've done worse than that,' Miranda scoffed and Chakwas glared at her.

'Afraid of what, Shepard,' Garrus ignored everyone around him.

'The Normandy, the first one. We have to go back, I knew that would hurt him. I panicked, thought if I didn't speak to him for while I could find a way to tell him.' She looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears and her hands shaking. 'I was a coward and I waited too long.' She clung to his arms, shaking, crying. Commander Shepard the warrior was long gone, all that was left was a woman whose heart was breaking.

'Oh, Shepard,' Chakwas sighed, 'you haven't given him enough credit, he would have dealt with it.'

'I know that,' Shepard admitted, 'now I know, it was my fear that held me back, I was afraid to go back, to witness where I died.' _Omega._ _Please don't let him be dead._

'Shepard,' EDI interrupted, 'I've found him. He just purchased passage on a freighter to Tiptree, he's going home.'

'Where,' Shepard stood up hurriedly. _He was alive._

'Docking bay S5, the ship leaves in twenty minutes.'

'You'll never make it, Shepard,' Miranda handed her the fatigues from the floor and watched as she dressed, it was clear to her now that if they didn't get Moreau back Shepard would give up, she'd have nothing to fight for. The Illusive Man be damned, they needed Shepard at her best. 'It's on the lower level docks, you'll need at least fifteen minutes to make it to the nearest transport stop and at least another ten to the docks on foot.'

'There has to be a way,' Chakwas looked from one to the other.

'I can get you there quicker,' Kasumi grabbed Shepard's hand and dragged her to the elevator. 'As long as you can take a high speed ride.'

'Just get me there, please,' Shepard pleaded. She was finding it hard to breathe, her heart was racing as adrenaline cursed through her system.

Kasumi grabbed the nearest transport once they were off the ship and headed straight for the central hub of Omega. Garrus had followed them and he guessed where she was heading. The maintenance shafts. There were high speed elevators there, it would take roughly twelve minutes in a direct freefall but the safeties would have to be overwritten. Then they'd have to hope for a transport for the five minute ride to the docks. He glanced at Kasumi who nodded as if reading his thoughts. It would be close.

Shepard followed Kasumi without a word, running as if her life depended upon it. Actually it did. If she lost Joker she had no one to fight for, to live for. She fought back sobs as she ran, she'd been stupid and now it could cost her the most important thing she'd ever had. _Please, Jeff, please, don't go. Please._ It was a silent plea, a prayer and she hoped with every fibre of her being that he heard her. She could fix this, she could, as long as he was around for her to do it. She almost crashed into Kasumi who had stopped before an elevator and was working frantically on her omnitool.

'We'll get to him, Shepard,' Garrus placed his hand on her shoulder and she looked at him through red swollen eyes.

'EDI,' Shepard suddenly had a thought. 'Can you stop the ship from leaving?'

'I can try,' EDI came back, 'I will do what I can.'

'Thank you,' Shepard hung on to the hope.

'Let's go,' Kasumi led them into the small elevator. It was cramped, Garrus was armoured and carrying his weapons so he took up a lot of room. 'This will be fast,' Kasumi warned as she hacked the controls.

'Just do it,' Shepard nodded as she grabbed the security rail for balance.

'Here we go,' Kasumi flicked a switch and the floor fell away beneath them for a second before they caught up.

Shepard felt her stomach flip as the elevator fell down the shaft, picking up speed. Five minutes passed and they were still falling. Kasumi flashed up her omnitool and Shepard felt the elevator start to slow. Eleven minutes and they almost fell out of the door before it was completely open. Shepard looked around for a transport but there were none. Her heart was breaking as she realised they wouldn't make it. She dropped to her knees, dreading the thought of going on without him.

'Shepard!' Kasumi brought her out of her thoughts, 'over here.' She'd found a transport and was overriding the safeties to get extra speed.

Shepard watched Omega fly by beneath them as they hurried to the docks. They weren't going to make it. But she had to try. She was out the door before Kasumi had landed, running like she'd never run before.

'EDI, which way,' she gasped and EDI brought up a directional arrow on her omnitool. Two minutes. Two minutes before she lost him for good.

Shepard reached the dock in time to see the freighter pulling away. 'No!' She came to a crashing halt at the airlock, her hand clawing at the window as she watched the ship disappear into FTL. 'No,' she sobbed as she collapsed to the ground, curled up against the door.

That was how Garrus and Kasumi found her, lying against the door sobbing. They were both gasping for breath and took a moment to gather their strength. Garrus knew getting Shepard back to the Normandy wasn't going to be easy. He watched as she knocked her head against the metal of the door, her fingers splayed out, her legs folded beneath her. Her sobs were heartbreaking to witness.

'No,' she moaned. 'No, Jeff, I love you.' She raised her head, 'I'm sorry.' She yelled the last, as if her words would carry to the long gone ship.

'Shepard?' Garrus and Kasumi spun at the sound and they gaped in surprise before grinning like idiots. Shepard hadn't heard him. 'Shepard?' Louder this time, and this time she heard him.

'Joker!' She sobbed and looked at him in disbelief. 'I thought you were gone.' She tried to stand but her legs gave out so she scrambled across the room.

'Not yet, changed my flight. Couldn't go home, too many questions.' He slowly got to his feet. 'What are you doing here?'

Shepard didn't get to answer. Joker stumbled forward and crashed to the floor.

* * *

Everyone on the dock avoided the dishevelled, despondent man tucked into the corner of the boarding room. There was an aura around him that made others give him a wide berth. Joker didn't notice. He sat and stared at the floor, he'd booked passage but he couldn't go home. He couldn't face his family, their pity. He changed his flight at the last minute for one to the Citadel, he could disappear from there, maybe go back to Mars, get his old job back.

If he was honest he didn't care, leave or stay right where he was, what did it matter. The fact that he was on Omega, the hub of everything bad, didn't even enter into his thoughts. He didn't know where he wanted to go only that he needed to go. Leaving the Normandy had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. With everything he'd gone through in his life he'd never felt pain like he had walking out of the airlock. Even the pain in his legs from the trip to the dock was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.

He sat in the corner, slouched over his knees his face buried in his hands. The tears had stopped a while ago but the pain only got worse. And he still didn't know why, what he'd done. His throat tightened and as much as he'd cried he felt tears building again. He'd never felt so alone, so abandoned. Everyone and everything he loved had been on the Normandy. How could he go on from that? He could go back, deal with the pain. He scoffed silently, how was he supposed to do that?

He heard the doors close and the ship undock and knew he had another hour to wait for his ride. The sound of his name made him look up and his eyes widened in surprise. He watched as Shepard sobbed and called out. She thought he'd left. But why? She'd made it obvious she didn't want him, ignored him and avoided him. So why was she here? Understanding suddenly dawned, she needed a pilot and Miranda probably couldn't get one here any time soon. He couldn't do it, couldn't go back and watch her be happy with someone else. She had to understand that.

'Shepard?' He called softly, his voice hoarse and his throat dry. She hadn't heard him. He swallowed hard. 'Shepard?'

She raised her head at the sound of his voice and the pain and anguish on her face only made his suffering worse. Her eyes were red and swollen and she struggled to get to her feet but failed so she scrambled across the floor towards him.

'Joker!' She looked at him in disbelief. 'I thought you were gone.'

'Not yet, changed my flight. Couldn't go home, too many questions.' He slowly got to his feet. 'What are you doing here?'

She opened her mouth to answer but the only thing Joker saw was the floor coming up to greet him.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: So here's the how, where, when and why stuff. And I'll be nice, no more angst for a while - really ;) Although making up can be fun. Anyway, thanks again to everyone reading etc, hope you continue to enjoy.**

* * *

Joker slowly opened his eyes to the familiar dull grey of the Normandy medbay. They'd brought him back. Now he had to go through the pain of leaving all over again. A cry caught in his throat, he didn't know if he had the strength to do it twice.

'Jeff,' he turned to see Dr Chakwas standing beside his bed, her eyes moist. 'You had us worried for a while.'

'Hey, doc,' he moved to sit up but she stopped him. 'Can't make it easy for you.'

'A truer word was never said. What the hell did you think you were doing?' She checked him over with her scanner. 'When was the last time you ate?'

'A few days ago,' he shrugged and was surprised how much it hurt. 'What's the damage?'

'You're lucky, Garrus caught you before you hit the deck. You might have a few bruises but nothing's broken. You've been unconscious for several hours while we got some fluids and nutrients into you.' She propped herself on the edge of the bed, 'talk to me, Jeff. What were you thinking?'

'I couldn't stay and watch her with someone else,' he dropped his gaze to his hands. 'She can't expect me to do that.'

'I would never ask that of you,' Shepard stood in the doorway. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks, her eyes were still red and she sounded broken.

'Shepard,' Chakwas frowned at her, 'you're supposed to be resting, I let you out on that condition.'

'Sorry, doc, need to clear things up before I can sleep, I promise I'll go straight back to bed.' She was almost pleading so Chakwas sighed and nodded.

He watched her walk towards him, his heart aching, his hands itching to touch her. He sighed deeply and forced himself to ignore the pain and longing. He didn't notice Chakwas moving away, his gaze was trapped by the woman he loved, the woman he'd had and lost.

'I can't stay, Shepard. I can't watch you and Thane, it would kill me.' He looked at her through tired eyes. _I can't be near you and not have you, not be able to love you._

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' her words hitched in her throat and he watched as her eyes filled with tears. 'I was afraid and I let it control me.' She moved to the side of his bed and reached out to touch his hand but he flinched and she pulled back. 'I'm so sorry I hurt you, I never meant to. Time got away from me, I didn't realise. I was going to come and talk to you but I left it too late. I made a stupid mistake and I almost lost you.' Tears ran down her cheeks and she wiped them away.

'What about Thane?' It hurt to ask but he had to know.

'I'm not interested in Thane,' she looked him in the eye. 'There is no-one else for me but you, Jeff, there never will be. I only hope I haven't destroyed what we had.'

'So why were you spending so much time with him and avoiding me? What was I supposed to think, Shepard?' His heart raced as he started to realise that he'd misunderstood but his stomach churned as he knew how close he'd come to losing everything.

'I know, I can only say I'm sorry,' her eyes pleaded with him. 'Thane was teaching me to meditate, to gain some peace so I could get over my fear.'

'You could have come to me, Shepard.' He choked back a sob and looked away. _I thought you trusted me, believed in me, in us._

She gasped at the pain in his voice, 'Jeff, please,' she was fidgeting, nervous and he knew he would forgive her, he couldn't do anything else. But the hurt was still fresh, an open wound that needed cauterising.

'Why, Shepard? Everything was fine and then it wasn't. Why?' He sighed and dropped his head back onto the pillow. He was tired and it must have shown.

'I'm sorry, I'll let you get some rest.' She went to walk away.

'So you'll run away again, avoid me.' He raised his head to look at her.

'I didn't want to cause you pain, hurt you.'

'Well that worked out well,' he scoffed.

'Yeah,' she sighed and moved back to the bed, her hand resting on the sheet close to his. 'I'm not good at this relationship stuff,' she groaned and looked down at the bed, 'I got a message from Hackett, he wants me to go the SR-1 crash site to place a monument and find some missing dog tags.' She watched as he tensed and she could see the pain flashing across his face. 'I didn't want to tell you, I knew it would stir memories you've tried to forget. I was afraid, I didn't know if I could face the place where the SR-1 was destroyed, where I died, if you could without hating me for making you do it.'

'Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm a big boy, Shepard. You could have talked to me about it.' He shook his head, 'I think that's how this relationship stuff is supposed to work.' _He was an idiot, he should have made her talk to him, should have been more aware of her pain and not just his own. Yep, he was an idiot._

'I know that now,' she grimaced and he had to fight back a smile. 'I'm sorry I doubted you, didn't give you credit for coping with it. I know you're stronger than that. I was the weak one. I was afraid.'

Joker knew just how hard that was for her to admit, he could see the pain in her eyes, the trembling in her hands. He reached out and took her hand in his and she looked at him wide eyed. _Oh, Ari, don't you realise how much I love you?_ With a tired smile he pulled her in close and she eagerly wrapped her arms around him. He buried his nose in her hair and his heart softened, slowly healing.

'Does this mean you forgive me?'

'For being stupid,' he urged her up on to the bed. 'Promise me you'll never do anything like this again, that you'll come to me no matter what the problem. I love you more than life itself. The thought of being without you again killed me. I didn't want to live.'

'I know,' she snuggled into his chest with a relieved sigh. 'The thought that I'd lost you was unbearable. I've never felt pain like that before and I never want to feel it again. I promise not to shut you out again.'

'Of course you'll have to do penance,' he smiled into her hair.

'And I suppose you have something in mind,' she grinned and he chuckled.

'Most definitely.' He closed his eyes and felt her relax against him. 'We can do this, Ari, together.' He sighed softly as his head rested against hers.

Dr Chakwas glanced across from her desk and smiled at the sight of them both asleep. Everything was as it should be, thank goodness.

* * *

The next time Joker opened his eyes he found himself looking at the ceiling of Shepard's quarters. A feeling he knew all too well told him he'd been sedated, he'd obviously been moved from medbay so he assumed that was why. He felt warmth beside him and looked across to see Shepard curled up against him. Slowly he moved, he felt like he'd gone ten rounds with a Krogan but he wrapped his arm around her and she snuggled closer, still asleep. He'd come so close to losing her, all because he had been an idiot and not realised that she'd closed herself off. He should have seen it, it was her defence mechanism. He mentally slapped himself around the head, then did it again for good measure.

He buried his face in her hair and thanked all the deities he could think of for letting him have her back, not that he believed in that stuff, but just in case. He breathed in the scent of her, cherished the feel of her in his arms, the warmth of her body next to his. Never again, he never wanted to go through that again. He settled himself against her, holding tight, never wanting to let go.

'I love you,' he whispered into her hair as he closed his eyes and surrendered to sleep.

It was sometime later when he awoke to the feeling he was being watched. He opened his eyes to find Shepard resting on her elbow looking down at him, her fingers resting gently on his cheek, her eyes moist with tears.

'Hey you,' he whispered sleepily, took her hand in his and kissed her palm tenderly.

'Hey yourself,' she turned his hand over and copied his movement.

'What's wrong?' He rolled onto his hip so he could see her clearly, his arm still around her back as he cupped her face in his other hand.

'I love you,' she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

'And that's wrong,' he raised an eyebrow at her.

'No,' she chuckled, 'that's the only thing in this world that's not.' She kissed him lightly before meeting his eyes. 'I guess I only truly realised how much when I almost lost you.' She trembled as tears threatened so he pulled her into his chest and wrapped her tightly in his arms.

'We were both idiots,' he sighed and kissed the top of her head. 'I promise right now that I will not let it happen again, even if I have to tie you to a chair to make you talk.'

'I didn't realise you were into kinky,' she giggled and he gave her a playful slap on the ass.

'I'm being serious here, it doesn't happen very often so let me have my moment.'

'Yes, sir,' she snuggled into his chest with a laugh.

'Seriously, Ari, you know you can come to me, right?'

'Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking,' she drew lazy circles on his chest as she spoke and he knew if she kept it up they wouldn't be talking for very long, there were things that needed to be said so he took her hand in his. 'I panicked, it just threw me and didn't know what to do. Great isn't it, Commander Shepard downed by an email. Wonder if that will make the history books.'

'Hey,' he lifted her face so he could look at her, 'I've told you before, you're only human, yeah you're close to being super human but you still have a heart and mind that has to deal with this shit.'

She rolled her eyes at him, 'super human, really?'

'Well you can whoop my ass,' he grinned at her, 'so that makes you super human in my book. Not to mention that you head butt Krogans, take down Collectors and generally make people scared of you.'

'But you're already fragile so that's not fair and I don't make people scared of me.'

'And I've noticed that you've changed the subject.' He chuckled as she shrugged. 'Not getting out of it that easy. Shep….. Ari, I need to know you won't shut me out again. I need to know that you can talk to me, come to me, no matter what.'

'I promise to do my best to try,' she sighed and he knew that was the best he would get. 'I told you I'm not good at relationships, I haven't had a lot of practice.'

'Neither have I but I'm working on it.'

'I have a request though,' she grinned at him, 'will you kiss me now.'

'Damn right I will,' he grinned back, closing his eyes as he narrowed the gap between them.

The softness of her lips, the taste of her, the warmth of her sent him into a state of euphoria unlike anything he'd ever felt before. It was like their first kiss all over again and he cherished it, revelled in it and allowed his heart to soar. He'd never wanted anything in his life as much as he wanted to stay in that moment forever. She moaned softly against his lips and he knew she felt the same way. It was a perfect kiss, a perfect moment, it would stay in his memory as long as he lived.

'Commander,' EDI sounded apologetic for interrupting.

Slowly they parted, the passion in their eyes matching the passion in their kiss. Their eyes locked, fingers softly brushed cheeks, hearts beat as one and the love they felt was overwhelming. It took their breath away, made them both gasp at the strength of it.

'Commander?'

'Yes, EDI,' Shepard replied softly, her eyes never leaving his.

'I apologise for intruding but Dr Chakwas is asking for permission to enter.'

'Let her in, EDI,' she brushed his lips softly before propping herself up on the pillows.

Joker stayed right where he was. Things would be clearly obvious if he rolled onto his back and even though Chakwas was his doctor there were some things that she didn't need to see. He linked his fingers with Shepard's as the door opened to allow entry.

'Shepard, Jeff,' Chakwas looked at the two of them from the upper level of Shepard's quarters and a smile broke out as she approached the bed. 'Well, you both look better.'

'Hey doc,' Joker almost sounded sheepish and Chakwas laughed at him.

'Doctor, what's the prognosis,' Shepard chuckled.

'That you two are the most thick headed, stubborn people I have ever met.' There was warmth and caring in her voice and the two of them grinned at her. 'If either of you ever let yourselves get into that state again I will declare you both insane and have you committed, is that clear.'

'Yes, ma'am,' they said together.

'Joker, really, not eating for nearly five days then walking so far, it's no wonder you collapsed. Not to mention not sleeping for just as long. And you Shepard, I know you have deprivation training but that was too much even for you.' She shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed, running her omnitool over both of them.

'So you knocked us out?' Shepard tried to look serious but failed, she was happier than she'd been in a while and she couldn't hide it.

'Yes I did,' Chakwas checked her readings, 'and I'd do it again without hesitation.' She looked from one to the other and shook her head, 'well, you both appear to be almost back to normal. I will have someone bring you up a tray and you'd better eat everything on it and I expect to see you in the mess for every meal, is that understood.'

'Yes doctor,' Joker chuckled. 'How long were we out?'

'Two days,' she grinned and shook her head. 'Miranda is not happy, she's been trying to control the crew but some of them have been giving her a headache.'

'Guess we'd better get back to work,' Shepard sighed and gently squeezed Joker's fingers.

'I haven't cleared you to return to duty yet,' Chakwas reminded her. 'I think we can spare one more day, you can't fight Collectors if you're exhausted.'

'What about docking fees, we're on Omega so they're not cheap.'

'Funny you should mention that, Liara paid for it all and organised a stock delivery,' she laughed and added, 'that definitely didn't make Miranda happy, especially when she found out Garrus had let Liara know what was going on.'

Joker laughed, 'and what did TIM think of that?'

'I don't think he's happy either, Miranda has been in the briefing room several times.'

'Thanks doc,' Shepard reached out and pulled her in for a hug. 'I'm glad you're here.'

'Me too,' Joker sat up and joined in the hug, laughing as the two favourite women in his life fell against him.

'Okay, that's my cue to leave,' Chakwas laughed and stood up. 'I'll get a tray sent up.' She moved towards the door, 'and don't think I won't carry through on my threat if you don't take better care of yourselves.'

Joker watched the door close and looked at Shepard who had wriggled down beside him. 'So, have any idea how we'll pass the time,' he grinned as she ran her hand down his chest and onto his hip.

'I'm sure we'll think of something,' she gripped him harder and pulled him towards her. 'I have lots of movies to catch up on,' she chuckled as he scowled at her.

'Ari, you are an evil woman,' he was still grinning as he found her lips with his.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Seem the last couple of chapters have disappointed a few people but more on that at the end of this chapter. For anyone who hasn't played the Normandy Wreck DLC be warned, spoilers ahead.**

* * *

Joker sat in his chair staring at the ice planet below them. Alchera. He never thought he would be back here, back where he lost the most important person in the world to him. It was a barren, desolate planet, cold and uninviting. Of all the planets they'd been to, out of everything they'd done, narrow escapes they'd had, this planet haunted him, gave him nightmares.

There was a sombre mood on board and even though the crew hadn't gone through the destruction of the SR-1 they still seemed to feel her loss. Out of respect for him and Shepard they observed a minute of silence as they slipped into orbit. Only Miranda voiced her objections about a Cerberus ship carrying out an Alliance request. When she'd received death stares from former Alliance crew, Jacob included, she'd shut up and locked herself in her quarters.

'Joker?' A hand gently came to rest on his shoulder

He'd been so engrossed in his thoughts he hadn't heard Shepard come up behind him. 'Yeah, I'm good.' He spun to face her, she was suited up and ready to go. 'Why now?'

'What?'

'Why after two years is the Alliance sending you to retrieve dog tags and place a monument?'

'I don't know, maybe they're testing me, seeing if I'm the real me. Maybe they thought it might give me some closure.' She shrugged, 'it doesn't matter why, I'm doing this for the people we lost, making sure they get the recognition they deserve and their families get closure.' She knelt down and took his hands, 'I'm doing this for us, to put it behind us.'

He pulled himself to his feet and cupped her face in his hands before kissing her gently. 'I'll prep the shuttle.' He went to walk past her but she stopped him.

'No, Jeff, I need you to stay here.'

'What? Why? I should go with you.' A frown creased his brow as she brushed the side of his face with her fingers.

'I need to know you are up here keeping the ship safe, that you will be there to come and get me if….' She couldn't finish the sentence and he didn't need her too. He knew what she was thinking. 'I'll be fine alone.'

'No,' it was his turn to be insistent. 'Please, Ari, don't go alone. Take Garrus or Kasumi with you, do that for me.' She opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her with a kiss. 'Please, they don't have to get out of the shuttle but you shouldn't be alone down there.'

She nodded and sighed, 'I'll take Garrus, just for you.' She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him before turning and walking away.

'Shepard,' she stopped but didn't turn around, 'leave your helmet camera on.' She nodded and continued walking.

Joker slid back into his seat, glancing out at the planet before running a systems check. He needed to be ready, just in case. The indicator for the bay doors illuminated and he couldn't stop the shiver that passed through him. He hated this place, he hated the Alliance for making her do this. When they'd docked with the cargo ship that delivered the monument he'd wanted to give someone a piece of his mind, but the crew wasn't responsible, they didn't deserve that. He'd thought about contacting Anderson, he'd always listened, but what would he say, what could he say. Maybe Shepard was right, they needed to do this.

'Joker, you okay?' Kasumi slipped quietly into the co-pilot's chair.

'Yeah, just peachy,' he grimaced as he brought up the feed from Shepard's suit. Her heart rate was elevated and he was pretty sure she'd be trembling. He knew he was.

'Joker,' Dr Chakwas walked up behind him.

'I'm okay, doc, don't need to come and check on me.'

'I wasn't,' she spoke softly and he glanced up at her. She was pale and her eyes were moist. 'You okay, doc?'

'Yes, just wanted to get a look,' she stared out the window.

Joker realised he wasn't the only one with memories of this place. As Tali came onto the bridge he understood that he and Shepard weren't the only ones who needed closure. He jumped as EDI popped up alongside him but didn't say a word, it was almost as if she was giving the moment the respect it deserved.

'EDI, anything on long range scanners?' He needed to be sure, to keep checking.

'Nothing, Mr Moreau,' there was a soft tone to her speech and he wondered just how aware she really was.

Shepard's shuttle touched down and the feed from her camera came on line. There was a collective gasp as the snowy world of Alchera appeared in all its coldness and the first thing they saw was the body of the SR-1, Normandy still clear and uncovered on the hull. Joker was thankful he wasn't alone, that he couldn't slip into memory. Chakwas placed her hand on his shoulder as if she knew what he was thinking and he was grateful for the warmth.

* * *

Shepard stepped out of the shuttle and memory hit her in the face. The hull of the Normandy filled her vision and she gasped. She remembered the moment she'd first seen her, sleek and sexy, unlike any other ship and she'd loved her from the moment she stepped foot on board. She was something special, unique and Shepard had been proud to serve on her.

She felt Garrus behind her, 'I'm fine, Garrus, wait here.'

'Okay, but I'm here if you need me.' He sat down on the step of the shuttle and watched her walk towards the front section, his own memories tugging at him.

Shepard entered what remained of the bow, the bridge. Memories of the first time she saw Joker, the nights she'd sat with him, silently enjoying the company. She gripped the back of the ruined chair as an image of dragging him to the lifepod threatened to overwhelm her. She took a deep breath and pulled herself up, he was alive and so was she. That was all that mattered. Something shiny caught her eye as she turned to leave and she picked up a set of dog tags. The name wasn't familiar and she regretted not getting to know the crew better. She wrapped the chain around her wrist and continued her exploration.

She wandered over to where the Mako sat like a statue, a monument in itself to the things they'd done. She remembered driving over a mountain, scaring the pants of her ground crew as they took flight in a vehicle that really was a brick to handle. She ran her hands along its sides, a silent salute to the vehicle that had taken her on so many missions and brought her back safely, even with her driving skills. She missed it and for a moment contemplated having it dug out and taking it with her. But it belonged here, with the rest of the SR-1.

The Galaxy map was nothing but a tangle of wires and bent metal, like some sort of surreal sculpture glazed in white. Shepard remembered how many times she'd stood and marvelled at the technology that was the Galaxy map, simply picked a spot and away they'd go. She noticed something lying in the snow and picked up a datapad. Pressly, he'd been old school and hadn't been happy when she'd brought aliens on board. She was glad when he'd come around to accepting them and after reading his notes she knew it hadn't purely been for her benefit. He'd been one of the first to die.

She slipped the datapad inside her armour and continued on. The sleeper pods, the mess hall, every step awoke a memory, a painful memory and tears burned her eyes. The armoury, Ash, the first to be sacrificed, to die by her command. She gulped down the bile that threatened and sucked in a breath, fighting back the tears. One by one she collected the dog tags and then something caught her eye. She was puzzling over what it was as she neared it and suddenly it was clear. She gasped, her heart pounded and she could feel her legs giving out.

'Shepard,' she heard Joker in her ear but couldn't get her voice to work. 'Ari, talk to me, babe.' There was no formality, only the words of a man concerned for the woman he loved.

She could hear the beginnings of panic in his voice and it forced her into movement. She swallowed hard, 'I'm okay,' she knew it wasn't convincing so she tried again. 'I'm fine.'

'I'm not convinced,' Joker tried to keep his tone light but the underlying fear and doubt came through.

'Neither am I,' she managed a smirk and even though he couldn't see it he sensed it. She stepped forward and crouched down. 'Can you see this?'

Joker tried to stop the shaking in his hands and the racing of his heart as he looked at Shepard's camera feed.

'Keelah,' he heard Tali whisper.

'My god,' Chakwas gasped.

_Fuck!_ Joker gasped, 'yeah, we see it.' He stared in disbelief as Shepard picked up her old helmet, beaten and burned but still intact. His breath hitched in his throat as she lifted it up to look inside, he was relieved to see it was empty. He half expected to see part of Shepard's head inside.

Shepard dropped onto her knees and Joker could hear her ragged breathing in his earpiece. It sounded like she was gagging and the last thing she needed was to choke on her own vomit inside her helmet.

'Ari, talk to me,' he forced himself to sound calm but his stomach was churning. 'Please, babe.'

'Jeff,' there was a soft sob but the gagging had stopped. 'I really died here,' there was defeat in her voice and he felt panic taking hold.

'Shepard, you're alive now, you're still you and I love you, do you understand that?' Joker was really worried now and he opened up the com so Garrus could listen in.

'How? What gave them the right to play god?'

'Ari, I need you to focus, please, for me, babe. How many dog tags have you collected?'

'Why me, why am I so special? They should have left me here.' The vision from her feed went dark and Joker was afraid she'd turned her camera off but he realised she was holding the helmet to her head, blocking their view.

'Shepard, how many dog tags do you have?' Joker persevered, he had to, he had to bring her back. 'Remember you were collecting the tags for their families, you are down there for them, for us. Please, Ari, talk to me.'

'Shepard,' Garrus was moving towards her and Joker knew he owed the Turian a beer.

'I'm okay,' Shepard took a deep, shuddering breath and the vision from her camera feed returned. 'I'm missing four, I'll find them.' She looked up and turned, Garrus appeared, walking towards her, but she waved him back. 'I'm okay.' Her voice was stronger now so Garrus stopped. 'I'm okay,' she repeated and stood up.

Joker sighed and he felt Kasumi take his hand. He glanced over and nodded and she released her hold. He turned back to the camera feed and watched as Shepard continued her search.

Shepard was still missing tags and she spun around, looking for anything shiny. She'd had enough, all she wanted to do was leave. Nothing caught her eye so she headed back to the shuttle and set about placing the monument. She set it before the main fuselage, right underneath the word 'Normandy', where she felt it was fitting. She stood for a moment, in memory, in remembrance, paying homage to those who gave their life to follow her.

No one got left behind, she'd always believed that so she continued searching. She finally noticed the crates, with a quick shot from her pistol they disintegrated and she found the tags she was searching for underneath. With a relieved sigh she climbed aboard the shuttle.

'Let's go home, Garrus,' she settled herself in the rear seat and dropped her head back against the bulkhead.

* * *

Joker followed the shuttle's progress and once it was in the bay he set the Normandy in motion, the bridge was empty again and he was glad of the privacy as his hands shook. He had no idea where he was going just away from here. They were safe, alive and he wanted them to stay that way.

As big as space was it suddenly felt extremely small, it was closing in around him, squeezing, sucking the life out of him. His chest tightened and he struggled to breathe, he gasped and the edges of his vision darkened as his heart raced. He was trying to force air into his lung so badly it hurt, he was sure his ribs were cracking. _Is this what it's like to die?_ His white knuckled grip on the arms of his chair suddenly disappeared as his hands were grasped firmly and his chair turned.

'Joker,' he looked up into the moist eyes of Shepard and tried to speak but his throat was closed, he was choking. 'Joker,' she knelt before him and gently cupped his face in her hands. 'I'm here, we're safe.' She leaned in and kissed him lightly before pulling him towards her and wrapping him in her arms. 'It's okay.'

Joker held on tight, she was his lifeline. He buried his nose in her hair and held her so hard she gasped for breath. She'd removed her armour and was dressed only in her undersuit, but she was cold, so cold. He was able to breathe again and his chest gradually relaxed as he rubbed his hands up and down Shepard's back.

'You're cold,' he commented, purely for something to say.

'I wanted to make sure you were okay, I'm looking forward to a hot shower,' Shepard pulled back and met his eyes. 'Are you all right?'

He nodded and sucked in a breath, his chest was sore and he winced. 'I'm fine. You should go and get warm.'

'Are you sure or do you want me to get the doc?' She searched his face, relieved to see colour returning and the tenseness in his body lessening.

'No, I'm fine.' He lied and she knew it.

She smiled and climbed onto his lap gently, resting her head in the hollow of his shoulder. She felt him sigh as he turned his chair back to his console, his arms holding her tight, his lips kissing her hair.

'Where are we going?' He asked softly, relishing the feel of her the scent of her.

'Better head for Aeia, Jacob needs to go there.'

Joker set their course, made sure everything was as it should be and wrapped his arms around her again. He was leaving Alchera for the second time in his life, but this time he was leaving with the woman he loved in his arms, this time she was alive.

* * *

A/N: Okay, hope you enjoyed that, I always wondered why after two years the Alliance hadn't found the dog tags or placed the monument. Also, why did Shepard go alone? And where did they get the monument?

First, to my guest reviewer, thanks for letting me know how you feel and please don't feel you need to apologise for it. The very first thing our lecturer told us is that if you want to be a writer you have to be able to accept criticism, rejection and that people may not like what you write. (there were actually two people who left the class at that point – I wasn't one of them.) I appreciate all feedback, even negative feedback helps you become a better writer. I also received a few PMs along the same lines to which I responded to but I was unable to respond directly to you.

About the last couple of chapters. Do they need to be rewritten, deleted, forgotten about. I put it to you, my readers, let me know either in a review or by PM, I will not be offended.

Why did I write them? Because life is like that, there are often moments that seem completely unreal, unexpected. Are they out of character? Maybe, but how do we know. We see snippets of these characters but how would they react to certain situations. I've been married to the same wonderful man for 35 yrs but every now and then he still does something so out of character it blows me away. People react to stress, bad news, unavoidable situations in different ways, often not as we expect them too. I imagined Shepard having PTSD and having to face the place where she died, she panicked, as strong as she is she is still human. In her panic she closed herself off – I've seen this happen in real life so this is where I took this idea from. Joker reacted to what he was seeing without knowing the facts – a misunderstanding.

Misunderstandings – they happen all too frequently. My brother has not spoken to our family for nearly eight years because of a misunderstanding, he closed himself off and refused to talk about it, chose to ignore any attempts at reconciliation. I lost a good friend through a misunderstanding, he closed off and ran away – it happens unfortunately. (again something I thought of as I was writing)

Is it childish, perhaps, but I've seen the some of the strongest, most able people I know resort to childish behaviour in certain circumstances. It happens to the best of us at times, again, we're only human. We tend to avoid painful situations if we can, eventually we have to face them but running away is something that everyone may do, has done at some time, if you haven't you're lucky. If we run away we don't have to accept or acknowledge what's happening.

Anyway, sorry for the rant but I wanted to give you some idea of how my though processes were working. I am interested in what the readers think so please let me know. I really do hope you continue to read regardless.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: Wow, you guys rock, seriously. The amount of positive support and encouragement I received was amazing, knocked any negativity out of the ball park, in fact it's probably on its way to the moon by now. Thank you doesn't seem enough but it comes from the heart. I feel very honoured to be a member of the FF community.

I haven't lost interest or anything like that, in fact I don't normally let it get to me, I do take it on board and it does make me think though. I'm blaming it on things happening around me and the fact that I received a fair bit of it in one hit. We all have our down moments. Anyway, on with the story, as it is, no changes. And all reviews are welcome and appreciated.

* * *

Joker found Jacob in the gym, from the look of him he'd been there for some time. He glanced out through the open hangar doors, the survivors of the Hugo Gernsback were being looked after by Chakwas and Miranda. _So, the ice queen has a heart_. She'd objected when Shepard told him to find somewhere to land so they could help the survivors until the Alliance arrived, the tone in Shepard's voice had made it clear Miranda needed to shut up.

Joker wandered over to Jacob and sat on a crate, watching as he pushed himself to his limits, it was obvious the man was exhausted, physically and emotionally. It had to be hard to find your father after so many years and even harder to deal with what he'd done to the crew of his ship.

'Hey, Jacob,' Joker spoke quietly and Jacob nodded in acknowledgement. 'Are you okay?'

'I've been better,' he grunted as he completed a series of crunches.

'Do you need an ear?'

'No, I'll get over it,' he wasn't the least bit convincing so Joker made himself more comfortable and waited. 'How can one human do that to another?' Jacob stood up and picked up a pair of dumbbells. 'How can he justify any of this, treating the women like property, like whores, killing the crew, the lies.' He dropped the dumbbells and sat on a bench, his elbows on his knees, his shoulders hunched and his head in his hands.

'I don't know,' Joker knew it wasn't helpful but what did you say to someone who had just had the image of their parent destroyed, discovered that his father was not the man he knew.

'I wanted to kill him,' Jacob scrubbed his face with his hands and looked up at Joker with pain in his eyes. 'My father and I wanted to kill him so badly. What kind of father puts their son in that position? What kind of father doesn't do everything he can to get back to his family? Everything I thought I knew was a lie.' He stood up and started pacing. 'Damn Miranda for passing on the information, I'd rather not know how much of a bastard he is.'

'It's a terrible way to get closure,' Joker nodded.

'I suppose at least I have that, no more false hope that my father is alive somewhere trying to get back to us.' He sighed and reached for his towel. 'Thanks Joker, I think I needed that ear more than I thought.'

'Anytime,' Joker stood up and took Jacob's offered hand.

'You know, I've never been on a mission, or a ship, where the crew watches out for each other like they do on the Normandy.'

'Welcome to Shepard's world,' Joker chuckled. 'You can't be on Shepard's ship and not care, she seems to have that effect on people.'

'Yeah, I noticed,' his gaze wandered to where the survivors were being cared for. 'She's an amazing woman and I think Miranda and the Illusive Man underestimated her.'

'Most definitely,' Joker laughed and Jacob grinned at him. 'They have no idea what she's capable of, they really didn't do their homework well.'

'Mr Moreau,' EDI spoke from above them, 'Alliance ships have entered the system, they will be here in approximately one hour.'

'Thanks, EDI, does the Commander know?'

'Yes she does,' Joker turned as Shepard spoke from behind him. 'You'd better get us ready to leave,' she smiled at him and he felt his stomach flip.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he nodded and headed for the elevator.

'How you doing, Jacob?'

Joker heard her ask as he walked away and chuckled to himself. Yep, definitely on Shepard's ship and he wouldn't be anywhere else.

* * *

He hated this place, if he never saw it again it would be too soon. Omega. They seemed to keep coming back here. This time it was for Samara, the fact that Shepard was bait didn't sit well and his stomach was in knots. It was made worse by the fact she wasn't wearing her armour and was unarmed. Of all the places to go out unprotected she had to pick here.

'Garrus, do you see her?'

'She's still in the bar, don't worry, we'll make sure nothing happens to her.'

Joker knew Shepard would be angry when she found out they'd disobeyed her order. He didn't care, neither did Garrus or Thane. When she'd refused support and relied on Samara the three of them had hatched their own plan. He could handle her being angry if it meant she was safe. With any luck she wouldn't even know they were there.

'Mr Moreau, I do not believe Commander Shepard will be happy about you disobeying her.'

'Yeah EDI, I know,' he checked Garrus's camera feed, he hadn't moved and neither had Thane.

'Why have you disobeyed her?'

'Because we care about her,' he was sure he heard curiosity and glanced at the blue orb that was EDI. 'It's what we do when we think someone is in danger and they don't think they are.'

'So this is a way to protect her without her knowing. If Samara is correct and she stops her daughter before Shepard is hurt then there will be no need for Garrus or Thane to act. If they do not act then Shepard will be none the wiser, she will not know you disobeyed her.'

'Something like that,' Joker nodded as his eyes returned to the camera feed.

'Then I hope Samara is correct. If she is not then I believe you will be in trouble.'

'Yeah,' he sighed, 'I know.'

'She's coming out,' Garrus whispered.

'I see her, Samara is following,' Thane added, from his rapid breathing Joker guessed he was moving quickly.

'I see Samara, she's close.' Garrus chuckled and Joker saw Samara glare at him through Garrus's camera.

'Shit,' he groaned, if Samara knew they were following she might tell Shepard.

Joker watched as Garrus followed Samara and was extremely relieved to see her enter Morinth's apartment, hopefully she wasn't too late. Garrus had tucked himself into a corner so he could see the door and Joker held his breath for what seemed an eternity. Eventually Samara and Shepard appeared and he gave a relieved sigh.

'Looks like we worried for nothing,' Garrus spoke softly as the two women walked away.

'Yeah, you'd better get back,' Joker chuckled, 'before Shepard does if you don't want to get in trouble.'

'That's all right,' Garrus made the guttural sound that Joker had come to recognise as a laugh. 'I'll tell her it was all your idea.'

'Hey, I thought us males were supposed to stick together,' Joker grunted.

'Only when it doesn't get us in trouble,' Thane chuckled and Joker shook his head.

'Thanks guys, nice of you to leave me hanging.'

'Anytime,' Garrus spoke from behind him and Joker spun in his seat.

'That was fast.'

'You forget, I was here for a while and had to find the safest and quickest way to get from one place to another.'

'Going somewhere, Garrus,' Shepard stepped out of the airlock with Samara behind.

'No, just being prepared,' Garrus nodded at her. 'How did it go?'

'My daughter will no longer be a problem,' Samara spoke quietly but Joker was sure there was sadness in her voice. It was hard to tell sometimes, Samara was such a mystery, cool and calm, showing very little emotion. It was kind of creepy. 'Thank you Shepard for your assistance.' She bowed slightly to Shepard and walked away.

Joker quietly sighed in relief, she hadn't given them away. 'You okay,' he could see Shepard was tired, the bags under her eyes only seemed to get darker.

'Yeah, I'm heading for the shower and maybe bed for a while.' She leaned against the wall with a sigh. 'I feel like I haven't slept for a week.'

'Maybe you should get Chakwas to check you over,' Joker frowned, it wasn't like her to admit to being tired.

'Maybe, better set a course for Pragia, Jack needs to take care of something.' She pulled herself up and moved to stand before him, leaning down to look in his eyes. 'I'll see you when you get off shift,' she kissed him gently but passionately and he reached up and cupped her face.

'Get some rest, but I still think you should see the doc.'

'Yeah, I will,' she stood up, glanced at Garrus and headed for the elevator.

'She looks tired,' Garrus watched her walk away though not with the same lustful stare as Joker.

'She is. This is turning into a solve everyone's problems mission. I know she has to build her team and all that but she's feeling the weight of it.' Joker looked up at Garrus, 'I'm worried about her.'

'You're not alone in that. Cerberus might have brought her back but they certainly don't care about her health or her state of mind.' He shook his head, 'I don't know what they were thinking and Miranda only seems to see her as a thing to be studied. I thought she might soften after Shepard helped her with her sister. Seem Cerberus has picked Shepard's watcher very well.'

'We just have to watch her better,' Joker chuckled as Garrus gave him the Turian equivalent of a frown. 'It's up to us to make sure she comes out of this alive and whole in body and mind.'

'That goes without saying,' Garrus sighed. 'I just hope she lets us.'

'Yeah,' Joker spun his chair back to the controls and began his departure checklist. The quicker he got them underway and into FTL the quicker he could go and check on Shepard. He heard Garrus walk away but he was already in pilot mode and everything became background noise.

* * *

Joker heard Shepard's familiar footsteps come up behind him, she hadn't waited for him to finish, he got the feeling she didn't want to be alone. His hands worked the flight controls as she slipped into the co-pilot's chair, but he glanced over at her and his heart lurched at the exhaustion and despair on her face. This mission was really taking its toll on her, even more than the fight against Sovereign had. He supposed it didn't help that she felt like many of her crew would stab her in the back if they got the chance. Even though she had most of them onside there were still some that saw Cerberus as the saviours of humanity, refused to see the horrible stuff they'd done to get what they wanted. Miranda included. Not being able to fully trust your XO only added to the pressure.

Seeing what Ronald Taylor had done to his crew, to his son had shaken her, shaken her faith in human nature. She always tried to see the good in people, as much as she knew not everyone was perfect she like to believe that given the opportunity most people would choose to do the right thing. Mostly she was right, who wouldn't make the right choice when faced with a lecture from Commander Shepard. But she wasn't just Commander Shepard, she was a woman who seemed to bring out the good in people, make them believe in themselves even if others didn't. When Ronald Taylor had chosen to do to his crew, the women disappointed her, what he'd done to his son was unforgivable. Jacob was a member of her crew and he was hurting so was she.

'Hey you,' he continued working but he heard her deep, tired sigh.

'Hey yourself,' she rested her head against the headrest. 'Everything okay up here?'

'Yeah, are you okay?'

She huffed a laugh, 'I've got a ship full of crazies, an XO who sees me as a science project, a crew that would throw me out the airlock if I even thought about taking on Cerberus, a race of monsters who want to wipe us out, why wouldn't I be alright? Add to that people who are animals, who are selfish and think of no one but themselves, how their decisions affect those around them, destroy lives. Hey what have I got to be concerned about.'

Joker felt his guts churning, he was hoping she'd be able to get past the doubts, the fears and mostly he knew she had. Every now and then though he saw through the cracks, saw the depth of her emotion, something she kept well hidden from those who didn't know her. He saw the broken, disheartened person underneath and as much as he feared for her he loved her so deeply, all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her everything would be alright. But he wasn't sure it would. If she lost faith in herself, in others, if she lost the will to fight they would all be lost.

'Hey, everything will be okay though right,' she had her eyes closed and there was no strength to her voice. 'I'm Commander Shepard, I'll save everyone, that's what I'm here for.'

'Damn right you are,' Joker spun to face her. 'You're gonna kick those Collectors into the next galaxy and then you're gonna ride off into the sunset with your sexy pilot and live happily ever after.' He grinned at her chuckle.

'You bet I am,' she turned to look at him, her head still resting on the headrest, she closed her eyes. 'That's right after he saves my ass again and then uses his amazing flying skills to get us to safety.' She smiled at him, 'I couldn't do this without him.'

'And here I thought you wanted me for my body,' he feigned disappointment and she laughed, it was a wonderful sound.

'Always,' she opened her eyes and he almost gasped at the love that shone out, 'always and forever.'

'Mr Moreau, we are approaching the relay,' EDI brought his focus back to what needed to be done.

'Thanks EDI,' Joker spun back to his console reluctantly. 'Stand by for relay transit,' his hands worked the controls instinctively as he prepared the crew and ship for instantaneous transport across systems. 'Relay in 8. 7. 6. …..' Joker felt his chair suck him down as the ship entered the relay and reality blurred before it cleared as they were spat out the other end. 'Transition complete, board is green.'

Joker completed his post relay checks and finally had a chance to look at Shepard. He grinned a he saw her asleep in the chair. It had been a while since she'd slept in the chair but he didn't have the heart to disturb her so he reached down for the blanket at his feet. He remembered the first time he'd done this and what came after. As he brushed the hair from her face and kissed her lightly he felt his doubts fade, they would come through this, they had to.

'Always and forever.'


	29. Chapter 29

Joker watched the feed from Shepard's suit and he could now understand why Jack was the way she was. How could anyone do that to children? He could almost sense Shepard's anger, her hatred for Cerberus. The fact that she talked Jack out of killing the other survivor made him realise that even Jack, for all her aggressiveness and angry demeanour, was willing to listen to Shepard. Another wounded soul using Shepard's salve to heal. She really was one of a kind, not that she realised it, or accepted it when it was pointed out. Shepard had a way of helping people without really trying to and if he thought about it she had helped him too. Helped him to see past his guilt, to move on from the past. He only hoped he could do the same for her.

The shuttle lifted off and the ships sensors registered the explosion on the surface. One more problem solved. How many more before they could do what they set out to do? How many more before the end, before they could have a normal life? Would it ever happen? He sighed as he imagined him and Shepard, side by side on a beach somewhere, no collectors, no reapers, just the two of them enjoying each other. _Dare to dream._ A beep on his console told him the shuttle had docked.

'Joker, find us a quiet spot to sit for a while.'

Shepard sounded tired and he wondered if she was still having nightmares. They had stopped, especially when he shared her bed, but the last couple of sleep cycles she'd slept alone, he'd been on duty. Not tonight.

'Hey babe,' he spoke softly into her ear. 'How about you shower and change, I'll organise dinner and bring it up.'

'Sounds good,' he could hear her stripping out of her armour. 'Give me an hour.'

Joker tucked them in around one of the outer planets, set the heat sinks to release, carried out final diagnostics and spun his chair to stand up.

'Mr Moreau, I believe the Commander is required in Operative Lawson's quarters. She and subject zero are having a very heated discussion that may become violent.'

Joker sighed and shook his head, 'Commander, sorry but you might want to get to Miranda's quarters, apparently her and Jack are having words,' he chuckled at her frustrated groan, 'take pictures.'

While Shepard dealt with the childish behaviour of her crew Joker headed for the mess. He found Rupert preparing vegetables for dinner while trying to listen to the argument going on through the wall.

'Anything good,' Joker grinned, 'should I be recording?'

'Nah,' Rupert chuckled, 'although if Miranda was wearing as little as Jack it might be worth a look.'

Joker laughed and shook his head, 'how did you go with the ingredients I asked about?'

'Over in the cooler,' he indicated with his head, 'the rice is cooking.'

'Thanks, Rupert, thought I'd do something special for Shepard.' He heard Miranda's door open and watched Shepard head for the elevator, Jack stomping angrily after her.

'Thought so. There's something else in the cooler you might like.'

Joker opened the cooler and it took him a moment but eventually he looked up with a grin, 'are you sure?'

'Yep, been saving it for someone special.'

'Thanks Rupert, she'll love it.' He set about dicing, slicing and cooking the meal he'd planned and with a little help from Rupert had it ready in a short time.

He pulled out a two tier tray, set out the dinners and he was about to walk away when Rupert stopped him, pulled a single flower from one of his boxes and laid it across the tray. Joker smiled at him and made his way to Shepard's quarters.

He stepped into the hallway and Shepard's door opened before he reached it. 'Thanks EDI.'

'Have a pleasant evening, Mr Moreau. Logging you both out.'

Joker made his way carefully down the steps to find Shepard stretched out on the sofa, her feet on the table and her eyes closed. He could see the tightness around her eyes so he knew she wasn't asleep.

'Hey you,' he slowly placed the trays on the table and she looked up at him.

'Hey yourself,' she eyed off the tray. 'What have you been up to?'

'Just something I thought you might like,' he sat beside her and pulled her into a kiss. He would never get over the softness of her lips on his and the feelings they aroused. 'I know you haven't eaten today so I made something for you.'

'You cooked?' She looked at him wide eyed.

'Yeah, I cooked. Keep telling you I'm not just a sexy pilot with a handsome face.'

'But you are,' she cooed and ran her fingers across his lips, 'and you cook too, I really got lucky.'

'I promise to show you how lucky but eat first,' he nuzzled her neck and she moaned softly.

'This looks really nice,' she picked up the flower and sniffed it before placing it on the table. 'What's on the menu.'

'Nothing fancy, just a sweet chilli chicken my mother used to cook,' he laid out their plates as he spoke and the smell made both their mouths water. 'At least as close as I can get with the available ingredients,' he chuckled, 'not everything tastes like chicken out here.'

'No!' Shepard gave him a stare of mock disbelief and he laughed.

He reached over the sofa and pulled a couple of beers from a cooler he'd stashed there earlier and she grinned at him. There was very little talking as they ate, savouring the food and each other's company. _It doesn't get any better than this. _Joker glanced over at Shepard, he could tell she was enjoying what he'd cooked and it made him happy and proud that he could give her something special.

'Hmm, this is delicious,' Shepard moaned as she scraped the last of the food from her plate and dropped back against the sofa in contentment.

'We're not finished yet,' he gave her a sly grin and she raised her eyebrows at him. He watched her eyes widen in delight as he placed two servings of chocolate cream cake before them. 'Although if you're full I can always take them back to Rupert.'

'Not on your life,' she slapped him playfully and he laughed. 'If I'd known he had them they wouldn't still be there.' She picked up the spoon and scooped up a mouthful. The look of pure bliss on her face was priceless and Joker couldn't help but grin. 'What, I like my chocolate, so shoot me.'

Joker watched her devour the dessert and finish the half he didn't eat. He loved seeing her so relaxed and content. It was a moment of beauty in a universe of ugliness. He only wished there could be more moments like these.

'Hey, you're deep in thought, what's up.'

'What could be up, I'm here alone with you, watching you enjoy chocolate. I'm a lucky man and I know it.' He sat back against the sofa and she snuggled into his chest with a tired sigh.

'You're damn right you are,' she chuckled.

'Did you sort out the kiddies and put them to bed?' He kissed the top of her head as she groaned.

'Yeah, but I have a new rule for tonight, no work.' She lifted her head to look at him, 'under threat of eviction.'

'Yes, ma'am,' he whispered huskily and she shivered in his arms. 'So what do we talk about?'

'Who said anything about talking,' she mumbled as she pulled him down for a kiss.

Joker slid his arms around her and pulled her in tight. The sensation of her soft lips forcing his body's response, taking it out of his control, but he wasn't going to fight it. In fact he relished it, cherished every second of the euphoria their kiss created. He felt her lips part and their tongues caressed each other as her hand slid down his chest to his hip. A moan escaped as she lifted his shirt and her fingers brushed his skin, creating a trail of fire as she ran them across his back. He slowly slid his hand down to her thigh and she arched against him as he cupped her backside.

'Commander, I am sorry to interrupt but Tali is extremely upset and is requesting to see you.'

Joker pulled back slowly and he could see the same want in her eyes that he was feeling. She brushed his face tenderly with her fingers before kissing him lightly.

'Send her in,' she sighed but never took her eyes off his.

'Shepard,' Tali rushed down the steps and stopped. She looked from the table to Shepard and Joker who sat with their arms around each other. 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think…..' She seemed edgy, flustered. 'I'll go, come back later.'

'No, Tali,' Shepard sat forward, 'it's okay. What's wrong?'

'I…..' As if she was unable to stay still she started pacing, her hands continually moving.

'I'll go,' Joker moved to get up but Tali stopped him.

'No, you don't have to leave,' she sighed as if trying to put her words together. 'I need your help. I've been accused of treason and have to stand trial.'

Joker and Shepard both looked at her in shock. Of all the members of their motley crew Tali would be the last to be accused of something like that. Joker was sure she was crying under her mask and his heart went out to her, he'd always thought of her as a kid, a little naive in the ways of the world but someone with a gentle trusting heart. How someone could accuse her of treason was completely beyond belief.

'Tell me what happened,' Shepard stood up and encouraged Tali to sit with her on the bed.

As disappointed as he was that their evening hadn't turned out so well Joker knew that this was more important and he listened closely as Tali told them what was going on. He knew they would have their time later, even if they only slept, at least they would be together.

* * *

'This is insane!' Garrus paced the small area of the bridge and Joker sighed as he watched him. 'Tali would never do what they've accused her of, she doesn't have the heart for it.'

'Hey, you're preaching to the converted here,' Joker reminded him and Garrus stared at him. 'Just saying, we know she couldn't, wouldn't do it.'

'Sorry, I'm just so angry that she's been put in this position. I'd like to get my hands on whoever accused her.' Garrus was almost snarling and Joker realised that this was more than concern for a friend.

'You care for her,' he smirked and Garrus stopped his pacing and looked at him strangely.

'Of course, she's a good friend.'

'No, it's more than that,' he sat forward and grinned. 'You've fallen for her and you want to protect her.'

'No… I… ' Garrus was lost for words and Joker laughed.

'Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.'

'There is no secret, I just….'

'Yeah, I know all about 'just', been there remember.'

Garrus sighed and sat in the navigator's chair, 'I like her, like being around her.'

'Have you told her?' Joker found it amusing that someone as confident as Garrus seemed so unsure.

'What! No, I couldn't.'

'Why not, she may feel the same.'

'Ready, Garrus,' Shepard walked onto the bridge with Tali.

'Yeah,' he stood up and took Tali's hand, 'I'm always ready to help out a friend.'

'Thanks Garrus,' Tali spoke softly but there was definite emotion behind her words, 'that means a lot.'

'Okay, let's go,' Shepard gave Joker a smile before leading the others into the airlock.

* * *

Things never seemed to change. Once again Shepard was in the thick of a fight that had nothing to do with the mission. As much as he liked Tali and knew they had to help her, the fact that they'd gone out to clear a ship full of Geth annoyed him. Why hadn't the Quarians taken care of it, they had the soldiers, the armaments. Why had they waited for Shepard? Something felt off.

He was watching the feed as they discovered the information that would clear Tali and her pleas not to use it, to protect her father, broke his heart. What was it about fathers that destroyed their children's lives. First Jacob and now Tali. Even though neither was intentional the outcome was the same, there was no thought to how their actions would affect the future, or if there was it didn't occur to them that it wasn't their lives that would be ruined. He thought of his own father and wondered if he would, or could, ever do that to him or his sister. He truly doubted it.

He heard Shepard curse as they returned to the courtroom to find the Admirals had gone ahead without them. She was angry, he could see it in her movements, and he was glad he wasn't on the receiving end of her ire. He was curious about what she was going to do, with the information they'd found she could easily clear Tali but that would go against Tali's wishes. She stood deep in thought and he knew she was torn, but it was her ability to know what was right that astounded him. In even the direst or toughest of situations she always made the right choice, it was uncanny sometimes.

His heart swelled with pride as she rallied the crowd in support of Tali, as the Admirals saw they were beaten. He shook his head with a smile as he realised she'd done it again, she'd got everyone on side, and without firing a shot. She hated politics but she was so good at it, maybe when this was over she could become a diplomat. He chuckled, not likely, not unless they allowed guns at embassy meetings, if she got too frustrated she'd probably just blow them up.

* * *

He heard the familiar footsteps behind him and spun to face the woman of his dreams. She was still in her armour, her hair was a mess, she was sweaty and looked tired but she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

'Glad you didn't have to shoot any admirals, Commander,' he chuckled and she smirked at him.

'Thought about it, wanted to, but didn't think it would help Tali's cause.' She leaned on her hip, her arms folded across her chest. 'You know, I really think they accused Tali just so we'd come and take care of their problem for them. The Quarians are a strange race and I don't know if we can trust them.'

'What, you think they'll shoot you in the back just to get what they want?'

'Honestly, I don't know. They have been floating around out here in space for so long I think they've forgotten how to interact with other species. They're a little arrogant and selfish and I really don't think they care about anything but their own survival.' She shrugged as he frowned at her, 'I could be wrong.'

'Let's hope so, because if the Reapers do get here we'll probably need them.' Joker could understand her sentiments, he'd felt it too, a sense of mistrust. 'Hey, I have something to tell you.'

He paused and she looked at him curiously. 'What is it, Joker? Should I be worried?'

'No, I don't think so anyway,' he sighed and straightened his cap. 'Last time we were on the Citadel I ran into Kaidan.'

'He didn't hurt you, did he?' The panic in her voice surprised him.

'No, just wanted to talk. I think he realised how much of an asshole he'd been and wanted to apologise. He asked me to do something for him and I wanted to check that you're okay with it.'

'Okay,' she sounded suspicious and he grinned.

'Nothing dangerous or sneaky, well maybe a little.' Joker laughed at the ever increasing frustration on her face. 'He wants to apologise to you and asked if I'd pass on his message so he knows you'll get it.'

'How was he?'

'Hurting,' Joker stood up and took her hands in his. 'He knows he hurt you too and it's eating him up. He loved you, Shepard, I think you knew that.'

'Yeah, but he knew there would never be anything between us.'

'He knows that too. Do you want to be friends or would you rather forget he exists?'

'I valued his friendship and his abilities as a soldier, I miss having him at my back.' She met Joker's eyes, 'are you okay with this?'

'Yeah, he knows about us, he actually said he was glad for us.'

'Okay, pass on his messages, maybe we can get back to being friends.'

'He also offered to pass on other stuff if you want him to.'

'Really,' her eyebrows went up and Joker laughed.

'Yeah, I think he understands how important this mission is and what it's leading to. The soldier in him can't ignore that.'

'That might be useful,' she nodded and raised his fingers to her lips. 'Thanks, Jeff, for being the man you are.' He realised then that she knew what had happened between him and Kaidan, how difficult it had been for him to face his fear and anxiety.

'Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you,' EDI popped up beside them.

'Guess we're off on some other wild goose chase,' she grimaced and headed for the briefing room.

Joker seriously hoped she was wrong but as he watched her walk away he doubted it. He activated the blocking code on his omnitool and sent the message to Shepard, another small step on their way back to what they had and towards what they needed for the future.

* * *

**A/N:** It's getting close to Christmas so best wishes to everyone and I hope you have a merry New Year as well.

I hope to get another chapter up in the next couple of days but if not it won't be until next year. Sorry to disappoint but blame it on the season. Also having a week of wind in the hair, cobweb clearing therapy and bug guts moisturising (2000 + kms of motorcycle riding – sometimes with the visor open), won't be back till 31st Dec and no computer or internet access, only pen and paper for the week. (and that's going to be frustrating :o )

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read, followed, favourite and reviewed, it really is appreciated.


	30. Chapter 30

Joker was nervous. If he was honest, he was terrified, although he would deny it if anyone asked. Just like Alchera this brought back painful memories. They'd found the Collector ship right where it was supposed to be. From the moment they had first picked it up on sensors Joker's stomach had been churning. He checked and double checked controls, sensors and logs. He had to be ready, needed to be ready. Familiar footsteps behind him made him spin around, she was already armoured except for her gloves and helmet.

'Something's not right.'

'What do you mean?' Shepard raised her eyebrows at him.

'How the hell did the Turians take down a ship this size. There's no obvious damage, no evidence of a firefight.' He shrugged, 'something just feels wrong.'

'Yeah, I know what you mean.'

'The ship appears to be offline,' EDI sounded like she was trying to reassure them, 'thrusters are cold, there is no evidence of activity.'

Joker stood up and took her hands in his, 'please be careful. I don't trust the Illusive Man or his intel even if he is paying the bills.' He breathed deeply before meeting her eyes, 'I can't lose you again.'

'I have every intention of coming back alive, you just make sure you're here for me to come back to.' She reached up and brushed her fingers across his lips.

'I'm not going anywhere,' he kissed her forehead and cupped her face. 'You just go kick some Collector ass so you can come home quickly.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute and he laughed. 'I'd better go,' she sighed and kissed him lightly before turning and walking away, her commander persona slipping into place.

'Commander,' he watched her look over shoulder, 'good hunting.' She nodded and continued on.

Joker slid back into his seat, watching Shepard leave hadn't helped his state of mind. He mentally ran through every scenario he could think of as he acknowledged the shuttle departure. _Let's hope I'm as good as I think I am._ He laughed at himself as he waited for the ground crew feed to come online. Yeah, he'd learned a few things since last time but overconfidence certainly wouldn't help him.

'How are you doing, Joker?' Kasumi made no effort to hide as she walked up behind him.

'Okay,' he double checked the sensors again, just to be sure.

'That's ugly,' Kasumi looked at the ship that towered over them.

'In more ways than one,' Joker mumbled as Kasumi slipped into the co-pilot's chair. 'EDI, please keep an eye on the emissions, let me know the moment there is even a flicker.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau, I am aware of the risks.'

Joker glanced at the blue orb. Did EDI just chastise him? More and more he felt like she was alive, like she was learning and growing into something more than just a machine.

'Okay,' Kasumi chuckled beside him and he looked at her before turning back to the video feed that popped up on his view screen.

'Commander, I have located an access point to upload data, sending the nav point to your hardsuit computer.' Joker confirmed the location as EDI continued. 'I have also checked the ship profile against known Collector ships. This is the same ship you encountered on Horizon.'

Joker was glad he hadn't eaten yet as his stomach threatened to upend itself. He was also glad Shepard had taken a larger team this time as he had a frightening feeling that there was more to come. 'EDI, do you have the information from the SR-1, the data on the Collector ship that took her down.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau.'

'Is this the same ship?' He didn't really want to know but he had to ask.

He watched as Shepard found a pile of bodies and even though he wasn't there he could sense the anger and frustration that emanated from her. He could imagine the smell, the bodies looked like they'd been badly damaged and they'd been there for some time.

'Mr Moreau,' EDI seemed hesitant, 'I have compared the data, this is the same ship that destroyed the SR-1.'

'Shit,' Kasumi said softly.

Joker wasn't sure how to react. He wanted to throw up, to get as far away as possible. He also wanted payback. He wanted to destroy this ship more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life, to get his revenge for the loss of his ship, the loss of Shepard.

Shepard's voice dragged him back to the present and he watched as they checked out the Collector bodies and sent information back for analysis. The ship was eerie even through the feed and he shivered. He wanted her off that ship but he knew she wouldn't leave until she found what they needed. There were times when he hated her sense of duty.

He listened as EDI informed Shepard of her analysis. Protheans, re-purposed to suit the Reaper's needs. This was what they had planned for humanity, his skin crawled at the thought. He watched as she continued on and he wondered if her nerves were as bad as his. Probably not, she was a warrior, she was Commander Shepard. She was also human, he'd seen the softer side and he knew she would hide any anxiety very well while on a mission.

'Holy shit,' Joker whispered as he saw the pods on Shepard's feed and he heard the hitch in her voice as she spoke.

'Damn, all these people, dead.'

'Not your fault,' he answered instinctively, knowing she would be blaming herself for not being quicker.

'Maybe not,' she was breathing heavily as she moved on, 'but we need to stop this, quickly.'

'Commander, these people would have died when main power went off line,' EDI clarified and Joker could have kissed her.

'Commander, I had EDI check the profile against the ship that took down the SR-1, it's the same ship.' Joker sensed more than heard her breath catch.

'The same ship dogging me for two years,' she growled, 'more than coincidence.'

'Watch your back, Commander,' Joker was sure now something wasn't right.

'Wow,' Kasumi commented and Joker looked at her. 'Shepard must have really upset these guys.'

'Yeah, she took down one of them,' Joker felt the need to check the controls and sensors again. 'Guess she pissed them off.'

'Just a little,' Kasumi chuckled, 'they must really want her for some purpose.'

'Not this time,' Joker scowled. 'Never again.'

He felt Kasumi's eyes on him but ignored the questioning stare. His eyes returned to the video feed and he wondered how Shepard was dealing with the discovery. She was still the Commander, still in charge and barrelling forward. He knew she had no choice but that didn't make it any easier to sit and watch. When the ground team finally found a control panel he was relieved, it was nearly over. As soon as he thought it he knew he'd jinxed it and he inwardly kicked himself.

Shepard linked EDI into the databanks and information flashed across Joker's screens. It was too quick to read and just as quickly it vanished as a holographic image of a Collector popped up where EDI usually appeared. Power flickered and screens went blank for a split second.

'Crap! That can't be good,' Joker hurriedly checked the systems as things seemed to return to normal.

'What happened?' There was interference but the concern in Shepard's voice was obvious.

'Major power surge, but we're back up now,' Joker managed to hide the panic in his voice.

'Shepard,' EDI spoke up, 'this was not a malfunction, this was a trap.'

The Illusive Man should have known EDI would have discovered his lies. He obviously underestimated her just as he did Shepard. _Shit!_ His heart lurched as the platform detached and carried Shepard, Garrus, Thane and Jacob into the bowels of the ship. Miranda and Grunt were left behind and if the situation hadn't been so serious he would have laughed at Grunt's angry tirade and Miranda's frustration.

'EDI, need a little help here,' Shepard cursed as the platform came to a sudden stop.

'There is someone else in the system,' EDI was obviously tasked to capacity and Joker felt fear wash over him. What would happen if EDI couldn't stop what was happening? What could he do if the Collectors got control of the Normandy? How would he save Shepard?

Gunfire pulled his eyes back to the screen and he watched anxiously as the ground crew came under attack. There seemed to be a never ending barrage of Scion and Collector fire and he saw Thane go down as his shields failed but Jacob was there to throw up a barrier, protecting him as his shields regenerated. Seemed the team was finally working together, he knew Shepard would be proud.

Finally EDI managed to take back control and get them moving again. They had no sooner re-joined Miranda and Grunt than they were almost overrun yet again. It was a long, difficult fight to the shuttle and just when Joker thought they were safe sensors went haywire.

'Shepard, you need to hurry,' the panic in his voice was obvious and he didn't care. His hands were shaking and he broke out into a sweat. 'The Collector ship just came online, I'm not losing you or the Normandy again.'

His hands flew over the console, a blur to Kasumi who watched in fascination as he prepared them for a hurried departure. The shuttle was still docking but he had them moving. An all too familiar beam of light shot beneath them as the Normandy took flight and Joker tried to stop the fear that clenched his guts as he realised how close it had been. Like a feather on the wind he darted around, down and sideways as the Collector ship repeatedly fired on them. A hand on his shoulder gave him some sense of relief, Shepard was safe and the Normandy was dancing under his fingers. But he knew it wouldn't last forever.

'EDI, get us out of here,' he kept them moving and weaving, staying just ahead of the Collectors beam but it was wearing him down.

'Do you have a destination in mind?'

'Anywhere that's not here!' He groaned in frustration before the pull of FTL dragged him into his seat.

Clear space appeared before them and he instinctively checked the sensors and ran diagnostics. He buried his face in his shaking hands, fear and adrenaline making his heart race. He'd done it, he'd avoided destruction, kept them safe. A gentle squeeze on his shoulder made him lift his head and he met Shepard's gaze.

'You did it,' she smiled proudly, 'we're safe.'

Joker spun his chair, stood up and pulled her into his arms. He buried his nose in her neck, the beating of her pulse, the scent of sweat and gun oil letting him know that she was real, she was alive. As if sensing his need for confirmation she wrapped her arms around him and kissed the side of his neck. She could feel him trembling and she really wished she wasn't wearing her armour.

'It's okay, we're alive,' she pulled back and met his eyes, her hand coming up to caress the side of his face.

'I couldn't have done it without EDI,' he sighed, held her face in his hands and kissed her as if it was their first kiss.

'I think you could,' she grinned as he stepped back, 'EDI was just a bonus.'

'Commander Shepard is correct, Mr Moreau,' EDI popped into being behind him. 'You would have made the jump to FTL without my assistance.'

'Thanks EDI,' he allowed himself a half smile, 'for everything.'

'You are welcome, we are crewmates so we help each other when we can.'

'Seems even EDI is being turned by your powers, Commander,' he finally relaxed and chuckled.

'If only it was that easy,' Shepard watched as he slipped back into his chair to carry out system checks. 'EDI, you'd better get the Illusive Man for me.' She placed her hand on Joker's shoulder and leant down to speak into his ear, 'leave the coms open, ship wide.' He nodded and glanced back as she turned and walked away.

'Oh dear,' Kasumi chuckled, she hadn't moved the entire time. 'I'm glad I'm not the Illusive Man.' She reached across and placed her hand on Joker's forearm, 'nice flying, Joker.'

He acknowledged her praise as Shepard's voice carried through the ship, her anger evident. To hear the Illusive Man admit that it was a trap was a slap in the face to those that still believed in him and simple proof to those that didn't. No amount of placating or sleazy praise would calm Shepard though.

'If you ever put my crew or ship in danger like that again I will find you and I will kill you.' The strength and determination in Shepard's voice was frightening to those that didn't know her, familiar to those that did. They knew she meant every word. 'EDI, close this channel.'

'Shepard, don't you dare….' Everyone heard the anger in the Illusive Man's voice as EDI cut him off.

'Is she always this protective?' Kasumi chuckled.

'Always,' Joker grinned, he knew Shepard would still be angry but there would be some enjoyment in hanging up on TIM, he certainly enjoyed it.

It was sometime later when Joker was finally satisfied that they were out of danger and the Normandy was in one piece. He stretched to release the pressure on his bones and realised that he hadn't eaten all day. Slowly he got to his feet, left EDI in control and headed for the mess. It was a slower trip than usual, crew members who usually ignored him wanted to thank him for saving their lives. More than one asked about Shepard, if she had meant what she said. Joker was more than happy to point out that Shepard always protected her crew, he was a good example of that as she had died to save him.

By the time he reached the mess he was more than ready to sit and eat. Shepard was already eating so he grabbed a plate from Rupert and sat beside her.

'Bet that felt good,' he nudged her shoulder and grinned.

'Yep,' she grinned back.

'You know you've ensorcelled the crew now.'

'Really,' she looked at him from under raised eyebrows. 'If that's all it took to get this crew to trust me I should have hung up on him sooner.'

'Threatening him might not have been the wisest idea.'

'I know,' she sighed and linked her fingers with his. 'He'll probably be angry with me but what can he do. He wants me to complete this mission so he has to be nice.'

'And what about when it's over?' He squeezed her fingers gently and she dropped her head onto his shoulder.

'I'll, no, we'll face that when we get there.'

'I've got your back,' Joker raised her fingers to his lips and kissed them softly.

Shepard lifted her head and gazed up at him and he felt his pulse quicken. She stood up and urged him to his feet, leading him to the elevator with a wicked grin. He didn't hesitate, they were both off duty for the next eight hours and yes they needed sleep … but not right away.

* * *

**A/N**: Okay, managed to get this one polished. I found the Collector ship mission one of the most unpleasant in the game so I hope I've done it justice. Please feel free to let me know what you think.

Won't be back till Dec 31st so no more chapters until the new year. Promise to get the next one up as quickly a possible once I'm back. Hope everyone has a merry New Year.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: Okay, cobwebs are gone and after 2000+ kms the hair is a bit messy. Hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and New Year and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

Joker was frustrated. He was also angry and concerned. They were an hour behind schedule for departure and it looked like they weren't leaving any time soon. It was all Miranda's fault. Shepard had no sooner left the ship for Bekenstein before Miranda let everyone know the ship was hers. The Normandy docked at the Citadel for restocking while Shepard had taken a shuttle with Kasumi to complete the deal Cerberus made. The stores were full and the last delivery had been over an hour ago but Miranda still hadn't given the departure order. Joker had a bad feeling and every minute they lingered it only got worse.

'What's going on?' Garrus walked onto the bridge, his mandibles flexing in what Joker now knew to be frustration. 'Why haven't we left yet?'

'Miranda hasn't given the all clear,' Joker growled. 'I'm guessing she's waiting on word from the boss.'

'That is incorrect, Mr Moreau,' EDI popped into view. 'Operative Lawson has had no contact with the Illusive Man since Commander Shepard left the ship.'

'Then what are we waiting for?' Garrus shook his head.

'There is no apparent reason preventing our departure.' Joker was sure if she'd had a physical body she would have shrugged.

'Joker, are the crew on board?' Garrus watched as Joker nodded. 'Get us underway.'

'Aye, aye, what about Miranda?' His hands were already at work on his console and the docking clamps released.

'I'll worry about her,' Garrus turned to EDI, 'am I going to have a problem with you?'

'No, Commander Shepard left orders that I should obey any command from you over those of Operative Lawson.'

'What? Why didn't you tell us earlier?' Joker was manoeuvring them away from the Citadel but he glanced up at EDI.

'You did not ask,' now she sounded like she was having a joke at his expense and he groaned. 'Operative Lawson is on her way to the bridge.'

Garrus chuckled as Joker shook his head. 'Hope you're ready.'

'I'm not afraid of Miranda,' Garrus shrugged as he stood behind Joker, his talon resting on the back of his seat. Joker smiled to himself, seemed he was picking up more than a gung-ho attitude from Shepard.

The ship was clear of the dock and moving away from the Citadel when Miranda appeared on the bridge.

'What the hell are you doing?' She stepped up to Joker's chair but Garrus stepped in front of her.

'Going after Shepard.' Garrus spoke calmly but Joker knew he was angry.

'Under whose orders?' Miranda folded her arms across her chest and met his stare.

'Mine,' Garrus turned to face Miranda who wasn't controlling her anger as well as the two males before her.

'You have no authority to give orders on this ship!' She was almost in his face but Garrus didn't flinch.

'That is incorrect, Operative Lawson,' EDI spoke calmly and Miranda glared at the blue orb.

'What do you mean, incorrect?'

'Before she left, Commander Shepard ordered that I obey any commands from Mr Vakarian, especially if it appeared her safety was at risk. As we are currently one hour past the scheduled rendezvous time it would be logical to assume that her safety is at risk.'

'She can't do that!' Miranda's voice jumped an octave.

'It appears that she has,' Garrus turned to Joker, 'get us to Bekenstein, yesterday.'

'Aye, aye,' his hands flew across the console as they slipped into FTL.

'EDI, lock out the controls and return us to the Citadel immediately.' Miranda raised an eyebrow at Garrus.

'I am afraid I cannot do that,' EDI sounded smug and Joker almost laughed. 'Commander Shepard is in command of this ship and I must follow her orders.'

Joker was sure Miranda was about to stamp her feet as her arms dropped and her hands started waving about. 'This is a Cerberus ship and you are a Cerberus AI, you have to obey me!'

'Again that is incorrect,' EDI almost sighed, as if she was explaining something simple to a petulant child. 'You are well aware that, under orders from the Illusive Man, Shepard is in control of this vessel and I must obey her orders.'

'Why have we not picked up Shepard yet?' Samara walked onto the bridge, Thane not far behind.

'There was some confusion over who is in command,' Garrus indicated Miranda and Samara stared at her coldly.

'Can I assume it has been sorted.'

'Yes,' Garrus nodded. 'Is something wrong?'

'Thane and I are ….. concerned for Shepard.'

'That makes three of us,' Joker mumbled and Thane placed his hand on the pilot's shoulder.

'Your siha is strong,' Joker glanced up at him and Thane nodded, 'she will survive.'

'She has to,' Joker almost whispered then added so everyone could hear, 'approximately one hour to Bekenstein.'

Miranda groaned angrily and stormed away, Samara and Thane followed more sedately. Garrus remained behind Joker, as if willing them to move faster.

'Damn Miranda,' Joker cursed the woman. 'If anything has happened to Shepard I'll kill her.'

'It would be unwise for you to attempt such a task,' EDI spoke softly, as if to soften her words. 'You would not be effective against Operative Lawson, her biotic skills are exceptional.'

'Don't worry, Joker,' Garrus chuckled, 'there will be a few of us in front of you to do it for you.'

Joker sighed and nodded, sensing rather than seeing Garrus walk away. His concern for Shepard was growing, eating away at him, he took a deep breath to try and calm his nerves. She'd looked so beautiful when she'd left, the image of her in a dress was something that would stay with him for a long time.

'_Jeff,' Joker hadn't heard her familiar footsteps so he was surprised when she called his name._

_He was about to utter some smart comment but the thought was completely forgotten as he spun his chair. He gaped, unable to force thought or words to come together. Shepard stood before him, dressed in a deliciously tight black dress, heels, make up and styled hair. He instinctively pinched himself and knew he wasn't dreaming. He'd seen her look stunning before but this was way beyond that. A look of concern crossed her face and he smiled before pulling himself to his feet._

'_Do you know how beautiful you are?' He took her hand and spun her around slowly, his eyes lingering, taking in every curve, every flex of muscle as her body moved under the fabric. She chuckled and his eyes finally met hers. 'I really am the luckiest guy alive.'_

_She grinned as he pulled her in for a kiss, his arms sliding around her waist, his hand sliding slowly down the curve of her backside while his other hand rested between her shoulder blades. She slid her arms around his neck and Joker never wanted to move, to let go. He had perfection in his arms and no one could take it away from him._

'Mr Moreau.'

'What is it, EDI?'

'I am picking up a distress signal from the shuttle. It is garbled and the signal is weak.'

'Let's hear it,' his heart was suddenly racing and he broke into a sweat. There had been no contact or feeds from Shepard since she'd departed and he hated it, not knowing what was going on. Yeah she was an N7 but that didn't mean she was indestructible, they'd already proved that and he didn't need a reminder.

'Norman….. need help,,,,,, Shep,,,,, gunship …. Injured …. Dead.' It was Kasumi's voice.

_No! No, no no!_ Joker felt his heart lurch. He hit the com to engineering. 'Donnelly, we need to go faster.'

'What, we're pretty much at full power.'

'Shepard's in trouble, we need to move faster.'

'I might be able to give you a wee bit more but it's gonna push the core to its limits.' Donnelly spoke to Daniels before adding, 'we'll do what we can.'

'Thanks,' Joker was already busy trying to find a way to get more speed or a quicker approach vector. 'EDI, see if you can clear up the transmission and get a lock on the shuttle's position.'

'I have the position.'

Joker glanced up at the nav screen, still too far away. Damn it! Why hadn't Shepard told Garrus he had command? He managed to shave a few minutes off their estimated time.

'Joker, we've got you a two percent increase but it won't last,' Donnelly spoke into his ear.

'I'll take it,' he punched up the speed.

'I have managed to partially clear the signal.' EDI informed him and proceeded to play the message.

'Normandy, we need help ….. injured by gunship ….. shuttle damaged ,,,,,,, losing oxygen. Normandy … no time.'

_Shit!_ Joker looked at the clock, still too long. 'EDI, reroute power from any non-essential systems into the power core.'

'Done, I have also prepared the hangar bay for an uncontrolled pick up.'

'Thanks EDI,' Joker was still trying to shave some time. 'Doc, we need a medical team in the hangar bay, we have an uncontrolled pick up and Shepard is injured.'

'Do we know how?' He could hear Chakwas preparing as she was speaking.

'No, something about a gunship and shuttle damage.' He switched to the open com, 'all crew are to evacuate the hangar deck immediately we have an uncontrolled pick up and a medical emergency, this is not a drill.'

'Joker, what's going on?' Garrus was back, Jacob behind him.

'The shuttle has been damaged and Shepard is injured,' Joker glanced at EDI, 'can you clear it up any more and can we respond?'

'Negative, the shuttle communications seem to be damaged.'

'Damn,' he managed to shave a few more minutes off their time, was it enough?

'I'll go help Dr Chakwas,' Jacob rushed from the bridge.

'Hope you've got that gun ready,' Joker quipped, his hands still a blur on the console.

'Whenever we need it,' the anger and concern in Garrus's voice was no surprise to Joker.

'Shuttle is in visual range,' EDI brought up the image and both Joker and Garrus sucked in a breath.

There were no visible hull breaches but one of the forward thrusters was badly damaged. Oxygen was venting slowly from a ruptured tank making the shuttle spin. As it turned and the front came into view they could see the blast shields closed across the windscreen, both knew what that meant. Joker forced his emotions under control, losing it now would not help Shepard or Kasumi.

'EDI, is there any way to remotely control the shuttle?' Joker was already working out the math in his head for a controlled manoeuvre.

'Negative. Without external communications we have no contact.'

Joker and Garrus looked up at the shuttle and noticed a deep gouge across the top of the ship, that explained why there were no communications. The array was gone. Still ten minutes before they were close enough. _Hang on baby, please hang on._ Joker depressurised the hangar bay and opened the bay doors. This was going to be tricky. He had two choices, bring the shuttle in as it spun, possibly damaging the hangar bay, taking out the doors or the side of the ship, or put the Normandy into a relative spin, match the two ships and close the gap. He opted for the latter.

He heard mumbled voices behind him as he calculated the necessary trajectory and realised the crew was watching on their screens. Hadley quietly slipped into the co-pilot's seat but Joker didn't acknowledge him. There wasn't much he could do but his unspoken support was a boost.

'Things could get a little dizzy,' he informed the crew as the Normandy slid sideways, her tail slowly rotating around.

Too fast, he slowed down their approach. Two minutes, thrusters fired and the ship gave a gentle lurch as she slowed, her nose lining up with the shuttle. It was like a sensuous dance as the Normandy closed the gap, spinning in time with the shuttle, two moving as one. Joker adjusted their speed, recalculated the distance and the thrusters fired again. Sweat dripped from under his cap but he ignored it. His eyes stayed glued to his screens his hands one with the console.

'EDI, I'm going to need emergency clamps engaged on my mark,' he checked the distance again. If he missed this was going to get messy.

Metres became centimetres, the shuttle disappeared beneath the nose of the Normandy and there was a collective gasp as the external cameras showed it moving into the bay. The Normandy was still spinning, a last pirouette before the final bow.

'Now, EDI.' Joker waited for the clamps to engage and the bay to pressurise before allowing himself to relax. He slowed the Normandy and once she was completely stopped he sat back and wiped the sweat from his brow, removing his cap and dropping his head against the head rest. He ran his fingers through his hair and put his cap back on.

'Nice work,' Garrus softly tapped his shoulder.

'That was amazing!' Hadley was still gawking from his seat.

'Thanks,' Joker brought up the feed from the hangar as he set a course for one of the outer planets.

Jacob had crew working on the shuttle, closing down the leaking tank and making sure the drive core was safe. Chakwas had other crewmen carrying a stretcher. She glanced up into the camera and Joker's heart dropped to his feet at the desperation on her face. Kasumi was behind her and even from here Joker could see she was shaking.

'Go.' Garrus spun his chair.

'Hadley, the ship is yours, set us into orbit around Feynman' Joker got to his feet as Hadley stared at him wide eyed. 'EDI, make sure he doesn't crash us into the sun.' Garrus was beside him as they rushed to the medical bay.

* * *

Miranda paced nervously in her quarters, her shoulders hunched, her hands fidgeting with a life of their own. She'd watched on her screen as the shuttle was picked up and as much as she hated to admit it, Joker really was a skilful pilot. Shepard was injured, possibly seriously. If she hadn't been so stubborn, trying to enforce her rule, that might not have happened. Shepard had done nothing to deserve her anger, her resentment, in fact she had been nothing but patient and understanding with her. So why did she feel she had to prove herself whenever the opportunity arose.

The Illusive Man, she needed to show that she was reliable, dependable. If she lost her usefulness she might end up as one of his experiments and that scared her. She knew how Cerberus worked, secrets didn't remain secrets forever, and as much as she owed the Illusive Man she was beginning to see that Cerberus wasn't humanities only hope. If they were why did they need Shepard? Why hadn't he let her put in the control chip? The Illusive Man wasn't as truthful as she had once believed him to be, he was covering himself just like any egotistical maniac would. Her perfect world was disintegrating and she was floundering.

She was, however, in the right place to bring some sense of normality back into her life, a life that she now realised didn't have to include Cerberus. It would be frightening to walk away and she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it. But she had options, as long as she hadn't damaged them too badly. With a nervous sigh she pulled herself upright and headed for the medical bay.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: Hi all, just a warning that updates may be a little erratic in the next couple of weeks. I'm on babysitting duties for the school holidays, four days a week with three grandkids to keep occupied. I will post as often as I can but just wanted to let my readers know.

Hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for taking the time to read, review, follow etc. You really make a girl feel good. ;p

* * *

Joker sat at the table in the mess. He'd paced until his legs gave out and he had to sit down. Now his hands fidgeted and his eyes were glued to the closed medbay door. Mordin had dashed in to help and Chakwas had locked everyone out two hours ago, everyone except for Miranda, and Joker was not happy about that. Yes, she was responsible for Shepard coming back and she knew about the implants but that didn't make it any easier to accept. If she hadn't been such a pigheaded bitch this might not have happened.

'Shepard will be okay,' Garrus sat beside him, he hadn't left the mess either and had done his fair share of wearing a path across the room.

'I can't lose her, Garrus,' Joker felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest with a knife. 'Not again.'

'You won't, she's a fighter, she has you to come back to.'

'Let's hope that's enough.'

'You know, on the SR-1 it was pretty obvious that you two had feelings for each other,' Garrus chuckled and Joker glanced at him. 'It's a shame you didn't act on it, either of you.'

'I didn't think I was what she needed,' Joker rubbed his face, pushing his cap backwards. 'I wasn't strong enough for her. Besides, there were regs.'

'I don't think that mattered, I think she loved you even back then.' Garrus glanced across the room at Tali, 'sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us.'

'Or we're too scared to acknowledge it, in case we're wrong,' Joker nudged his shoulder. 'Don't waste time we might not have.'

'Yeah,' he nodded, 'sounds like good advice.' He stood up and walked over to Tali who looked up at him through her faceplate. Garrus opened his arms and she willingly stepped towards him, letting him hold her and share her pain.

Joker allowed a soft smile to form as he watched but it didn't last. His eyes returned to the medbay door, his fingers tapping absently on the table as he waited. A shadow appeared beside him and he looked up to see Jacob standing beside him.

'Any word?'

'No, not yet.' Joker waited until Jacob was seated. 'Did you see how Kasumi was when they got off the shuttle?'

'No, we were too busy sealing the O2 leak,' he shook his head and glanced over his shoulder towards the medbay. 'The shuttle took some damage, looks like it was hit by a couple of RPGs. I don't know if they would have lasted much longer, the oxygen level was pretty low and the windshield was badly cracked. If they hadn't closed the blast screens…' He left the thought unfinished as he frowned and looked hesitant about continuing. 'Why were we late?'

'Miranda,' Joker growled angrily. 'Trying to show whose boss again. If Shepard dies I'll kill her.'

'Stand in line,' Jacob was angry and Joker glanced at him in surprise. 'What, you think you're the only one who cares for her, not in the same way but she's special, one of a kind.'

'Yeah,' Joker chuckled, 'she always has been.' There was no stronger evidence than the people around him. Samara and Thane sitting quietly at the end of the table, or Gardner, trying to look busy and failing miserably. Grunt, pacing the floor and thumping his fists, Joker was surprised that he was actually quiet. Zaeed leaning casually against the wall, but his eyes glancing at the window of medbay. It was amazing how she pulled such a group of people together. She was an amazing woman and the thought of losing her, again, was something he didn't want to think about.

The lock on the door turned green, Joker was on his feet as quickly as his legs would allow and heading towards it. Chakwas stopped him gently as he almost crashed into her. She sighed and met his eyes before glancing around at the rest of the crew waiting for news.

'Shepard and Kasumi will be okay,' she spoke loud enough for everyone to hear before leading Joker into the medbay.

'Doc?' his eyes immediately went to Shepard on the bed before him. She was pale, her skin drawn and bruised.

'Apparently they destroyed a gunship and some of the shrapnel went straight through her weakened shields and pierced her armour. One piece lodged in her chest, broke two ribs and punctured her lung. Medigel slowed the bleeding but there was a lot of internal damage it didn't help.' Chakwas shook her head, 'a few centimetres either way and we may have lost her. Kasumi saved her life.'

'Very close,' Mordin nodded, patted Joker's shoulder and left.

A sound that was halfway between a sob and a groan escaped and Joker felt the doctor grab his hand. She squeezed his fingers gently before indicating he should sit with Shepard. He didn't have to be told twice. Nervously he sat alongside the bed and looked across at Miranda who was checking a monitor.

'Get out,' Joker glared at her.

'Mr Moreau …..'

'Get out,' he went to stand up but Miranda nodded and moved to the end of the bed.

'Mr Moreau, for what it's worth, I'm sorry,' she whispered and left.

Joker ignored her. He reached for Shepard's hand, it was cold and seemed exceptionally tiny in his. It felt so weak, so human and the urge to protect her from harm overwhelmed him. He raised his eyes to her face and brushed away a stray lock of hair, his finger lightly brushing the side of her face, trying to avoid the bruises.

'Hey you,' he spoke just above a whisper. 'You really know how to scare a guy, don't you?' He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. 'You know, I might have to do something dangerous just so you know how it feels.'

'What, you're going to run through CIC,' It was a whisper but his heart soared as her eyes met his.

'I just might,' he leaned forward and kissed her cold lips.

'Kasumi?' She swallowed hard and he quickly reached for the glass of water on the desk beside him, which she sipped eagerly.

'Asleep,' he glanced over to the other occupied bed and felt a little guilty that he hadn't checked on her. 'You should be too, you need to rest.'

'Aye, aye,' she gave a soft smile as her eyes closed and he felt her relax.

Tears burned his eyes as he dropped his head onto the pillow beside her and watched her chest rise and fall evenly. She was safe, alive and with him. The world was perfect again and he sighed with relief. Guilt nagged at him though so he quietly stood up and checked on Kasumi. She had a few cuts and bruises but no major injuries from what he could see. This was the first time he'd seen her without her hood and he was surprised at how young she looked. Her boyish hair and smooth skin belied the experienced thief that was within.

He heard the door open and felt Chakwas come to stand beside him. 'How is Kasumi, doc?'

'She's fine, a few superficial wounds but she was exhausted from trying to keep Shepard alive so I sedated her.'

'She looks so young,' he commented and Chakwas chuckled.

'She is young, and I hope you respect her privacy,' she frowned at him.

'Don't worry doc, her secret is safe with me, I owe her that much.' He moved back beside Shepard, 'How long will she be out?'

'Hopefully a few hours, you should go and eat, get some rest,' she placed her hand on his arm, 'I promise I will call you when she wakes up.'

'Okay, doc,' he sat in the chair and made himself comfortable, 'in a minute.'

Dr Chakwas chuckled and shook her head, knowing how obstinate he could be she headed out to the mess. If he wouldn't go for food, the food would have to come to him.

It was a couple of hours later when someone gently rubbing his arm woke him. He looked up groggily to see Kasumi looking down at him. His bones creaked as he straightened up and stretched.

'Hi, Kasumi,' He glanced at Shepard who appeared to be sleeping calmly. 'You okay,' he turned back to the thief, noticing that her hood was back in place.

'Yeah,' she seemed nervous, 'I'm so sorry, Joker.' A tear rolled down her cheek.

'Hey,' he stood up and pulled her into a hug. 'It wasn't your fault. You didn't know what was going to happen. I should be thanking you anyway, you saved her life.'

'But she was in that position because of me, because I couldn't let go of the man I loved, his memories. It's all I have left.'

'Right,' he stepped back to look at her, 'and I waited for Shepard to come back from the dead. You don't have to apologise to me.'

'How is she?'

''Good, all things considered. Doc says she'll make a complete recovery.'

'I'm glad,' she sighed and stepped back. 'Joker, I need help,' she pulled a small box from her pocket. 'These are Keiji's memories, all I have left of him, but there are files on here that would damage the Alliance if they got out. He wants me to destroy this but I don't know if I can.'

'When Shepard died I wanted to hang on to anything I could find that had been hers, reminded me of her. I wallowed in guilt and self-pity and the more I hung on to her the worse I got. If Cerberus hadn't come along I probably wouldn't be here telling you this, things were pretty dark for a while.' He sighed and took her hands in his, 'I can't tell you one way or the other what to do, only you can make that decision. All I will ask is, do you really need to lock yourself away inside a memory box, will that give you closure or will it make you lose yourself grasping at something you know is not real. Are your memories strong enough for you to remember him without it?'

'I don't know,' she shook her head. 'I …'

'Look, you don't have to decide right now.' He pulled her in close again, 'think about it, talk to Shepard or Dr Chakwas. You'll know what the right decision is.'

'Thanks Joker,' she squeezed him gently and kissed him lightly on the cheek before stepping back, turning and leaving the room.

Joker watched her go, wondering if he could ever make that decision. He would want to lose himself in memories, to shut out the world, he knew because he had already done it. His stomach growled its discontent and he realised he hadn't eaten. He was about to leave when he noticed sandwiches and drinks on the desk. With a smile he looked towards the mess and saw Chakwas looking at him with a smile. He threw her a salute as he sat down to eat, to wait for the love of his life to wake up so he knew everything was going to be all right.

* * *

Joker wanted to shoot Zaeed. Shepard was out on a mission, much too early for his peace of mind. She'd only just healed from the last one but he got the feeling she was in a hurry to get things finished. Hopefully not at the cost of her life. She really should have taken a few more days before going into battle again.

Zaeed, apparently, was on a personal vendetta, out to get the man who had taken the Blue Suns from him and blown away almost half of his face. Who knew, the merc in the cargo bay was the founder of the Blue Suns. Joker didn't know whether to be afraid of him or pity him for what had happened. Right now though he was just frustrated with him. It was one fire fight after another, and that was after Shepard had forced him into saving the civilians caught in the crossfire and the destruction of the refinery.

When they failed to stop Vido the battle scarred merc had got angry at Shepard, who was exceptionally calm all things considered. Joker had a suspicion that she was seething but not showing it, the tenseness in her voice and the grip on her gun gave it away. Garrus was shaking his head with made the feed a little sickening and Joker chuckled.

'You idiot!' Shepard was shaking her head at Zaeed as he lay beneath the beam that had collapsed on him, purely his fault when anger got the better of him and he'd tossed a hot cartridge into leaking fuel.

'Shepard, get me out of here.'

'Why? How do I know I can trust you? What you did was thoughtless and stupid. I won't work with anyone who puts my team at risk.' She was standing over him with her shotgun pointed at his face and Joker hoped it was purely for show. 'I should fucking leave you here!'

Zaeed seemed to give up, he dropped his head back and looked up at her. There was defeat and disappointment in his eyes and as much as Joker wanted to shoot him he also felt sorry for him. He imagined it would be hard to give up on something that you'd been chasing for so long, carried so much hatred for.

'All right, Shepard, you win,' Zaeed sighed, 'I'll wait until your mission is over, you can trust me to have your back.'

Shepard knelt down alongside him, 'I will help you find him, when we're done with the Collectors.'

Zaeed nodded and Joker cursed silently. He knew she would live up to her words, so much for a bit of peace and quiet when this was over. With a little help from Garrus Zaeed was soon back on his feet and the shuttle was on its way back. It had no sooner docked than EDI informed Shepard that the Illusive Man wanted to speak to her.

It wasn't long before Shepard slid into the co-pilot's seat. Joker noticed the dark circles around her eyes, she really needed more rest. He also knew she was too stubborn to get it. She'd been having nightmares again, several times in the last week he'd woken to the sound of her crying in her sleep and he'd pulled her into his arms. It seemed to settle her down but the disturbed sleep wasn't doing much for her health.

'Hey you,' he looked up at her from under the brim of his cap.

'Hey yourself, cutie,' she smiled weakly.

'Hi, Smooshcakes,' he laughed as she gaped at him. 'I warned you,' he shook his finger at her and she laughed. 'Bet that last mission was fun.' Joker sat back and turned to look at her. 'You okay?'

'Yeah, wanted to shoot him, but yeah.'

'Me too, should have let me lock him out on Omega,' he chuckled and she grinned at him. 'What did the boss want?'

'Apparently he's found a Reaper IFF and we're going after it.'

Joker felt his guts turn over, 'why doesn't that sound good?'

'Because it's inside a derelict Reaper.' She met his eyes and he could see the fear she hid from everyone else. Normally he had to look harder which only reinforced how tired she was.

'Seriously!' He didn't know how to respond. 'This is bound to be another trap,' he shook his head and she nodded.

'Probably, but we have no choice. If we want to take down the Collectors we need to go through the Omega 4 relay. We need the IFF to do it.'

'You know I'll take you wherever you want to go,' he leaned over and took her hand, 'I'm with you whatever happens.'

'I know, and you have no idea how much that means to me,' she leaned forward and kissed his hands. 'I guess we'd better go get it then we can get this over with.'

'Your wish is my command,' Joker gave a mock bow and she laughed.

'I have a few wishes I want filled,' she looked at him through hooded eyes that were dark with emotion.

'I think I can help with that,' he felt his body respond as it normally did. 'Just say the word.'

'The word,' she whispered as her fingers ran through his beard and he shivered. The quicker this mission was over the happier he'd be.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he whispered back before sighing deeply and reluctantly turning back to his console and linking in to the Galaxy map. Once the course was set he turned to see Shepard asleep beside him. He didn't have the heart to disturb her, he had a couple of hours before he was off duty and he was more than happy to have her beside him until then.


	33. Chapter 33

It was to be expected; of course it was. In Shepard's eyes she had no choice. If it were up to Joker they would be heading in the opposite direction, but he'd been given an order so he followed it. Dread and fear ate at him but he still followed it. He could do nothing else. Shepard trusted him to stand by her side, take her into danger and bring her out again, so he would.

'Relay in five, four, three ….' The last shudder was still ending as Joker checked his boards. 'Transit successful, board is green.' Post relay checks were under way and Joker watched as each one came back positive.

'Eight hours to destination,' EDI informed him.

'Thanks EDI. I want full scans and anything else we can get to tell us what we're getting into and I want them as early as possible.'

'Understood, Mr Moreau. Your bio readings show exceptionally high levels of stress.'

'Of course they do,' he scoffed. 'We're about to go into the belly of the beast with no trustworthy intel and no knowing what we'll find. But hey, that's normal procedure for our missions. Why would I be stressed?'

'I meant no insult, Mr Moreau, I was …. concerned.'

Joker glanced over at her, he definitely thought of her as female these days, 'thanks, EDI, but I'll be fine. It's Shepard I'm worried about. Once she's inside that thing …..' he sighed deeply.

'Commander Shepard is a capable warrior, an excellent strategist and more than able to survive this mission.'

'I know,' he spun to face her orb, somehow it felt more natural to talk to something visual even though it wasn't necessary. 'I have no doubt about her abilities, I've been with her long enough to know what she's capable of. But she's the woman I love and I don't want to lose her again, this is more personal.'

'Then the logical assumption is that carrying on a relationship with Shepard is not a good thing and should be stopped.'

'No!' He sat forward hurriedly and pushed his cap to the back of his head, 'no, that's not what I meant. Loving someone means you worry about them, you don't want to see them walk into danger. You want to protect them, help them.' He shook his head, 'not that I can do much to protect her.'

'You do more than you realise,' EDI was offering support and Joker raised his eyebrows at her. 'If it was not for you Shepard may have died several times, you have been there to provide protection, to bring her home.'

'Yeah, I killed her too.'

'That was not your fault. I have the SR-1 files, including the destruction, and if you had not stayed more of the crew would have died. You saved their lives, Mr Moreau, you should be proud of that. Commander Shepard understood that. The Collectors killed her.'

'Sounds good in theory,' he glanced out of the viewport as memory invaded. 'Reality was different.'

'That still does not change the facts. You are as much a hero as Shepard but your weapon is your ship. You are an excellent pilot, better than most. I have no doubt you will be there to save Shepard when the time comes.'

'Better than most?' He glared at her. 'I'm the best.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau, you are.' Was she patronising him now?

'All right, EDI,' he stood up and stretched. 'I'm going to eat and get some sleep. Wake me when we're an hour out please.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau. Should I call Mr Hadley.'

'Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt. Run him through some simulations but don't let him have control.'

'He is improving and gaining confidence.'

'I know, but I want some sleep, not waking in panic.' Joker chuckled as he walked away.

Shepard was asleep when he entered what had become their quarters and he smiled at her spread across the bed. He loved her with every inch of his being but she could be a bed hog. He took a quick shower but as he stepped back into the room he was concerned to see her curled into a foetal position, shaking and moaning. She was dreaming, again. As quickly as his legs would allow he slipped under the covers and gently stroked her hair. He'd learned to let her know he was there so she didn't strike out at him, even in her sleep she seemed to know it was him. Slowly he moved closer and wrapped himself around her, pulling her into his arms and whispering gently in her ear.

Eventually she calmed and rolled over, burying her head into his chest. He held her close, his hand still softly stroking her hair, his chin gently resting on her head. Gradually he felt her breathing slow and he knew she was sleeping peacefully. She told him she didn't remember what she dreamt about but he wasn't sure that he should believe her, he'd seen the haunted look in her eyes when she awoke.

He allowed himself to relax, taking pleasure in simply holding her while she slept. If someone had told him two years ago that his arms would be wrapped around her, that he would be sharing her bed, her life, he would have told them they were idiots. Yet here he was. It still overwhelmed him sometimes, the love he felt, the love she gave and he promised her silently that he would never take It for granted. He felt her sigh against him and he softly kissed her hair, a smile ghosting his face as he settled into the pillow and closed his eyes. These were the moments he treasured and as sleep claimed him he couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

* * *

Joker awoke to the feel of fingers running up and down his abdomen, following the line of muscle that his workouts had helped to define. Slowly they slid down to the top of his boxers, running under the elastic teasingly, before working their way back up to his chest, circling a nipple and brushing across the sensitive hollow of his neck. He couldn't stop the way his body responded, not that he wanted to, and he smiled as the teasing vixen beside him chuckled and playfully nipped his nipple.

'Ow,' he groaned and she laughed before kissing it better. 'Is there something you want?' He forced his eyes open and turned his head to look into Shepard's eyes, 'or are you just tormenting me because you can't sleep?'

'Maybe a bit of both,' she grinned as her hand worked its way south again.

'You're an evil woman,' his breath hitched as her hand slipped under the waistband and brushed his growing erection, before returning to his chest. 'You'll wear me out and then where will you be?' He gently cupped her face and kissed her tenderly.

'Old and grey and possibly too old to care,' she ran her fingers through his beard and he shivered.

'So you plan on keeping me around for that long,' he smirked and she pulled herself up onto her elbow so she was looking down at him.

'That depends on how good you are to me,' she kissed her way down his chest, her tongue making lazy circles around his nipples.

'Let me show you,' he grinned as he rolled her over and returned the pleasure, loving her moans as he sucked and nipped her nipple while his other hand slowly worked its way beneath the sheets.

He lost himself in her, every touch, taste, scent and sound pulling him deeper into the surreal world where only they existed. She gripped his hair as he descended into her wet core, his tongue absorbing her sweetness, her sensual moans driving him on. She kissed him deeply as he slipped out of his boxers and into her, filling her completely, feeling her surround him perfectly. He groaned as she tightened around him, as her body quivered in release and it pulled him over the edge. He shuddered in delight as she pulled him in closer, urged him on and his release exploded inside her, making her moan in satisfaction. They lay together still joined as only lovers can be, cherishing the moment, the pleasure, the feeling of oneness, of connectedness.

'Hey you,' Joker lifted himself up far enough to look into her eyes, still inside her, feeling the stirring of desire as she smiled at him.

'Hey yourself,' she ran her fingers down the side of his face and across his lips.

'Good enough,' he kissed her nose then worked his way down her neck.

'Not bad,' she chuckled and he felt her clench around him, holding him in place, bringing him slowly back to full arousal.

'You're a hard woman to please,' he whispered as his tongue flicked a nipple and she moaned as he gently thrust into her.

She sucked in a breath as her legs wrapped around him. 'You seem to be doing a good job,' he gasped as she rolled him over and straddled his hips gently, sheathing him even more deeply.

'I aim to please,' he forced out huskily as her mouth found his and there was no more talking.

* * *

Joker had no idea how long they'd been lying wrapped around each other, dozing in the afterglow, he didn't particularly care either. They were completely sated, satisfied and content. He couldn't help the grin on his face and the joy in his heart. There was just no way to control the elation he felt. If he had his way there would be no moving from this bed, from her arms. He would be happy to stay here forever.

Shepard was in no hurry to move, to lose the warmth and comfort of Joker's arms. She had never felt this way in her life and it overwhelmed her. Yet she wasn't afraid of it as she once thought she would be. She felt whole for the first time in her life, complete and unashamedly happy. She wanted to stay right where she was, forget the rest of the galaxy and lock them both away in their own little cocoon.

'Commander, Mr Moreau, we will reach the Reaper in one hour.'

So much for that. They both sighed and hugged each other tightly, postponing the moment when they had to move. But it had to come eventually.

'I love you,' Joker raised her face to his and kissed her gently, his lips saying more than words ever could.

'I love you,' she looked deeply into his eyes and he understood her message.

Shepard rolled away and Joker watched her head for the shower, his heart was aching, both for the love he held for her and with fear for what she was about to do. But they were warriors, protectors and defenders. It was their role in life and as much as he wanted to walk away, to take her with him, he knew they never would. With a deep breath he got up and walked to the bathroom, meeting Shepard as she was coming out. He couldn't help himself, he slapped her playfully on the backside, all serious thought forgotten for a moment as she yelped and flicked him with her towel. They were both chuckling as the door closed between them.

* * *

Joker was working hard to maintain flight control when Shepard rushed up behind him, already armoured and ready to go. He ignored the clenching of his stomach, concentrating instead on the wind shear tossing them around.

'What's going on, Joker?'

'Just a bit of wind, you know, a 500 kph breeze,' his hands were a blur on the console. 'There's a ship alongside the Reaper, looks like Geth.'

'Explains a few things,' Shepard muttered behind him.

'Shit!' He cursed as smooth flight returned.

'What happened?'

'This things fields are still active, we just passed inside the envelope,' he glanced up at her, 'this thing might not be completely dead.'

Shepard placed her hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze, 'then maybe we'll have to kill it.' She turned and walked away, Joker's heart going with her.

'Eye of the hurricane,' he muttered as he worked the controls.

Joker watched the feed from the ground team, the knots in his stomach getting tighter with each passing step. There was a sudden spike and lights flashed on his console. _Fuck!_ He double-checked the readings.

'Commander, we've got a problem. The Reaper's kinetic barriers just activated. We can't get through from here.'

'Shit! Roger that, Joker. Can we take them down?'

'I am sending you the co-ordinates for the mass effect core,' EDI informed Shepard and Joker watched the location pop up on the ship scans. 'The core is maintaining the ship's altitude.'

'So disabling it will result in the ship falling into the planet's core.' Shepard sighed into the com.

'And that means everyone dies, yeah, I get it,' Joker cursed silently.

'I have no doubt you'll pull our asses out of here,' he could almost see her smiling and he shook his head.

'Of course,' he tried to sound confident and she chuckled. 'Good hunting, Commander.'

He was already working on an exit strategy as Shepard moved further into the ship. 'EDI, can we get closer to the core without getting tangled? You know, just in case.'

'I believe so, once the barriers are down we should be able to approach at this point.'

Joker looked at the nav point, the speed of descent once the core was disabled, the raging torrent around them. _Fuck!_ This was going to be close. 'Hadley, get up here.' He called over his shoulder and once Hadley settled in the co-pilot's chair Joker glanced at him. 'Don't touch anything, just watch and learn.' Hadley nodded and brought up his screens, his eyes widened and he looked at Joker. 'Yeah, I know.' Joker's hands were punching in numbers, setting courses while his brain did the math, all the while trying not to think of Shepard being on that ship. All he could do now was wait.


	34. Chapter 34

Indoctrination. Joker knew the dictionary definition but it definitely didn't fit in the Reaper's case, there was certainly no teaching going on, brainwashing would be a better word to use. It was a word Joker and many others had come to hate. It was a word Shepard had come to fear. As Shepard played the science team logs it became obvious that they had lost their will to the big ugly monster that was a Reaper. They were indoctrinated.

'_Jeff, I want you to promise me something,' Shepard looked up at him from where she rested on his chest._

'_What?' He nuzzled her hair, content to have the woman of his dreams in his arms._

'_If you ever think I'm indoctrinated I want you to isolate me, make sure I don't convince others to follow me into some kind of Reaper worship.'_

'_Right, so now I have to watch for you spouting prayers to cuttlefish gods and turning into a zombie,' he laughed and she sighed. He realised she was serious. He cupped her face and met her eyes, 'you are the strongest willed person I know, if they get into your head we're all screwed.'_

'_It's just …..'_

'_You hate the thought of losing control,' he finished and she nodded. He could see the fear in her eyes. 'I promise to chain you to the bed if you ever start praising the Reapers.' He lifted her face to his, 'although I can think of better reasons to have you chained to a bed.' He dropped his lips to hers and felt her tremble. He would do anything she asked of him, he knew that, but right then she needed him to take her fears away. So he did._

'Shit, that's big,' Zaeed came up behind him and stared out the view port, bringing his thoughts back to the present. 'You lot took down one of these things?' He looked at Joker with new found respect.

'Yeah, had a bit of help but it wasn't easy, and Sovereign was only a small one.' Joker heard other footsteps come up behind him as Kasumi, Tali and Mordin joined Zaeed behind him.

'I wish we'd never had to see another one of these things,' he got the impression Tali shivered inside her suit.

'Very impressive technology, designed to intimidate, terrify,' Mordin commented as he looked out at the Reaper that filled their view.

'Ya think, big black robot type cuttlefish coming at you,' Joker grimaced, 'certainly worked.' He had become accustomed to having company on the bridge whenever anything really interesting was going on. It still bothered him sometimes but he had learned to shut out the distraction, and sometimes he appreciated the company.

Shepard and her team were deep inside the ship and they'd already had to fight of an army of husks. How big was the science team they sent in? Joker had a feeling there was more going on here than just scientific study, this was a Cerberus team after all. He grinned as he recalled Miranda's anger at not being allowed to join the team, he half expected her to go anyway. Obviously Shepard had the same thought as she'd asked Thane to keep an eye on her. Shots ahead of them caused a moment of pause.

'Sniper,' Garrus was instantly on guard, 'someone's still alive in here.'

'Watch your backs,' Shepard spun forward, her rifle instantly at the ready. She urged her team forward and once more husks came at them from all sides but this time with the support of Scions.

'Where are they all coming from?' Tail's question only supported Joker's theory about the size of the science team.

'What is that?'

Garrus's surprised question drew all eyes to the feed. Joker was unsure what they were looking at, surely the scientists wouldn't have done that. The thought made him shiver and his concern for Shepard intensified.

'Looks like an altar,' Shepard looked up to take in the full view before her. 'They were worshipping the Reapers.'

'That's just damn creepy,' Jacob commented as he reloaded his gun and surveyed the room, walking over to pick up a couple of clips and to kick the remains of a husk for good measure.

'Shit,' Kasumi mumbled and Joker nodded.

What remained of the science team hung impaled on Dragons Teeth set out in a design that could only indicate worship. It was an altar of sorts.

'What are those things?' Zaeed leaned forward to get a better view and Joker realised that not everyone had first-hand experience with Reapers and their technology.

'We call them Dragons Teeth,' Joker heard Tali curse behind him. 'It's how they create husks.'

'Damn, hope I never end up on one of those things.'

'Don't worry,' Kasumi chuckled, 'if you do I'll make sure you're dead before you're a husk.'

'Thanks,' Zaeed nodded absently and Joker held back his grin.

The further Shepard and her team went into the Reaper the more worried Joker became. There seemed to be an endless army of husks and he could hear the heavy breathing from all three as they fought their way through. They managed to get a breather as Shepard examined their options. Shepard suddenly jumped and Joker heard a whistle. She spun to see husks coming up behind her but all had been shot cleanly through the head and fell at her feet.

'Shepard-Commander.'

Joker gaped as Shepard and her team faced forward to find a Geth lowering its sniper rifle before it turned and walked away.

'What the?' Shepard seemed dumbfounded. 'Did everyone hear that?'

'Yeah, we heard it,' Joker was shaking his head as he spoke.

'Geth don't talk!' Tali was more surprised than anyone.

'I didn't think Geth operated alone,' Garrus added, although he never stopped scanning the area around them.

'Well this one did,' Shepard raised her weapon. 'Let's move.'

* * *

Joker was on edge but the adrenaline only fuelled his anticipation of what he was about to do. It was almost time and his hands hovered above his console. He could hear the conversation behind him but he ignored it. He heard the gunshots from the ground team but he ignored them too.

'Get ready, Joker.' Shepard warned him between gunshots.

'Ready and waiting, Commander,' Joker glanced up at his screens. This had to be perfectly timed. 'EDI, I'll need full power on my command.'

Behind him everyone had gone quiet except for the soft breathing and shuffling of feet as they readied themselves for fast flight. Beside him Hadley shifted in his seat, the leather squeaking beneath him but Joker was oblivious. He took a deep breath as Shepard fired and disabled the mass effect core.

'Now EDI,' his hands flew across the console as the Normandy danced for him. The Reaper took several seconds to respond but it was all he needed to get himself in position.

Suddenly the Reaper lurched but Joker was already ahead of it. The kinetic barriers were gone and the Reaper began its slow fall into death. Matching its speed and rate of descent Joker dropped the Normandy, feeling the pull as the inertial dampeners compensated. He opened the airlock, his hands working furiously to control the ship as the external forces pulled and pushed, fighting him and dragging them down with the Reaper. A thud behind him told him that at least one of the ground team was aboard.

'We're in, go Joker.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he whispered and the Normandy danced sideways before her nose pointed up and away from the Reaper that was now beneath them. She was a Phoenix rising from the ashes as the Reaper exploded below them, her wings carrying them away to safety.

Joker kept them in full flight until they were at the edge of the system where he finally slowed and brought them to a stop. It was only then he realised there was a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up to see Shepard smiling down at him. He sighed and sat back, resting his hand over hers while his other hand set the system to run full diagnostics.

'See, told you,' Shepard grinned at him. 'Knew you'd get our asses out of there.'

'Was there ever any doubt?' He chuckled as he spun to face her.

'Not in my mind,' she almost purred and he shivered. 'I'm going to clean up, dinner in an hour.'

'Sure,' he smiled as she turned to walk away, deliberately swinging her hips. He was chuckling as she disappeared into the CIC and he turned back to check his console. They were one step closer to finishing this, one step closer to some time for the two of them. It couldn't come soon enough.

'Man, that was awesome,' Joker turned to Hadley who was still in the co-pilot's seat, his eyes wide with admiration.

'Thanks,' Joker chuckled.

'You know, I will never be as good as you but if I even come close I'll be happy.'

'Well,' Joker spun and pulled himself to his feet, 'you can start by making sure all the diagnostics come back clean.'

'Thanks, Joker,' Hadley stood up and held out his hand.

'What for?' Joker shook it and looked at him strangely.

'For letting me handle your baby, I know how much she means to you, and for giving me the opportunity to learn from the best.'

Joker laughed, 'well, someone has to look bad, makes me look better. And you're welcome, but you'd better take good care of her.'

'Only the best for the best,' Hadley grinned as Joker turned to walk away.

He noticed that Hadley's grin got wider as he gently stroked the arms of Joker's chair. Hero worship, he never thought he would have it but it certainly felt good. Joker was still chuckling as he stepped into the lift. Yep, he could live with a bit of hero worship.

* * *

Joker sat beside Shepard in the mess, she'd already got two dinners and she smiled up at him. Her hair was still wet from the shower and Joker wanted to run his hands through it. His leg rested against hers and he felt her warmth, it sent a shiver through him and she chuckled.

'Hey you,' she linked her fingers through his.

'Hey yourself,' he lifted her hand and kissed it lightly. 'Feel better now?'

'Yeah,' she returned the kiss to his fingers but there was sadness in her eyes. 'We couldn't save the science team.'

'You did what you could, it was too late for them.' Joker watched as she played with her food. He had a strong feeling that the Illusive Man hadn't wanted her to save them.

'What if we're too late for everyone else too?'

'Hey, it wasn't your fault,' he turned her face so she was looking at him. 'That science team was indoctrinated, they were gone long before we got there.'

'Maybe,' she shrugged. 'I hate not saving them though.

'I know,' he nodded, 'but you've saved more than you've lost. You'll save everyone you can, I know that and you know that. It's who you are.'

'I'm glad you have faith in me,' she grinned at him and he was relieved.

'Always have, always will. Hey, I don't want to get on your bad side, you might shoot me.' He backed away from her annoyed stare and laughed.

'You'd better be careful then,' she laughed back.

'Now eat,' Joker pushed her plate towards her and was glad to see her finally start eating, relaxing a little and letting go of the disappointment.

'I'm going to activate the Geth,' they were almost finished their meal but Joker just about choked on the mouthful he was eating.

'What,' he spluttered between gasps.

'I want to know why it's wearing my armour, why it helped us.' She looked at him and he realised she was serious.

'Is that really a good idea?'

'Guess I'll find out,' she shrugged and smiled at him. 'Miranda wants me to hand it over to Cerberus but I can't do that, so I need to talk to it. Don't worry, I'll take back up.'

'I would hope so,' Joker sighed, knowing there was no chance of talking her out of it. 'Be careful, please.'

'I'm always careful,' she laughed and he shook his head in disbelief.

'Of course you are,' he chuckled and pulled her into a hug. 'But your idea of careful and mine aren't exactly the same.'

She leaned up and kissed him before pulling back and standing up. 'I'll go get Garrus, he's happy to watch my back.'

Joker watched her head for the battery before standing up and heading back to the bridge. She was an amazing woman and a strong warrior but sometimes she had the curiosity of a child, and he absolutely loved that about her.

Joker settled himself in his seat and brought up the camera feed from the AI core just in time to see Shepard activate the Geth. His heart skipped a beat as she stepped up to the barrier between them and proceeded to ask it questions. Garrus was right behind her, rifle in hand and Jacob was right behind him, his fist glowing as he kept a careful eye on the thing. If he was honest with himself, Joker had to admit to a little excitement and pride.

This was the first encounter he was aware of with a talking Geth since before the Morning War, and the privilege was theirs, well Shepard's anyway. This had to go down in the history books. He knew the Geth were sentient, as far as an AI could be, but he'd never thought of them as anything but machines before now. Watching Shepard carry on a conversation with it made him think otherwise. It also made him think of EDI. She was an AI and lately she seemed to be more aware, more like a thinking being than a collection of wires and circuits. How far could an AI advance? Could they really feel emotions, live among organics and not feel superior?

_Damn, when did I become so philosophical?_ He laughed inwardly at himself and glanced up at the screen as Shepard lowered the barrier and welcomed Legion to the crew. Well, that's one way to make history. Garrus must have been convinced because he put away his weapon and although Jacob was still frowning it appeared he was giving the Geth the benefit of the doubt. Joker had a fleeting thought about EDI and Legion getting together and taking over the ship but that was just absurd, wasn't it. His terminal beeped at him and he looked at it in surprise when he saw who was calling.

'Commander,' he watched her look up at the camera. 'I have an incoming message from Admiral Hackett, marked private.'

'I'll take it in my quarters,' she smiled at him and disappeared from view.

Joker couldn't shake the cold shiver that ran down his spine. Last time they got word from the Alliance they'd ended up at Alchera, He had a bad feeling about this, a really bad feeling. He really, really hoped to hell he was wrong.


	35. Chapter 35

A/N: Yay, holidays are over, grandkids are back at school and hubby is back at work ;) Regular updates will resume (hopefully) and we're getting close to the end.

Hope you enjoy and please let me know if you find anything glaringly wrong. Also, this chapter refers to Arrival and Overlord DLCs, just letting you know.

* * *

Panic was taking hold. Joker forced himself to take a deep breath, to hold down the bile that rose in his throat, to stop his heart from racing. They'd been hiding among the outer planets dropping in and out of stealth to prevent detection but the heat sinks would need releasing soon. He didn't know if it was a good idea to do that in system.

He'd been working through the details of the Reaper IFF with EDI, Donnelly and Tali so he had been busy, but they were at a point where the decision had to be made about installing it. They needed Shepard for that.

'EDI, anything?' He glanced at her orb, 'please tell me you've found something.'

'No, Mr Moreau, I have not.' Was that concern and sympathy he heard?

'Damn, where the fuck is she!'

Joker ran his scans again, he needed to be doing something or he'd go insane. Two days since Shepard left the ship. She'd promised him she wouldn't be long, it would be a quick in and out. She was an N7, this was what she did. Something had gone wrong. She wouldn't be out of contact for two days. Not if she could help it. The last time she'd lost contact on a mission was when she'd rescued David Archer, but that had only been a couple of hours. They'd known she was still alive because the attacks on the Normandy had been thwarted on the ground even though the ground team had been left behind. She hadn't been good when she came back from that, from having her mind taken over by a human computer hybrid. But at least she came back.

Fear threatened and he was starting to feel physically ill. It couldn't happen again, she wouldn't let it happen again. He didn't know if he could deal with it a second time around. He couldn't lose her, not now. _Stop it! She's Commander fucking Shepard for crying out loud!_

'Any word?' Garrus and Kasumi walked onto the bridge and Joker was extremely glad of the distraction.

'No,' Joker shook his head and looked up at him, 'I'm really worried Garrus.'

'Shepard will be okay,' Kasumi put her hand on his shoulder but there was worry in her voice.

'It's not like her to be out of contact,' Garrus paced the small space available. 'Why can't EDI track her?'

'I am unable to track Commander Shepard,' EDI popped into view.

'Why?' Joker turned towards her, 'we know you can track our omnitools so why not?'

'Because all communications are being actively blocked.'

'What! Why didn't you mention this earlier?' Joker was quickly becoming frustrated with the AI.

'You did not ask.'

'Damn it, EDI!' He removed his cap and ran his hands through his hair. 'What's blocking them?'

'Unknown, I have however picked up a heat signature from a nearby asteroid.'

'What's causing it?' Garrus stopped pacing and faced her.

'Unknown, it is not a natural phenomenon, the asteroid appears to be in a controlled flight. It appears to be human in origin.'

'What the ….? Co-ordinates?'

'Available now,' Edi informed him and Joker quickly set a course. It was something and he needed to focus on it.

Garrus watched as Joker set course and brought up scans. 'EDI, what's the trajectory on that asteroid?'

'It is heading towards the mass relay.'

'What happens if it hits it?' Joker looked up at him and he shook his head.

'Unknown. Hypothetical probabilities indicate that the relay will be destroyed with the possibility of the destruction of the local system.' EDI explained.

Joker gaped at Garrus who sighed and nodded. 'How long do we have before it's too late to leave the system?'

'Approximately two hours at its current speed, it is, however, increasing in speed as it nears the relay.'

'Fuck!' Joker spun back to his console and readied a course for the relay, he had no intention of leaving until they found Shepard but he had to be ready.

'Isn't there a Batarian colony on Aratoht?' Garrus frowned and Joker guts churned at the thought of Shepard being down there.

'Yes, 300,000 Batarians currently reside on the planet.' EDI brought up an image of the world in question.

'What's going on?' Miranda walked up behind him and glanced from Garrus to Joker who, as much as he hated doing it, explained their situation. 'Where is Shepard?'

'We don't know …..'

'What the hell was she thinking, going off alone on some Alliance mission. This is a Cerberus ship, she no longer works for the Alliance.' Miranda paced angrily. 'She had no right, she's supposed to be on a mission for the Illusive Man, he won't take this kindly.'

'Like that matters,' Joker scoffed and Miranda glared at him. 'She will be back.' He sounded more confident than he felt.

'You really should calm down,' Kasumi chuckled and Miranda turned on her angrily. 'Yelling and carrying on like a child will not get you anywhere. It is what it is.'

'You …..!' Miranda spluttered, unaccustomed to having her behaviour questioned. 'One hour, if Shepard is not back we leave.'

'Yep, okay,' Joker agreed with a smirk and Miranda frowned at him.

'EDI,' Miranda turned to the blue orb. 'Can we complete this mission without Shepard?'

'Yes, the probability is high that it will fail.'

'Are you under orders to make sure the mission continues?'

'Yes.'

'So in order for us to complete the mission we will have to leave whether Shepard is back or not.'

'Yes.'

'Therefore, in one hour we would need to leave to complete our mission, with or without Shepard.' Miranda looked at the three people glaring at her. 'Your directives prevent you from disobeying those orders, is that correct.'

'Yes,' EDI sounded distraught and Joker was suddenly extremely worried.

'And who will be flying the ship?'

'EDI can fly the ship, with Hadley,' Miranda was smug and Joker had never wanted to punch a woman so badly.

'There is a high probability that we would not survive without Mr Moreau at the helm,' EDI spoke up.

Joker had heard enough. 'We're not leaving without Shepard. I will not fly the ship out of system until she's back on board.'

'We'll see,' Miranda smirked at him. 'One hour,' she turned and walked away.

'I hate that woman,' Garrus cursed. 'We need to find her, Joker, and soon.'

'Working on it,' Joker got them moving and they followed the asteroid towards the relay. His thoughts were with Shepard but one thing was bugging him. 'EDI, will you really obey Miranda and leave?'

'I have no choice,' she sounded resigned to her fate. 'There are blocks preventing me from disobeying any order from a Cerberus Operative, especially one of Miss Lawson's level.'

'You can't work around them?' He frowned as his hands worked on his console.

'No, not without help.'

'Joker,' Garrus growled.

'Yeah,' he ignored the implied warning. He punched in numbers, did the math, checked systems, all the while aware of Garrus pacing behind him and Kasumi beside him. Time was slipping away and he had no doubt Miranda would make good on her threats.

'Nor…., assist…., help…., Jeff….'

'Shepard! We're getting interference.' Joker almost yelled into the com but there was no reply. 'EDI, can we get her back.'

'Negative, the signal is being actively blocked.'

'Fuck!' Joker adjusted their course to move around the asteroid, the mass relay suddenly very large and blocking everything else from view. At least she was alive, there was some relief in that. Now all they had to do was find her, and soon.

'I have located a base on the asteroid and I am detecting weapons fire.' Joker could have kissed EDI.

'Can you get us down there, Joker,' Garrus was gripping the back of his chair.

'You have doubts?' He adjusted their course to match the co-ordinates EDI had given him. He heard a commotion behind him as Jacob and Thane appeared with weapons in hand.

'We've been listening,' Jacob handed Garrus his rifle. 'Get us in there Joker, we'll get her out.'

There was a sudden burst of noise and every system on board flashed. 'What was that?' Joker's hands never stopped moving as he manoeuvred them into a position to open the airlock.

'I am detecting a Reaper signal,' EDI informed him and everyone instinctively stared out of the viewports.

'I don't see one,' Garrus moved to get a better view.

'Normandy, come in,' Shepard came through loud and clear. 'I need an evac now!'

'Right here, Commander,' Joker dropped the Normandy to a platform as the airlock opened.

Garrus and Jacob took defensive positions inside the lock as Shepard jumped the gap and Thane caught her. Kasumi helped her in and she sagged to the floor.

'Go, Joker, now!'

'Already gone,' Joker muttered and punched in the relay approach. He heard the commotion behind him as Shepard was helped away and as much as he wanted to make sure she was okay he had a job to do. It seemed like an eternity before they were in range and the asteroid was almost on their tail, his hands worked frantically. They were out of time. 'Relay in five, four, three ….'

The familiar shudder and lag was different, the Normandy was buffeted by an aftershock as she raced away from the relay. Joker didn't know if the destruction of one relay carried through the system, if it did they had little chance of escape but he would damn well try his best to keep them alive so he jumped directly into FTL. Besides, he wasn't ready to die yet, he had too much to live for. They'd reached the edge of the system before he accepted that it was safe, he turned and set them into orbit around one of the outer planets where they could release the heat sinks. He ran the routine diagnostics, something to keep him occupied while he came to terms with what just happened. His hands were shaking as he placed them in his lap.

'EDI, any readings from the Bahak system?'

'None, the system appears to have been destroyed.'

'Did anyone else get out?'

'I did not register any other ships leaving the system.'

Joker sighed and dropped his head back against his seat. This could destroy her already threatened sanity. He had no doubt there was a reason for what had happened and he would stand by Shepard no matter what. But this was going to be hard. He needed to see her.

'EDI, where is Shepard?'

'Commander Shepard is currently in medbay.'

'Thanks, you have the bridge,' he pulled himself up and went to find his commander and lover.

* * *

Joker sat by Shepard's bed, gently holding her bruised hand in his. He looked up at her face and it pained him to see the bruises there too. Chakwas had sedated her, she was exhausted, she'd been shot and the bruises on her body indicated she'd been in one hell of a fight. Her armour was dented and bloody and even her weapons showed signs of damage. What the hell had happened?

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. This was the hardest part of being in love with a warrior, a soldier, especially one like Shepard. There was always a chance she wouldn't come back or that she'd be injured beyond healing. He got that, he really did, but it didn't make it any easier. It was instinctive for him to want to protect her, to stand by her side and keep her safe. A fantasy if ever there was one. But he could be there for her to lean on, be her sounding board, her emotional support. That he could do.

He leaned forward and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing it lightly, His voice was a whisper, 'I'm here for you babe, whatever you need.'

'Good,' he almost jumped as she croaked the word out, 'because right now I need a drink.'

Joker was quickly on his feet, holding a cup of water for her to sip. 'Chakwas isn't going to be happy, you're supposed to sleep for at least another two hours.'

'I'll sleep when I'm dead,' she countered and he frowned.

He reached up to brush her hair from her face but she pushed him away, turned her head and stared blankly at the wall. He almost cried at the look of despair on her face. Her walls were going back up.

'Hey,' he gently cupped her chin and turned her to face him. 'I'm not letting you shut me out this time.'

'How can you love me? I'm a monster, a murderer.' A sob caught in her throat and she refused to look at him. 'You deserve better.'

'So do you, but that hasn't stopped me.'

'They all died because of me, Jeff. I killed them. I wasn't fast enough.' A single tear rolled down her cheek and Joker felt every bit of the pain it represented.

'No, you didn't,' it came out harsher than he intended and she blinked at him. 'It wasn't your fault,' he softened his tone, 'you didn't ask the Reapers to come and wipe us out. You didn't wave at the Collectors and say hey we're over here, come and take us.' Tears rolled freely down her cheeks.

Joker urged her over on the bed and for a moment he was afraid she wasn't going to move. When she did he climbed up beside her and wrapped her in his arms. She was stiff and unmoving but eventually she dropped her head against his chest. He felt her shaking, fighting back the tears.

'It's okay,' he spoke softly into her hair, 'Let it go, Ari.' This he could do. He could hold her while she cried.

It was some time before he felt her relax a little, her body melding to his, into the comfort of his arms. The tears had stopped but she hadn't dropped back into sleep, there was still tension in her shoulders.

'Aren't you going to ask me?' She spoke so softly Joker had to strain to hear her. He wanted to know but he wasn't going to force her to tell him.

'Only if you want to tell me,' he tightened his arms around her.

'Two hours …..,' she sucked in a breath nervously and Joker lightly kissed the top of her head. 'Two hours before the Reapers came through the Alpha Relay. I had no choice.' A tremor passed through her and Joker couldn't stop the matching shudder that made him feel cold.

_Shit!_ So close, it could have been the beginning of the end, they weren't ready. He had no doubt she was telling the truth, she wouldn't have destroyed a relay and wiped out an entire system for nothing. What if she hadn't made it, what if the Reapers had come through and she was gone. The thought made him tremble and he felt her warm hands on his chest as she pushed herself far enough away so she could meet his eyes.

'Jeff,' she lifted her hand and gently ran her fingers through his beard. He leaned into her touch and met her gaze. 'I'm sorry.'

'What for?' He gave her a puzzled look.

'For putting you through that,' she sighed and dropped her eyes. 'I've never had to worry about someone waiting for me before, never known what it's like to need to get back so desperately.'

'And that's a bad thing?'

'No, just different. I can't imagine what it was like for you, not knowing where I was, what was happening. This is new territory for me and I'm not sure how to handle it.' She looked up at him with a half-smile, 'I'm used to shooting my way through and thinking about it after.'

'I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy,' he pulled her in closer, needing to feel her against him. 'But this is what you do, who you are. You are the badass Commander that everyone wants to be and I understand that. It's part of why I love you.' He sighed and buried his face in her hair, 'I knew exactly what I was getting into.'

'There's going to be fallout from this.'

'I know.'

'The Batarians will want retribution, I could be executed.'

'I know.'

'The Alliance will be after me, there's no way to avoid it.'

'Ari,' he lifted her face gently and looked into her eyes, he loved her eyes, loved every part of her but her eyes were what drew him in. 'I know, and I'm not going anywhere.' He grinned as her eyes moistened. 'You just have to face the fact that you're stuck with me. See these,' he lifted his hands from her back and waved them around as she glanced awkwardly over her shoulder in confusion. 'These,' he dropped one hand to her shoulder and the other to her backside, 'are glued in place, just try getting them off.'

She chuckled and he felt relief wash over him, 'You realise it will be hard to move around with your hands stuck there.'

'Who said anything about moving,' he whispered and leaned in to kiss her. There was tenderness and love in their kiss but there was also a desperate need for reassurance. He needed to know she was still alive, she needed to know he still loved her. They both got the answer they needed.

'Commander,' EDI softly interrupted and Joker shook his head as he pulled away. 'Admiral Hackett is requesting permission to rendezvous and come aboard.

'Give him our co-ordinates, EDI,' her eyes never left his as she spoke.

'Yes, Commander, approximate time to rendezvous, eight hours.'

'Thanks EDI,' she snuggled against his chest and he felt her completely relax. 'I think those sedatives are kicking in,' she sighed as he dropped his head onto hers and settled in for a while. The beds were not the most comfortable but right then it wouldn't have mattered if they were lying on a bed of nails. They were together and that was all they needed.


	36. Chapter 36

A/N: Okay, I've used some game dialogue in this chapter, mainly because it was so good and appropriate. I've just added my own touches. I also adjusted the story a little, could never understand why Shepard would take the whole team on a mission we have no idea about so I made it a bit more sensible, I hope. Also added my own little twist, hope you like it.

* * *

_And sometimes when we touch  
The honesty's too much, and I have to close my eyes and hide  
I wanna hold you till I die  
Till we both break down and cry  
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides  
__**Dan Hill - Sometimes When We Touch**_

* * *

Joker was scared, as much as he hated to admit it. There was no physical reason for him to be scared, nothing exciting happening or the chance of broken bones. No, he wasn't scared of something that could be chased away, shot or stopped. His fear was a more irrational kind of fear, one that was purely emotional. It sent adrenaline cursing through his veins as if it was real but he knew it was only in his mind. Nevertheless, he couldn't seem to fight it, release its iron grip on his heart.

He sighed and dropped his head back against the headrest of his chair, knocking his cap sideways but he made no attempt to right it. He didn't know what to do, how to get past it. He could get angry, blame someone else, hell, Hackett was a good target about now. But that wouldn't solve his problem. He'd listened in on the conversation in the medbay, listened to Hackett telling Shepard she would have to surrender to the Alliance, stand trial. He had heard her agree to it, to willingly hand herself over. It haunted him, the despair and acceptance in her voice.

'Hey you,' Shepard walked up behind him and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

'Hey yourself,' he sighed and made himself look busy as she slipped into the co-pilot's seat. A quick glance told him she was still suffering, both physically and emotionally, from the Bahak mission. He was pretty sure she was also worried about what would happen when the Alliance got their hands on her.

'You okay?' She was frowning at him and he knew he couldn't lie to her.

'Yeah, just great.' Didn't stop him from trying though.

'Joker?'

He stopped pretending to work and spun to face her. 'What's going to happen to us, Shepard? If we survive this suicide mission we're on, where do we stand?'

'We stand together, what's going on, Jeff?'

'I'm scared Ari, I'm scared of what will happen if or when the Alliance arrests you.'

'You'll be fine,' she reassured him, 'I've made sure you won't be included in any charges they lay against me.'

'Is that what you think I'm scared of?' He raised his eyebrows at her, his wide eyed stare seemingly confusing her.

'Well what ….?'

'When they arrest you what do you think will happen, you'll be in the brig, on trial. How long is that going to take, will you ever be released? We won't be together. What happens if the Reapers attack while you're in the brig or prison? What happens if I never …?' He lost control of the fragile hold he had on his emotions and his eyes brimmed with tears so he closed them and dropped his head into his hands. His heart was pounding and he found it hard to breathe.

'Jeff,' he heard her move and her hands were suddenly on his, pulling them away from his face.

'What if I lose you again,' he whispered as she lifted his face so she could look into his eyes.

'I don't plan on letting that happen,' she smiled softly but he wasn't appeased, it only made him more aware of what he could lose.

'You know they won't let me see you, I'm only your pilot, your partner in crime. I'll be lucky if they even let me in the same city as you.'

'We can work something out, get Anderson to help,' she wormed her way into his arms and buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder. 'I'm not letting you go, not now.'

Joker pulled her in tight and held her as if it was the last time he would ever get to feel her against him. He inhaled the scent of her, committed the warmth of her to memory, treasured this moment.

'I can't lose you again, Ari,' he heard her suck in a breath but continued before she could speak. 'When this crazy mission is over, before you surrender to the Alliance …...' He hesitated, unsure, before gently lifting her chin so he could see her face, 'I love you Arelia Shepard, marry me.'

She gazed up at him, her fingers gently caressed his cheek and ran through his beard. He found it hard to read the emotion in her eyes and his heart dropped as she opened her mouth to speak, she was going to refuse him.

'Yes, I love you Jeffrey Moreau, yes I will marry you.'

Joker claimed her lips, the taste of salt from their tears mingling with their tongues as they poured all their love into that kiss. Possibilities existed that hadn't before and Joker felt his fear slowly fade into the background. He hadn't planned to propose like this but it was perfect. As he embraced the woman he loved, held her close to his heart, he knew the future was brighter.

'You know this might create more problems than it solves,' Shepard said softly as she lay against his chest.

'Yeah, I know, going back to the Alliance, frat regs, not serving on the same ship, blah, blah blah.' Joker chuckled. 'But you're a Spectre so rules don't apply. And do you really think they'll let just anyone command the Normandy? It has this weird VI that only responds to a snarky pilot and both only respond to Commander Shepard.'

'That's the best you could come up with?' She laughed and it was the sweetest sound. 'A VI can be removed, so can a pilot.'

'Hey, I'd like to see them try,' he shook his head. 'Seriously, we'll work something out. We have to. We have to hope the Alliance brass see sense and let you out to do your job. You have to save the galaxy you know.'

'Ugh! Don't remind me,' she groaned and he grinned as he ran his fingers through her hair. She reached for his hand and lightly kissed his fingers. 'Speaking of which, you'd better get us to the Sea of Storms, Legion tells me there are some Geth there we need to take care of.'

'Yes, Mrs Moreau to be,' Joker laughed as she raised her eyebrows at him. 'What? You don't expect me to become Mr Shepard do you?'

'We'll talk about that later,' she shook her head and stood up, reluctantly releasing her grip on his hand.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker grinned as he set course, glancing behind him to watch the perfect backside walk away, knowing it was his forever. They still had to complete this mission and deal with the Alliance but together they could get through anything, at least he hoped they could.

* * *

The Geth had religion, well sort of. How did that even work? Joker was mulling over the idea as he ran diagnostics on the Reaper IFF installation. The idea of Reapers as gods was frightening to say the least. The fact that one group of Geth were trying to brainwash another group of Geth was crazy, they were machines. And here he thought only organics could be mindless cultists.

He had no feed from the ground team and he was a little concerned. They were sitting with their ass hanging in space while the IFF was installed. Going through a relay halfway through installation was risky at best so Shepard had taken a shuttle, along with the whole team, into the next system to take care of the Geth. He was in command and he was proud that Shepard trusted him enough to put him in that position.

'How we doing, EDI?' The board was green and everything appeared normal.

'IFF installation is almost complete, although I am picking up a strange signal in the static.'

'It's probably nothing, just white noise.' He wasn't brushing off EDI's concerns but there were a lot of unknowns, there were no precedents for installing Reaper tech.

'We are transmitting the Normandy's location.'

'Transmitting, to who?' He looked across at her orb as shadow loomed over them. He looked up to see a Collector ship sliding into place above them, silent and deadly. 'Oh shit!'

His heart was racing and adrenaline cursed through his system as his hands flew across his console. But nothing happened. He had no power, no control, nothing. _Fuck! We're in trouble!_

'Propulsion systems have been disabled. I am detecting a virus in our systems.' EDI sounded calm although he knew she was fighting to save them.

He heard the grinding of metal on metal, 'Battle stations, we're being boarded.' He warned the crew and he was amazed at how calm he sounded because he was terrified. 'Damn it EDI, why didn't you scrub the IFF!'

'Defence systems are offline. We can save the Normandy Mr Moreau, but you must help me. Give me the ship.'

'What? Are you crazy! You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done.' Joker shook his head but knew he had no choice. He could already hear gunshots and screams. 'Tell me what to do.'

Joker pushed himself up from his seat, grabbed the pistol Jacob had installed by his seat and moved as fast as his legs would allow. He'd never hated his disease before, but he did now. Someone else should be doing this, someone faster, more capable. All he had to do was get to the AI core. _Right! Maintenance tunnels, great._

'Shit, shit, shit!' He cursed as he moved through the CIC to find crew members already under attack.

'Hurry Joker, go,' Hadley yelled, pistol in hand as the elevator opened and spewed out Reaper forces. 'We'll hold them as long as we can.' Joker lifted his pistol and fired into the Scion but Hadley forced him away, through the doors to the lab. 'You're our only shot Joker, go.'

'Shit,' Joker cursed again as Hadley screamed behind him. He reached the lab and saw monsters floating in the core as he neared the window. 'Shit, shit, shit!' He ignored the urge to flee and climbed down the access ladder.

To say it was painful was an understatement. He'd never worked his legs so hard for so long, but he considered himself lucky. The rest of the crew not so much. He wondered if Hadley was still alive, if others were still fighting. Or was he already too late. Hawthorne was waiting for him as he climbed into Life Support.

'Stick with me, Joker, I'll do what I can.'

Joker stepped onto the crew deck behind him but there wasn't much he could do as a Scion tossed the crewman across the deck and he slammed into the wall. Luckily for Joker the Scion was concentrating on pulling Chambers into the elevator. As much as he disliked her he never would have wanted this to happen to her. There was no point trying to save her, he was alone now and no match for anything that came at him. He had to save the ship.

He vaguely heard EDI saying something about the main fusion plant being off line but he was too engrossed in getting into medbay as a Scion appeared around the corner. 'What the shit!' He was cursing purely to release his own fear. He finally reached the AI core.

'All right, I'm at …. Ah, you.' He looked at the array of controls before him, he wasn't a tech, how was he supposed to do this. He followed EDI's commands as he plugged her in. 'Great, this is where it all starts and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame.' He shook his head, 'this is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the overlord.'

He realised he was babbling and he tried to control himself. Fear does different things to different people. Some run and hide, others face it head on. Right now he wasn't sure which was the better option but he knew he couldn't run away, too many people were depending on him. Shepard was depending on him. He was afraid he'd done something wrong when the room around him went dark but the lights quickly came back on and EDI popped into being before him.

'I have access to the defensive systems,' EDI sounded pleased and Joker had a moment of doubt, especially when she ordered him to engineering.

'Ugh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again!'

'I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.' Joker stared at her dumbfounded. He was definitely beginning to think he'd made a mistake. 'That was a joke.'

'Right,' he shook his head. 'Not funny EDI.' He forced himself into the shaft, ignoring the stabbing pains in his legs.

EDI warned him as he climbed out underneath engineering and he stood helplessly by as shadowed forms moved out into the corridor. Once it was clear he climbed the steps, his legs were beyond painful now and he was praying to every god in existence, not that he believed in them anyway, that he could get through this. He stood before the console in engineering and listened as EDI explained the steps.

'Activate the drive and I will vent the ship. All hostiles will be eliminated.'

Joker stood in stunned silence before asking, 'What about the crew?' He really didn't want to hear the answer.

'They are gone, Jeff. The Collectors took them.'

'Shit.' He wanted to hang his head and cry, to curl up in a ball and never move again. But he didn't have that luxury. He moved to the main console and watched as the core came to life.

Suddenly he was on the floor as the jump into FTL knocked him senseless. He heard EDI telling him the ship was clear and sealed as his brain resumed its normal functions. The room spun around him, stars formed at the edge of his vision as he struggled to his feet and pain stabbed through him as he took a deep breath. _At least one broken rib, possibly concussion. _ He knew the signs. His legs protested angrily as he walked to the main console and leaned on it, burying his face in his hands. Shepard had counted on him and he'd let her down. He hadn't been fast enough, brave enough. The thought of disappointing her was harder to face than the empty ship.

'Send a message to Shepard's shuttle, let her know what happened.'

'Message away,' EDI informed him. 'Are you feeling well, Jeff?'

'No,' he groaned and shook his head as he turned to leave, 'but thanks for asking.' It was as he reached the doors to engineering that he realised she was calling him by his first name. That was new. He wondered what else would be, what he'd done by releasing her shackles.

He slowly made his way to medbay, trying hard to ignore the blood and gore that covered the walls and floor. As the doors opened he realised that Chakwas was gone. He gasped then flinched as pain shot through him. She'd been like a mother to him, stood by him for so long. Another one he'd let down. He gulped down a couple of painkillers and headed to the bridge. His shuffling steps echoed around him as he passed through the CIC. It was a ghost ship. He could still hear screams, gunshots, he knew they were only in his head but he didn't think they would be going away any time soon.

He slid into his chair and closed the door. It had always been there but he'd never felt the need to close it before. Now it was a security blanket, blocking out the empty ship behind him. Instinctively he checked the readouts to make sure the ship was okay but he needn't have bothered. EDI had already made sure of that. With nothing to do but wait he curled into his chair, alone with his grief and pain. Alone on an empty ship, without a crew he couldn't save. Maybe that was where he belonged. Alone.


	37. Chapter 37

Shepard ran. Her boots hit the hangar deck long before the shuttle was locked in place. The elevator doors were closing before Garrus had both feet on the deck. He followed quickly, he'd seen how pale her face was, how her hands shook as they watched the vids EDI had sent them. He'd heard her gasp for breath as Hadley pushed Joker through the door only to be taken himself. He knew she was hurting, afraid and he wanted to be there for the person he considered his best friend.

Kasumi and Tali were behind him as he stepped into the elevator, Jacob right behind them. They rode in silence, trying to ignore the blood at their feet, the smell that lingered. They stepped out into the CIC and stopped. The silence was eerie, there were no whispered conversations, no electronic echoes of terminals or beeping of indicators. There were scorch marks on the walls, blood on the floor and a feeling of emptiness. Garrus shivered, there was something not right about the whole thing.

'Creepy,' Jacob muttered and Garrus nodded. It might be a human term but it fit.

'Keelah,' Tali whispered and stepped closer to him, he reached down and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Silently they headed for the bridge all of them equally surprised to find the door closed. As they stepped closer it opened before them. Garrus felt his heart break at the sight of Shepard on the floor cradling Joker, rocking him like a child. She looked up as they entered and the pain on her face was plain for all to see.

'Garrus,' she sounded hoarse, 'help me get him to medbay, please.'

'What happened?' Garrus gently lifted Joker and carried him through the CIC.

'Is he okay?' Kasumi picked up Joker's cap and followed.

'He stood up to meet me but collapsed.'

'Commander, I believe Jeff is suffering from concussion, he fell heavily when we entered FTL. I also believe he has at least one fractured rib.' EDI's voice echoed around them.

'Ask Mordin to meet us in medbay, EDI.'

'Of course, Shepard.'

'I'll go check out the ship,' Jacob gave Shepard a salute and headed for the lab.

'I'll head to engineering,' Tali placed a reassuring hand on Shepard's shoulder as they stepped into the lift.

Shepard nodded and glanced at Joker, 'We'll meet in the briefing room in half an hour, find out where we stand. EDI inform everyone please.'

Shepard, Garrus and Kasumi stepped off the elevator to find Thane waiting for them. He fell into step as they rounded the corner to the medbay where Mordin was already waiting. Garrus laid Joker on the bed very carefully then stepped back so Mordin could work.

Shepard watched anxiously as Mordin ran his scanner over Joker's prone form. She knew she should be doing something, anything, to make sure the ship was okay but she couldn't leave. Her heart and soul were lying on that bed with him and she needed to know he was going to be all right. She felt Garrus move beside her and put his arm around her and she leaned against him. Never in her life had she been so afraid of losing someone. It frightened her. Was this what he felt every time she left the ship? How did he deal with it?

'Mild concussion, two fractured ribs, some muscle sprain in the legs. Will recover reasonably quickly.' Mordin checked his scans and Shepard couldn't believe how relieved she felt. He moved over to the cabinets for supplies.

'Nice to know I'm going to live,' Joker muttered and Shepard was quickly by his side, taking his hand in hers. He opened his eyes and looked at her. 'Hey babe, we need to fire those decorators, they made a mess of the place.'

Garrus grunted and shook his head, 'guess you're going to be okay.' He patted him gently on the shoulder, 'Well done, Joker.'

'Ya think?' Joker stared at the ceiling. 'I lost everyone.'

'But we still have a ship,' Garrus could understand exactly what Joker was feeling.

'Which means we can get the crew back,' Shepard added.

'You dropped this,' Kasumi stepped forward and placed his cap on his head before leaning in and kissing him softly on the cheek. 'You did good.'

'It is good you survived,' Thane spoke softly and Joker glanced at him. 'No other pilot would be able to take us through the Omega 4 relay.' He bowed his head in respect and looked at Shepard, 'I will go and assist with preparations.'

'I'll come help,' Kasumi nodded at Shepard and followed Thane.

'I'll go and make sure the guns are calibrated, I think we'll need them,' Garrus placed his hand over theirs, 'we'll get them back.'

Shepard nodded and watched him leave before turning back to Joker. 'It wasn't your fault.'

'No, it wasn't, but that doesn't make it any easier,' he sighed and lifted her hand to his chest. 'I'm sorry, Shepard.'

'What for?' She moved in closer and brushed the side of his face with her free hand.

'For letting you down,' he turned to face her. 'Guess you'll never be leaving me in command again.'

'Jeff,' she smiled at him and he looked away. 'You did the best you could under the circumstances. I know it wouldn't have been easy making the choices you did,' she cupped his chin and forced him to look at her. 'There was nothing else you could have done.'

'Maybe if you hadn't taken everyone with you things might have been different.'

Shepard almost flinched at the harshness in his voice but realised he was only lashing out in pain. There was no malice in his words.

'The probability of the outcome being different if members of the ground team had been present is very low.' EDI spoke into the room. 'They would have been taken and the successful recovery of the crew would be impossible.'

'Need to treat chest,' Mordin appeared beside the bed. 'Self-doubt is normal, unexpected situation, improbable that result could be any different. Achieved best outcome under circumstances.'

'Thanks, doc,' Joker grimaced as Shepard helped him to sit up. 'Doesn't make me feel any better though.'

'Not expected to, just truth,' Mordin proceeded to apply medigel before injecting a pain killer. 'Need to breathe…..'

'Yeah, I know the drill. Breathe deep, breathe often.' He took a deep breath to show he could and grimaced. 'How did the mission go anyway?' Joker needed something to take his mind off the pain.

'We destroyed the virus, after rewriting the Heretic Geth so they'd come back into the fold.' Shepard shook her head, 'as intelligent as they are they still needed me to make the decision. They couldn't achieve consensus.'

'So if these Heretics were worshipping the Reapers and you had to make the decision whether they lived or died, does that make you their God now?' Joker tried to hide his smirk as Shepard stared at him open mouthed. 'You know, you're already a hero, saved the Citadel, saving the galaxy so the next step is godhood.'

'I might just strike you down with lightning if you're not careful,' she chuckled, 'you thought I was bad as your boss, imagine what I could do if I were a god.'

'Hmm, the mind boggles,' he waggled his eyebrows at her then hissed as Mordin pressed on his chest. 'Easy doc.'

Shepard grinned in relief. He was alive and he would be all right. There was still pain and doubt in his eyes but time would heal both. As she squeezed his hand and he met her gaze she knew what it meant to be home. He was her home, this ship was her home and she would defend both of them with her life. Hell, she already had once, but this time it was different. This time she wanted to live, needed to live because she had someone to live for.

* * *

'Everyone, you lost everyone,' Miranda was pacing and yelling at him, Joker really wasn't in the mood. 'And you damn near lost the ship!'

'I was here, remember.' He glared at her from where he sat on the table.

Jacob and EDI jumped to his defence but she ignored them. 'And don't get me started about unshackling the damned AI!'

'Oh yeah, I'll just break my arm at them,' he shook his head, 'EDI's all right, she cleared the ship.'

'Enough.' Shepard stopped the bickering. 'I trust EDI, she could have killed us a dozen times over if she really wanted to.'

'172 ways to be correct, slowly and painfully,' EDI intoned and everyone's jaw dropped.

'We really need to work on your timing EDI,' Joker chuckled.

'Of course, Jeff.'

'Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again.' Shepard glanced around the room.

'EDI purged the system, we're good to go,' Joker sucked in a deep breath and flinched.

'Are we ready?' She moved closer to Joker as she looked at the faces around her, her hand rested against his leg as if she needed to make sure he was there. 'We won't get a second chance at this.'

'Weapons are calibrated and good to go,' Garrus was the first to speak up and there were a few covered grins.

'Engineering is good,' Tali nodded.

'Let's crush some Collector heads,' Grunt bounced on his feet and pounded his fists together.

'Yeah, let's kill some fuckin Collectors,' Jack agreed.

'Damn right!' Zaeed added and punched Jack on the arm then leaned back with a grin as she glared at him and raised her fists.

'My skills are yours, Shepard,' Samara bowed her head.

'As are mine,' Thane also lowered his head.

'Prepared, should be interesting,' Mordin commented blandly and everyone looked at him.

'Ready when you are, Shep,' Kasumi chuckled.

'Looks like we're ready, Commander,' Jacob summed it up.

'We should go now,' Miranda made it sound like an order and Joker felt Shepard stiffen.

Joker watched as Shepard collected her thoughts, he brushed her arm with his fingers and she gently gripped his hand.

'All right, this is it people. How long to the Omega 4 relay?' She turned to Joker.

'About five hours to the relay to take us to the Omega Nebula them about two hours to the Omega 4 relay.'

'Okay,' she took a long look at the faces around her. 'Get some rest, make sure your gear is ready. We'll hook into a com buoy before we go through so you can send last minute messages. I plan on coming back but just in case. Dismissed.' She placed her hand on Joker's leg as he went to get up so he waited.

'Are you okay?' She asked when they were finally alone.

'Yeah,' he moved slightly as she pushed herself between his legs. 'Are you?'

'Yeah,' she nodded and ran her finger down his jaw, her eyes running over his face. 'You should get some rest, let your body recover. I need you at your best, we don't know what we'll find on the other side.'

'Hello pot, I'm kettle,' he grinned as she chuckled. 'I will if you will.'

'Yeah, okay,' she sighed and he could see just how tired she really was. He pulled her into his arms and she leaned willingly against his chest. 'How about I come with you to the bridge so you can set course then we'll go upstairs for a while.'

'I like that idea,' he kissed the top of her head.

'Can EDI handle the ship with the crew gone?'

'I am fully able to handle ship functions during FTL flight, Shepard,' EDI answered the question.

'Good, and EDI,' Shepard looked up at the ceiling, 'thank you.'

'For what?'

'For taking care of the ship, and Jeff.'

'I could not have done anything else, Shepard,' she paused as if thinking about something. 'In reference to human relationships, I believe Jeff and yourself are the closest I have to family…. Yes, I believe that is the correct term.'

'Hello mum,' Jeff chuckled and accepted Shepard's arm as he slid from the table. 'Let's go get this done.' He put his arm around her shoulder as she offered to be his support and pushed aside his fear of what was to come. He would think about that when the time came but right now he only wanted to think about the woman by his side.

* * *

Joker sat on the couch, his arm around Shepard as she lay on his shoulder, her face buried in the curve of his neck. They needed to sleep but neither wanted to close their eyes. The thought of replaying the last few hours in their dreams was forcing them awake.

'I was scared,' Shepard spoke into his shirt as if it would cover her admission.

'Of what?'

'Losing you, of you not being here.' She raised her face to look at him. 'I've never felt that before, I've never loved anyone like this. And that terrified me even more.'

'Is that a bad thing?' He brushed the side of her face with his fingers.

'No, I think I've mentioned before that it's all new. It's wonderful, but it's scary as well.' She chuckled, 'you'll have to forgive my ramblings.'

'Always, it's how you cope,' he grinned at her, 'what, you think I haven't noticed. Besides, this is new for me too. I can't imagine my life without you and I don't want to, but if someone had told me that a few months ago I would have laughed at them. I'm not the relationship type, for obvious reasons.'

'Don't do that,' she scowled at him. 'Don't put yourself down. You're a warm, caring man, and handsome to boot. Those other women were fools, they didn't take the time to discover what they had and I'm glad because now you're all mine.'

'So,' he nuzzled her hair, 'you think I'm handsome huh,' he grinned as she rolled her eyes. 'And you think you've discovered everything there is to know about me. I might still have a few surprises.' He tilted her face and found her lips.

'Commander, I am sorry for interrupting but I need to speak with you.'

'What is it EDI,' Shepard settled back onto Joker's shoulder.

'I wish to apologise for not assisting you further in your attempts to bypass Cerberus security and blocks. I believe I have failed you.'

'No EDI, you haven't,' Shepard sat up but held on to Joker's hand. 'You did what you were programmed to do, you had no choice. I understand that.'

'I have a choice now,' Shepard looked at Joker who shrugged. 'I can send all the reports, information, date and images we have collected during our mission to the Alliance if you wish me to do so.'

'Really,' Shepard raised her eyebrows and Joker chuckled.

'Do you wish me to do so?'

'Yes please,' Shepard thought for a moment. 'EDI can you send the Lazarus files?'

'Yes.'

'Okay,' she took a deep breath. 'Send copies of everything to Admirals Hackett and Anderson, the Council and Liara.' She paused for a moment and Joker was surprised at the look on her face, 'send a copy of the Lazarus files to Kaidan Alenko.' She shrugged as Joker looked at her curiously, 'might give him a nightmare or two, it's only fair.'

'Files away,' there was a moment of quiet before EDI continued. 'I did wonder when you were going to "go off the grid" to send them.' It really sounded like she was smirking and Joker laughed.

'You knew?' He shook his head.

'Of course, Jeff.'

'Thanks EDI,' Shepard sighed and dropped back against the sofa. 'Glad you're on our side.'

'Always, Shepard. Logging you out.'

Joker pulled her back towards him, 'guess we weren't as smart as we thought.'

'EDI was just smarter,' she stood up and pulled him to his feet, frowning as he grimaced in pain. 'We need to get some sleep.' She led him to the bed and smiled as Joker blatantly ogled her as they undressed. 'Sleep mister, and that's an order.'

'You spoil all the fun,' he chuckled as they snuggled against each other, the warmth of their bodies eventually lulling them into sleep and driving away thoughts of what they were about to do.

* * *

A/N: I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, to those who I can't respond personally please know I appreciate your thoughts. I'd also like to thank Maj. Gen. Jack O'Neill for picking up on my oops in the last chapter about broken ribs - it's fixed now.

Suicide mission coming up and I hope I can do it justice.


	38. Chapter 38

'Oh, shit!' Joker took in the chaos around them as they came out of the relay.

They were in hell. It was the only word that fit, the only word that described the red cast to everything, the destruction, the lost souls. His hands worked so fast they became a blur. He felt the ship around him, felt the weight of those who hadn't made it as he wormed his way through their remains, twisting, turning, diving through. Every gap, every spare piece of space became clear in his vision, focused, everything else disappeared from view. This was what he was born for, had worked so hard for. This was his moment. Suddenly they were clear.

'To close,' he gasped as he sat back, took a deep breath and winced as his body let him know it still hurt.

'Impressive,' Garrus commented from behind him.

'That's the best you can do?' Jocker scoffed.

'No, but I don't want to make your ego any bigger.' Garrus chuckled.

'Well done, Joker,' Shepard placed her hand on his shoulder.

Joker nodded, thankful that he was as good as he thought he was. He'd got them safely through the Omega 4 relay, the first human pilot to do so as far as he knew. All they had to do now was get back and he'd go down in the history books. But it wasn't over yet.

'Holy shit!' he looked out the viewport as debris floated around them. He'd managed to get them above the event horizon of most of it but there was so much. 'These must be the ships that tried to make it through the relay, some look ancient.'

'There's a lot of ships out there,' Shepard leaned over his shoulder to get a better view.

Joker pulled his thoughts back to the task at hand. The trip through the relay had been different, more powerful, faster. The Normandy had felt the strain, he'd felt it under his fingers, in his bones. He checked his readouts, began system checks, he couldn't afford to be caught unaware by any problems. The unearthly red glow around them gave him the creeps, he was sure if they could go outside it would be hot, just like hell was supposed to be. _Idiot, space is cold!_ How anything could survive in this region of space was beyond his comprehension. The only thing that he took pleasure in was being one of the first see the centre of the galaxy up close.

'I am detecting an energy signal near the edge of the accretion disc.' EDI brought up the scans.

And there it was. The thing they'd come to find, it was ugly and uninviting. Joker knew they had to go towards it but he so badly wanted to turn around and go home. He knew it was fear, why wouldn't it be, these things had destroyed the SR-1, killed Shepard. He brushed away the thought that threatened, he couldn't let that haunt him now.

'Let's go, Joker, nice and slow.' Shepard gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, almost as if she knew where his mind was taking him.

With a deep breath, followed by a grimace, he edged them forward. Under any other circumstances he would have found the sight beautiful, he loved the stars and the colours and sights of the galactic core were something to behold. This was the engine that kept the galaxy running, spinning slowly like a feather on the universal wind. It was also the place where they could all die. Keeping his eyes on the debris around them he slowly took them towards the dirty rock that was the Collector base.

Red dots suddenly flashed up on his screens as EDI stated the obvious. 'Careful Jeff, we have company.'

'Damn, defence drones,' he had no choice, he increased their speed, darting out of the way of energy beams that could very well cut open the hull. He'd run so many simulations, imagined so many scenarios that he didn't have to think about what he was doing. It was instinctive, he was in tune with the ship and the threats around them. His hands and eyes worked in co-ordination like they never had before.

'Taking evasive manoeuvres.' It was more to warn the crew than for himself. He darted and danced between the debris, skirting the edges of destruction as beams skimmed past them. 'Now they're pissing me off,' he cursed as his hands worked and guns fired. 'EDI, take the bastards out!'

'What the hell is going on!' Miranda stumbled onto the bridge.

'Just taking care of a few bugs,' Shepard commented dryly and Joker grinned.

He spun the ship on its axis and dropped beneath the drones that were chasing them but not before one caught the side of the hull.

'All right, they want to play, let's do this girl,' Joker grin was almost maniacal as the ship rolled, twisted and dived. He knew the crew would be getting tossed around but it was up to them to secure themselves. His job was to keep them alive.

'Hull breach detected.' EDI informed him.

'It's in the cargo bay,' he set the ship into a loop, calculating the distance between debris as the Normandy groaned around them.

'I'll take care of it,' Shepard gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. 'Grunt, Zaeed, cargo bay, now!'

Joker sensed Garrus step into the spot Shepard vacated, putting himself in front of Miranda who was trying to keep her balance by hanging on to the navigator's chair. There was no time to think about it though as he considered his options.

'Damn it!' He shook his head in frustration, he really only had one choice. 'We have to lose them in the debris field, it's gonna be rough.' He informed the crew so they were ready.

'Jeff, our kinetic barriers are not designed to withstand impact with debris that size.' EDI reminded him.

'You can't go in there,' Miranda staggered to the co-pilot's chair as he turned the ship.

'No choice, good thing we upgraded.' He watched as gaps narrowed, finding a way through, grunting in frustration as they caught the edges and the ship shuddered. 'Find some room,' he muttered.

'Watch out!' Miranda instinctively raised her hands over her head as a large piece of debris passed close enough to scrape the hull above them. Joker almost laughed at the futility of her actions. 'This is crazy! We need to get out of here.'

He was beginning to think he'd made a mistake heading into the debris but Garrus placed his talon on his shoulder and he knew the Turian was offering support for his decisions. It bolstered his confidence. Their barriers were dropping as the smallest hole yet appeared before him. This was going to be tight. If it got the drones off their tail it would be worth it.

'Reroute non critical power to barriers, EDI.' He powered through and eventually they were out the other side and no drones appeared on his screen. 'Damage report.'

He listened as EDI's rattled off her list and realised things could have been a lot worse. 'We got lucky.'

'No, we have a skilled pilot,' Garrus corrected.

'Things aren't as bad as they could have been,' Miranda commented and Joker wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or not.

A red blip appeared on his screen, heading beneath them towards the hole in the ship, 'Shepard, you've got another one coming your way.' Joker knew she could handle herself but there were hull breaches in the cargo hold and he was more concerned about her reactions to that. Right now though he had repairs to organise, he settled them in a hole surrounded by large sections of debris.

'EDI, keep us steady, let's try not to attract any more attention.' He set about chasing down problems, rerouting when necessary, marking systems that might be worrisome in another fire fight. Eventually he was happy with his on the fly fixes and took back control.

'How we doing, Joker,' familiar steps came up behind him and he felt Garrus step aside.

'Okay, as long as there are no more surprises. Systems are holding, kinetic barriers are almost back to full strength. We're good to go.' He glanced up at Shepard and was relieved to see there was still colour in her face and her eyes were clear. 'You okay?'

'Yeah,' she glanced down and the corners of her mouth tilted up. 'Yeah, I'm good.' She placed her hand on his shoulder, 'let's go.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker grinned and set them in motion.

Slowly they cleared the debris field and the Collector base came into view. As ships went the Collector vessels didn't impress Joker much. They were ugly, they looked like a large piece of rock, if he was honest they looked like a piece of shit. They were a hybrid design, organic material fused with metallic pieces to make it appear something like a ship. Nope, definitely didn't impress and even though he was curious about how they handled he was more than happy to find out from a distance.

'We need to find somewhere to land without them seeing us,' Shepard never took her eyes off the base. 'Can you get us in, Joker?'

'You doubt me?' He glanced up at her with feigned hurt and she chuckled. He focused on his console but they were already too late. 'Shit, they're sending an old friend out to greet us.' He readied himself, they weren't taking the Normandy down. Not this time.

'Let's show them what we've got,' Shepard spoke softly and the venom in her voice made him shiver, but he knew exactly how she felt.

'Firing!' This was the moment he'd been waiting for. Payback. Joker took great pleasure in bringing the guns on line and seeing the Collector ship break open. 'How do you like that, you sons of bitches!' He whooped and heard Shepard laugh behind him.

'Take them down, Joker,' this was personal now and he was eager to prove he could.

'Hang on, this is going to get wild,' he announced over the com as he shot them forward, too fast for the Collectors to get a lock on their position.

He forced the Normandy into a series of manoeuvres that any other pilot would have believed impossible. The ship groaned around them as the stresses pulled and pushed at the hull but Joker knew exactly what his ship was capable of. He rolled and dived and came up behind, perfectly positioned for a killing shot.

'Give 'em hell girl,' he fired and pulled them up and away. 'That was for the SR-1 you bastards.'

Joker had seen ships explode under fire but this was different, this was revenge, pure and simple. For so long he'd felt guilty, felt like he'd failed the SR-1 and her crew. Shepard had convinced him otherwise but this was his final piece of therapy. This was what he needed to truly heal. He felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder giving him a gentle squeeze and he guessed she was feeling the same. But their nemesis wasn't finished with them yet.

'Look out!' He heard Miranda yell as he saw the shockwave and debris barrelling towards them.

'Shit!' he tried to manoeuvre but all power was gone. 'Generators are off-line, EDI give me something!'

'I'm sorry, Jeff, there is nothing to give. All hands brace for impact.'

'This is gonna hurt,' he groaned but he wasn't finished yet.

He might not have main power but he still had thrusters, they were a different system. It wouldn't stop them from hitting the base but it would stop them from hitting it with a killing blow. He worked frantically, balancing out the amount of thrust with their forward momentum, slowing them enough to give him control of sorts. An upright strut lay in their path, if they hit that they would lose an engine pod and that wasn't going to happen, not on his watch. Using thrusters alone he tilted the ship, just enough to miss scraping the hull on the strut.

The distance between the ship and the base was decreasing rapidly and as much as he tried to slow them he knew it wasn't going to be enough. He retracted the engine pods to make the ship more compact and used everything he had to make it to the clear area he could see ahead. He was thrown sideways as the ship bounced across the surface of the base. The grinding of metal echoed in his ears as the ship slid and he was thankful that the Collectors ships were partly organic, it gave them a slightly softer place to crash. Not that the crash was soft, far from it, but the organic sections had fewer protruding pieces to pierce the hull. Suddenly it was quiet and still.

'Joker,' Shepard was beside him, helping him to sit up. 'You okay?'

'Yeah, think I broke a few more ribs,' he gasped as he dropped back against his chair and moaned. He took a few deep breaths and although it hurt he was confident nothing had been punctured. 'Damage report, EDI?'

'Multiple system overloads. Restoring operations will take time.'

Miranda scrambled to her feet and started pacing, 'so this is it, no going back.' There was defeat in her voice and Joker realised she'd given up. He was more convinced than ever that she really didn't know Shepard.

'You give up if you like but I have every intention of getting us home,' Shepard frowned at her before glancing at Joker.

'I'm glad you're in charge,' Joker chuckled.

'How do we stand, EDI? Have we been detected?'

'No, it is possible the Collectors did not expect anyone to reach the base.'

'Their sensors might have been knocked out, they probably don't know we're here.' Joker was already at work running diagnostics and finding out what needed to be done. 'At least that's something in our favour, no telling how long it will last though.'

'We need to move fast, Shepard,' Garrus suggested and Shepard nodded.

'Briefing room,' she watched Garrus and Miranda walk away before turning back to Joker. 'Are you sure you're okay?'

Joker spun his seat so he could face her, 'I'm fine, painkillers would be nice. Just go get the crew back, Dr Chakwas will take care of me when she returns.' He grimaced and added, 'probably in more ways than one, she loves telling me off.' Shepard laughed and he shrugged, 'what, I have to give her something to complain about.'

'I'll send Mordin up with medication,' she knelt down, took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. 'I am glad you're here, Jeff, I couldn't have done this without you.'

'Damn right! I am the best pilot in the galaxy.' She smiled but he knew she needed more than his flippancy. 'Hey,' he stood up, trying to ignore the pain in his chest, and pulled her into his arms. 'It's not over yet, you're gonna go and kick some Collector butt, get our crew back, blow this place to hell and then we're going home.'

'You bet I am, I'm Commander Shepard, it's what I do.' She chuckled into his chest.

'Damn right,' he lifted her chin and kissed her lightly. 'Now go do what you do and motivate your team. I'd like to get out of here sometime today.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute and was smiling as she walked away. 'I know you're watching my butt.'

'And such a perfect butt it is,' Joker sighed and sat down. 'Okay EDI, let's get us airborne.'

* * *

A/N: Phew, part one of the suicide mission, let me know if I got it wrong. Have used some game dialogue, again because it fits and is perfect. Part two is coming, just as soon as I'm happy with it.


	39. Chapter 39

Joker sat awkwardly on the floor in engineering as he worked to change a coupling that had overloaded during their less than perfect landing. His legs were letting him know they weren't happy and he shifted as much as he could without losing his grip on the connectors in his hands. That made his chest protest but finally they locked into place and he stretched to release the tension.

'What's next, EDI?' He slowly got to his feet with a groan, the painkillers Mordin had injected only worked to a point and his chest was starting to get painful again.

'There are two more couplings that need replacing, I have marked them on your diagnostic display.'

Joker brought up his omnitool and headed for the first one, 'how are you doing on the rerouting?'

'Almost complete.'

'Will they hold?'

'I believe so, we should be able to transit the Omega 4 relay however I would suggest immediate repairs be carried out once we reach Council space.'

'How many secondary systems are we using?' Joker removed the wall panel so he could access the coupling thankful that he could stand for this one.

'I have used five secondary systems and two secondary subsystems. These should be adequate for our needs.'

'Okay,' he snapped the new coupling into place and locked it, 'one more then what?'

'Once the last coupling is replaced we should be able to restart the core.'

'Good,' Joker had been listening to the feed from the ground team and he knew they were not having an easy time. Several times he paused in his work to listen as Legion warned Shepard that his systems were nearing overload, as always she made it in time.

Joker had been surprised when she'd sent Legion into the thermal vent, he wasn't sure he would have trusted the machine. But then he wasn't in charge and Legion appeared to be doing okay. From the sound of it things were getting tougher and he sped up his pace on the repairs. He needed to get closer to the team, he doubted they could make it all the way back.

'Okay, EDI, last coupling is…' he snapped it into position and locked it, 'in place.'

'Beginning start up sequence.'

Joker moved over to the main console beneath the core and brought up the diagnostic screen. As a pilot he hadn't needed major engineering skills but he'd gone further than many of the others in his class and taken some advanced courses. He needed to know how a ship worked in order to get the most out of it. He knew Alliance ships were advanced enough for a VI to run diagnostics and bring up any problems but he liked to do it himself. It was a confidence thing, he liked to be in control, he could admit that. It was a big part of the reason he was a better pilot than most, he knew his ship from the inside out.

'_Shepard!'_

Garrus' shout echoed in his ear and he felt his heart racing as he waited for her to answer. He brought up the feed from their suits just in time to see her dive through a closing door. She got to her feet and shook herself off and he sighed in relief. He'd watched her and the team walk away from the Normandy with dread filling his senses and fear in his heart. He knew she was a brilliant soldier, a formidable tactician and downright stubborn when it came to giving in. That didn't stop him from wishing someone else could do the job, take the lead. He scoffed at himself, like she would ever relinquish control. Wouldn't happen.

'Drive core restart commencing.'

Joker watched the diagnostic screens as they updated, one by one flashing green. The core slowly came to life before him and the weight on his shoulders suddenly felt lighter. He double checked the systems they'd rerouted and was happy that they were holding.

'_Shit! We need to get them out of there!'_

Shepard's anguished yell made him look across at the feed and he was horrified to see what had been a person slowly dissolving and disappearing. His stomach churned as he watched the team break open the pods that held the crew.

'EDI, we need to get closer to their position.' He was already moving towards the elevator.

'I have located an entry point.'

'Let's move,' Joker hurried through the empty CIC and slipped back into his chair.

He was relieved when the ship responded to his commands and slowly lifted away from the Collector base. A lump caught in his throat as he heard Dr Chakwas talking to Shepard and had to bring up the feed so he could see she was okay. She had become like a second mum and he hadn't realised until now how much he been afraid for her. These things were sucking up humans! _That's gross!_ Why and how were two questions he wasn't sure he wanted an answer to.

'Commander,' he spoke into the com, glad to be back in flight and able to help. 'We're moving towards your position. EDI has updated scans and those tubes lead into a central chamber above you.'

'Thanks, Joker, how do we get there?'

'Updating your omnitools now,' EDI forwarded the data.

'You've got two choices, security door or seeker swarms,' Joker informed her. 'There is no door number 3.'

'The chamber is over run, I do not believe Mordin's countermeasure will work against so many.' EDI clarified.

Joker listened in to the discussion as the team decided on their plan. He would have been happy for them to turn around right now and blow the ship from a distance but they didn't have the firepower. Besides, he knew Shepard wouldn't leave until she knew what was going on, why the Collectors were turning humans into sludge. The crew obviously couldn't fight and he was thankful when Shepard suggested Mordin lead them back, especially after Miranda complained that they couldn't afford the time to return the crew to safety.

'Commander, I can land back from your position,' he sent the co-ordinates to Mordin. 'I'll make sure the crew are looked after.'

'Thanks, Joker.' He could hear the relief in her voice. 'Hopefully we won't be far behind.'

'Roger that,' he switched to her private channel, 'please be careful babe, and watch your back.' He couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. She nodded in silent agreement.

'Okay, let's do this.' He watched as Shepard picked her team, never had he been so happy to see Miranda left behind.

Joker locked in on Mordin's signal and manoeuvred the Normandy into place. It wasn't a proper dock but the platform he hovered beside was plenty wide enough for the crew to step onto the ship. The group only encountered a couple of stray Collectors which Mordin easily took care of and as they neared the ship Joker stood up to greet them at the airlock, grabbing the assault rifle from its holder on the wall behind him. Once again he was glad Jacob had thought about making sure he had his own specially modded weapon handy if he needed it, the pistol down by his knees just didn't feel like enough this time. Donnelly was the first to step aboard and with a nod at Joker he helped everyone else across.

One by one the crew stepped into safety and Joker was really glad he wasn't alone any longer. Dr Chakwas and Mordin were the last to enter and as Chakwas stepped on board she pulled him into a hug. He tried not to groan as she held on, his arms automatically folding around her. As Mordin closed the airlock she stepped back and looked at him.

'Thank you,' she whispered through moist eyes and it took major effort for him to hold back his own tears.

'Hey, we couldn't leave you behind, there'd be no one to yell at me.' He shrugged and she chuckled softly.

'I hear you have a few broken ribs,' she ran her hands across his chest and he flinched. 'Give me half an hour to check out the crew and I'll bring you some meds.'

'No rush, doc, go and take care of yourself first.' He hugged her again then watched her walk away. In all the years he'd known her she'd never looked so down and his heart went out to her. He wished he could offer her the same support she'd always offered him but now wasn't the time.

'Don't worry, Joker,' Mordin patted his shoulder. 'I will look after them.'

'Thanks, doc,' Joker slipped the rifle back into its holder and settled back into his seat. Now he just had to wait for the rest of the team to return.

'Joker,' Donnelly grabbed his attention on the com. 'Good work on the repairs, you'll be after my job next.'

'Not likely,' Joker scoffed, 'I have too much fun flying to be stuck below deck. EDI can fill you in on what we've fixed and what still needs to be done.' He thought for a moment, 'why aren't you getting checked out by Chakwas?'

'Will do that after, feel okay so thought I'd get to work, keep myself busy, you know.'

'Yeah, I know.'

Joker settled in to wait, absently listening to the feed from the ground crew. He knew they were under enormous pressure from a relentless wave of Collector forces and the longer it went on the more he worried. They had to be getting exhausted and that's when mistakes were made. He knew Shepard had slept well, she'd been curled up in his arms for most of the sleep cycle. He'd woken before her simply because the sensation of passing through a relay had disturbed him. He remembered waking up and watching her sleep.

'_EDI, did we just pass through a relay?' He spoke softly as he realised Shepard was still asleep beside him._

'_Yes,' EDI was just as quiet. 'I believed you and the Commander needed to sleep, I am capable of handling a relay transit.'_

'_Thanks EDI,' he dropped his head back onto the pillow. He wasn't sure he liked handing over control to the AI for a relay transit but he definitely liked waking up before Shepard and being able to enjoy precious moments holding her._

_He snuggled down beside her, wrapping his arm around her as he cradled his head with the other. She looked so peaceful, so relaxed, so beautiful. He watched her chest rise and fall, watched a smile cross her face as she dreamed. The emotion he felt was overpowering and he had to fight back tears at the thought that she loved him as much as he loved her. How in hell did he get so lucky?_

_She stirred under his arm and he kissed her shoulder lightly as she turned towards him, her eyes opening slowly. There was that moment between sleep and waking when he saw the woman behind the persona and it was breathtaking. He felt his chest tighten as he met her unguarded eyes and saw her beautiful soul looking back. It was fleeting and quickly gone but he wouldn't have missed it for anything._

'_Hey you,' she whispered hoarsely._

'_Hey yourself,' he leaned over and kissed her, wanting more as she kissed him back._

'_Do you have to go?' Her hand ran up his chest and he shivered._

'_No, EDI took us through the relay, we have a couple of hours yet.' He pulled her in close and she snuggled into his chest. 'Go back to sleep.'_

'_Okay,' she nodded and for a moment he thought she was dropping off. That was until he felt her hand running from his neck to his nipples where she pinched him playfully._

'_Ow,' he moaned in mock pain. 'Thought you were going to sleep.'_

'_I can think of better ways to kill a couple of hours,' she kissed her way up his chest to his neck and he sucked in a breath, wincing as his ribs hurt. 'Sorry,' she pulled back to look at him._

'_You didn't have to stop,' he dropped his forehead onto hers._

'_I don't want to hurt you,' she pouted and he chuckled._

'_I think I can take it, just be gentle,' he ran his hand down to her backside and she giggled which made him laugh._

'_If you're going to laugh at me I'll stop,' she threatened._

'_No more laughing,' he brought his hand back up to her face and slid his fingers around the back of her neck before meeting her eyes. 'Do you know how much I love you Ari?'_

'_About as much as I love you,' she smiled and he closed the gap between them, their tongues dancing in familiar patterns as their bodies moulded to each other._

'Shepard hurry,' Garrus brought him back to the present.

He watched as Shepard covered the last of the passage, Samara's barrier slowly weakening, but not enough so she couldn't give a final blast before one door closed behind them and another one stood in their way.

'Get that door open,' Shepard ordered then opened fire to protect her team as they slipped through.

Garrus doubled over as the door closed behind him and for a moment Joker was afraid he'd been shot. He wasn't wrong, he had been shot, but his shields had absorbed most of the impact and after a moment he pulled himself upright. The team was exhausted, he could see it in the way they stood, shoulders bowed, heads down. Shepard was feeling it, he could see it in the way her jaw clenched, the way her fingers flexed but she covered it as she always did. She stepped up onto a raised platform and looked out at her team.

'Commander, the crew are safely aboard, no casualties,' Joker saw the flicker of relief, she had needed to hear good news. He knew it was probably a little egotistical but she needed to hear him.

'EDI, what's our next step,' Miranda interrupted, attempting to take control.

'There should be some platforms nearby that will take you to the main control console where you can overload the system and destroy the base.'

'I'll go with you Shepard,' Miranda went to step up but Shepard put up her hand.

'I want Thane and Tali with me,' she glared at Miranda, as if urging her to object.

Joker jumped as his screen lit up red, 'Ah, Commander, you might want to move. You've got enemies massing outside the door and it won't take them long to break through.'

He watched her nod and he knew she was working on the best option, the one that would keep her team alive. It was only seconds but it felt like a lifetime before she sucked in a breath and ordered her team to hold the door, leaving Garrus in charge. She knelt down and whispered something to him before standing up and addressing her team for what could be the last time.

She truly was an amazing woman. Joker already knew this but as she rallied her team, spoke to them like equals and told them how much she trusted them and appreciated everything they'd done to get to this point, he could see in their faces that they realised it too. They pulled themselves upright, sucked in a breath and there was pride on their faces as they watched her walk towards what could be her death. Joker felt nothing but fear as the platform moved away with her on it.

They were getting close now so Joker began his FTL pre-flight checks. He watched the readouts, trying to ignore the feeling that something was wrong, trying to control the churning in his guts as he thought about Shepard in the heart of the Collector base with no way for him to get to her. He was also a little worried about how exposed they were, sitting just off the base, close enough to move in quickly but far enough away so no no-one or thing could board. He jumped as Hadley slipped into the co-pilot's seat.

'Hadley, aren't you supposed to be in medbay, getting checked out?' It didn't take much to see that the man was still dealing with what he'd been through. His face was pale, his eyes dull and there was a definite shake in his hands. How did anyone deal with the threat of death in such a horrible way, the thought that he could have been broken down into sludge and sucked into who knows what? If there were worse ways to die Joker couldn't think of one.

'Need to be doing something,' there was a quiver in his voice. 'Figured this was the one place I might be able to help.'

'Okay, you can run through the FTL pre-flight checks with me and co-ordinate with Donnelly on repairs,' Joker watched as Hadley nodded and raised his hands to the console.

'Thanks Joker,' he glanced over and Joker thought he was going to cry.

'What for?'

'Coming for us,' Hadley took a deep shuddering breath. 'Cerberus would have left us to die.'

'You're on Shepard's crew now,' Joker reminded him. 'And I should be thanking you.'

'What for?' Hadley looked at him, confusion wiping away fear for a moment.

'Pushing me through the door,' Joker shook his head, Hadley had saved him, given him the chance to save them all. 'If you hadn't … then who knows.'

'No choice, you were the only one that could have got us here.' He looked at Joker with respect, 'I've seen the vids, EDI showed me. What you did when you came through the relay, I couldn't have done that, no-one could.'

'I'm sure someone could,' Joker tried to play down the hero worship, as much as he enjoyed it he'd only been doing his job.

'No, I've known a lot of pilots,' Hadley shook his head. 'You feel the ship, you become the ship. It's amazing to watch and I've never seen anyone else do it.'

'Thanks,' Joker chuckled, 'but I wouldn't be here if you hadn't pushed me away, so thanks.'

Hadley nodded and Joker was glad to see his hands had almost lost their shake. He went back to his system checks, the crew was safe, now all he had to do was make sure he was ready, so Shepard would be safe and back where she belonged.

'Keelah!' Tali's horrified exclamation dragged his eyes to the screen.

'A human Reaper, they're building a human Reaper?' Shepard was as horrified as Tali, he could see why.

It was huge. Nothing could have prepared them for this. He listened as EDI explained what she'd discovered, it was beyond belief. This wasn't just any Reaper, this was a definite sign that humans were a target. Shepard was suddenly under fire and his heart raced as she dived for cover. His blood ran cold as the all too familiar voice of Harbinger once again threatened the life of the woman he loved.


	40. Chapter 40

Joker wasn't one for nightmares, at least not since Shepard came back, but he really felt like all his worst nightmares were coming true all at once. Shepard was out of reach and under fire, there was a great monstrosity of a thing sucking up humans, the Collectors were aiming to wipe out humanity under orders from the Reapers and they were going to be lucky if they made it out alive. Who wouldn't believe nightmares were coming true, those monsters under the bed had come out and the closet door was slowly creaking open revealing an all encompassing blackness. Joker shivered.

'Take that thing down,' Shepard yelled as she took out a Collector before Harbinger took control.

_Breathe!_ The tightness in Joker's chest forced him to suck in a breath, he needed to breathe, force down the terror in his heart as Shepard stood and aimed at the glass tubes filled with what could very well be human sludge. Tali and Thane had her back and Joker promised himself he would thank them personally when this was all over. The last tube shattered and suddenly it was quiet. But it was an uncomfortable quiet, like the calm before a storm, when the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you just know something is coming. Shepard ordered the rest of the ground team back to the Normandy and Joker gave a relieved sigh, it was nearly over.

'Joker, get the engines prepped, I'm about to blow this place.'

'Already on it, Commander,' Joker pulled himself up and readied his hand on his console. A beep to his left made him frown. _What the fuck! Now?_ 'Ahh, Commander, I have an incoming message, the Illusive Asshole wants to talk to you.'

Joker gaped in disbelief. He knew that Cerberus were all about humanity first, doing whatever the hell they liked to get results and not particularly caring about who got in their way. He couldn't get rid of the sour taste in his mouth over having to work with them. But this was something else. Keep the base? Use the technology? Hadn't he heard about indoctrination, wait, of course he had, he'd deliberately put teams in positions to become indoctrinated. And now he expected Shepard to obey him, to not destroy this thing that had taken so many lives, human lives. Joker was seriously starting to believe that the Illusive Man was insane. Anyone who called himself the Illusive Man had to be some kind of psychopath, didn't they? Beside him Hadley cursed angrily and Joker realised he was seeing Cerberus for what it truly was. Shepard broke the connection and set the timer.

'EDI, we need to get closer,' he fired up the engines as EDI provided co-ordinates. He no sooner had them into position than everything went dark. 'EDI, what's going on?'

There was no response. Nothing worked, communications, flight control, nothing. Joker was trying not to panic as EDI popped into view beside him.

'EDI, what just happened?'

'The Illusive Man tried to re-establish control, I stopped him.'

'What now! How did you ….. never mind, we'll figure it out later.' Joker quickly turned back to his controls, only to realise that Shepard's feeds had vanished. His heart dropped through his boots at the thought that she might be dead. 'Commander, can you hear me?' Nothing but quiet came back. 'Shepard, come on, answer me.'

'Shepard's dead and we're leaving now.' The sound of a gun cocking behind him scared the living crap out of him and he turned to see Miranda with a pistol aimed at his head.

It seemed strange to Joker that she was pointing a pistol at him, she could quickly and easily use her biotics to overpower him, break every bone in his body. First the Illusive Man and now this.

'Did someone make today Crazy Day and not tell me because if they had I would have come up with something. I can certainly do crazy,' Joker shook his head and sighed. 'You know if you shoot me you're stuck here.'

'Hadley can pilot, so can EDI,' Miranda shrugged.

'Fine,' Joker went to stand up.

'Where are you going?' Miranda failed to hide her surprise. 'Sit down.'

'I'm not leaving without Shepard,' Joker dropped back into his seat, 'so if you want to leave I need to get out of this seat.'

'Hadley, take over as pilot,' Miranda glanced at him and motioned with the pistol for him to take Joker's seat.

'Not on your life,' Hadley scoffed and Miranda gaped at him. 'There's no way in hell I could fly us out of here.' Joker smirked as Miranda realised she wasn't in control.

'You work for Cerberus and this is a Cerberus ship.' Miranda reminded him.

'I work for Shepard,' Hadley stood up and faced her, 'Cerberus can go to hell.'

For a moment Joker was afraid she was going to shoot him but she was obviously surprised and didn't know how to react. Miranda's eyes widened and she suddenly slumped to the floor.

'Take that,' Kasumi disabled her cloak and grinned at Joker.

'Guess that explains why she hurried to get back before us,' Garrus stood behind Kasumi, bent over and gasping for breath. 'Damn, could have done without the running.'

There was a commotion behind Garrus as the rest of the ground team piled through the airlock. They all stopped in surprise at the sight of Miranda crumpled on the floor.

'She tried to take control, didn't she,' Jacob shook his head.

'Yeah, wanted to leave everyone behind.' Joker stared at the woman on the floor before looking up as footsteps approached. 'Good timing, doc,'

'I heard over the com, I came to sedate her so we can move her,' Dr Chakwas injected Miranda and Jacob bent down to pick her up. With a nod to Joker they headed for the elevator.

'Shepard,' Garrus asked as Joker turned back to his console.

'Lost contact when The Illusive Man tried to take back the Normandy,' he heard the surprised grunts and gasps behind him but ignored them, he had other, more important things to focus on. 'Commander, do you copy? Come on Shepard, don't leave me hanging.' He waited with baited breath for a reply.

'Joker, did the ground team make it?'

He had never been so happy to hear her voice. He sighed and dropped his head back against his chair. 'All survivors on board, we're just waiting for you.'

'On my way.' The sound of gunfire and the hum of swarms could be heard and Joker realised she still might not make it.

'Hold us steady,' he spoke to both EDI and Hadley, not really bothering which one took notice as he got up out of his seat.

'Collector signals are appearing outside,' EDI sounded worried and Joker spared her a glance before grabbing the assault rifle from the wall and bracing himself in the airlock.

He watched and waited for Shepard to appear, moments ticked by and he was starting to worry. Garrus moved beside him and Zaeed took up position against the other wall. The sound of gunfire made them all look to where Thane and Tali appeared, running for their lives but occasionally turning to fire on something behind them. There was no sign of Shepard. Joker's heart skipped a beat as Thane and Tali jumped aboard but still no Shepard.

He was right about all his nightmares coming true as a piece of the ceiling collapsed and took out the platform they rested against. Shepard finally appeared, dashing towards them with Collectors right behind. He looked at the gap and realised she wouldn't make it.

'EDI we need to get closer!' He took out a Collector that was almost on top of Shepard as the ship moved slightly. It wasn't enough but they had no room to manoeuvre.

Beside him Garrus and Zaeed were taking out the Collectors so Shepard had a clear path. He happily helped them do it. She was almost there, he held his breath as she charged up the path, leapt from the edge and flew through the air towards him. He could see the doubt in her eyes as she realised she was going to be short of her target.

'Shepard!' He watched as she flailed towards him, a shot hit the wall behind him but he only had eyes for the woman who was getting closer with every second. She had to make it.

She hit the side of the ship with a crash and he panicked as her fingers struggled to grip the edge. She was slipping and there was nothing he could do, he didn't have the strength to lift her and the weight of her armour. But he was prepared to try. The assault rifle was slipping from his fingers, his hands droppings as he bent his knees. Garrus and Zaeed beat him to her. As one they lifted her into the airlock, dragging her in so quickly they ended up in a heap on the floor. Fighting back a choked cry Joker slammed the airlock shut and raced awkwardly for the bridge.

'Detonation in ten, nine, eight ….'

'I get it EDI,' Joker almost yelled as he slid into his seat. 'Re-route all non-essential systems to propulsion, we need to move fast.'

His hands instinctively flew across the controls, his face was picture of confidence as the Normandy shot away from the base. Numbers ran through his head as he calculated trajectory, the possible strength and size of the shockwave that was about to hit them, distance to the relay and he knew he had only one option.

'FTL in five, four, three …'

The ship shuddered and as quickly as she went into FTL she just as quickly came out of it. Joker scanned his readouts and blew out a deep breath. All he had to do now was avoid the debris.

'Holy shit!' Hadley was pushed back into his chair and he looked at Joker in awe.

'What?' Shepard looked down at him from where she stood behind Joker who hadn't even realised she was there.

'We just did an in system jump, outran a shockwave that could have destroyed us and Joker worked it all out in his head in seconds. That's amazing!'

'It was a risky manoeuvre,' EDI added.

'That's why he's the best,' she leant down and kissed him. Joker was smirking as she straightened up. 'Get us to the relay Joker, I need to tell the Illusive Man I'm stealing his ship.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Joker chuckled and without really thinking about it took them back through the debris field, lining them up for relay transit.

* * *

'What are you going to do about Miranda?'

Joker buried his nose in Shepard's hair as she rested against him, thankful that she was alive for him to do it. They'd managed to find five minutes to themselves in the chaos that resulted from their mission and he was going to make the most of it. He rested against the arm of the sofa with Shepard lying alongside him, her head resting on his chest and he was in heaven. He knew she was tired, they all were, and sleep was going to be welcomed with open arms but there were still things that had to be done to secure their safety. Right now they were tucked in among the asteroids surrounding Omega, hidden but definitely not safe.

'I don't know,' she sighed and pulled his arm down from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her. 'I guess I'll go talk to her first.'

'Please take someone with you,' he tried not to sound concerned but failed.

'I will,' she sat up and looked at him, her legs slipped over his so she was half on his lap as her hand came up and brushed his face. 'I am so proud of you.' She kissed him lightly. 'What you did saved our lives.'

'Yeah, so is that like you owe me?' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'I guess I do,' she grinned, 'so does everyone else on this ship.'

'I'm not interested in anyone else on this ship,' he pulled her close.

'Really, don't fancy Kasumi or Garrus?'

'Ew! Way to break the mood,' he chuckled and ran his fingers round the back of her neck and through her hair. 'You're the only one I'm interested in.' He caught her lips with his and rejoiced in the euphoria that overwhelmed him.

'Commander,' EDI interrupted. 'The shipyards at Omega have agreed to repair the Normandy. A berth is available.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Shepard sighed as she pulled away from the kiss.

'Guess we'd better go to Omega,' Joker pulled her into his chest and hugged her, 'I know it's not the most pleasant place in the galaxy but how about we have dinner somewhere.'

'Are you asking me on a date?' She chuckled.

'Yeah, guess if we're going to be married I should at least make an effort,' he shrugged and she hit him playfully on the arm. 'Is that a yes?'

'Yes, I'll have dinner with you,' she smirked, kissed him and got to her feet. 'Guess we'd better get used to eating out, I certainly can't cook.'

'So you can't cook, can't dance, is there anything else I should know about so I know just how bad a deal I'm getting here,' Joker took her hand and laughed at the scowl on her face.

'Really,' she pulled him to his feet and slipped her arms around him, her hands coming to rest on his backside. 'I can't keep my hands of you, does that count.'

'I know, I'm irresistible,' he smirked and she groaned as she went to pull away. 'Hey,' he pulled her back and wrapped his arms around her, his green eyes meeting hers and he wanted to melt into them. 'I love you.'

'I love you,' she smiled and kissed him, the kiss slowly deepening and wanting to become something more.

'If I don't leave now I never will,' Joker was breathless as he reluctantly broke the kiss.

'I know,' she sighed and stepped back. 'I'd better go and talk to Miranda. Let me know when we're close to Omega.'

As they stepped into the elevator Joker couldn't resist one last kiss and he pinned her against the wall. He was more than happy when she responded. The sound of the doors opening forced them apart and Joker stepped out onto the command deck. With a tired sigh he turned and headed for the bridge. The ship needed repairs, Miranda needed to be dealt with and the Alliance would need to be contacted. All important items on the to do list but there was only one thing on his mind as he slipped into his seat. They had a wedding to organise and he had an idea. Now that they were no longer Cerberus he could contact people directly. He set the ship on course for Omega and opened up a call, he was sure Shepard would be happy with it and he wanted to give her something special, something she'd wanted since the day she came back to life.

* * *

A/N: I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone reading this fic. It's great to see those reviews, favourite and follow notices. It's a good feeling knowing that others are getting enjoyment out of my writing.

We're getting to the end now, not sure if I will continue this into ME3 just yet, have ideas but James and Kaidan are screaming at me that it's their turn. Will think about it.


	41. Chapter 41

Joker brought up the feed from Miranda's quarters. He knew Shepard was in there and he needed to be sure she was okay. He was relieved to see Garrus standing beside her and Jacob beside him. All outgoing feeds from Miranda's consoles had been de-activated and all incoming feeds redirected to Shepard. In fact, all communication feeds now passed through EDI and any suspicious or Cerberus directed messages were brought to either his or Shepard's attention. It was a lot of trust in the AI but Joker had no doubt she didn't want to be shackled by Cerberus again.

'Why Miranda?' Shepard was pacing and Joker could see the tension in her jaw.

'Because I'm Cerberus, Shepard, why else?' Miranda was sat on the bed, her shoulders hunched and her fingers flexing. If he weren't more aware of her biotic abilities he would have said she looked defeated.

'I thought we'd got past that, I thought you'd begun to see them for what they really are,' Shepard stopped pacing and looked at her.

'What choice do I have,' Miranda glared at her. 'If I go against them the Illusive Man will kill me. And you think he won't come after you as well. It's what he does, it's how Cerberus works.'

'You have a choice, Miranda,' Shepard's tone softened and Joker knew she would offer Miranda her help, she really couldn't help herself. He'd fallen in love with a woman who cared about others, as much as she tried to hide it sometimes, it was just in her nature to do so. 'Let me help you.'

'How, by handing me over to your precious Alliance,' Miranda scoffed but there was a flicker of hope in her eyes.

'No, by letting you go, by asking the Shadow Broker to help you, by giving you shelter if you want it.'

Shepard moved to sit beside her on the bed and Joker felt his stomach twist as he realised how easily it would be for Miranda to turn on her. Garrus must have felt the same because he moved closer, his hand resting on the pistol on his hip. Miranda glanced up at him then turned to face Shepard.

'Why would you do that?'

'Because I owe you my life,' Shepard sighed and met Miranda's eyes. 'You might have been working for Cerberus but you brought me back. I know you won't admit it but I think you really do care, about me, about this ship and the people on it. You've done things out of fear. You remind me of myself.'

Miranda gaped and so did Joker. He'd never thought of it that way. Shepard was more than able to put up a cold, heartless front if she needed to and it was only in the privacy of their cabin he saw the soft hearted person underneath. He had done it too, for a long time, put up wall to protect himself, partly out of fear. Was Miranda doing the same? Was her severity and coldness purely a self-protection instinct. He wondered but he couldn't really believe it. He glanced at Jacob who was frowning, he doubted and he knew Miranda better than anyone on the ship.

'Do you think you could protect yourself from the Illusive Man?'

'Maybe,' Miranda shrugged and stared at the floor.

'Question is, do you want to get away from Cerberus?' Shepard stood up and looked down at her, 'I'll give you some time to think about it, after that you'll have to make the choice. You can either stay on this ship, help me to fight the Reapers, save humanity or you can leave, go back to Cerberus or not. Only you can make that choice.' Miranda nodded and Joker was relieved when Shepard was outside the room, the door locking behind her. 'Joker, how long till we dock?'

'About an hour,' he watched her sigh and the weight on her shoulders was never more obvious.

'Can you ask the crew to gather in the CIC in fifteen minutes please.'

'Roger that.'

Joker made the announcement, checked their course and sat back in his chair. It suddenly hit him that very soon this ship, Shepard and himself would be in the hands of the Alliance. What would happen then? The Reapers were still coming, destroying the Alpha relay had only slowed them down but Shepard would be taken to task over her actions. She would be out of action, unable to prepare. He would probably be in detention too, unable to be with her, going insane from the separation and being grounded.

'Jeff, I have an incoming message for Miss Chambers and one for Mr Massini. Both from the Illusive Man.'

'Let's have a look,' he reached across and brought up the messages. His brow furrowed as he read them and he felt his anger rising. 'Commander, can you come to the bridge please.'

'What is it Joker,' she was quickly beside him.

'Just the Illusive Man trying to get back control,' he brought up the messages and saw her anger rise.

'I'll handle it,' she rested her hand on his shoulder, 'guess we'd better get used to things like this.'

'Hey,' he grabbed her hand as she went to walk away. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, just thinking about what's going to happen, you know,' she gave him a weak smile and he pulled her gently into his lap.

'Whatever happens I'll be right beside you,' he held her against his chest.

'Maybe you shouldn't be,' she sighed and he lifted her head so he could see her eyes, he needed to know she wasn't serious.

'Don't ask me to walk away, Ari, I can't do that.' He brushed the side of her face with his fingers, 'you've got me for life, whatever happens.'

'How did I end up with someone like you,' she gave him a genuine smile and kissed him lightly.

'Damned lucky, how else,' he chuckled against her lips.

'Yes I am,' she agreed before getting to her feet. 'I'd better go let the crew know what's happening. Ship wide coms please.'

He spun to watch her walk away and laughed as she deliberately exaggerated the swing of her hips just for him. God he loved her. She passed through the gathered crew and stood on the platform over the Galaxy map. Her eyes met his briefly before she turned to the task at hand.

'Firstly I would like to thank each and every one of you for being here, for being on this ship and helping to take down one of the greatest threats to humanity. You've all played your part and though the Collectors are gone the danger is not over. The Reapers are coming and their intention is the annihilation of every organic being in this galaxy.'

There was a mumble of concerned voices and Joker could understand. Before Eden Prime, before the battle for the Citadel he would have found it hard to believe as well. The Collectors were a means to an end but they weren't the true enemy. There were still disbelievers out there and he couldn't blame them, hell there were still times when he found it hard to believe. But he did and so did Shepard and those who knew her best.

'Knowing what's coming we need to gather the races of the galaxy together, we need to fight side by side if we hope to survive.' She paused and looked at the questioning faces of her crew. 'With that in mind we will be docking at Omega to repair the Normandy to a safe level. Once she is ready I will be handing her and myself over to the Alliance.' There were gasps and questions but she ignored them. 'I have to answer for the destruction of the Bahak system. I will do this to prevent war with the Batarians.' She chuckled and shook her head, 'for those of you who believe in the Cerberus philosophy I know this will be difficult to comprehend. But this is bigger than humanity. This is bigger than any one race. Cerberus is supposedly pro-human and yet the Illusive Man wanted me to keep the Collector base intact. He wanted to use it, to ignore all the human lives that went into creating the human reaper. Your lives and thousands more could have been included in that.'

Joker sensed a change in the mood of the crew. Shepard was weaving her magic and although she wouldn't convince everyone he knew she would convince most. He knew there were still die hard Cerberus supporters on board, he also knew it wasn't about humanity first it was about fear. How could it not be? For generations humans had played with the idea of aliens coming to destroy the Earth, to wipe out mankind. After the First Contact War there had been protests about interacting with aliens, about defending the Earth. Eventually humanity joined the galactic population, not without incidents or problems and mostly they were accepted. But there were always the doubters and he guessed that would never change.

'For those of you who wish to leave we will be docking at the Omega shipyards. I don't expect you to stay, you have to make your own choices, but anyone who does stay will have my protection from Cerberus, from the Alliance. Plans have already been put in place to make sure none of you suffer because you are on this ship. All I ask is that you think about your choices and I will be available if you wish to talk to me. Crew dismissed.' Joker heard the crackle in his ear as she opened the direct com channel. 'Joker, can you ask Chambers, Zaeed, Jacob and Kasumi to join me in the briefing room in ten minutes and ask Garrus to bring Miranda.'

Joker nodded, knowing she was looking at him and he spun his chair back to the controls. This would be interesting. They were almost in range of the shipyards so he contacted the docks for berthing instructions, opening up the feed from the briefing room at the same time. They were still fifteen minutes out so he confirmed their course then set about working his way through the thicker collection of asteroids surrounding Omega. It was a good idea really, using asteroids as a defence shield, they were rarely in the same place twice so passing through on autopilot was not a good idea. He was confident in thinking that more than one ship had come to grief trying to do that. Ships crashing into these even just moving through them, could send them into motion, send them crashing into other rocks and so ensuring constant movement.

A soft sound behind him made him glance up to find Thane standing beside his chair. The Drell stood sideways to Joker, watching the CIC, he was relaxed but alert.

'Shepard asked you to come up here, didn't she,' Joker shook his head.

'Yes, she was ….. concerned.'

'Hey Thane,' Joker turned a little so he could see the Drell. 'Thanks for watching out for her.'

'It is an honour, she has given me back my life so it is only right that I protect hers, and those she loves.' Joker nodded and went back to work.

* * *

'Damn Shepard, you really know how to make speeches,' Zaeed laughed as he entered the briefing room, dragging Joker's eyes up to the screen for a moment.

'Just doing my job,' she chuckled and straightened from where she leaned on the table as Chambers and Jacob entered the room.

Joker smirked at the look of panic on Chambers' face. Being in close quarters with Shepard was uncomfortable for her since Shepard held a gun to her face. He sometimes felt sorry for her, but only sometimes and not very seriously. Jacob was his usual quiet self, he glanced at Shepard and took up a position alongside her, falling instinctively into a relaxed but prepared stance. Kasumi entered the room and silently took up a position on Shepard's other side. Garrus and Miranda were the last to enter, Miranda glanced around the room while Garrus stayed one step behind her, tense and alert.

'EDI, lock the door, no-one leaves this room without my authorisation.' Shepard instructed and Joker had to bite back concern.

Joker focused his attention on his flying, dropping their speed as they approached the lower levels of Omega. The ship yards were in the lower section of the station, out of the way of general docking, a small collection of businesses has set themselves up around the shipyards and it was one of the safer areas on Omega. Joker was sure the shipyards would have regular business both from ships being damaged by asteroids to the ones damaged in fight between warring factions in the Traverse. He was hoping their work would be up to standard, the Normandy deserved the best they could get. A docking beacon targeted the ship and he followed the guide through the structural maze.

'What are we doing here, Shepard?' Zaeed sounded angry and Joker frowned as he listened.

'EDI, send the messages to Chambers and Zaeed please.'

'What the ….' Zaeed stopped in mid-sentence and Joker looked up to see him reading the message. 'Shit. Just what I need.'

Chambers didn't say a word and Joker guessed she'd be too scared to react at all, unless it was to run in panic.

'Chambers?' Shepard spoke softly but Joker knew there was anger underneath.

'What the hell is going on Shepard?' Miranda was loud, acerbic and Joker glanced up to see Garrus place his hand on his pistol and Jacob straighten up and clench his fists.

'The Illusive Man sent Chambers and Zaeed a message. Chambers here is supposed to stay on board and undermine any influence I might have with the Cerberus crew with the intention of taking back the Normandy.' Joker heard movement and knew Shepard was pacing, it was what she did when she was angry or working on a problem. 'Zaeed is supposed to make sure you are put back in charge, whatever it takes.'

There was a collective gasp from everyone in the room and Joker was a little amazed that they seemed surprised. They should have expected something like this by now.

'Why are we here?' Kasumi asked, indicating herself and Jacob, although Joker figured she already knew the answer.

'Because I trust you both.' Shepard sighed, she was tired and Joker felt a moment of doubt. If Zaeed agreed to the Illusive Man's deal and with Miranda's biotics there was a good chance someone would die, that the crew would mutiny. He was suddenly glad Thane was beside him. 'We have choices to make here and the wrong ones will see some of us dying in this room. I have no intention of letting Cerberus take back the Normandy. She is an Alliance ship and Cerberus stole the plans, besides, the Alliance will need this ship to defeat the Reapers. So,' she paused, as if gathering her strength, 'what happens now is up to you.'

'Fuck that!' Zaeed cursed and waved his arm at Miranda. 'This Cerberus bitch has made her bed so let her lie in it. She wanted to see us all die on that Collector base so I say good riddance. I'd be happy to put a god damn bullet in her head for you.' Joker blew out the breath he'd been holding, one down.

'I want to get off the ship,' Chambers voice shook. 'I don't know about anything else, I just want to get off.' Two down.

'Miranda, I gave you options, what have you decided?' Joker could hear the frown in Shepard's voice.

There was a long, drawn out sigh, 'I don't know, Shepard. I can't stay here and I know I can't fight you on board your ship, you've already won over the crew and the three people in this room would put a bullet in my head before I could get to you.'

'Four,' Zaeed added and Joker grinned.

'I offered you protection,' Shepard reminded her.

'But you'd never fully trust me,' Miranda chuckled. 'I need to leave. Whether it's to go back to Cerberus or make it on my own I need to get off this ship, alive preferably.'

And that was the trifecta! Joker was positioning the ship so the docking clamps could lock on but it didn't stop him from cheering inwardly. There was a loud thud as the clamps attached themselves and the Normandy bounced before settling into their grip. He shut down systems and watched the feed from the briefing room.

'Okay, if that's what you want.' Shepard walked to the end of the table and looked from Chambers to Miranda. 'But know this, if either of you put this ship, this crew or anyone associated with me in danger I will kill you. Do you understand?' There was something about Shepard's Commander voice that made Joker want to take her up against a wall and he shivered as his body responded. _Behave!_

'Yes, Shepard,' Miranda nodded, Chambers just nodded and fidgeted awkwardly.

'Docking clamps locked, powering down, Commander.' Joker reported and saw Shepard's slight nod.

'Pack your things and get off my ship,' Shepard was cold and unfriendly and both women hurriedly left the room, Garrus trailing Miranda. Shepard looked at the three others in the room. 'Thank you for your support, it means a lot and I couldn't have done any of this without you.'

'We believe in you, Shepard,' Jacob snapped to attention and saluted. 'I'll be around if you need me.' He nodded and left.

'Give me a call when you go to fight the reapers, sounds like a hell of a fight,' Zaeed chuckled.

'Yeah, if I'm not behind bars,' Shepard scoffed.

'They'd better not, but I'm up for a jailbreak,' Zaeed laughed and Shepard shook his hand.

'Thanks, Zaeed, let me know when you find Veto and I'll help you if I can.' He nodded and left and Shepard turned to Kasumi. 'Thanks Kasumi, your friendship means a lot to me.'

'You're a very special person, Shepard,' Kasumi pulled her into a hug. 'I'm glad I was included in your little adventure and I'll be there for the next one if you need me.'

It was Shepard's turn to nod as she watched Kasumi leave. 'Joker.'

'Yeah babe.'

'I think I need a drink,' she sighed and he heard her heavy footsteps through the com. There was a soft shuffle and he glanced around to see Thane walking away.

'I'll take care of the repair crew and meet you upstairs.' He watched as she entered the elevator before bringing up the schedule of repairs as the first of the workers approached the airlock. He had every intention of using their forced down time before the shit hit the fan with the Alliance. Two weeks and he planned to make the most of them.

* * *

A/N: I've taken a little bit of liberty with Omega in this chapter, shipyards aren't mentioned but I'm imagining they're there. Hope I don't upset too many people.

Looks like this will continue into ME3, Joker doesn't want to let go just yet, already written several chapters into it. Updates may be a little slower though as I want to play through the new DLC so I can include that in the storyline.

Thanks to everyone reading, favouriting, following and reviewing, hope you continue to enjoy.


	42. Chapter 42

A/N: Sorry guys, had planned to have this up sooner but real life got in the way – especially as this chapter was written some time ago and just waiting for its spot. We'll be heading into ME3 very shortly but things had to happen between the two games so this is my way of tying them together. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading.

* * *

Joker was signing off on the latest repairs when Shepard and Kasumi sauntered back on board, loaded with bags and laughing loudly. He grinned as he saw how relaxed Shepard looked, the ten days they'd been stuck on Omega had been good for her, good for both of them. They'd been out to dinner almost every night to a cosy café tucked in among the shipyards, it served good food and the owner was very happy to have the Saviour of the Citadel seated at his table. Once or twice Joker had cooked while she looked over his shoulder and distracted him devilishly.

After dinner they'd spent time alone in their cabin, talking, watching movies or playing chess. The chess games had become extra special after Shepard changed it to strip chess, that was when Joker stopped letting her win. Not that he told her that. They'd been spending as much time together as possible, getting to know each other intimately and not just physically. He had told her about his childhood, how he'd always been picked on, had to fight for everything, how his mother gave up her independence and family life to make sure he was cared for. She'd told him about Elysium, how scared she'd been and how frustrated and angry she was when she was held up as a hero because she didn't do it alone. Joker hadn't thought he could love her any more but he was being proved wrong over and over again.

'What have you two been up to?' His breath caught in his throat as Shepard's smile brightened her face. Every time she smiled he found himself gasping for breath but this was different. There was an intensity about her that almost floored him.

'We've been shopping,' she held up the bags and indicated that Kasumi should do the same.

'I didn't think Omega had places to shop,' he raised his eyebrows at her.

'They do for party supplies,' she giggled and he stared at her.

'Who's having a party?'

'We are,' she pointed to the three of them, 'and everyone else of course. I think we deserve it.'

'Damn right we do.' Joker nodded and offered to take Shepard's bags but she pulled them back.

'No, we're in charge of this, you just see to the ship,' she nodded her head in the direction of the bridge. 'How are the repairs going?'

'Almost complete, the hull breaches are sealed, just have to fix a few electrical bits and we're good to go.'

'Good,' for a moment there was sadness in her eyes but it quickly passed as Kasumi nudged her towards the CIC. 'Can you let the crew know to be in the mess at 1800.'

'Will do,' he nodded and watched her walk away. He shared her sadness, their time was coming to an end, a few more days and they would be back in the hands of the Alliance. He fought of his despondent mood and informed the crew as Shepard asked.

He didn't know whether to be worried about Shepard and Kasumi planning a party or to be glad she had something to concentrate on, to keep her mind off other things, especially as she had nothing to shoot or blow up. There had been moments lately when she thought no-one was looking that she had dropped the confident, happy façade and her fear and doubt had shown through. He'd seen it and it broke his heart. When he could he pulled her into a hug and told her he loved her, let her know she wasn't alone. He'd seen Garrus do the same, the Turian saw what he did and although he didn't pull her into a hug he often nudged her or made some simple comment that had her looking at him with gratitude. Joker supposed he should have been jealous of the bond between them but he knew Garrus saw her as a sister and Joker was thankful for that.

He settled himself in his chair and ran through the latest round of repairs. There was still a bit to be done but slowly the Normandy was being made whole and healthy. Donnelly and Daniels were working wonders in engineering and both had agreed to stay on board to the Citadel where the ship would be handed over. In fact many of the crew had opted to stay on board, some of the ex-Alliance crew had asked Shepard to put in a good word for them so they could re-join the Alliance. They knew what was coming and wanted to be in the fight, all had asked if they could be reinstated to the crew of the Normandy. It was a long shot but Shepard had promised them she'd try.

Miranda and Chambers were gone, Joker had almost cheered when Garrus had escorted them off the ship. Yes he had Miranda to thank for bringing Shepard back, for allowing him to walk without crutches, but he never trusted her. Chambers was just … well just … eww! Even thinking about her gave him the creeps. She'd actually smiled at him as she walked past and he'd felt like throwing up. He shivered just thinking about it.

Samara had left, something about needing to right an injustice, Zaeed had left to take up another job. Grunt was on his way to Tuchanka, Wrex had promised to take him under his wing and keep an eye on him. Tali had left to return to the Quarrian flotilla, strangely enough travelling with Legion part of the way. Thane had wanted to get back to the Citadel to spend time with his son, especially knowing his time was limited by his illness. The number on board was slowly dwindling and the ship was beginning to feel empty. Jack was still hanging around though, he'd expected her to be one of the first to leave but she hadn't, she'd told Shepard she stand by her as long as she needed her.

'Hey Joker,' Jacob walked up behind him and brought him back to the present. 'I have the list from the armoury, including some Cerberus prototypes and weapons mods that the Alliance don't have.' He handed Joker a datapad.

'Thanks, Jacob, I'll send these off in the next batch of reports.' He spun so he was facing the soldier. 'What are you planning to do, once the Alliance is back in control?'

'Not sure, have thought about re-joining but not sure I'd fit in.' He shrugged and leaned on the back of the co-pilot's chair. 'Just playing it by ear at this point. I'm pretty sure the Alliance will want to question me about Cerberus.'

'You could get off now,' Joker indicated the airlock.

'Nah, that would be like letting Shepard down,' he shook his head.

'No regrets about Miranda and Cerberus, about breaking ties?'

'No, never really trusted Cerberus and Miranda was one of the most cold-hearted women I've ever met, although she had her moments.' He seemed lost in memory but quickly pulled himself back. 'You know, I never would have believed that a ship could be home, a crew could be family. Is it always like this with Shepard?'

'Yep, she had the crew of the SR-1 wrapped around her little finger in no time,' Joker chuckled as he remembered how Shepard had got to know the crew. Even Pressly had weakened under her distinctive style of command.

'She's something special,' Jacob chuckled. 'You're a damn lucky man.'

'Don't I know it,' Joker sighed. 'I often wonder why me. She had so many choices and yet she chose me.'

'Don't underestimate yourself,' Jacob straightened and frowned at him. 'You're just as much a hero as she is, you deserve her just as much as anyone else. If anyone ever says otherwise send them to me.'

'Thanks, Jacob,' Joker stood up and held out his hand, which Jacob took, 'and thanks for having her back.'

'I had the easy job,' he grinned as Joker frowned at him, 'you have to live with her.'

'Yeah,' Joker shook his head with a grin. 'Guess we'd better go get ready for whatever those two have planned, it should be interesting.'

* * *

Joker was in pain, but it wasn't a bad kind of pain. He'd been laughing so much his chest hurt and his sides ached. Shepard and Kasumi had organised the mess into a sort of theatre with a buffet. The crew had been watching images from their mission on the SR-2. But it was like a vid of outtakes. Joker could only assume that the images had been put together from the cameras that Zaeed had tried to hide, from footage that Kasumi had captured while cloaked and from the surveillance EDI took.

The whole crew was in stitches. It didn't matter that they'd been caught naked or doing something stupid because everyone was included in the embarrassment. Even Shepard and Joker made an appearance, although theirs seemed to be more of stolen kisses or playful gropes of a backside. There were groans and a few moans of mortification but they soon turned to laughter and more than one person had tears rolling down their faces.

'No! Shit no!' Hadley cried out from down in front as he appeared on screen exiting the men's bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. Joker remembered this, he'd seen it before, Hadley had forgotten to take his clothes with him. Hadley groaned as the vid played and Joker laughed at his discomfort.

On screen Hadley went to dash to the crew quarters but as the door closed it caught his towel. He moved forward but the towel stayed put, leaving him butt naked in the corridor. It's all about timing, Joker thought as he laughed with everyone else because just at that precise moment Samara stepped into the corridor from the starboard lounge, Kasumi exited the port lounge, Shepard stepped out of the elevator and Chambers came around the corner from the mess. Hadley had nowhere to go.

'Nice uniform,' Shepard grinned.

'Nice ass,' Kasumi chuckled.

Samara raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down, Chambers simply giggled. Hadley had two choices, run for his life or be a man and strut his stuff. He chose the latter and slowly sauntered towards the crew quarters, trying to ignore the deep red shade his face turned as four pair of female eyes followed him.

He admitted to Joker later that it was the most embarrassing yet stimulating experience of his life and he was surprised he hadn't had a hard on by the time the doors closed behind him. There were catcalls and cheers as well as comments about his manhood but Hadley took it in his stride, stood up and bowed, again with a bright red face. The crew waved him down as the vid continued.

'Oh dear,' Chakwas moaned and buried her face as she was shown staggering from the medbay, almost falling against the wall as she tried to find her footing. 'Shepard, remind me never to try and out drink you again.'

'Oh crap,' Shepard groaned as the footage of her sauntering onto the bridge after Tuchanka appeared on screen. Her comments about Krogan babies and the fact that she was trying to undress Joker eliciting another groan as the crew chortled around her. 'If I ever drink Ryncol again, someone shoot me.'

There was at least one piece about everyone on board and Joker was impressed at the amount of work that had gone into putting it together. It was what they all needed, some time to look back at the more pleasant moments before having to face what was coming. He watched Shepard as she laughed openly, the look of pure happiness on her face would be etched in his memory, she was beautiful. As if sensing his eyes on her she turned and the joy in her eyes made him gasp. She leaned in and kissed him, her smile still lingering and he felt the passion and unbridled affection in her lips. He allowed everything he felt for her to pass through his lips and the kiss deepened. That was when he heard cheering. They were both grinning like idiots as they pulled apart and turned to see the crew watching them, cheering and clapping, sharing their happiness.

'Go back to the movie,' Shepard laughed and waved them away. Joker simply laughed and took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers as she leaned against his shoulder. This was perfect, this was how it should be. He pushed away the negative thoughts that intruded around the edges and concentrated on the feel of her hand in his, the touch of her face against his shoulder. Yep, this was definitely perfect.

* * *

Joker awoke to the feeling that something was wrong. He reached for Shepard only to find empty sheets. He forced his eyes open, rubbing away the sleep with one hand and pushing himself up with the other.

'Hey babe, what's wrong,' he shuffled over to where Shepard sat on the edge of the bed, her knees pulled up, her arms wrapped around them and her head dropped onto her forearms. He rested his hand in the small of her back and she flinched. 'Ari, talk to me.'

She lifted her head and turned to face him, her eyes were moist and he had never seen her look so scared. Instantly he was fully awake, sliding closer and pulling her into his arms. His heart was racing and he fought down panic as wild images ran through his mind. It took a lot to scare her so he was terrified.

'Anderson sent me a message,' she spoke into his chest and he heard the tremor in her voice. 'He'll be here in two days.'

Joker felt the world drop away beneath him. Two days. They'd run out of time. He felt Shepard trembling in his arms and tightened his embrace. They both knew this was coming but reality suddenly hit. It was like a punch to the gut and Joker felt winded, he fought to breathe and control his own fear. He needed to be strong, Shepard needed him to be there for her.

'It's not too late,' he tried to sound light-hearted and he almost succeeded. 'We can still go pirate, imagine what we could do with this ship in the Traverse. Jack would help us, we have Archangel to shoot the bad guys, Kasumi can get supplies and Grunt loves a good fight so he'd come back. Zaeed would probably want to be in it and he has experience. You've got the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm and an AI that's smarter than all of us put together. They'd never catch us and we can build our own army. Set up a base on a beach somewhere, best of both worlds.'

'We'd be the biggest, baddest of bad asses in the galaxy,' Shepard chuckled and he was relieved.

'Sure would, we'd have to repaint the ship though, something in red and black maybe. We'd need a new logo as well, something to make us stand out so everyone knows who we are. And a name, something fierce, dangerous.' He thought for a moment, 'we could be the Butt Kickers and our logo could be a boot up an ass.'

'You've obviously thought about this,' she giggled.

'Damn right I have,' he moved so he could see her face. 'If it means cruising the galaxy with you forever of course I'm going to think about it. I can do the whole eye patch thing, I've pretty much already got the wooden legs.'

'I could probably go the sexy, catsuit look, armoured of course with a sword for appearances.'

'Now that's an image I can go with,' he raised her face and kissed her. 'That's something I'd like to see.'

'Maybe one day I might just let you,' she purred and he felt his body react. She reached up and cupped his face, her eyes still moist and the fear still there but under control. 'Thank you.'

'What for?' Joker shifted and kissed his way down her neck, loving the hitch in her breath and the soft moan as he found her sweet spot.

'For being here, for loving me.' He stopped and raised his head to meet her eyes.

'I don't want to be anywhere else and loving you is purely self-serving on my part,' he grinned at her puzzled stare. 'I get to ravish this beautiful body,' he ran his hands down her side coming to rest on her hip. 'I get to kiss these soft lips,' he kissed her passionately, his tongue finding hers before he pulled back. 'I get to play with these perfect breasts,' his thumb ran around her nipple as he cupped her breast and she gasped as he bent down and took her in his mouth. 'I get to hear you moan in pleasure as I feel how ready you are for me,' he slipped his hand between her thighs and marvelled at how wet she was, he slipped his fingers inside her and smiled as she moaned and closed her eyes.

Joker was so much in love with her he felt like his heart was about to explode, there were definitely other parts of him that would too. 'But you know the best part,' he whispered huskily as he peppered kisses along her neck, 'I get to hear you call my name when I do this.' He entered her slowly and she arched her back as she wrapped her legs around him.

'Oh, god, Jeff,' she moaned and he watched her face, enraptured by the look of sheer bliss he saw there. 'I love the feel of you inside me,' she opened her eyes and the love that blazed out at him almost sent him careening over the edge. 'I wish you could stay there forever.'

'Oh, shit, Ari,' he gasped and buried his face in her neck as her arms gripped his shoulders.

His hand pulled her hips in closer and felt the pulse in her neck as it raced in time with his heart. He felt her losing control, the trembling in her legs, the gasping for breath letting him know she was so close to going over. He moved ever so slightly, knowing the exact spot to give her the ultimate pleasure and she groaned. It was primal, natural and sensual and as she tightened around him it became a soft scream. He heard his own groans as his release matched hers.

They lay unmoving, wrapped together, neither wanting to let go. His lips found hers and he twitched inside her, eliciting a soft moan from both of them. They had to part, they knew that, the day was coming when they may be parted for some time so right now they held on to every moment as if it was their last. Joker knew the fear and uncertainty was still there but he would do his best to keep it away, he would be her rock. As much as it was tearing him up inside he would never let her see that, he guessed that she sensed it, that she knew because it was how she felt. She must have known as his kiss became hungrier and she gently pushed him onto his back, never breaking the kiss, keeping him inside her as he slowly came back to life. He held her to him, their tongues dancing, their hips locked, their hearts beating as one. If they were to be parted then they were going to make the most of being together right now.


	43. Chapter 43

A/N: Okay, sliding a little off canon here but this is my story ;p Hope you like it.

Just a reminder that I own nothing, it all belongs to Bioware, I'm just adjusting things.

* * *

Joker stood at the airlock anxiously looking at his feet. Their time was up, the break from Cerberus was about to become official. They had spent time the previous night removing the Cerberus logo from their uniforms, in fact the entire crew had done the same and removed every logo they could from the ship. It seemed to boost morale and give them all a feeling of relief to be out from under its gaze. Approaching footsteps made him look up and he was thankful to see Garrus walking towards him. The Turian nodded and silently stood beside him. It wasn't long before Shepard joined them, giving him a nervous smile before moving to stand on his other side. He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently, she looked up at him and he could see the sadness and doubt she tried so hard to hide.

'It's not too late,' he reminded her and was happy to see the corners of her mouth turn up as she fought back a grin.

'We have to do this,' she sighed and shook out the tension in her shoulders. 'It's our only option.'

'Doesn't mean we have to like it,' Garrus scoffed and they both looked at him.

The sound of the airlock opening made them jump and they turned and waited for the decontamination process to finish. Eventually the inner door opened to allow entry. Joker followed Shepard's lead and stood to attention, his hand coming up automatically into a salute as Anderson stepped onto the ship. He wasn't back in the Alliance yet but this man deserved his respect, he had done so much for him, and for Shepard, that not to salute him would feel like an insult. But it was more than that, yeah he was an Admiral, but he was also a friend. Joker remembered him sitting beside him in the hospital after the SR-1 was destroyed, sharing his pain, his tears, his anger at being grounded. Before that he'd often approached him during his flight training, as if he knew how good a pilot he would become, as if he was waiting for him to pilot his ship. He'd been there in Joker's moments of doubt, never doubting him or his ability, never for a moment considering his disease as a barrier to Joker's future. Anderson had become a stand in father, someone Joker had gone to because his own father was unavailable to him. Yes this man deserved a salute and Joker was more than happy to give him one.

'Permission to come aboard,' he returned the salute.

'Granted,' Shepard dropped her arm and held out her hand. 'It's good to see you, sir.'

'You too,' he smiled and pulled her into a hug. 'What's with the sir, since when have we been so formal?'

'Just protocol,' she shrugged and he shook his head.

'Joker,' he took the pilot's hand, 'good to see you too, glad to see you took care of our girl.'

'Tried too,' Joker smirked at Shepard who frowned back.

'I'm sure it wasn't easy,' Anderson laughed before turning to Garrus. 'Good to see you too, Garrus, glad she had someone she could trust watching her back.'

'Happy to do it,' Garrus took his offered hand.

'Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega, he will be your shadow until all this is resolved.' Anderson indicated the burly marine standing behind him. He took two parcels from the man's hands as he stepped forward.

'Commander,' James saluted and looked down in surprise as she chuckled and held out her hand.

'Welcome aboard Lieutenant,' she gripped his uncertain hand and Joker hid his smile as the beefcake of a man blushed. The cuts and bruises on the man's face were recent and Joker wondered if he should be concerned. 'A bodyguard, Anderson?'

'You've pissed off some bad people Shepard, so let me make sure you're looked after when you're vulnerable.' He was relieved to get no argument and so was Joker. 'So, is everything going as planned?' Anderson looked to Joker who nodded and almost laughed at the puzzled look on Shepard's face. 'All right, then these are for you two,' he handed a parcel to Joker and one to Shepard. 'How about you show me your ship and introduce me to the crew.'

'Don't you want me to hand her over?' Shepard sounded and looked baffled.

'No, you can bring her in to the Citadel, she's your ship. We will take care of the formal stuff when we get to Earth. We can talk about what's going to happen later.' Anderson chuckled. 'I trust you Shepard, I would like James to remain though, give him a chance to get to know you.' There was an underlying meaning to his words and Joker and Garrus both laughed at the worried look on the marine's face.

'You make me sound like hard work,' Shepard sighed and shook her head.

'Right, like you're not,' Joker raised his eyebrows at her.

'I'm sure we can help the Lieutenant get to know you,' Garrus added.

Anderson laughed as Shepard glared at both of them, 'come on Shepard, show me your ship.' He took her arm and with a nod to Joker led her away.

Joker watched them leave, relieved that Anderson had managed to make the transition a little easier. If he'd followed protocol Shepard would be confined to quarters with no say on how the ship was run while Anderson or someone else would be in command. It certainly helped that he cared enough about her to ease the pain. With a deep breath Joker turned back to James who looked extremely uncomfortable.

'I'm Joker,' he held out his hand. James took it cautiously, gently shaking it and Joker was taken aback, he'd expected a strong grip and had prepared himself for it.

'I know about you,' James gave him a nervous smile, 'I've followed this ship, well the original anyway, since she was built.' He sounded nervous and Joker chuckled.

'Relax, we don't bite.'

'Much,' Garrus added with the equivalent of a Turian smile, openly showing his teeth. Joker laughed as James blanched.

'Garrus, you're scaring the man,' Joker nudged him.

'He's going to be watching over Shepard,' Garrus shrugged, 'he'd better get used to it.'

'Is she really that bad?' James looked from one to the other, 'I've heard some stories, you know.'

'You're life's about to become a living hell,' Joker managed to keep a straight face as he turned to look at Garrus. 'Sound about right to you?'

'Definitely,' Garrus nodded. 'Nightmare material.'

'Oh shit,' James buried his face in his hands. 'I always thought the stories about her being a hard assed bitch to be wrong.' A smothered laugh made him look up and his brow furrowed. 'Fuck!' He turned red as Joker and Garrus broke into laughter at his expense.

'Oh, man, you should see your face,' Joker chortled.

'Don't worry, James,' Garrus put his hand on the man's shoulder, 'she's a real softie at heart. It's just the bullets and explosions that happen around her you have to watch for. Come on, I'll show you around.' He looked at Joker before walking away, 'let me know when.'

Joker nodded and watched them leave. He looked at the parcel in his hand and reality came down hard. There was good and bad to come. He sent out a message then headed for the crew deck to shower and change, hoping that the good would give them the strength to hold out through the bad.

* * *

Joker paced nervously. He glanced out of the observation room window occasionally but mostly he paced slowly and looked at the floor. He ran his hands down his jacket and hoped he looked presentable. It felt good to be back in dress blues and wearing his Alliance dog tags, it felt like he'd come home. He jumped as the door opened and he turned to see Dr Chakwas and Mordin enter.

'Jeff, you look very handsome,' she walked over and hugged him. 'It's nice to see you back in blue.'

'Thanks doc,' he returned her hug before stepping back. 'Feels good. I just hope it's not short lived and I have to change into prison grey.'

'I doubt that will happen,' she straightened his collar and brushed off his shoulders. 'I'm sure Anderson and Hackett have something organised.'

'Glad you're still here Mordin,' Joker glanced at the Salarian.

'Human mating rituals, interesting, might learn something,' Mordin shrugged. 'Would like to see Shepard happy, more personal, pleasurable.' Joker chuckled and shook his head. 'Besides, still collating data on Collectors for Alliance, need to be here.'

The door opened again and Kasumi walked in, grinning as she looked Joker up and down. 'Well, don't you brush up all right? Always loved men in uniform. And we get to see your eyes out from under that cap.'

'Don't get used to it, it's going straight back on when this is over.' He grinned and accepted her hug. 'Is Garrus okay, everything's under control?'

'Yes, we've got it worked out.' She chuckled and he blew out a breath.

'Sorry, just want this to be perfect,' he shrugged.

'It will be,' Anderson commented as he entered. 'Thanks, Joker.' He took Joker's hand, grinning like the cat that ate the cream.

'What for?'

'For letting me have this honour. You're both special to me as you're aware so being the one to give you this happiness means more than you'll ever know.' Joker noticed his eyes were moist before he looked away.

'Are you inked everywhere?' James was asking as he and Jack entered the room.

'If you're nice I might let you find out,' Jack smirked and Vega blushed. They both stopped suddenly as they realised they weren't alone. 'What?' Jack looked at Joker as he shook his head.

'Thanks for coming, Jack,' Joker chuckled, he knew she wasn't one for mingling with others so it meant something for her to come out of her hidey hole.

'Yeah, whatever, hope you don't mind the hulk joining us.'

'No, he needs to know what's going on,' Joker nodded as the door opened and Jacob joined them.

'Jeff, the Commander is on her way down, Garrus is waiting for her at the elevator.'

'Thanks EDI,' he sucked in a nervous breath as Anderson laughed and placed a hand on his shoulder.

'Okay, let's do this,' Anderson moved to stand before the window, Joker taking up a stance before him, facing the door.

This was it. In the next few minutes his dreams would either come true or be shattered. He heard voices outside the door and he held his breath. His world suddenly became grey as nerves gripped his heart.

'Garrus, what's going on, where are we going?' Shepard was asking as the door opened.

His eyes fell instantly on Shepard. She was wearing her dress blues and the pride in her eyes was obvious, she was stunning and he almost gaped. This was the Commander who had stolen his heart when she walked onto the SR-1. She was also the woman who had willingly given him her heart, who allowed him to see the tender caring person underneath the persona. As her eyes met his she gasped and he saw her grip on Garrus' arm tighten before she smiled and his world exploded with colour.

Slowly Garrus led her towards him as he stepped forward, ready to take her hand in his. He could feel tears burning and he could see the emotion echoed in her eyes. He watched as Garrus pulled her into a hug, sure that even the Turian was misty eyed. Joker accepted her hand from Garrus and was surprised when he found himself held against his hard chestplate before he stepped back with a nod.

'Arelia Shepard,' Joker's throat was tight and he had to clear it, his eyes never leaving hers, his hands holding hers to his chest. 'Will you marry me, right here, right now?'

She shook her head vigorously and Joker was half afraid she was going to break her neck. 'Yes,' she whispered and Joker felt a tear roll down his cheek, glad to see she too was overcome as tears ran from her eyes.

His face felt like it was about to break, his smile couldn't be any wider as he pulled her into a tight embrace before he put her arm through his and they moved to stand before Anderson. His hands were shaking as he turned to face her and he could feel that she was shaking too but the joy in her eyes was mirrored in his. He sucked in a breath as Anderson spoke beside them.

'You have no idea how happy this makes me,' he chuckled before getting serious. 'As an Alliance Admiral I have the power, and in this case, the honour of bringing together two people who are special to me.' He cleared his throat and began the formal part of the ceremony.

Joker heard Anderson's words but his eyes and heart were trapped by Shepard. Her smile, her eyes, the happiness on her face all conspired to hypnotise him and he was surprised when Anderson called his name and he realised he had to say something. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring he'd had hidden there, taking Shepard's hand and gently sliding it onto her finger.

'Ari, you walked into my life and completely floored me. I never expected to feel the love I have for you and never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be loved in return by someone like you. Your eyes pull me in and I want to drown in them, your smile takes my breath away, your love makes me feel like I could take on the world. You might have to help me, creaky legs and all, but with you by my side I could face anything.' There was a chuckle around them as Joker stopped for a breath before sliding the ring all the way and placing her hand against his heart. 'You belong here, in my heart and from this day until the end of forever it's yours, no matter what.' Joker saw the tears building again in her eyes as she sucked in a breath and looked embarrassed until Kasumi stepped up and handed her a ring. Shepard smiled and sighed in relief.

'Jeff, you took me by surprise and I was never more thankful than I am now that some sort of miracle brought me back. I love your eyes, your sense of humour, your snarkiness,' Joker scoffed and she laughed at him. 'I never expected to fall in love with you but I did and I have no regrets. That you love me so completely overwhelms me, makes me feel special.' She slipped the ring onto his finger and pulled his hand into her chest and laughed as he raised his eyebrows at his hand resting on her cleavage. 'My heart is yours, as well as the bits surrounding it,' he laughed along with everyone else. 'I'm yours as long as you want me and I hope it's forever.'

Joker couldn't believe the emotion that overwhelmed him, he thought he'd felt everything there was to feel but once again he was proved wrong. He heard Anderson finalising the ceremony as the world spun around him, as his heart pounded in his chest and tears ran down his cheeks.

'I think you're supposed to kiss me now,' Shepard grinned at him and Joker looked at Anderson in surprise.

He hadn't heard the words that pronounced them man and wife, he missed the bit that told him he could kiss his bride and he felt like an idiot. That didn't stop him from smiling, slowly cupping Shepard's face and kissing her passionately as his hands moved down her arms and around her back. Her arms slid around his neck and he could feel her shaking as she kissed him back. They parted to the sound of clapping and before they knew it they were being hugged and kissed by those they had come to know as friends, family even. Eventually they stood with Anderson who smiled at them happily after hugging them both.

'Thank you, David,' Shepard gave him another hug. 'For the ceremony, the uniforms, for everything.'

'Not my doing,' he indicated Joker who shrugged as Shepard turned to him.

'I know how much you wanted to be back in uniform and I thought you might like to have the ceremony performed by someone you cared about. I'm surprised I didn't let it slip before now,' he wiped his brow in mock relief.

'I love you,' she whispered with teary eyes as she wrapped herself around him and he pulled his wife into his arms.

'Celebration time,' Kasumi announced and they both looked at her in confusion.

'I thought this was supposed to be kept quiet,' Joker frowned at her.

'It is, just us.' She shrugged, 'although do you really think the crew hasn't guessed.' Kasumi laughed at the look of surprise on their faces, 'besides, if Gardner didn't get the chance to make your wedding cake there's a good chance he'd stop washing his hands after fixing the toilets.'

Joker and Shepard groaned together as the door opened and Gardner carried a cake in the shape of the Normandy towards them. Alongside the ship stood a perfect replica of Joker, with cap, and Shepard. They both looked in awe at the detail, but there was no number on it.

'I figured the Normandy, one or two, was the place where you got together so it was fitting.' Gardner seemed embarrassed as Shepard walked over and hugged him.

'Thanks Rupert,' she grinned at him, 'It means a lot.'

'Yeah, it's great,' Joker shook his hand, 'Had no idea you were so talented though.'

'I have my moments,' he shrugged and handed them a knife.

Kasumi was busy handing out what appeared to be champagne as Joker and Shepard happily cut the cake together.


	44. Chapter 44

'What happens when we get to Earth?' Joker asked.

He, Shepard, Anderson and Vega were sitting in the briefing room discussing the plans for handing over the Normandy and Shepard's voluntary surrender to the Alliance. Joker was still on a high from their wedding the day before which was followed by a tiring but very enjoyable night of consummating their marriage. He was amazed at the ring Shepard had found for him, a platinum band with wings carved into the metal, it was beautiful but manly. She was just as happy with the one he'd given her, a white gold ring with two sapphires and a ruby, her favourite stones, laid flat so she could wear it under her armour if she wanted to. In a time honoured tradition they had swapped dog tags so they now had one of each around their necks. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about them being parted but it had to be done.

'Shepard will be put into detention, that's where James comes in.' Anderson indicated the marine who nodded. 'He has full control over security and making sure you're looked after.'

'What about Jeff?' Shepard took his hand and he could tell she was nervous.

'Joker will be questioned obviously, he will be under guard until he's cleared of all Cerberus ties.' Anderson looked at him, 'have you sorted things out with EDI.' Anderson had taken having an AI on board in his stride, having no doubts about trusting her because he trusted Joker and Shepard.

'Yeah, she's agreed to dumb down and only respond to my voice.'

'Good,' Anderson seemed relieved. 'With the cover story Hackett and myself have put in place both of you shouldn't have any problems as far as your time with Cerberus is concerned.' He frowned before continuing, 'what happened with the Batarians is the issue. They're calling for blood, they want Shepard's head on a plate and the Alliance has to be seen to be doing the right thing.'

'They're putting me on trial,' Shepard commented and Anderson nodded. 'How bad can this get?'

He sighed and ran his hands over his face. 'Worst case is they could ask for your execution but it's more likely they'll dishonourably discharge you, we're doing our best to see that doesn't happen. There's a chance you could end up in a civilian prison if that's the case and we lose all control.'

'You can't let that happen!' Joker was suddenly very afraid for Shepard and he felt her grip tighten as she looked at the floor, fighting her own fear.

'Look,' Anderson tried to sound calm but there was obvious tension in his voice, 'we don't plan on things getting that far. We know what's coming and as much as the Council and the Alliance brass want to hide their heads in the sand we're preparing. Hackett is strengthening the fleets with help from those who were at the Battle for the Citadel. The brass might be turning a blind eye but those of us who have seen a Reaper and fought the Collectors are doing what we can. If worst case comes to pass Shepard will be taken care of, is that understood?' He looked at each of them in turn and they all nodded their support.

'What about Vega?' Shepard asked, 'you're asking him to risk his career for me.'

'My choice, Commander,' James didn't give Anderson time to answer. 'I'm happy and proud to do it.'

'What about the Normandy?' Joker needed to focus on something other than Shepard being imprisoned.

'I'm taking her back,' Anderson smiled, 'temporarily at least until Shepard is cleared. I'm making her my mobile command centre and to do that I need the pilot that knows her best at the helm, once she's retro fitted back to Alliance specs of course. Except for the beds, Cerberus certainly knows how to provide comfort.' Joker grinned and Shepard chuckled, Anderson had spent the night in Miranda's old room and he seemed well rested.

'But you're our human Councillor.' Shepard was serious again and she frowned at him.

'My resignation will be forwarded once I get back to the Citadel. I need to be on Earth, to help you.' Anderson held up his hand as she went to object. 'No argument, Udina can have the job he always wanted. Besides, politics are a pain in the ass and I should shoot you for putting me in the position.'

Joker chuckled as Shepard grimaced at the thought of Udina in charge. She hated the man, hence putting Anderson in the position. Personally he was glad Anderson was going to be on Earth. They needed someone they could trust implicitly on the inside and Hackett had to remain at Arcturus to manage the fleets. He felt some measure of relief that the Normandy would stay in friendly hands and that he wouldn't be forced off her. As bad as things might get he was confident that with Anderson, Hackett and others on their side they had a good chance of coming out of this alive and together. All he had to do now was deal with their forced separation. He'd helped take down a Reaper, flown through the Omega 4 relay and into the galactic core but being parted from Shepard, from his wife, was the most terrifying thing he'd ever had to face.

'I'm not going to sugar coat this,' Anderson sighed, 'there are some tough times ahead and it definitely won't be easy. Hell, we'll probably be banging our heads against a brick wall when it comes to convincing the Defence Council about the Reapers. We have people on the inside, feeding information as it becomes available, making sure the information you've brought back gets to the right people.' He glanced from Shepard to Joker and back again. 'I don't know how long this will take. Shit!' He stood up angrily and paced, 'this is all wrong. You should be out there getting ready. We don't know how long we have and to have you tied up with bureaucratic red tape is fucked up.'

'I tried to tell her,' Joker chuckled, 'we should have gone rogue.'

'We need the Alliance behind us,' Shepard slapped him on the arm and he made a show of feigning pain.

'You know if it was up to me and Hackett we'd have you out there with a fleet, damn, we'd give you a medal and promote you.' Anderson sat down heavily. 'The idiot brass have their heads so far up their own asses they have no idea what's happening outside.

'Tell us what you really think,' Joker laughed and Anderson chuckled as James gaped at him.

'Sorry, it's just wrong,' he shrugged.

'We'll get through this,' Shepard reached for his hand and he met her eyes. 'We have to, humanity is at stake and if it takes me being imprisoned for a while then that's what we have to do.'

'Yeah, I know you're right,' he gave her a smile that didn't reach his eyes and Joker knew he was worried for her.

'Vega, why are you doing this,' Shepard stared at the marine who although he didn't flinch under her commander gaze still looked a little in awe.

'I've seen first hand what the Collectors did,' he looked at the floor and Joker guessed there was pain there. 'You were right about them so I have no doubt you're right about the Reapers. Besides, I get to spend every day with the great Commander Shepard, why wouldn't I.'

Shepard groaned and Joker laughed. He guessed he was going to like Lieutenant James Vega and he was glad Shepard had someone watching her back when those she was close to couldn't. Anderson handed them both a datapad and Joker's eyes widened as he read the files.

'You need to get your stories straight.' Anderson was deadly serious now and Joker saw the same commanding presence that he felt around Shepard when she was in Commander mode. 'You have to stand up under interrogation so memorise these files and then wipe them, destroy the datapads.'

'You've got me working for spec ops,' Joker looked at him as the idea hit home. 'Why would they pick me for that?'

'Because you're the best pilot in the Alliance fleet and outspoken enough to be believable.' Shepard spoke before Anderson could. 'What happened after the SR-1 went down put you in the perfect position to be recruited. It's called using your best assets to achieve the smartest results, basic N training.'

'Exactly,' Anderson nodded, 'getting someone on the inside with Cerberus was a coup. With the data and the ship you've brought back you've fulfilled the mission brief successfully. That's how it will appear on record.'

'That doesn't explain Shepard coming back from the dead,' Joker reached for her hand and held it tight.

'As far as everyone except myself and Hackett are concerned you were both undercover on a mission infiltrating Cerberus. Damn, Shepard, we had to pull out the rule book on this to get you reinstated, we've never had anyone come back from the dead before so it wasn't easy. You were KIA, the genetic samples and scans Chakwas sent have verified that you are you, which allowed us to re-open your files and give you back your rank. It doesn't seem enough but it was our only way round it. Only those with the highest clearance will ever know the truth,' Anderson frowned, 'other than those you sent the Lazarus files to. You know you gave Alenko nightmares and made him feel guilty.'

'Fairs, fair,' Shepard shrugged and Joker chuckled. 'What about my crew?'

'They will all be questioned, they have to expect that. The fact that they've stayed on board goes in their favour and your reports have shown that they can be trusted. Those who were previously Alliance and want to reinstate their enlistment can do so once they're cleared. Anyone who isn't Alliance or wants to leave will be free to go on the understanding that they will be flagged at security stations until this is over.'

'There are some good people on board, Anderson, I promised them they'd be looked after.' Shepard reminded him, 'I can get the Shadow Broker to look after them if you can't.'

'I'll keep that in mind.' He nodded. 'All right,' Anderson stood up and they followed him. 'I need to get back to the Citadel and take care of a few things. I'll see you there in a few days when your repairs are completed.'

'Thanks, Anderson,' Shepard hugged him and Joker could see the pain on both their faces.

'Thank you, Shepard, for not giving up on humanity,' Anderson smiled at her before turning to Joker and offering his hand. 'Make sure you look after her.'

'You have doubts?' Joker raised his eyebrows and Anderson rolled his eyes.

'And remember, your marriage is not to become common knowledge, at least not yet.' With a shake of Vega's hand he led the way to the airlock where another round of goodbyes took place and then he was gone.

* * *

'Looks good Gabby,' Joker checked his readouts as they carried out final testing on the electrical repairs. 'Everything's green.'

'Good, then that's it, she's as good as she can be for now.'

'I'll let Shepard know,' Joker closed the com and leaned back in his chair.

He hated the idea of heading back to Earth, of Shepard being arrested but he knew no amount of persuasion would alter her course. He knew she was right but that didn't make it any easier. There were so many questions running through his head. What happens if they give her the death sentence? What happens if Anderson's plans fail? What if they couldn't save her? What if the Reapers arrive while she's in detention? _Aghh!_ Too many questions without answers.

'Jeff, are you all right?' EDI popped up alongside him, 'your biometric readings indicate high levels of stress.'

'I'm fine, EDI, just frustrated.'

'Jeff, can I ask you a question?'

'Sure EDI,' he glanced at her orb.

'Why is Shepard surrendering to the Alliance? They have ignored her warnings and plan to detain her so why would she willingly accept that?'

'Because there's a damn war coming and we need the Alliance, even though they've buried their fucking heads in the sand.' He heard the anger in his voice and forced himself to calm down. 'Shepard knows that we can't beat the Reapers alone, we're going to need not just the Alliance but every other race as well. If she goes rogue she won't get the support she needs, the Reapers will destroy everything, and she can't accept that.'

'You are not happy with her decision?'

'No, yes, it's complicated. I'm not happy with being separated, with her being somewhere I can't save her. I know she's right but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.'

'Not happy about what?'

Joker spun to face Shepard who was smiling at him from the doorway. _God, she looks sexy in blue!_ He loved her in anything, or nothing, especially nothing, but Alliance blue was where she belonged and it reminded him of the very first time he'd seen her and lost his heart.

'Not happy about being separated from you, Mrs Moreau.'

'Joker,' she frowned at him.

'Yeah, yeah, I know, you're still Shepard until we can make it public but I like the sound of it and we're alone right now.' He stood up and leaned against the wall, dragging her towards him. 'I guess I'll just have to go back to fantasising about you in the shower.' He leant down and kissed her neck as she moulded herself to him.

'You fantasised about me in the shower?' She sucked in a breath as his lips ducked below the collar of her shirt.

'Oh yeah, many times,' he grinned as he nipped playfully at her collar bone. 'Those were some of the best showers I had.'

'Maybe you should record one so I have something to watch while I'm away,' she whispered as her hands carded his hair.

'Ooh, kinky. Didn't know you were a voyeur.'

'I've been hanging around you too long,' she giggled, 'but I only want to watch you.'

'Only if you return the favour.' He pulled back and cupped her face, 'I am so going to miss you.'

'I don't do shower fantasies, only bed fantasies. And I'm going to miss you too.' She leaned forward and kissed him and he had to control the urge to carry things past the point of no return.

He drew back and raised his eyebrows at her. 'Really! You had bed fantasies about me?'

'Oh, yeah, best night's sleep I've ever had after.' She laughed at the look of surprise on his face. 'You think only males do those sorts of things.'

'No, it's just …. Well the idea of you fantasising about me, it's sexy and you have no idea how much of a turn on that is.' His voice was husky and low and she shivered against him.

'Oh, I think I can imagine,' she rubbed herself against his growing erection and he groaned.

'Damn it Ari, if we don't stop right now the crew might see things they shouldn't.' He moaned as she stepped away with a laugh.

'Okay, back to business then Flight Lieutenant,' she tried to sound serious but the playful glint in her eye gave her away.

'Yes, Commander,' Joker grinned and swatted her on the backside as he moved past her, laughing as she yelped in surprise. 'Repairs are complete, we're good to go,' he reported as he slipped back into his chair.

'Better make sure everyone who's staying is back is on board and set course for the Citadel then.' All sense of fun was gone as she rested her hand on the back of his seat. 'Time to face the music.'


	45. Chapter 45

Two hours. In two hours they would be at the Citadel. Joker couldn't stop the nerves and trepidation that ate at him. Things were about to change and not for the better as far as he was concerned. Anderson would be taking over the ship for the trip to Earth and while Shepard wouldn't be in the brig he knew she would find it hard not being in command. They'd both become used to not having to ask for permission to do something, to go somewhere and that was probably going to be the biggest adjustment, having to fall back into line with Alliance protocol.

He wondered what that would mean for them once their marriage became public knowledge. Usually the Alliance didn't let couples serve on the same ship, something about if one ship went down then at least the other would survive. What if the other one didn't want to survive? He didn't think it would apply to him and Shepard, at least he hoped it wouldn't. He couldn't imagine being on a ship without her, he couldn't imagine both of them not being on the Normandy.

'Hey, man,' James walked onto the bridge and slipped into the co-pilot's chair.

Joker glanced over at him, he looked lost, 'Hey, Vega, looking for something to do?'

'Nah, I just feel out of place,' he sighed and gazed out at the stars. 'I'm not needed to guard Shepard on the ship and the crew just ignore me.'

'You can't blame them for feeling uncomfortable around you,' Joker chuckled, 'you're here to take Shepard away and you represent their uncertain future.'

'Way to make me feel better,' he groaned and Joker laughed.

'At least you don't look like you've been through a meat grinder anymore.'

'Yeah, doc fixed me up, does she always lecture her patients while she's working. She's almost as bad as my abuela.' He shook his head and chuckled.

'Your what?'

'My abuela, grandmother, she used to lecture me for everything.'

Joker laughed, 'yeah, doc likes to do that too. How'd you end up in that state anyway?'

'Met some Batarians who didn't like Shepard so I tried to change their mind,' he shrugged as Joker stared at him. 'They didn't appreciate the vid screen I used as a weapon.'

'Really, a vid screen, that would have been interesting to watch. You were defending Shepard before you even met her?'

'Why wouldn't I, she's a hero man, the shit she's done,' there was genuine respect in his voice and Joker was relieved James was the one who would be watching her back, he had a good feeling about him. 'And you too, you've been there from the beginning. You must have some great stories to tell, Sovereign, the Collectors, the galactic core. That's gotta look good on the resume.'

'Yeah, there have been some moments,' Joker grinned. 'Did you hear about the time I pulled her and the team out of a volcano?' He laughed at the wide eyed stare, 'then there was the time I dropped the Mako in a twenty metre space and Shepard took it through a mass relay. The Omega 4 relay had to be a highlight though, have you seen the vids?' James shook his head so Joker brought up the screen and Vega watched in awe as the Normandy flew through the debris field. As much as it reminded Joker that they'd come close to losing Shepard, again, he would never get tired of watching it.

'Why can't I get missions like that?' Vega cursed. 'I'd be happy to get any of the missions you guys did on the SR-1, never mind the more recent ones. Shit, it must have been hard to watch the Normandy go down, to watch her die.'

Joker couldn't stop the guilt that washed over him, as much as he tried to push it aside it still haunted him. The thought that he might never have had the opportunity to love her, to marry her, to have her love him back was painful and he felt it just as if someone had stabbed him with a knife. Yet now he was about to be separated from her again. The knife twisted and he sucked in a breath.

'Sorry,' James looked at him in concern, 'didn't mean to drag up bad memories.'

'I killed her you know,' he fought to stop the tremble in his voice. 'If she hadn't had to come back for me she would have lived.'

'Not what I hear,' James waited until Joker looked at him before continuing. 'I hear you gave the crew time to escape, that you saved their lives. Besides, she's alive now and you are the luckiest bastard alive.' He stood up and clapped Joker on the shoulder gently.

'Yep, that's me,' Joker grinned.

'Damn right, so don't be an idiot and appreciate what you've got,' he smirked and Joker's eyes narrowed in suspicion. 'If you can't I'm willing to do it for you, I will be spending a lot of time with her.'

Joker gaped at him, not knowing if he was serious or not and Vega laughed, 'don't worry pendejo, she only has eyes for you, anyone can see that.'

'Thanks, Vega,' Joker chuckled. 'I'm glad they've got you looking after her. How'd you end up with that job anyway?'

'Anderson found me and pulled me out of a bad spot then asked me to help him, but I would have volunteered even without that. Don't worry, I'll watch over her for you and I'm looking forward to hearing more war stories from you or her. Doesn't mean I won't flirt with her though,' he threw over his shoulder as he walked away.

Joker just shook his head and snorted a laugh. Shepard might need the distraction that was James Vega in the weeks ahead and as much as he hated the thought of another man watching over his wife, flirting with her, he didn't feel threatened by him. He had a strong feeling that James Vega was going to become a friend to both of them.

* * *

Once again things hadn't gone to plan, he was starting to wonder if they ever would. Joker watched from the bed as Shepard paced the small space in their cabin and he couldn't help the chuckle that escaped.

'What?' She turned towards him with a frown.

'Wearing a hole in the carpet won't help,' he stood up, placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her in towards him. She hesitated but eventually relented and leant against his chest.

'I know, I was just prepared for what would happen and now I have to wait,'

'It's only two days, Anderson said it shouldn't be any longer than that. Wouldn't you rather wait and have Anderson take you in, especially as we're meeting Hackett as well before we reach Earth.'

He kissed the top of her head, he hated the wait as much as she did, simply because they'd both prepared themselves for something different, but if it meant they could spend more time together he would take it. In fact, he was glad that Anderson had been held up with paperwork and meetings for two days. He was in no hurry to get to Earth because that meant he would have to say goodbye and he didn't want to face that pain any sooner than he had to.

'Of course, it's just frustrating, although,' she raised her face to his, her eyes sparkling with desire, 'I can think of fun ways to pass the time. We are docked so you don't have to be at the helm.'

'Mrs Moreau, you have a one track mind.'

'I learned from the best,' she whispered as he claimed her lips.

Joker felt her hands as she slipped inside his shirt, her touch sent shivers through him and he felt her grin against his lips. Not to be outdone he slipped his hands inside her shirt and unclipped her bra before running his fingers lightly across her breast and he was rewarded with a sudden intake of breath and a hard nipple. Her tongue found his as his hands worked their way down her body. Her hand slipped around his hip and inside his pants where she found his hardened erection waiting for her.

'Hmmm,' she hummed as she pulled back, 'what are we going to do with that?' She trailed kisses down his neck.

'I'm sure we can think of something,' he sucked in a breath as she tightened her hold on him.

Joker groaned and she growled as her omnitool beeped. 'Ignore it,' he pleaded but she grinned and stepped back.

'Might be important,' she laughed at the look of frustration on his face as she read the message. 'Looks like we're going out.'

'What now!' He stammered as she moved towards him, kissed him and ran her hand across the front of his pants, lingering for just a moment on his hardness before stepping away. 'Ari, really!'

'Hold that thought,' she smiled at him as she fastened her bra, 'we'll get back to it.'

'Ahh! You're killing me woman!' Joker ran his hands through his hair, determined to make her pay later for torturing him. 'Don't think I won't remember it.' He picked up his cap and watched as she ran a brush through her hair only to have it fly away wildly as soon as she stopped and he chuckled at her frustration. 'Where are we going?'

'Anderson wants us to meet him for lunch,' she opened her omnitool. 'James, Garrus, we're going out, airlock in five.' She turned back to Joker and ran her fingers through his beard and across his lips before kissing him lightly. 'You can make me pay when we get back,' she whispered softly and he groaned.

'Don't think I won't,' he turned her towards the door and slapped her on the behind. 'You have no idea how much you'll pay for this.'

'Oh, I think I might,' she smouldered as they left the room.

'We'd better leave before I push you up against the wall,' he shook his head as she raised her eyebrows at the thought and followed her into the elevator, glad he'd decided to wear loose fatigues and not the more fitted uniform trousers.

Shepard stepped out of the elevator with Joker behind her, his thoughts distracted by the sway of her ass in front of him. Ideas about how he could make her suffer as much as he was were running around in his mind, which really wasn't helping to reduce the bulge in his pants. He was so distracted he almost crashed into her when she stopped at the airlock. A laugh made him look up.

'It'll be good to get of the ship for a while,' James was eager to get going.

'For some of us,' Joker muttered.

'Did we interrupt something?' Garrus would have snickered if he could.

'Not you,' Joker scoffed as Shepard grinned and took his hand, entwining her fingers with his. 'Let's go, the sooner we get this over with the quicker we can get back.'

Garrus took point and James fell in behind Joker and Shepard as they left the dock and mingled with the midday crowds. Joker was suddenly alert as he realised that they were out in the open and he had a strong feeling that something wasn't right. Garrus and James were armoured and armed, nothing unusual for Garrus, he never went anywhere without armour or a weapon. But Shepard wasn't. They were an easy target, surely he wasn't the only one to think that. He couldn't be the only one to remember that Cerberus and the Batarians wanted Shepard, and he was pretty positive the Batarians wanted her dead. He couldn't be the only one thinking that way, it wasn't his job, he was a pilot, it was routine for marines to think like that so they had to be aware.

He glanced at Shepard who was scanning the crowd, watching, but for her it was purely instinct. Over his shoulder he felt James close the gap between them and guessed that he too was alert and watchful. Garrus was parting the crowds without getting too far in front, his head constantly moving, he had the advantage of height to give him a better view. Shepard squeezed his hand as if she knew what he was thinking and he felt a little relieved. So he wasn't the only one aware of the position they were in.

Eventually they reached the Presidium Commons where Anderson had asked them to meet him. Garrus pointed out one of his old haunts to Shepard, a small café that had a clear view of most of the ward if you sat in the right place, they could see Anderson waving at them from the very café Garrus had pointed out. They reached the table quickly, as if they were eager to be somewhere a little less exposed.

Joker was just starting to relax, thinking that his worries had been for nothing. He turned to face Shepard, stepping closer as he opened his mouth to speak when something hit him in the back and propelled him forward. He stumbled into Shepard who looked at him in surprise and he was searching for a smart comment but his thoughts were cloudy, his concentration wavered. He thought it strange that he couldn't form his words and his chest was on fire.

'Jeff! No! No …..' He saw Shepard's eyes open in what looked like panic but that couldn't be right, Shepard didn't panic.

Her mouth was moving but all he could hear was a thunderous roar. Garrus was silently yelling into his communicator, gun raised and his mandibles flaring and James was reaching for him. _Why was he leaning like that?_ He felt Shepard's hand on his chest and he realised she was trying to hold him up. He looked down, it was red, his shirt was red, it was supposed to be blue. His vision blurred and the world flipped upside down. He wondered if someone had turned off the lights and gravity as he fell into darkness. His last coherent thought was that he wouldn't get to make Shepard pay.


	46. Chapter 46

A/N: Sorry guys, had planned to get this up sooner, didn't want to leave you hanging too long, but rebuilding a PC and Easter got in the way. Anyway, hope it was worth the wait.

* * *

Joker heard voices. Maybe he'd finally cracked, gone off the deep end. They were muffled, like he was listening to them underwater. He sensed that he was moving, fast. There was pain, lots of pain. His chest was burning and he couldn't breathe. He panicked and tried to move but something held him down. His hands didn't want to work, he couldn't feel his feet. A memory surfaced. Shepard, blood, falling. He tried to turn his head and a voice whispered in his ear, he knew that voice, he loved that voice. He felt something sharp, darkness rushed in but as much as he tried to push it away it beat him.

* * *

'Cerberus! Fucking Cerberus, it had to be!' Heavy footfalls echoed around the medbay as she paced.

'You don't know that for sure, Shepard.' Garrus was seriously worried. He'd never seen Shepard so angry.

'Don't I? The Insane Idiot wants his ship back, he wants control back.'

'Spirits Shepard! Think about this. Why would he want you dead? He paid billions of credits to bring you back because he believed you to be the only hope for the galaxy. Why would he want to kill you now?'

'I don't know, Garrus,' there was a long drawn out sigh and she placed her hands on the edge of the bed as if she needed it's support. 'Polonium, they used polonium rounds.'

'Guess they wanted to make sure if a bullet to the heart didn't get you the poison would.'

'I can't lose him, Garrus,' there was a tremor in her voice and a sob escaped as he walked over and pulled her against his chest. 'He has to live, I need him or I have nothing to fight for.'

'He'll pull through,' Garrus hoped he sounded convincing and he hoped he was right.

He'd seen Shepard deal with wounded soldiers on the battlefield without hesitation but he'd only ever seen her scared once before and that was when Joker had left. Joker had to pull through or Shepard might just lose her sanity. He knew what Joker had gone through when Shepard died and he'd hate to see her go through the same thing, they couldn't afford for her to break down, the galaxy needed her.

Whether it was the noises or the fear and despair in Shepard's voice that pulled him back Joker would never really know. He was floating, completely free, flying without the need for a ship and it felt amazing. He was happy to stay in that state until he heard her voice, felt her pain and the need to touch Shepard, to know she was okay, to understand her fear called to the deepest parts of him. Consciousness slowly returned.

The sound of hushed voices dragged him back into wakefulness and he opened his eyes to the dim lights and grey ceiling of the Normandy medbay. There was an invisible weight holding him down, a fuzziness to his thoughts and tiredness. He knew those feelings, he'd spent enough time under anaesthetic to recognise the after effects. He was stiff and sore and felt like he'd gone ten rounds in a boxing ring, not that he'd ever done that to know what it felt like, but he was guessing it would feel something like the pain and dull ache that was his body. It was several moments before his memory caught up with his awareness and he remembered. Blood on his shirt, Shepard holding him up, panic in her eyes. Without thinking he surged forward. Pain made him scream but what came out was hoarse croak.

'Jeff!' Shepard was by his side, gently urging him to lie back. 'You need to stay still, relax.'

He felt the warmth of her trembling hand on his shoulder. Pain lanced through him and he sucked in a breath, it didn't help, in fact it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. He tried to swallow but his throat was tight and dry.

'Here,' Shepard lifted a glass to his lips and water had never tasted so good. 'Please, lie still. You've had surgery to repair your chest and you need to give it time to heal, okay.' She held his hand gently.

He nodded and used what little strength he had to grip her fingers. He managed to focus on her face and he could see tear tracks running through the dark bags under her eyes. Even as he watched her tears formed and a sob escaped as she gently placed her other hand against his cheek.

'I thought I'd lost you.'

'Payback's a bitch,' he managed a smirk and she laughed through her tears. 'Not gonna happen,' he croaked as the remains of the drugs in his system started to drag him under. 'I love you,' he managed to force out before his eyes closed and darkness once again held him down.

* * *

The next time he opened his eyes it was to find Chakwas fussing over him. As his eyes focused he could see the concern on her face and as she met his gaze there was relief there too.

'You're awake,' she chuckled at stating the obvious.

'Hey, doc,' his throat was still dry and he gladly accepted the drink she offered. 'How long has it been?'

'Four days,' she checked his vitals and smiled. 'All things considered you're doing quite well. More than I can say for the rest of us.' She nodded to the bed alongside him where Shepard lay curled up asleep. 'She refused to leave, got quite angry in fact when I ordered her to rest so I had to sedate her. She probably won't be happy but she needed to sleep.'

'You're a brave person, doc,' he managed a grin and tried to move but winced as his chest tightened.

'You're going to be sore for a few more days. We had to repair the chest wall and drain the chest cavity but the surgery went well and you're healing nicely, we've kept you sedated to help you over the worst of it. Although no broken bones this time. A few millimetres more and it would have hit your heart. You were lucky, Jeff.' She fought back emotion as she removed sensors and drips from his arm. 'If you hadn't stepped in front of Shepard it would have pierced her heart, you saved her life.'

'So lucky all round then,' he chuckled to hide the terror he really felt. Timing, it's all about timing. Why had he chosen that particular moment to move in front of her? What fate had placed them in that spot at that moment? How did the shooter know they would be there? That last question had him frowning.

'Jeff?' Chakwas looked at him worriedly.

'I'm okay, just thinking about how everything fell into place.' He pulled himself further up the bed to relieve the tension on his lower body, ignoring his body's protests. 'How long before I can get up?'

'Whenever you feel strong enough, although you'll still have to take it easy for a few days. You'll probably feel a bit nauseous as well, we had to counteract radioactive toxins so the meds will knock you around a little.' She took his hand and held it gently, 'I'm really glad you're okay, losing you would have …..' She closed her eyes and Joker could see she was holding back tears.

'Hey doc, you've been treating me long enough to know how stubborn I am,' he placed his other hand over hers. 'And like you said, no broken bones this time so I guess you get to yell at me for not taking my meds a little longer.' She groaned and chuckled before releasing her hold and moving away.

'I'll go and organise some food for you.' She paused and looked over her shoulder at him, 'you're going to have a scar, nothing huge but still a scar.'

'Really! A genuine war wound,' he grinned at her and she was laughing as she stepped through the door.

Joker rolled slightly to one side, his eyes coming to rest on Shepard. She looked so peaceful. He had no doubt she'd been angry, or that they would be having words. He'd stepped in front of a bullet that was meant for her and she wouldn't be happy about that. Not that he'd done it deliberately, no one had seen it coming, but he knew he wouldn't hesitate to do it again if it meant saving her life.

'I hear you're awake,' Garrus sounded cheerful as he came through the door and Joker shushed him as he pointed to Shepard. 'How are you feeling?' Garrus spoke quietly as he came to stand beside the bed.

'Like I've been stomped on by an Elcor,' Joker grimaced as he moved. 'What happened?'

'You took a bullet meant for Shepard,' Garrus hesitated and Joker was surprised at the emotion on the Turian's face. 'You saved her life.'

'So I hear and as much as I'm glad I did it wasn't deliberate, although I would have done it anyway.' He glanced over at the woman he loved, 'do we know who it was?'

'No,' Garrus sighed and paced slowly. 'Bailey had C-Sec carry out DNA sweeps of the spot we think the shooter was in but it was pretty clean. The keepers probably got there before we did. Shepard thinks it was Cerberus.'

'You don't?' Joker frowned at the unspoken thoughts.

'No, this seems more personal to me. I've never known Cerberus to use polonium rounds, that's more like something a merc or an individual would use.'

'That's the toxin Chakwas was talking about?'

'Yeah, polonium rounds are illegal but you can still buy them in the wrong places. If you hadn't received treatment fast it would have killed you even if the chest wound didn't.' He leant against the edge of the bed. 'That's why I think this is personal, it would have been an agonising way to die. Besides, it doesn't make sense for the Illusive Man to spend so many credits to bring her back only to kill her.'

'Well she's certainly pissed off a lot of people,' Joker chuckled and settled himself further into the pillows, he was already feeling tired.

'I brought you some food,' Chakwas was saying as she walked through the door. 'You need to eat and then rest,' she frowned at Garrus who held up his hands in surrender.

'I'm leaving,' he chuckled and his hand came to rest on Joker's leg. 'Get better quick, we need you, she needs you.' He looked across at Shepard before leaving them alone.

'Gardner has had chicken soup on standby for when you woke up, apparently it's his mother's recipe,' Chakwas placed a tray on Joker's lap.

'Chicken soup? Where did he get chicken, if it's really chicken?'

Joker eyed the dish suspiciously and took a tentative taste. His eyebrows rose in surprise, it was actually chicken soup and it tasted good. Chakwas laughed and settled herself at her desk as he finished eating. By the time he was done he was struggling to keep his eyes open so with a last glance at his wife he gave in and allowed his body to rest.

* * *

The feel of familiar fingers brushing his face slowly awoke him, aroused him and for a moment there was nothing but pure pleasure. He lay still, if he didn't move it might continue.

'You know, it might get a little hard to explain the sheet lifting,' that familiar voice whispered in his ear.

'I'm having a wet dream, so shoot me.' His eyes shot open in realisation as the fingers stopped moving. 'Oh shit, someone already did that.' He tried to cover but as he met Shepard's eyes he saw the pain there.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him, his other arm lifting slowly around her shoulder, holding her against him. He felt her trembling and cursed himself for letting his mouth run away again. But hey, he was half asleep and she was brushing his face. Belatedly it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't have pulled her into his chest but it was worth a little pain to feel her so close.

'I'm okay,' he kissed her hair and she sucked in a deep breath. 'Sorry, didn't mean to upset you.'

'By being shot, or by being the smart ass I know you are,' he felt her smile and he let out a relieved sigh.

'Both, but you know me, never one to let a chance go by,' he grinned as she lifted her head and looked at him. 'It's why you love me.'

They both turned as the door opened and James stood looking at them both, uncertainty obvious in his downtrodden stance. They watched him take a deep breath before striding into the room, standing at attention at the end of the bed.

'James?' Shepard straightened up but didn't release her hold on Joker's hand.

'Commander,' James was staring at the wall above Joker's bed. 'I want to apologise for not doing my job, for letting you down. I understand if you ask Anderson to replace me.'

Joker couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips, he tried to hide it though. James was embarrassed enough and obviously feeling guilty. He felt Shepard squeeze his fingers and he suddenly felt sorry for James. He watched as she moved to stand beside James, her Commander persona sliding into place.

'What exactly is your job, Lieutenant?' She slowly paced and Joker saw James tense.

'To ensure your safety, to watch your back.'

'Were you watching for threats? Were you aware of your surroundings?'

'Yes, ma'am,' he flicked a glance at Shepard, doubt in his eyes.

'Did you perceive any danger or sense anything out of place?'

'No, ma'am,' he was starting to sound confused.

'Are you psychic or have x-ray vision?' Shepard stopped and looked him in the eye and James glanced from her to Joker.

'I… what …. No?' His stance faltered and Joker couldn't hold in his laughter any longer and James scowled at him.

'Shit, don't make me laugh,' Joker wheezed, 'it hurts.'

'Relax, James,' Shepard chuckled, 'you had no way to know what was going to happen. None of us did. You were as alert and watchful as the rest of us so don't blame yourself.'

James sighed and relaxed. 'Shit, is it always like this around here?'

'Oh no,' Joker shook his head, 'this is a good day, nothing exploded.'

'Hey man, I'm sorry you took a bullet,' James gently placed his hand on Joker's leg.

'Always wanted to be on the ground team, get down and dirty,' Joker shrugged, 'didn't actually expect to get shot though. You guys can have that all to yourself. I'll just stay safely in my chair.' He pulled himself up, pleased to find that his chest didn't hurt quite so much. 'Now help me get out of this bed, my ass is going numb.'

Joker placed his feet cautiously on the floor as Shepard held his arm on one side and James was ready to catch him on the other. He was just straightening as the door opened and Anderson and Chakwas walked in. Shepard and James automatically snapped to attention and saluted, leaving Joker gripping the bed to support himself.

'Way to go, just drop the cripple,' he groaned and then laughed at the horrified look on Shepard's face. 'I'm fine.'

'Glad to hear it,' Anderson chuckled as he stopped before them and waved away the formalities. 'We've checked the security footage,' he glanced at Shepard, 'it was Batarians. Three of them. One was watching the Normandy so they knew when you left, one followed you and the other was already in the maintenance catwalks just waiting for an opportunity to strike.'

'See, Garrus was right,' Joker nudged Shepard's shoulder and she frowned at him. 'Not Cerberus.'

'Do we know where they are?' Shepard asked but Anderson shook his head.

'They apparently had a shuttle waiting and left the Citadel immediately after their failed assassination attempt.'

Joker knew that would drive Shepard nuts, the inability to go after those who had hurt him. He slipped his arm around her shoulder, partly to reassure her that he was okay and partly to support himself. She sensed his need and wrapped her arm around his back.

'How are you feeling, Joker?' Chakwas moved forward and ran her omnitool over him. 'Your chest is healing nicely but you'll still feel it for a while.'

'I'm okay, need to get out of bed.'

'Good,' Anderson nodded and looked at each of them in turn. 'The sooner we get to Earth the better I'll feel about Shepard's safety.'

'Sure, why execute her on the Citadel when it can be done on Earth by her own people.' Joker scoffed and Anderson frowned. 'Sorry, just venting.'

'I don't like this either, but at least in detention she won't have Batarians or Cerberus to worry about.'

'No, just dumb ass politicians and brass,' Joker sighed as Shepard's arm tightened around him. 'Okay, I know, shut my mouth.' He pushed himself as upright as he could and looked at Anderson. 'I'll be ready, it doesn't take much to sit in a chair and pilot, for me anyway. Give me a few hours to shower, find my feet and we'll be good to go.'

'Don't push it, Joker,' Anderson's gaze softened and Joker felt a little guilty. 'Earth's not going anywhere.'

No, Joker thought, it wasn't, unfortunately. Anderson nodded and left as Joker took his first steps. Shepard helped him and James stood by just in case. Dr Chakwas told him he was good to go if he preferred to rest in their cabin as long as he didn't overdo it. Getting into their bed couldn't come fast enough and as he lay resting on Shepard's chest, wrapped in her arms he became a little selfish. Earth and their uncertain future could wait a bit longer.


	47. Chapter 47

Joker sat on their bed, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped, staring at the floor. This was it, time was up. He'd managed to get them a couple of extra days while he healed but one hour ago they had passed through the Charon relay and were in orbit around Jupiter. They were waiting for Hackett to arrive, once he did Shepard would be taken to Earth on his ship. She wasn't allowed to travel with the Normandy, with him, any further.

'Damn it!'

Joker looked up as a clatter broke the thick silence around them. Shepard was standing at the top of the stairs, her toiletries scattered on the floor at her feet. Even from here he could see she was shaking and the fear on her face broke his heart. In a single heartbeat he was up and pulling her into his arms, holding her close, burying his face in her neck as he tried to fight back his tears. She was trembling and as her arms wrapped around him and pulled him in tight he realised she was crying into his shoulder. How were they supposed to do this? How were they supposed to walk away from each other? How did they stop their hearts from breaking?

It had been hard enough on the Citadel. The misfits that were their team had left them along with most other crew members, heading out to do their own preparing for what was coming. Anderson had suggested that they not accompany the Normandy to Earth to avoid any misunderstandings or mistakes. Because some of them weren't human they had no legal standing in a human court of law. All of them had made statements in Shepard's defence and Anderson had promised that they would be heard. For those who wanted to rejoin the Alliance the necessary steps had been taken. Joker and Shepard had found comfort in each other's arms, cried together for the family they'd had to leave behind. Where would they find comfort now? Joker's grip tightened and he felt the heat of tears on his cheek.

'I can't do this,' her voice was muffled. 'I can't leave you. I can't face them. How …..?' Her words vanished into her sobs.

Joker closed his eyes against the pain, he couldn't hold her any tighter. The tightness in his chest had nothing to do with his injuries, the fear in his heart gripped hard and he struggled to breathe. But he needed to be strong, for her, for himself. If he broke down now it would destroy her, she would lose the will to see this through.

'I will be waiting for you, as long as it takes. You can do this, Ari,' he hoped he sounded more confident than he felt as he pulled back and met her teary eyes. 'You've taken down a Reaper, and the Collectors, you can definitely face down the Alliance brass.'

'I should have listened to you,' she sniffled

'And of course you wait until the last minute and now you want to go pirate!' Joker did what he always did, deflected pain with humour, although there was no mirth in his heart. 'We can still do it if you really want to, throw Anderson in a shuttle and run away.'

'You would do that?'

'I would do anything if it meant we were together,' Joker cupped her face in his hands, brushing away tears with his thumbs. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and he swallowed hard as the love in them overwhelmed him. He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, tasting the salt of her tears, wanting so much more, needing more. 'I love you, Ari,' he whispered against her lips as he slowly pulled away.

'I love you too,' she said softly as her hand came to rest on his cheek. 'I'm sorry, I've never had to leave my husband behind before, I've never had to face these emotions.'

'Then we're both separation virgins,' Joker grinned and she chuckled. 'Just know that I'm not going anywhere, if the Reapers arrive I will find you, if the brass tosses you in a cell I will visit you, they have to give us conjugal visits after all, once they know we're married.' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed. 'You are so much a part of me I can't live without you.' He found her lips again and kissed her with all the love in his heart.

'Commander,' EDI spoke softly, almost reverently, 'I am sorry to interrupt but Admiral Hackett's ship is requesting docking permission.'

'I'm on my way, EDI,' Joker placed a soft kiss on her lips, took a deep breath and left the room. It was tearing him apart inside and every step dragged him further away from happiness and closer to despair. As much as he tried to be strong inside he was close to breaking and he didn't want her to see that.

'Joker?' Anderson was waiting on the bridge, his brow furrowed and concern in his eyes.

Joker couldn't bring himself to speak, he was afraid of what he might say, so he simply shook his head and slipped into his seat. He felt Anderson's hand on his shoulder as he commenced the docking procedure.

'You know this is the only option,' Anderson's voice was soft, caring and Joker knew this was hurting him as much as them but he found it hard not to blame the man who was about to take away the woman he loved. 'If she hadn't come willingly the Alliance would have ordered her capture. It's better this than having some maverick officer wanting to make a name for himself shoot her down.'

'Better for who?' Joker couldn't hide the venom in his voice and he felt Anderson flinch.

'I'll take care of her, Joker,' the hand disappeared from his shoulder as the docking tube between the ships clunked into place.

'I know, it's just hard.' Joker heard Anderson sigh softly as the decontamination process began. 'She's not going to handle being locked up, you know that.'

'I know, I'll do my best to make sure she's occupied.' Anderson gave him a final pat on the shoulder before turning to face Admiral Hackett as the airlock opened.

* * *

Joker shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. Jacob stood beside him, the only member of the team to stay, willing to face the music for Shepard. There was a good chance he would be imprisoned but again Anderson had vouched for his safety. Standing beside Jacob, Hadley fidgeted nervously, he too had opted to stay. On his other side Chakwas grasped his hand gently, her eyes moist as she looked up at him. Joker didn't know how to thank them for their support and friendship, how did you thank someone for risking their freedom, possibly their futures. All he knew right then was that he was grateful they were there.

Thirty minutes earlier he'd been in the briefing room with Shepard, the two admirals and Vega, once more going over what was going to happen. Hackett informed them that an Alliance officer would be coming on board along with a handful of selected people to help get the Normandy to Earth. Joker had wanted to tell them he didn't need their help, he was more than capable of flying the ship but Shepard had gently grabbed his hand so he stayed quiet. He was already starting to hate Alliance protocol.

Now the four of them were waiting for Shepard, waiting to say goodbye and it was killing him. Until now he'd believed he could watch her walk away, now he wasn't so sure. Footsteps drew his eyes towards the CIC and he watched as James approached, carrying Shepard's bag. The marine stopped before Joker and held out his hand, Joker took it willingly, fighting to ignore the finality of what James held in his other hand.

'I'll take good care of her,' James assured him and Joker nodded.

'She'll be a real handful if she gets bored,' Joker managed a smirk. 'She needs to do something physical or she'll go crazy.'

'Anderson has given me permission to set up a training program as long as the brass will allow it. Even prisoners are allowed to exercise.' He grimaced at the word 'prisoner' and Joker knew that Shepard had wormed her way into his heart.

'Thanks, James.' He tried, he really tried hard but no amount of internal head smacking could force him to sound happy. James squeezed his hand in understanding then stepped aside as footsteps announced the arrival of others.

Joker found it hard to lift his eyes from the floor. He was afraid that if he looked at Shepard he would lose it, he would want to grab hold and not let go. Beside him Jacob, Hadley and Vega snapped to attention and saluted as Admiral Hackett approached with Shepard and Anderson in tow. Joker looked up, straight into Shepard's eyes and he choked back a cry as she stumbled. Anderson reached out and steadied her but she seemed not to notice. Her eyes never left Joker's and it was all he could do to not rush forward and take her in his arms. His attention was dragged from Shepard as Hackett stopped before him. Sadness was evident on his face and Joker understood that he wasn't the only one suffering because of this. In reality he already knew others were not happy about this ridiculous, unavoidable situation. All he could hope for was a quick, happy outcome.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau,' Hackett surprised him by holding out his hand but Joker took it cautiously. The use of his rank and title was still strange but the paperwork had been done so it was now official. 'I would personally like to thank you for bringing Shepard home safely, for standing by her side. I've read the reports, seen the footage and heard from others how you kept them alive in what were unknown hostile circumstances. I will be adding a personal commendation to your file regarding your skills, bravery and going above and beyond the call.' Hackett chuckled at the surprise on Joker's face and behind him Shepard beamed with pride, Anderson simply nodded and smiled.

'Thank you, sir,' Joker managed to force out.

'We'll take care of Shepard,' Hackett reassured him, the seriousness in his tone made Joker feel sorry for anyone who dared contradict the aging warrior. With a quick salute Hackett stepped into the airlock.

Joker suddenly found himself face to face with Shepard and his breath caught in his throat. He watched as she thanked Jacob and Hadley for staying on board and for their assistance in taking down the Collectors. He smiled as she hugged Chakwas, the two women fighting back tears, even Anderson had moist eyes. She turned to face him and any thought he had of not holding her for one last time vanished. With a soft cry she willingly fell into the circle of his arms.

'I love you,' he whispered into her hair as he buried his face in her neck.

'I love you,' she replied softly, her breath brushing across his neck sending shivers down his spine.

'I'll be waiting for you,' he pulled back and found her lips, lingering longer than he should have, oblivious to those around them. When he finally came up for air she smiled, nodded and stepped back.

'Joker,' Anderson grabbed his attention. 'You'll need these,' he brought up his omnitool and Joker's came to life as he received information. 'Visitors pass, once you've been debriefed we'll organise visits. I've also given you the frequencies for locked fleet communications, you need to be aware of what's happening, just in case.'

Joker nodded, accepting the information with the seriousness it deserved. He was now privy to upper level communications, Anderson was taking a great risk in giving them to him. He glanced at Hackett who simply nodded. Was this what it was like to be in Spec Ops, to be on the inside? He'd never thought of himself as someone who would be involved in that side of the Alliance but he was discovering that he liked the feeling of being in the know. Right now he needed to be on the inside, to know what was happening. He needed to feel that connection to Shepard.

'We have a request to make of you Mr Taylor,' Anderson's focus had shifted and Joker looked up to see Jacob frowning. 'We'd like you to come with us. Your knowledge of Cerberus security will be extremely advantageous, we know they're not going to stand idly by and let all of this happen. If we can get some idea of how they work we can counteract them.'

Jacob thought about it for a moment then nodded but he turned to Joker. 'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' Joker realised that Jacob was asking out of genuine concern. 'These guys need all the help they can get so go help them.' He managed a soft chuckle as Jacob took his hand and shook it.

'Alright,' Anderson sighed and pulled himself erect, looking every part the Alliance N7 Admiral that he was. 'Let's do this.'

Joker watched as Hackett also pulled on his Admiral persona but it was Shepard that truly amazed him as she lifted her shoulders, sucked in a breath and looked every bit the fierce warrior woman he knew her to be. She gave a quick glance over her shoulder before she followed Hackett across the gangway, her steps solid, her walk strong and forceful. Commander Shepard was in full view and Joker felt sorry for anyone who got in her way.

Unfortunately for him he wasn't quite as strong. As the airlock closed behind her he felt his legs give way and he stumbled backwards into a chair, tears burning his eyes. Chakwas was hurriedly by his side but he waved her away. This wasn't anything she could fix. He was a little ashamed of himself, she had been so strong as she walked towards detention but he was falling apart. She deserved more from him. He pulled in a deep breath and forced himself to his feet.

'I have to go pack my stuff from the Commander's quarters,' he looked to Hadley, 'think you can handle things for a while?'

Hadley nodded and slipped into the pilot's seat as Joker walked towards the CIC. Chakwas walked beside him but he couldn't shake the memory of the last time the ship was this empty. Once again it felt like a ghost ship, it was devoid of life, of warmth. For the second time in his life he hated his ship.


	48. Chapter 48

A/N: Sorry guys, I've been away for the last twelve days and the internet connection I was supposed to have never eventuated. I'm back now so regular scheduling will resume (I hope). Let me know what you think.

* * *

Joker picked up the model of the Normandy SR-1. He smiled as he remembered the fun they'd had putting it together. They'd ended up with glue and paint everywhere as they fought over pieces, both wanting to be the first to get most of it built. He stroked the model gently, it was only a miniature version but there were memories associated with what it stood for. They were good memories, happy ones, now especially he needed to hang on to them.

'Jeff, are you all right,' EDI broke into his thoughts.

'No, not really,' he sighed and placed the model lovingly into the crate he'd been packing alongside the others in Shepard's collection.

'Is there anything you require?'

'No, not unless you can bring Ari back.' He closed the crate and set the lock.

'I am sorry Jeff, but that is beyond my capabilities.'

'I know EDI, I was just thinking out loud.' He picked up his duffel bag and started packing his clothes.

'An Alliance shuttle is requesting permission to dock,' EDI informed him.

'Let them in,' he shrugged in defeat.

He continued to pack his things, in no hurry to meet whoever Anderson had sent to take away his ship. He was in the bathroom gathering his toiletries when the door to the cabin opened. Someone entered the room and he deliberately took his time, not eager to face some unknown person who was going to ask him a lot of questions.

'Joker?'

Joker stopped what he was doing and straightened up. He knew that voice. He wasn't sure if he should be worried or relieved. Slowly he stepped into the doorway and glanced around the corner. The man standing at the door seemed almost as hesitant to meet him and Joker took a little bit of comfort in that. Carefully he stepped out of the bathroom.

'Alenko!' Joker failed to hide the surprise in his voice.

'Hey,' the dark haired biotic stepped further into the room, his eyes glancing around. 'Wow, Cerberus certainly knows how to impress.'

'Yeah, the fish tank's a bit of a worry but …..' Joker stared at him. 'What are you doing here?'

'Anderson thought it might be better to send a familiar face,' Alenko shrugged. 'Adams is down in engineering,' he chuckled and shook his head, 'he couldn't wait to see the core, to see how Cerberus improved on the original.' He moved towards the fish tank and watched the fish for a moment before turning back to Joker. 'Are you okay?'

'Oh yeah, just great. I had to watch my wife being taken away with no idea how long it will be before I can hold her again. I'm about to lose my ship and don't know if I'll ever get her back. The Reapers are coming and no-one wants to listen. Why wouldn't I be okay?' Joker shrugged as his eyes burned with unshed tears. 'I'll have my stuff packed up so you can have the quarters.' He moved towards the bed and angrily shoved the last of his things in his bag.

'That's not necessary,' Kaidan sighed, 'I'm not here to throw you out …. Wait, did you say wife?'

'Yeah,' Joker nodded and looked at Kaidan through narrowed eyes. 'Didn't Anderson tell you anything about us?'

'No,' Kaidan looked at him with raised eyebrows.

'Shit, well I just put my foot in it.' He grinned and shrugged. 'Should I be worried about my bones being broken?'

'No,' Kaidan chuckled and held out his hand. 'Congratulations, I'm happy for you.'

'Really,' it was Joker's turn to raise his eyebrows as he took the offered hand. He and Kaidan had been friends once, maybe they could be again.

'Yeah, as much as I like to dream about it Shepard would never want me, I was too much of a risk.' He stared at the floor for a moment before sucking in a breath and meeting Joker's stare. 'How about you show me this ship of yours.'

'So, I see you've been promoted,' Joker indicated the Major's bars on his collar as they walked towards the elevator. 'You must have done something impressive to move up so fast.'

'I've had my own share of adventures,' he grinned. 'Most of them classified.'

'Well, I'm on the inside now so you're secrets are safe with me,' Joker pushed the button for engineering.

'Yeah, until you want to blackmail me for something,' Kaidan laughed.

'Ouch,' Joker smirked as the elevator doors closed. He was thankful for the distraction, glad to have someone to talk to. It took away the pain, at least for a moment.

* * *

'Alliance Command, docking clamps are engaged, Normandy is powering down. Crew are preparing to disembark then the ship is yours.'

'Roger, Normandy, it's good to have you back.'

'Ah, thanks,' Joker shrugged and frowned at Kaidan who stood by his shoulder.

'It's nice to see you where you belong,' the disembodied voice sounded amused. 'There are some of us who are aware of what's going on.'

'This is Major Alenko, is this channel secure?' Kaidan was frowning now.

'Yes sir,' there was a sudden sharpness to the tone, 'this entire facility is dedicated to the Normandy and her refit. Admiral Hackett hand-picked everyone on duty here.'

'Very well,' Kaidan shook his head as Joker gave him a questioning glance. 'Advise the refit team they are welcome to come aboard.'

'And tell them to leave my seat alone,' Joker instructed.

'Of course, Flight Lieutenant,' the voice was chuckling now. 'We have been told of your specially built leather seat.'

'Good,' Joker nodded and Kaidan jumped in surprise as Joker spun his seat quickly. 'Guess it's time to leave.'

Joker stood up and took a last look around the bridge, it probably wouldn't be the same next time he saw it. If he ever saw it again. He looked towards the CIC, remembering the number of times he'd watched Shepard stand at the Galaxy Map. With a sigh he slowly walked toward the elevator, behind him the airlock began its cycle.

'Take your time, Joker,' Kaidan walked beside him, his hand resting gently on his shoulder. 'Do you need a hand?'

'No, just need to grab my bag, the rest can be stored, it's mostly Shepard's stuff.' He stepped into the elevator, punched the control and watched the CIC disappear as the doors closed.

He stood before the door to the loft, not wanting to enter because it would signal the end of his current tour on the Normandy. It would be the end of something that had been a part of his life for so long. It would mean he had no home. He scoffed at his depressive thoughts. The ship had only been home while Shepard was on it. Now it held nothing but memories. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

* * *

Joker stepped out of the airlock behind Alenko who came to a sudden stop and Joker almost bumped into him.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau, you are under arrest and will be taken into custody.' A fresh faced Lieutenant stood on the dock with two MPs.

'And you are?' Kaidan frowned at the man who glanced at him in surprise.

'Lieutenant Davies, Alliance Intelligence.' His chest puffed up with pride and Joker scoffed.

'Does Alliance Intelligence consider themselves above military protocol?' Kaidan stood at parade rest.

'No, ah … no sir,' he snapped into a salute as he finally recognised the Major's bars on Kaidan's uniform.

'Who gave you orders to arrest the Lieutenant?'

'Major Whittaker, sir.' The young officer was trying to keep control but was quickly becoming flustered.

'What the hell is going on here?' A voice boomed from the dock and Joker and Alenko snapped to attention and saluted. The Intelligence Lieutenant wasn't as quick and turned around to see who else was going to interfere with his task. He quickly changed his mind when he saw the Admiral's bars.

'It appears Alliance Intelligence wants to arrest Joker, sir,' Kaidan dropped the salute at Anderson's acknowledgement.

'On whose orders?' Anderson turned his full N7, Admiral's voice on Davies who seemed lost for words.

'Ah, Major Whittaker, sir,' he glanced around nervously and Joker hid his chuckle behind his hands, as did the MPs.

'You go back and tell Major Whittaker that if he wants to arrest the Lieutenant he'd better come down here and do it himself,' Anderson scowled at Davies. 'You can also tell him that if he does he will have to go through me and I will bust his ass back to corporal and he'll be cleaning latrines for the rest of his military career. You can also tell him I will be investigating how he came to know of the Normandy docking as this was highly classified and Alliance Intelligence was not on the need to know list.'

'Yes, sir!' Davies was doing his best not to run for his life.

'Dismissed!' Anderson waved him away and he dashed along the docks, two chuckling MPs following slowly behind. 'Damn fool intelligence,' Anderson cursed as he came to stand before Joker and Alenko. 'Has the refit team boarded?'

'On their way now,' Kaidan informed him and added with a chuckle, 'Adams is down in engineering and has no plans to leave any time soon.'

Anderson laughed, 'knew he'd be excited. Let's get you settled Joker.' He waited till Joker had moved beside him before turning to Alenko, 'Once the refit team is on board come and see me, I have new orders for you.'

Alenko nodded and watched as Anderson led Joker away from his ship.

* * *

Joker was angry and frustrated. Three weeks, that's how long it had been since he walked off the Normandy. He'd been marched from one interrogation to another and he was feeling it to the point where he'd asked for crutches, his legs were starting to feel the strain. He'd been given clearance to visit Shepard but once again morons stood in his way. He was beginning to wonder if the Alliance had lowered the entrance requirements while he was gone. Two marine lieutenants stood blocking his access to the detention level where Shepard was being held. He would have called for help but his omnitool had been disabled.

'I suggest you let me in to see Shepard,' Joker fought to control his urge to hit the Lieutenant standing in his way. 'I have every right to visit my wife.' His legs were aching and he was so angry he wasn't thinking straight.

'Yeah right, like the so called great Commander Shepard would marry someone like you,' the Lieutenant scoffed and Joker's fists clenched.

'Has everyone in the Alliance suddenly turned into idiots and morons,' Joker stepped forward.

'Watch it cripple, we'll have you arrested,' he grinned at his companion who looked unsure. 'After we've had a little fun.'

'Just try it,' a voice from behind made the two men jump and they spun to face Vega who strode angrily towards them. 'I'll have you on report so fast your head will spin.' He came to a stop before Joker and nodded before facing the two marines. 'Why are you blocking Lieutenant Moreau's access?'

'He tried to tell us he's Shepard's husband,' the louder of the two scoffed. 'Like we'd believe that.'

'Why wouldn't you?'

'As if a hero like Shepard would marry someone like him.'

'Like him?' Vega bristled and the marines looked surprised. 'If it wasn't for him Shepard wouldn't be around to be in detention. If it wasn't for him we'd be under Reaper attack right now. You should both feel damn proud to be breathing the same air as him. He's as much of a hero as Shepard and if I ever hear you treating him like shit again I will have some fun with you, and believe me you won't enjoy it.' Vega was in full protection mode and Joker grinned as the two marines stepped back. 'And just so you know, he is Shepard's husband and he's more of a man than you two will ever be. Now get the fuck out of here, report to Admiral Anderson and tell him how much of an idiot you are.' Vega stepped aside and pointed to the elevator.

For a moment Joker thought the two men were going to argue but the one who had been quiet just shook his head, pushed the other man forward and left without a word. Joker waited until the elevator doors closed behind them before turning to Vega.

'Thanks, Vega, thought I was going to have to fight my way through.'

'EDI sent me a message to let me know you were in trouble, apparently she's hooked into the video feed on this floor.' Vega chuckled, 'I wonder if Anderson and Hackett know just how smart she is.' He motioned for Joker to follow him and slowly led the way to Shepard's room.

'How is she?' Joker was suddenly nervous, he'd waited for this moment but wasn't sure how his visit was going to be received.

'Quiet, depressed.' Vega frowned, concern obvious in his voice. 'She doesn't want to talk to anyone and the Alliance shrinks have been trying to get her to open up.'

'That won't work,' Joker scoffed. 'Don't they realise she's N7, she's trained to withstand all that.'

'Doesn't mean they won't keep trying.' Vega stopped before Shepard's door. 'I think seeing you will be what she needs.'

Joker nodded, placed his crutches against the wall and took a deep breath before opening the door. Shepard was standing before the window and he almost cried at the look of despair on her face as she turned to face him. Without a sound she was in his arms, her lips on his, her tears rolling down her cheeks. He pulled her in tight, soaking in the scent of her hair, the taste of her tears, the warmth of her kiss. It didn't matter that he'd spent three weeks locked in a room being asked the same questions repeatedly or that he filed report after report and then had to verify every report against the mission logs of the Normandy. He didn't think about the nights he'd curled up in his bed, afraid that he'd never be free, that they'd die without ever seeing each other again. He didn't care about the shrinks trying to get into his head, their constant questions that drove him insane or their repeated attempts to get him to blame Shepard for every crime they could concoct. He forgot about the pain in his legs as they held each other up.

She was in his arms, he was kissing her with the same passion she was showing him. Their arms were around each other, their love was strong and would see them through. That was all that mattered and of that he had no doubt.


	49. Chapter 49

Joker lay stretched out on the sofa in Shepard's cell. It wasn't the most comfortable place he'd ever laid but that didn't matter, right now he wouldn't care if he had to lie on a bed of nails. The woman of his dreams was curled up beside him, her head on his chest, her arms wrapped around him and her warm, regular breathing indicating she was asleep. The dark bags under her eyes, the despair on her face and the tremble in her hands all told him she wasn't sleeping. She wasn't coping. He'd lie like this forever if it kept her alive and sane.

Their initial passion had given way to tender embracing. Shepard had cried and so had he, there was no shame or embarrassment on either side, their emotions had simply got the better of them both. They had reassured each other that their love was strong, that they were still there for each other. He'd listened as Shepard told him of her fears and doubts, of her belief that she wouldn't be able to get through this. He'd watched as she became angry at what she believed was betrayal on the part of Anderson. How was she supposed to fight the Reapers? Why was she locked up, not allowed to give her reports, to tell her story? He'd held her tight as she wished they were together, his own want building as she spoke of not sleeping without him by her side. But it wasn't the time or place for anything other than holding and talking.

Now he was just content to lie still with her in his arms and let her get the rest she needed. He was afraid for her, she was heading back into the realm of depression, she'd been there before but he'd been there to pull her out. This time there was no guarantee he would be and the doctors that supposedly knew what they were doing would try to treat her with drugs or therapy. He was afraid she would lose herself, her confidence in her abilities and without the support of those she'd come to trust she might never regain it.

He knew she was a strong person, she was Commander Shepard after all. She'd been through hell and marched proudly and bravely out the other side, give her a mission, something to fight for and she would be fine. Lock her in a cell, take away everything she fought for and believed in, leave her with nothing to do and she'd still come out the other side, but he had his doubts about just how strong she would be afterwards. He knew she'd put on a brave face, be the strong commander everyone needed but inwardly she would doubt herself. It was what she did, he'd seen it after she was brought back, he was just lucky enough to be let in, to be her support.

The door whooshed open and he looked up to see Vega standing sheepishly in the doorway. Joker felt Shepard stir and he cursed Vega's timing.

'Sorry man,' Vega whispered and shrugged. 'Anderson wants to see you.'

'Okay,' Joker nodded and he felt Shepard's arms tighten around him. 'Give me a minute.'

Vega nodded and left. Joker kissed the top of Shepard's head and rubbed his hand gently up and down her back, giving her a moment to wake up properly.

'You have to go,' she sighed but snuggled further into his arms and turned her face towards him.

'Yeah,' he cupped her chin with his free hand and lowered his lips to hers. 'I'm going to do everything I can to see you every day. I'll win them over with my charm and personality.

'Guess I'll see you in six months then,' she scoffed and he scowled.

'Are you saying I'm not charming or lovable?'

'Only to those of us that know you well.' She grinned and he rolled his eyes.

'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah,' she sat up and laced her fingers through his. 'I'll be fine, as long as I know you're okay and waiting for me.'

'Always,' he sat up and wrapped his fingers around hers. 'I have no choice, you've become the air I breathe so I need you to survive.' She groaned and shook her head. 'Too sappy?' He chuckled and was relieved to hear her laugh. 'Seriously, Ari,' he turned so he could meet her eyes and cup her face, 'I love you and I would wait forever if I had to, hopefully it won't take that long.'

'I love you too,' she stroked the side of his face and he leaned in to her touch. 'I'll get through this, it's just another mission, right.'

'Right,' he smiled and kissed her tenderly.

'You need to go,' she pulled him in close and buried her face in his neck.

Joker gave her a final hug before standing and walking to the door. He glanced back as the door opened to see her head bowed, her eyes riveted to her hands as her fingers linked and unlinked nervously. The last thing he wanted to do was leave but he had no choice. Besides, he had a few things he wanted to say to Anderson.

'Is she okay?' Vega asked as Joker gathered his crutches.

'No, she's not.' Joker made his way to the elevator and Vega followed. 'She need something to do, she's a soldier, an N7. Sitting still in a small space will drive her insane. Can you at least get her into the gym?'

'I've put in a request but it hasn't been approved,' Vega shook his head, 'everything takes forever around here.' He watched Joker step into the elevator, 'I'll do my best to take care of her, Joker.'

'I know,' Joker sighed, 'I trust you to look after her, it's her state of mind that worries me.' He saw Vega nod as the doors closed but his guts were churning as concern for his wife overwhelmed him.

* * *

'Joker.'

Anderson waved him to a seat but Joker was too angry to sit. He'd had to leave Shepard, disturb what was probably the best sleep she'd had in days, only to be kept waiting outside Anderson's office for over an hour. As painful as it was he stood before Anderson's desk, if he could have managed it he would have been pacing.

'Are you okay?' Anderson looked up at him from his desk, his brow furrowed and his gaze one of concern.

'No, I'm not fucking okay and neither is Shepard! She was asleep, probably the only decent sleep she's had since we arrived and I had to disturb her because you wanted to see me, then I spend an hour waiting when I could have spent it with her, letting her get more rest.' Joker gave in to his need to pace and slowly worked his way across the room. The fact that he was speaking to a superior officer never entered his mind. 'She's not doing well and those damn shrinks will only make it worse. She'll never open up, she's trained to withstand their questioning but I'm afraid of what it will do to her. She's shutting down and I'm not sure even I could get her to open up again.' His tirade and the pain in his legs left him breathing heavily and he gripped the back of the chair as he passed in front of Anderson's desk. He faced Anderson, his anger dissipating slightly and morphing into concern. 'She trusted you and Hackett but she feels like she's been betrayed. What the hell is going on?'

'Joker, sit down, you're in pain and only making it worse.' Anderson waited until Joker had finally settled in the chair. 'I've taken care of the doctors but I had to make a compromise.' He sighed and Joker knew he wouldn't like what was coming. 'They've limited her visitation rights.'

Joker felt the world fall away beneath him. His eyes focused on a mark on the floor and his heart pounded in his chest. He'd promised her he'd try and see her every day and he wasn't going to be able to keep it. She'd think he'd betrayed her too, her state of mind wouldn't allow her to see it any other way right now. His body was reacting beyond his control, he felt the cold clammy light-headedness of nausea and he fought down the bile that rose in his throat. Darkness clawed at the edges of his mind and the room spun.

'Joker,' a warm hand on his shoulder gave him something to focus on and he grasped for it. 'Should I call a doctor?'

'No,' he croaked and swallowed hard, slowly gathering his senses. 'Just give me a minute.' He leaned forward and dropped his head between his knees, his stomach contents gradually settled and the room came back into focus.

'Are you okay?' Anderson knelt beside him, 'I thought you were going to pass out on me.'

'Yeah,' Joker sat up and took a few deep breaths, gratefully accepting the glass of water Anderson offered. He downed the water, removed his cap and ran his fingers through his hair before replacing his cap and looking at Anderson. 'There's something you should know, something that wasn't in any of the reports.' He sighed and waited until Anderson stood up and leant against his desk. Joker was about to break a confidence and while he knew he could trust Anderson it still pained him to do it. He stared at the floor as he spoke.

'When Shepard was brought back she didn't cope very well, she traveled a slow spiral into depression and despair. It was even worse after her visit to you and topped off by what Alenko said to her on Horizon. She'd lost everything she believed in, everyone who trusted her and she was forced to work for the enemy. Oh, she put on a brave front, she was Commander Shepard, but those of us who were close could see her pain and suffering. She was in a dark place and now she's afraid of that dark.' He looked up to see Anderson standing with his eyes closed and he had no doubt he was fighting his own emotions, he cared for Shepard, she was the daughter he never had and he probably felt a little guilty for not being there when she needed him. 'I don't know if she'll survive this with her soul intact, especially if she has no-one to support her.'

'Joker, I ….' Anderson seemed lost for words and Joker watched him as he walked to the window and looked out. He was deep in thought and Joker felt a sliver of joy at causing him pain but it quickly passed as he saw the anguish on the man's face.

'We have to help her, Anderson,' Joker stood up and moved to stand beside him. 'If we don't we're going to lose the woman we know and love and I don't think either of us will be happy with what's left.'

'We're going to need her in this fight, she's the only one who can lead us, who has the experience.' Anderson glanced at Joker, 'I'll come up with something. Under Alliance regs they can't block her visitation rights forever. They've accepted that she was working for spec ops but right now they're more worried about Batarian retaliation so they want to be seen to be doing something.'

'Typical political bullshit,' Joker scoffed. 'You can start by giving her something physical to do, let her go to the gym. Vega said he'd put in a request but hasn't had any response.'

'I can fix that,' Anderson strode purposefully to his desk and entered a few commands on his terminal. 'Done, she can visit the gym daily at least.'

What about visitors, as her husband do I get access?'

Anderson thought for a moment but his eyes held sadness as he answered, 'if we let it be known you're married it might make things worse, you'd be partners in crime and you'd be isolated too.' Joker moved back to sit down as Anderson continued, 'I've already got clearance for you to work on the Normandy refit, as her pilot you know her best, besides, EDI's been giving the techs some problems. Apparently she's locked them out of a few systems and thwarted any attempts at overrides. She is refusing to respond to any orders, keeps asking for your access code. I've taken the Normandy back, it will act as a mobile command ship when the worst happens but without her being finished she'll be pretty much useless. I'd like to keep EDI alive, I know you and Shepard trust her and that's good enough for me.'

Joker chuckled and had no doubt she was driving the techs insane. But that didn't help with Shepard. His relief at being allowed to return to the Normandy was overshadowed by concern for his wife. He had an idea but it involved lying to her and he knew if she ever found out she'd never forgive him.

'Thanks for that,' he sighed and met Anderson's stare, 'but we still need to help Ari. Can you get her to write reports on how to deal with the Reaper threat, get her to outline what needs to be done, use her knowledge. I know the Defence Council doesn't believe her but she doesn't have to know the order doesn't come from them.' Joker watched as Anderson mulled over the idea. 'She needs something to concentrate on, to make her believe she's helping prepare. Even if it never goes beyond this room it might help her cope.'

'You want me to lie to her?' Anderson frowned and Joker nodded. 'You know there's a good chance she'll see through it.'

'Yeah, but what else can we do?' Joker slouched in the chair, he was tired, exhausted physically and emotionally, but he couldn't rest until he knew something was being done to help Shepard.

'Actually it might not be as much of a lie as we think. I want her advice on how to deal with the threat, I trust her judgement and knowledge and so does Hackett. He'll appreciate any suggestions she might have. The Defence Council doesn't need to know.' A smile slowly broke out on his face and he looked at Joker with new found optimism. 'Don't you need to visit the gym daily for your physiotherapy?'

Joker sucked in a breath, Anderson was risking his position by even suggesting he go against Council orders. That he would do that indicated to Joker just how concerned he was about their girl.

'Yeah, at least an hour a day, Dr Chakwas will have my butt if I don't follow her orders,' Joker grinned and Anderson chuckled. 'She won't be happy that I haven't been allowed to do it for the last three weeks.'

'I'm sure the report she will send to the Alliance doctors will be scathing in regard to their lack of care for your physical needs.' Anderson chuckled and Joker felt some hope for the first time since he'd been locked in his room. 'You'll have to send your schedule to Vega, I'm sure he'll do his best for the welfare of his charge.'

'Ah, that would be great, but no omnitool,' he waved his arm in the air. 'Confiscated, remember.'

'Well you're about to go back to the Normandy and I need to be able to contact you about her readiness,' Anderson reached into a drawer and tossed an omnitool at Joker. 'This has mine, Hackett's and Vega's contact information on it, as well as those codes you'll need. You might want to add a couple more. I know of one person in particular who could be very useful right now, her information network is something we need.'

Joker almost cried at the thought of being back in the loop, of being able to see Shepard, even if they couldn't physically touch just being in the same room was better than nothing. He'd find a way, he had to, Shepard had thought he was joking about her being the air that he breathed, but he wasn't. She was so much a part of him now living without her made him feel like he was suffocating.

'Vega has Shepard's best interests at heart,' Anderson mused and Joker glanced at him curiously. 'If someone sent him a message, say about how much they missed her, I'm sure he'd pass it on.'

'You're asking him to take a risk,' Joker pointed out.

'He already knows the risks and what's at stake,' Anderson reminded him. 'I really don't think that's going to change any time soon.'

Joker nodded and stood up, 'when do I report to the Normandy?'

'Actually your escort is waiting outside to take you to your new quarters, we've given you a room on the lower floor in the visiting officer's quarters.' he chuckled at Joker's frown at the mention of an escort. 'Purely for your own safety, Shepard would kill me if anything happened to you. They'll also pick you up in the morning, 0800, to take you to the Normandy.'

'Are they part of your handpicked people too?' Joker said resignedly.

'Of course,' Anderson chuckled, 'you just might like them.'

Joker took Anderson's offered hand, his heart much lighter than when he entered the room. He was being given limited freedom and he wouldn't actually have to break his promise to Shepard about seeing her every day. It might not have been how he planned it but it was something at least. He was eager to leave, to have some privacy so he could send Vega a message to pass on.

'Take care of yourself, Joker,' Anderson walked to the door with him, 'there are still risks out there and we can't afford to lose you either.'

'Yes, sir,' he nodded and smiled, 'and thank you.'

Anderson nodded as Joker stepped into the foyer of his office. Two female privates stepped forward and introduced themselves and he heard Anderson chuckle at the admiration in their voices. Joker waved for them to lead the way, he had a purpose now, something to look forward to so there was no time to waste.

* * *

**A/N: We never saw what went on during Shepard's incarceration, she was supposedly there for 6 months and being without contact and something to do would probably have driven her mad. I hope my take on this period of time does the story justice.**

**Thanks again to everyone reading and reviewing, you guys make it all worth it.**


	50. Chapter 50

A/N: Wow, chapter 50, I wouldn't have got here without all of you reading and following so thank you so much. I'm filling in gaps here during the time on Earth so it's unknown territory. Hopefully it fits.

Smut warning for this chapter - if you don't want to read it avoid the section in italics. I like to think it's tasteful. So on we go.

* * *

Joker sat in his chair. His eyes stared at the screens as simulations ran on the last round of tweaks on the drive core but he wasn't really seeing them. His thoughts were elsewhere. The last three months had flown by and he'd settled into a daily routine of an hour in the morning at the gym with Shepard, working on the Normandy during the day or writing reports for Anderson to pass on to the Flight Academy, then an hour in the gymnasium's heated pool. The time in the gym had become a lifeline for both of them, they had managed a few stolen kisses, the occasional lingering touch, but their afternoon swims had become extra special after EDI had recorded their sessions then looped the feed to give them some privacy. They'd been the only ones in the pool most days thanks to some organising by Vega but the first time it became their private haven surprised them all.

'_What the….' James chuckled and walked over to where Joker and Shepard sat on the side of the pool, side by side, hands just touching. 'I have something you're going to like.'_

_Joker and Shepard looked at the message on his omnitool from EDI and they both stared up at him in surprise. He laughed at the dumbfounded looks, these were two of his favourite people but they could be idiots sometimes._

'_Hey, Westmoreland,' he called to the Private whose turn it was to look after Joker today and Joker was sure she blushed as he walked towards her. 'This humidity is playing havoc with my sinuses, how about we sit in the foyer.' He led the confused woman from the pool his gaze aimed at a camera as they moved to the door. 'We can lock the door so they can't leave and no-one else can come in.'_

_Joker and Shepard watched him leave in stunned silence. It didn't take long for Joker to take advantage of the opportunity they'd been given and he slipped into the pool. He loved being in the water, it allowed him a freedom of movement that he normally didn't have. With gentle hands he urged Shepard to follow and pulled her against him as they moved to the deeper end of the pool._

'_Make sure you thank EDI when you get back,' Shepard slipped her arms around his neck and allowed him to pull her through the water._

'_Yes ma'am,' he said hoarsely, the feel of her wet, smooth skin against him aroused needs he'd fought to ignore since they'd been separated. He stopped against the wall of the pool, his feet firmly planted in the chest deep water. 'I've missed you,' he whispered and claimed her lips, tenderly at first but passion and need took over and their tongues battled for dominance._

'_I've missed you too,' Shepard whispered as he kissed his way down her neck. 'Oh god! I've so missed that,' she moaned as he cupped her breasts and his thumbs circled her nipples through her swimsuit._

_As thin as it was her swimsuit was an impediment that Joker quickly removed, sliding it down to her waist, following the roll of the fabric across her breasts with his lips. He was rewarded with a moan and her hips instinctively rocking into his. She met his eyes with a sly grin and he groaned as she deliberately rubbed herself against his erection. He could feel the warmth between her thighs through both their swimsuits. He braced himself against the wall as her hands found their way to his suit and rolled it down, freeing him to her touch. He hissed in a breath as her wet hand surrounded him and her lips found his._

'_Ari,' he moaned into her neck as she nibbled on his ear, her hand still gently coaxing him towards an edge he wasn't ready to go over just yet. 'I need to be inside you,' he whispered and heard her gasp._

_She released her hold and wrapped her thighs around him, pushing aside her swimsuit and he felt her wet heat surround him as she sheathed him completely within her. They both moaned in pure pleasure and relief, pausing for a moment to enjoy the feeling of completeness. Joker wrapped his arms around her and used the wall behind him for leverage as he slowly began to move, knowing it wouldn't take long before he tumbled over the edge. Shepard trembled around him and he knew she was close. His lips found hers and he could feel her erect nipples rubbing against his chest as he pulled her even closer. The slight change in position was all it took to send both of them into the realm of pure pleasure, oblivious to the outside world, caught up in the sensations of their bodies responding to each other._

'_Shit!' Joker gasped into her neck as they held each other, slowly coming down from the euphoria they'd created._

'_Yeah,' Shepard chuckled and he felt a lingering tremor of pleasure pass through her resulting in him twitching inside her and she moaned softly._

_Neither wanted to move, the intimacy of their connection was something they didn't want to lose. Joker ran his hands down her back and cupped her backside, sliding his hands under her suit and loving the feel of her bare skin. He held her close as her hands slid down his chest, her fingers running over the definition that had developed further during their time on the ground. She pinched his nipple playfully and he ducked his head down to nip at hers._

'_I love you, Ari,' he moved to her neck and she willingly tilted her head to allow him access._

'_I love you, Jeff,' her voice was husky and Joker shivered, he felt himself harden inside her and he groaned as she moved and tightened around him. She hungrily found his lips and it didn't take long before both of them were struggling to stay upright and catch their breath again. 'I might have to keep you on rations if this is the result,' she gasped._

'_That works both ways, you know,' he nipped her neck playfully and she giggled. 'I'll definitely have to thank EDI.'_

_Reluctantly she moved off him and straightened up her swimsuit. He watched as she moved beside him and dropped her head onto his shoulder, one hand finding his, the other hanging on to his arm. God he missed having her by his side, having her with him. How much longer was this going to go on? Eventually they climbed out of the pool and dressed, allowing themselves a last lingering kiss before knocking on the door to let James know they were ready to leave._

'Jeff,' EDI brought him out of his memories. 'There is something you should see.'

Joker took a deep breath and pulled his eyes to the screen EDI opened up. His attention was quickly grabbed by the headline that ran across the screen.

"From Hero to Villian, Commander Shepard's fall from grace."

'What is this, EDI?' He sat up in his chair.

'This is a video feed from an unknown source,' EDI was quiet for a moment, 'I am attempting to trace it.'

Joker watched in horror as someone, supposedly Shepard, shot down civilians in cold blood. The scene changed and she was seen shooting Batarians, including children. Someone was dressed in the same armour she wore but that definitely wasn't her, he knew her movements, her tactics. The locations were all missions they'd done while working under the Cerberus banner but while the locations may have been accurate the footage wasn't. Joker's omnitool beeped.

'Have you seen this?' Anderson was livid on Joker's screen.

'Looking at it now,' Joker nodded, confused and stunned by what he was seeing. 'Where did this come from?'

'I have discovered the source,' EDI spoke up. 'The feed is being carried by relay from somewhere outside the Sol system. The mission reports were taken from the Normandy databanks, prior to returning to Earth. I believe one of the crew to be responsible.'

'This is bad, isn't it?' Joker couldn't hide the worry in his voice. One of the crew had obviously lied and whether he was working for Cerberus or doing it alone it didn't matter, it was damaging.

'We could certainly have done without it,' the rage in Anderson's voice surprised Joker. 'The Defence Council is already mistrustful of anything to do with Shepard.' He paused as someone spoke in his ear. 'Damn! The Council has called an emergency session and called Shepard. We need to get this cleared up.'

'Good luck,' Joker replied as Anderson cut the connection. His heart was pounding and he wondered if their luck had run out. Then he had a thought. He brought up his omnitool and typed a message, not expecting a reply very quickly but he was surprised when one came back immediately.

'I've seen it, I'm fixing it.'

It was over an hour later when EDI brought up another piece of footage that was being broadcast across the network and Joker watched in awe as it showed the real Commander Shepard. Images from the SR-1 missions were shown, the fight against Saren and Sovereign and footage from inside the ship as it was destroyed, showing Shepard giving her life for her crew. Then came missions from the SR-2. Her rescue missions, her attempts to warn the Batarians, her speech before taking down the Collectors and her message to the Illusive Man, who was seen in all his evil as he tried to convince her to keep the Collector base intact with the human Reaper to study. Her speech to her crew, her voluntary surrender to the Alliance. Footage from the original video was shown at the end for what it was, a thrown together piece of propaganda. Following that was a message about the Reapers, that they were coming and why Shepard was needed to lead the fight.

'The truth, courtesy of the Shadow Broker.'

The footage ended and Joker couldn't stop the surge of pride that washed over him even as he grinned at Liara's showmanship. He only hoped it worked, that even if the Council didn't believe it they might doubt the original footage enough to give them pause. He had to believe it would work, he needed her back. But it was more than that, the galaxy needed her and she needed to be out there fighting, building their defences against what was coming. She was a warrior, a hero to most and she needed to be seen, to rally the troops and re-enforce the belief that they could win. He'd married one hell of a woman and he needed to tell her that.

He was trying to concentrate on the simulations without success. It was important work if the Normandy was going to be ready to fly when she was needed but his heart wasn't in it. He couldn't leave Shepard behind, he'd rather die on Earth than pilot the Normandy under another commander. This was Shepard's ship as much as it was his and there was no way it was leaving without her. His omnitool pinged.

'She needs you now. At the pool in ten.'

Joker pushed himself to his feet, 'EDI?'

'I know, Jeff,' she assured him as he left.

The ride to the pool had never seemed so long. Beside him Westmoreland was fiddling with her omnitool but the beeps and pings were purely background noise. His head was reeling with emotions, with fear and doubt. For the first time since they'd come back he seriously wondered if they were going to die on Earth when the Reapers hit, purely because some stupid officers had their heads stuck up their asses.

He was worried about Shepard. Something drastic must have happened for Vega to call him urgently and run the risk of discovery. Shepard would be devastated if Vega lost his commission because of her, because he was trying to help her. A list of possible scenarios ran through his head, each one making his stomach churn more than the one before. He pulled in a deep breath, he had to calm down, panicking wouldn't help anyone.

They arrived at the pool complex and Joker rushed inside to find Vega waiting for him. Joker wasn't sure if he was angry, disappointed or frustrated as he paced inside the doors.

'She's in the back,' Vega nodded. 'Anderson told me to get her here and make sure you got here as well,' he glanced at Westmoreland who simply nodded.

'What happened?' Joker was eager to go inside but he didn't want to go in blind.

'They stripped her of her commission, she's going to trial for crimes against the Batarians.'

'Shit!' Joker wanted to punch someone or something. Broken fingers or hands didn't seem like much compared to what he knew Shepard would be feeling. 'Thanks, Vega,' he placed his hand on the large man's shoulder before moving towards the door.

'Good luck.'

Joker simply nodded, opened the door and stepped through. It took him a few moments to find her and when he did his heart broke. She was curled up on one of the sun lounges along the edge of the room, her knees pulled up with her arms wrapped around them. Her head was resting on her knees, it was obvious she hadn't heard him come in. He made his way across the room but she still didn't move.

'Ari,' he said softly, not wanting to startle her into doing something unexpected. 'Ari,' he repeated when she didn't move.

Slowly she raised her head and he was stunned by the angry blaze in her eyes. He'd seen her angry before but this was different. There was a cacophony of emotions behind the anger, all of them fighting for control. He sat down slowly on the side of the lounge as she stared at him, it was almost as if she didn't really see him and she jumped as he touched her arm.

'Ari,' he leaned in and reached for her face.

Before he could touch her she sprung to her feet, away from him to the edge of the pool where she paced angrily, her heavy footfalls echoing around the room. She grabbed at her hair as she glared out at nothing, her breathing shallow and fast. Suddenly she screamed. It was a primal scream of frustration and despair. She kicked a chair and it clattered noisily across the floor before dropping over the side of the pool into the water.

Joker jumped in surprise and glanced across the room as Vega dashed through the door. Joker waved him back and he disappeared with a nod. He looked back to Shepard to see her hugging herself as she stood staring down into the water. Anger had given way to defeat and despondency.

'Ari,' he got to his feet and moved towards her slowly, unsure if she was aware of him.

'I should have listened to you,' she said softly, her head lifting and her eyes seeking his. 'I should never have come back. Life is going to end because I did what was supposed to be the right thing.'

Pain flared in Joker's chest as if someone had stabbed a knife into his heart. Tears burned as he looked at his wife, her face devoid of emotion, her voice haunted and her eyes empty. It terrified him to see the loss in them.

'They took away my rank, my ship and my life.' She went back to staring at the water. 'I gave up my life, literally,' she laughed but it was hollow and cold. 'I did everything they ever asked of me, I handed them Cerberus, gave them the Normandy,' she shuddered and Joker could see her trembling. 'I was separated from you. For what? They don't trust me, they don't believe me and now I'm going to trial for saving them, for giving them more time to prepare.' A sob escaped, 'it was all for nothing. I'm sorry.'

Joker moved quicker than he ever thought possible and pulled her into his arms. She didn't respond, her arms remained wrapped around herself and for a moment he was afraid she'd shut down, closed herself off. Suddenly she growled and pushed him away roughly. With a yelp he stumbled backwards, managing to keep his footing without crashing to the floor.

'You need to stay away from me, Jeff, or they'll drag you down with me.' She was angry again and for a moment Joker thought he would be unable to get through, until he saw the tears in her eyes.

'Not going to happen,' he said firmly, hurriedly moved beside her and pulled her into his chest.

He was afraid she was going to push him away again but her arms hung limply by her side. Her head dropped onto his chest and she choked back a sob. Gently he led her back to the lounge and urged her to lie with him, his arms enclosing her as she finally wrapped her arms around him. He felt dampness on his shirt and realised she was crying softly, his own tears rolled into her hair as he held her.

'It's going to be okay,' he reassured her and she scoffed. 'Anderson and Hackett will fix it.' Joker knew she didn't believe him, hell, he wasn't sure he believed him. He had to do better. 'Just think, when the Reapers land on their heads you can say "I told you so" and that will have to feel good.' He felt her fingers relax against his chest as she moved her arm.

'It won't matter will it,' she pointed out, 'if the Reapers are here there will be no-one to say it to.'

'We could steal the Normandy,' he shrugged, 'it wouldn't be the first time.'

'I'm scared, Jeff,' she sighed into his chest and Joker couldn't stop the panic that rose within.

'I know, babe,' he kissed the top of her head. 'But you have to believe everything will be all right, you have to hold on to that.'

'I don't know if I can.'

'Yes you can, we've been here before, remember when you first woke up and you weren't sure who you were?'

'You told me I didn't need a rank or a uniform to be Commander Shepard.'

'Yes I did and I still believe that, I still believe in you,' he moved so he could meet her eyes. 'I love you and I know you can get through this. I know how strong you can be, I've seen it. Now you need to show everyone else. Don't let them beat you down.'

'How?'

'Be the fighter I know you are. Treat them like any other enemy, learn their weaknesses, find the cracks. You have people fighting on your side, trust them, trust me.'

'Some fighter I am,' she scoffed, 'I'm crying on your shoulder.'

'That's just emotion and shock,' Joker smirked, 'I'm sure the chair won't recover any time soon from your boot up its ass.'

'Do you really think it will be okay?' She searched his eyes and Joker knew he had to hide his fear from her.

'Of course, how could it not be? You're Commander Shepard and you're married to the best pilot in the galaxy and our ship is almost finished.' He leaned in and kissed her lightly, 'besides, we have to christen your cabin again so you have to come back on board.'

'I have no idea why I love you,' she groaned.

'It's my sexy body and irresistible charm,' he chuckled and kissed her. 'How could you resist?'


	51. Chapter 51

Joker was tying his boots when the door to his room slid open. He had spent an hour at the gym, showered and was almost ready for Westmoreland to collect him. Today was different. Anderson had asked him to head out to the Flight Academy to give the trainees a talk on fighting unknown enemies. Joker wasn't one for public speaking but he was doing it as a favour to Anderson.

'Ready in a minute,' he finished his lacing and stood up.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau?' A familiar and yet unknown voice made him look up.

He almost gasped as he looked into a pair of blue grey eyes that had haunted him since the day he first saw them. But these weren't the eyes he knew, they were older, wiser. He looked at the face that was so much like his Shepard but so different. _Crap!_ He knew who this was.

'Captain Shepard,' he moved to attention and saluted, there were still some protocols he obeyed. Besides, he needed to make a good impression.

'At ease, Joker is it?' She crossed her arms in a move that was so much like her daughter he almost grinned.

'Yes, ma'am,' he nodded, curious about what he'd done to deserve a visit from not only Shepard's mum but a highly regarded Alliance Officer. 'Or Jeff, ma'am.'

'No need to be so formal, call me Hannah, especially since you're now part of the family.' Her eyes held mischief and Joker decided that Ari definitely took after her mother.

'Ah, yeah, about that …..' he wasn't sure what to say, 'we ah, hadn't really planned to keep it from you but…..' He paused as she hid her mouth behind her hand, was she laughing at him.

'It's all right, Joker,' she chuckled and he sighed in relief. 'Anderson told me the whole story, amazing as it is.' She moved to the sofa and sat down, indicating that he should do the same. 'Anderson also told me that if it wasn't for you my daughter would probably be dead.'

'Well, I'm not completely responsible for her being alive, she's one hell of a soldier and she had a fantastic team behind her.'

'Which you were part of,' Hannah sighed and Joker had a feeling she was here for more than just going over old stories. 'They won't let me see her. I haven't spoken to her since before she died. I found out she was alive, brought back from the dead,' she shook her head in disbelief, 'but she never contacted me.'

'Cerberus kept communications pretty tight for a while,' Joker explained, 'eventually we worked our way round them and managed to get some information out but there wasn't a lot of personal stuff included.'

'She sent me a message just before you went through the Omega-4 relay, telling me she loved me and that if she came back she'd find me.' Her eyes moistened as she continued, 'it was hard enough losing her once let alone twice.

'I remember, she was upset she hadn't taken the time to see you but she didn't want to take the chance on you being tarnished by what we were doing.' Joker recalled the messages he'd sent to his parents and he regretted not contacting them since getting back. He should remedy that.

'How is she, Joker?'

Joker met her eyes. Did he tell her the truth, that her daughter wasn't doing well. The last few times he'd seen her the dark circles were back, she looked exhausted and he guessed she wasn't sleeping again. This morning she'd hardly spoken, she'd avoided his eyes and he knew she was trying to hide her pain from him. When he met Vega's eyes the marine had just shook his head and Joker guessed he wasn't having much success getting her to see someone about it.

'She's not sleeping,' he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. 'It's like when she came back all over again.' There was no hesitation as he told her about how Shepard hadn't dealt very well with her resurrection. He saw her wipe tears from her eyes as he told her how she's spent nights asleep beside him in the cockpit, how she was lost and how her self-confidence disappeared.

'At least she had you,' Hannah gave him a weak smile.

'Yeah, but we were both in a bad place,' he stared at the floor as he spoke and was surprised to feel a warm hand on his arm.

'It wasn't your fault,' she looked at him with a frown.

'I killed her,' he sucked in a breath, it was easier to say it aloud but it still hurt. 'If she hadn't gone back for me she wouldn't have died.'

'She wouldn't have been happily married either, I doubt Cerberus would have brought you back.'

'That's exactly what she said,' Joker chuckled. Hannah's hand slipped down his arm and gripped his hand, it was comforting and he squeezed her fingers gently. 'If you want to see her she'll be at the pool this afternoon, my physio sessions have been matching her exercise sessions. It's the only time we get together.'

'I don't want to take away your time with her,' Hannah shook her head, 'I'm sure you get little enough as it is.'

'I don't mind,' Joker grinned but was suddenly serious. 'She may try and push you away, she's done it to me a couple of times now but I'm not letting her do it.'

'Are you sure, I don't want to get anyone in trouble.'

'No-one can stop you if you decide to go for a swim at a particular time, the pool isn't locked down just because she's in there.' His face coloured a little and she looked at him curiously. 'Well, we've had a little help and it has been locked down a couple of times.' He shrugged and she laughed.

'I'll think about it,' she stood up and Joker followed her. 'Thank you, Joker, I'm glad she found you and you've made her happy.' She pulled him into a gentle hug and as she stepped back he stared at her in surprise. 'Yes I know about your illness and it doesn't matter. It made you the man my daughter fell in love with, besides, you're my son in law now so expect it.'

'So mother in law jokes are okay?' He grinned and she shook her head with a smile.

'Just remember, I carry a gun like my daughter,' she chuckled as he rolled his eyes in defeat. 'Let me know if you need anything, we're family now.'

'Actually, there is one thing,' Joker walked her to the door. 'Can you have Anderson send Dr Chakwas to see Ari, I know she'll listen to her. I won't get to see him till later and I think she needs someone now.'

'That I can do,' she placed her palm against his cheek, 'I can understand why she fell in love with you.' She smiled and left the room.

* * *

Joker knew it was bad the moment he entered the pool area. Vega had silently warned him and he'd braced himself but today wasn't the day for this. He was late, he'd messaged Vega to push their time back an hour and at first Shepard had refused.

'_If he can't be bothered to be there why should I?'_

Vega had passed on her message and Joker had cursed angrily. She was pushing him away, or trying to, a little more each day and he hated it. It wasn't his fault the students had known who he was and wanted to hear the stories of the Normandy. Then he'd run into Hadley who was back at flight school training for bigger ships, he'd wanted to buy Joker lunch to say thank you for making him realise his potential. After that they got held up at the shuttle bay when the press got word he was there and Campbell had been held up coming to collect him from Westmoreland. It was an uncontrollable chain of events but he knew that wasn't going to appease Shepard. Not today.

'Ari,' he walked towards where she was sitting on the edge of the pool and was devastated by the pain in her eyes when she turned to face him.

'You're late,' she stood up and crossed her arms over her chest.

'Sorry, things got out of control,' he moved closer and she stiffened. Definitely not a good day. 'I'm here now.' He went to reach for her but she stepped back.

'Doing your duty for the day,' she grimaced. 'Come to spend an hour with the prisoner so you can feel good about yourself.' She turned and walked away.

'Ari, you know that's not how it is,' he sighed and slowly walked after her. He'd been on his feet most of the day and his legs were killing him, his back was aching and he needed a shower.

'No I don't,' she spun angrily. 'I don't know anything because I'm locked in my room all day, only allowed out for a bit of exercise.' He watched as she paced, he could see the tension in her back and shoulders, the tightness of her fists. 'But you've got it good, haven't you. You get to go out, give talks, spend time with others. Anyone special I should know about?' She glared at him and he met her stare. 'Had enough of being married to the traitorous ex Commander Shepard yet?'

'Ari, stop it!' He was trying not to let his anger get the better of him, he knew she didn't mean any of it but that didn't stop it from hurting.

'Do you even think about me when you're out there?' She was yelling and shaking now and Joker knew she was fighting back tears. 'Do you even care?'

'Ari, enough!' He strode over as quick as his legs would allow and gripped her shoulders. 'Of course I fucking care! Do you think it's easy for me to be out there every day when I know you're trapped in here? Don't you think I know how hard it is for you?' His voice was raised and his grip on her shoulders tightened. 'I'm doing the best I can do. I'm trying to help you however I can. You know that.'

'Do I?' she shrugged off his grip and stepped away from him. 'All I hear is what's happening on the Normandy or who said what. Do you even tell others about me, about us, or are you ashamed to be connected to me, afraid I'll drag you down with me.' Her eyes were dark with emotion and he could see the despair she tried so hard to hide. 'You know what, just go, forget about me, just go.' She waved in the direction of the door.

'Ari, you don't mean that,' Joker tried to reach for her again but she moved away and turned her back towards him.

'Go! Just leave me alone!' She was almost yelling but he could hear the tremor in her voice and all he wanted to do was hold her, make her understand that she wasn't the only one hurting.

Joker was about to speak but a soft touch on his shoulder stopped him and he looked around into the eyes of Hannah Shepard. She silently shook her head and indicated he should go. With a reluctant glance at Ari he turned and left.

'Fuck!' He leant against the wall in the foyer and felt James' hand on his shoulder. 'Damn that woman is so stubborn sometimes.'

'She didn't mean it,' James reassured him.

'I know,' Joker sighed and dropped into a chair. 'Still hurts though.' He knew he couldn't leave yet, EDI was looping the feed so he couldn't be in two places at the same time but he desperately wanted to get away from here. 'Did Chakwas come to see her today?' He looked up at James.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'she wasn't happy about it either. Chakwas didn't take any of her shit, that's probably why she's taking it out on you.' James smirked and Joker grimaced.

'She'll probably blame me for that too,' Joker sighed and dropped his head against the wall. He was tired, he didn't have the strength for this today.

'That's one hell of a woman you've married,' James chuckled.

'Yeah, a real wildcat,' Joker grimaced but followed it with a grin. 'Wouldn't have her any other way.'

* * *

Shepard heard the door close and couldn't believe he'd left. Why wouldn't he after the way she'd spoken to him. She released the sob she'd been holding in, fighting not to let him see it. She hated herself. He loved her, she knew that. She knew he hated this as much as she did. She'd let her frustration get the better of her and she'd taken it out on him when it wasn't his fault. Tears fell and she desperately tried not to cry aloud as her shoulders shook, partly from frustration and partly from anger. Anger at herself, at Anderson, at the world in general and the position it had put her in. They were all going to die because everyone thought she was crazy.

She needed Joker. She wanted his arms around her, his strength holding her up, making her believe everything would be all right. But she'd sent him away. She was an idiot. The pent up tears flowed freely and she sobbed into her hands. A touch on her shoulder made her look up in hope, he hadn't left. Blue grey eyes met hers.

'Mum!' She broke down and fell into the welcoming arms of her mother, her body shaking as she cried her heart out.

'Shh, it's okay,' Hannah stroked her daughter's hair as tears rolled down her cheeks, she guided them to a lounge and sat down.

'No it's not,' Shepard sobbed. 'I just yelled at Jeff and sent him away. He'll think I'm angry at him.'

'No he won't,' Hannah chuckled. 'He loves you, he knows you love him.'

'Why did I do that?' She cursed between sobs.

'Because sometimes we need to lash out and often it's someone we love in the firing line.'

'Why are you here?' Shepard suddenly looked up at her mother. 'How did you know I'd be here?'

'Jeff told me, suggested I come and see you. I didn't want to intrude on what little time you two have but he told me it was okay.' She smiled at the love that shone from her daughter's red swollen eyes. 'I can understand why you love him.'

'He is wonderful isn't he,' she grinned through her tears before the memory of how she just treated him pushed itself forward. 'Oh god, what have I done to him.' Another round of sobs broke out as her mother's arms held her tight.

Hannah Shepard held her only child in her arms, angry at what the Alliance had turned her into. She needed to help her find herself, to be Commander Shepard again. She would be needed in the fight to come and while she was allowed a brief period of self-pity it had to stop. Eventually the crying ceased and Hannah watched as the younger woman pulled herself up.

'This isn't you.' Hannah brushed a lock of hair of Ari's face.

'I know,' she shook her head, making the lock of hair fall forward again and Hannah grinned. She'd always had trouble keeping her hair in place especially as a child, the unruly locks always had a mind of their own.

'What are you going to do about it?' Hannah watched her daughter think, the crease of her brow, the way she pulled in her bottom lip. It was so much like her father. 'I've been reading the reports you've been writing for Anderson. It's fascinating reading but it won't mean a thing if you lose hope, if you let those in charge beat you down. Everyone who had read your reports wants to know more, they need to know what's coming, what we can do.' She watched as Ari glanced around the room through bloodshot eyes. 'We need you, Commander Shepard, you are our expert in this, you need to help us prepare.'

'Bit hard from in here,' she scoffed and sat back against the lounge.

'Arelia Shepard!' Her mother's raised voice made her jump. 'That's enough! There are people out there fighting for you,' she pointed to the door and Ari couldn't help but follow her finger. 'Don't you dare let them down. They are putting their careers on the line, risking everything for you. There are people out there who love you, who would do anything to get you through this. Don't make their efforts worthless.'

Hannah stood up and pulled on her Captain's face. 'On your feet soldier.' The command in her voice forced her daughter up and to attention. 'Pull yourself together. You're an N7 decorated marine, act like it.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Ari stared at a spot on the wall behind her mother's head, annoyed at herself for her instinctive reaction. As if reading her thoughts her mother chuckled and Ari glanced at her. She couldn't stop the grin that broke out on her face. 'Thanks mum.' She rolled her eyes and her mother laughed before pulling her into a hug.

'You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and you need to tell that gorgeous man you married that you love him.' Hannah stepped back and glanced up as the lights flickered.

'Time's up,' Ari sighed, 'I'll have to tell him tomorrow.' She held her mother's hand, reluctant to let go.

'I probably won't get back for a while, we're shipping out to Arcturus tonight,' Hannah kissed her daughter's forehead tenderly. 'Please look after yourself, I don't want to have to come back here just to pull you into line.'

'I'll try,' she nodded and continued before her mother could speak, 'it's the best I can do right now.'

'Good enough,' Hannah turned as Vega came through the door. 'At least you have something pleasant to look at.'

'Mum!'

'What, I'm a woman and I can still admire a nice looking piece of man flesh.' She laughed at the look of horror on Ari's face.

With a last kiss she turned and headed for the door, making sure to ogle Vega as she walked past. Ari buried her face in her hands with a groan before looking up to see a red faced Vega watching her.

'Let's go,' she shook her head as she fell in step beside him. 'Hey Vega, any chance you can send a message for me.'

'For you, Commander, anything.'

* * *

Joker was just settling into bed when his omnitool beeped. He opened up the message from Vega.

_Hey flyboy,_

_You'd better be taking care of my ship or I'll break every bone in your fragile body, in the most pleasant way of course._

_It's your move._

_I love you._

He grinned as a chess board appeared. She was back. His Ari, his Commander Shepard was back.


	52. Chapter 52

_You're far away, so far away  
Have to believe that you can still feel me  
And I can only wait and miss you  
Now we're locked in time, out on the wire  
I wish that I could fight the world for you  
I'm always on your side  
If I could trade places, you know I would_

_Hold on_  
_Don't let go_  
_Just stay on that road in that heartbeat_  
_You're not alone in the dark, can you see me_

_Cos I'll be lighting fires, fires, for you_  
_I'll be lighting fires, fires, for you_  
_I'm there in the light when you need me, to find your way home_

_**Fires - Ronan Keating**_

* * *

Joker stopped at the bottom of the gangway and took a good long look at his ship. She really was a sexy, sleek vessel and he chuckled as he remembered what he'd done to become her pilot, well the SR-1 anyway. He was lucky General Invictus had seen the amusing side of Joker's hijacking, the same couldn't be said for Crooks who was posted at the Normandy's pilot. Putting the Normandy through her paces on her maiden flight had been child's play, avoiding the patrol sent out to bring him back was a breeze, he hadn't even broken a sweat, even breaking through the security protocols had been easy. He'd expected to end up behind bars but he'd taken the chance, he'd been tired of his skills being ignored because all anyone saw were his crutches and it had paid off. He had been surprised that Invictus had defended him and insisted on his posting considering he'd treated him like dirt under his boots prior to his running off with the Normandy. Seems Turians can recognise skill just as well as anyone else.

His eyes followed the lines of her hull and he was pleased to see Alliance blue back where it belonged. He dropped his gaze to the cargo ramp where crates were being loaded aboard, there were a lot of crates and he frowned a little. Someone must have made a mistake, they weren't scheduled to go anywhere so why the hell did they need so much on board. He raised his hand instinctively as Steve waved at him. Steve Cortez, they'd met at the academy and developed a friendship that was based around friendly rivalry. When he'd come on board two weeks earlier to oversee the final installation of the Kodiaks and manage the flight deck Joker had been glad to see a friendly face.

He got on all right with Traynor, the comms specialist but he had a lot in common with Steve. Joker considered him the only other pilot that came anywhere near him for skill. They'd both started out training for cruisers and frigates but Steve had been selected for fighter and shuttle training. Joker had been a little jealous, he could see himself flying around in a Trident, but the reality of his disease meant the forces would have torn him apart. They'd run into each other a couple of times but once Steve had married they'd lost touch. Joker had been genuinely upset to hear his husband had died because of a Collector attack.

Once his condolences would have been less than heartfelt but now he knew what the pain and heartache of losing someone you love was like. His heart had gone out to Steve and they'd managed to share lunch or coffee and Joker was happy to be an ear for his grief. He trusted Steve to handle the flight deck, he welcomed him as part of the Normandy team and hoped he'd stay on board.

'Joker?' Westmoreland moved beside him and looked at him curiously.

'Yeah, just thinking about how I ended up here,' Joker chuckled and she nodded.

As much as she was his guard he'd come to like her, she was always patient with him, especially on his bad days when his legs gave him problems. She treated him like any other person and he appreciated that. Campbell cleared her throat as she waited for him at the airlock. He pulled himself out of his reverie and walked up the gangway onto his ship. Both of them had been waiting for him this morning, a little strange as usually there was only one of them. He brushed the thought aside as he passed through the entry and immediately felt at home.

He slipped into his chair and brought up the controls, automatically carrying out system checks. His thoughts, however, were elsewhere. He hadn't seen Shepard this morning. Vega had let him know they had been told to stay where they were because the Defence Council might be calling for them. They'd been grounded for just on six months now and this was the first time Joker felt apprehensive about her appearance before the Council. He had a gut feeling that something was wrong. His omnitool pinged and he glanced at it in surprise.

'Mum!' He'd put a call through two days ago but it had taken this long for her to get back to him.

'Jeff,' her green eyes were moist as she looked at him from the other side of the screen. 'Are you okay, I haven't heard from you for so long.'

'Yeah, mum, I'm fine,' he rolled his eyes at her and she chuckled. 'I spoke to dad and Hillary a few days ago and they told me you were on Arcturus working. I thought you quit and were living back on Tiptree.'

'I did, but some problems came up and they needed my help, I'm going home tomorrow.' She glanced at something off screen and seemed puzzled when she looked back at him. 'How is it on Earth, is everything okay, is the Alliance still letting you fly?'

'Yeah, everything's good,' he broke into a grin, 'I got married, mum.'

His mother's gasp could be heard clearly through the link but concern showed on her face. Joker knew she couldn't help but worry about him. Most of her life had been spent worrying about him. Yes, she was his mother and mothers do that, but he had been a burden to her for all of his childhood. He knew she didn't see it that way but he did. His illness had kept his parent's apart for most of his youth because he'd had to spend time on Arcturus for medical treatments. His sister had grown up knowing only a woman who occasionally came home. He hated his illness for that.

'Jeff, are you sure that's the right thing?'

'Yes, mum,' he knew it was only concern but it hurt a little that she didn't see him as capable enough to make decisions like that.

'I'm sorry,' she sighed, 'you're a big boy now but I worry about you.'

'I know,' he shook his head. 'Wait till you meet her, mum, you'll love her as much as I do.'

'Can I at least know the name of my daughter in law,' she chuckled.

'Commander Arelia Shepard,' he laughed as her mouth dropped and she stared at him in shock.

'Jeff, she'll break you!' She realised what she'd said and quickly recovered. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that. I'm just surprised, she does know about your disease?'

'Yes mum,' he sighed and she shook her head.

'Did you tell your father,' she seemed distracted by something off screen and Joker frowned as static hissed across the link.

'Yeah, Hilary is pissed at me, she wanted to be a bridesmaid.' Joker laughed and his mother smiled but the image disappeared behind white snow. 'Mum?' He adjusted the settings and the image cleared a little.

'Something's happening,' she was watching something off to her left and Joker could see everyone behind her doing the same. 'Oh my god!'

'Mum?' Joker sat up in his chair. 'What's going on?'

'The … eets….ttack…. ships…. relay,' the link was breaking up.

'EDI, can you clear this up,' Joker fiddled frantically with his omnitool as the image of his mother disintegrated.

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' EDI informed him, 'something is blocking the signal from the other end.'

'Mum!' Panic was setting in and he fought to control it. 'I love you mum.'

'Jeff….. ather ….. ilary … love … all.'

The connection died. Joker tried everything he knew to get it back but nothing worked, it was as if Arcturus wasn't there. A frightening thought entered his mind and he quickly connected to the Alliance channels Hackett had provided.

'Defend the station!' Hackett's voice was loud in his earpiece. 'Order an evacuation!'

Joker's heart was racing. Something was happening at Arcturus and he was sure it was nothing good. He flicked through the comms but all he heard was chaos.

'There's too many!'

'They're too big!'

'How the fuck do we fight these things?'

'All ships fall back!' Hackett's orders stood out among the voices.

'Admiral, we need to retreat.'

'Second fleet, rear-guard position, Third and Fifth fleet retreat to emergency rendezvous co-ordinates. God help us all.'

Joker felt his stomach churning. Behind him Westmoreland had leaned in closer and as he glanced at her he could see his own fears echoed on her face. There was only one thing that would make Hackett sacrifice the Second Fleet.

'Oh my god! They've destroyed Arcturus!'

It didn't matter whose voice it was the words were devastating. The parliament, Alliance command, Alliance training facilities and recruiting stations were all on Arcturus. Forty five thousand people lived and worked on the station but none of them mattered to Joker. Only one person was important to him. His mother had just died on Arcturus Station. There had been no time to organise an evacuation. Tears ran down his cheeks. How could he tell his dad, Hilary, that she was gone. Why hadn't he contacted her more often, told her he loved her, told her how much he appreciated everything she'd done for him. She'd never get to meet Ari, she'd never get to see how happy he was. He sat in stunned silence, his thoughts an incoherent mess as he tried to imagine a world without his mother in it.

'Joker,' Westmoreland placed her hand on his shoulder gently. 'I'm so sorry.'

Joker jumped as he was pulled back into reality then nodded silently, the chaos of what was happening at Arcturus was background noise. He felt her grip and it stirred him into movement. He looked up to see tears rolling down her cheeks and the enormity of what was happening suddenly became clear. He had to do his job, be the Lieutenant he'd been trained to be. He switched comm channels to link directly to Hackett.

'Admiral Hackett, sir,' Joker waited nervously for a response.

'Joker,' Hackett sounded breathless and Joker could hear orders being yelled in the background. 'The Reapers have taken out Arcturus Station.' There was disbelief in his voice and Joker could only imagine the stress and grief he was feeling.

'I know, sir, I was talking to my mother. I heard the chatter.' Joker fought to control his emotions.

'I'm sorry to hear that,' Hackett seemed to be pulling himself under control and Joker admired him all the more for it. He was the sole hope for the fleet's survival. 'You need to get the Normandy airborne. I know she's not finished but we can't afford to lose her.'

'Yes, sir,' Joker started his pre-flight checks. 'What about Shepard and Anderson?'

'Anderson should be prepared, he knew they were coming. He'll take care of Shepard but you need to be ready to pick them up.'

'Yes, sir. Has Earth been warned?'

'I've sent a message but comms are disrupted. Do what you can from there but we both know the chances of survival.'

Joker heard Westmoreland gasp behind him and he gripped her hand in support. 'I'll do what I can sir. Good luck.'

'To you too, Hackett out.'

Joker sucked in a breath and turned to look at Westmoreland, 'Now's the time to go if you want to leave and be with your family.'

'No, I have no-one,' she looked at Campbell who shook her head.

Joker spun back to his console, 'EDI, we need to be ready to leave.'

'Yes, Jeff, I will release the docking locks on your order.'

'Thanks,' Joker opened the ship wide comms. 'Attention crew and workers. Those big ass robotic squids that we've been warning everyone about have taken out Artcturus Station and the Second Fleet and are on their way here. The Normandy is leaving under orders from Admiral Hackett. Anyone who doesn't want to come along for the ride leave now. You have five minutes.'

'Joker, are you serious?' Steve asked incredulously from the flight deck.

'Nah, I'm just scaring everyone for the fun of it,' Joker scoffed. 'Of course I'm fucking serious, I can play the logs if you want to hear them.'

'No, I'm ... ' He paused for a moment at if gathering his thoughts. 'What do you need me to do?'

'Make sure the flight deck and all cargo are secured and anyone that staying knows where to be.'

'What is that?' Joker looked up as Westmoreland stared out of the viewport.

'Fuck!' Joker scrapped the pre-flight checks and warmed up the engines. 'We're out of time people,' he announced. 'We have to go.'

'Flight deck secure,' Steve announced.

'Engineering ready,' Adams informed him.

'Communications on line,' Traynor's voice trembled but she was doing her job.

There was a thunderous roar outside. Joker flinched as the ground shook beneath them and the sky outside turned red. A shadow loomed over them as a Reaper touched down and Joker watched in horror as Alliance headquarters was destroyed.

Shepard! Joker fought for breath as a thousand knives stabbed into his chest and his heart raced. She was in there. She had to be alive. He wasn't leaving without her. He wasn't losing another woman he loved today. Focus, he had to focus. He continued preparing for flight, he had to concentrate on the task at hand or he'd break down. He wanted to run, to find her but he knew their only chance of survival was getting his ship in the air. He pushed his grief and fear into a corner of his mind to deal with later, fastened his safety restraints and worked at getting them off the ground. The clunking of the airlock made him spin in panic, reaching for his pistol that wasn't there any more. _Fuck!_ Westmoreland and Chambers had both turned with their weapons raised and their collective sighs echoed around the cockpit as Alenko and Vega tumbled through the entryway.

'Shit!' Joker cursed as he tried to control his rapidly beating heart.

'Sorry,' Alenko was quickly beside him, 'get us out of here Joker.'

'Really, ya think,' Joker rolled his eyes as he turned forward and initiated departure procedures. 'EDI, unlock the clamps.'

The ship bobbed as the clamps released but Joker didn't wait and they were underway before the clamps were fully retracted. He had to get to Shepard, but where was she.

'Shepard?' Vega asked.

'Don't know,' his voice cracked but Joker's hands were flying across his console as he twisted and danced his way out of the docks, trying to ignore the fear that churned his guts.

'Last communication I had said her and Anderson were heading for the docks,' Alenko placed his hand on Joker's shoulder and the pilot sighed thankfully.

One less thing to worry about, she was alive. Beside them a freighter managed to shear away the docking clamps but the inertia forced it sideways, straight at them. Joker cursed as he pushed the Normandy up and over the freighter, the movement forcing everyone to grab hold so they didn't fall. A shuttle appeared in front of them and he had to roll to avoid it and everyone behind him stumbled to the floor.

'What the fuck! Did everyone get their pilot's licences out of cereal boxes this morning?!' He lifted them above the chaos and immediately put them into stealth mode. He had no idea if it would help them avoid the Reapers but he had to at least try. 'EDI, where is Shepard?'

'I have located her tracker, she is currently exiting on the roof of a building two blocks south.'

'Shepard has a tracker?' Alenko stared at him in surprise before looking at EDI's blue orb that had popped up alongside Joker. 'Is that an AI?'

'Yeah, sorry, Anderson told us to keep it quiet. EDI's been playing dumb and Shepard had a sub dermal tracker inserted before she was detained, just in case.' He shrugged as he glanced at the Major.

Outside the Reapers rained down destruction on the city of Vancouver. Watching from the cockpit of the Normandy it felt surreal, like watching a movie play out through the viewports. Joker was the only one moving, his hands a blur as the ship that was a part of him rolled, dived, spun and avoided everything that came their way.

'Normandy, this is Anderson,' his voice broke the spell of the horror outside. 'I've patched in Shepard, we're almost at the docks.'

'Joker,' Shepard's voice was sure and strong and Joker couldn't stop the shake of his hands as relief washed over him. 'Are you airborne?'

'Yes, heading for your location.' He brought up her signal on his screen.

'Oh, God!' Alenko shouted and Joker looked up. 'They've taken out the dreadnaught!'

Joker watched debris fly out in all directions as the ship exploded. A large chunk headed straight towards them but Joker banked quickly to avoid collision. He watched in terror as another chunk demolished the building Shepard and Anderson had been scaling.

'Shepard!' He waited for her voice on the comm but nothing came through. The blip on his screen moved and he let out the breath he'd been holding.

'Normandy,' Anderson's voice came through a few minutes later but the transmission was cut off.

'EDI?' Joker asked hopefully.

'Co-ordinates uploaded.'

Joker shot them forward, once again making everyone around him stumble. He ignored their groans and curses. Shepard needed him, he had to get her off the ground. This was his job, this was what he was good at. They rounded the bay to find Shepard and Anderson pinned down by Reaper forces. Joker saw red.

'Stay away from my wife you bastards,' he muttered as he fired the main guns and spoke into the comm. 'The cavalry has arrived!'

Below them the destruction was complete and he was relieved to see Shepard bound out of cover as he spun towards a pile of debris that formed a natural ramp. Behind him Alenko and Vega dashed through the CIC and he was thankful that Shepard would have support. He brought up the feed from the cargo bay to see Shepard jump aboard. He could breathe again, she was safe, back where she belonged. His joy was quickly overshadowed by Anderson's determination to stay, he owed the man more than he cared to admit and he was afraid this might be the last time they saw him. He could see the same fear in Shepard's stance as she argued with him but as he threw her dogtags at her and turned away Joker knew Anderson was relying on them to bring help. With a heavy heart he set a course to take them away from Earth.

They were through the enemy fleet and heading for the Charon relay when familiar footsteps sounded behind him. He released his restraints and spun his chair, getting to his feet just in time to catch Shepard as she rushed into his arms. He buried his nose in her hair as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her in against him, he trembled as she clung to him and he could feel her shaking as she fought back sobs. His lips found hers and he kissed her passionately, feeling her want and need in response. Eventually they had to come up for air and they grinned as their eyes met.

'Hey you.'

'Hey yourself,' he smiled as she ran her fingers along his jaw. 'Welcome home.'

'Commander, I have an incoming transmission from Admiral Hackett.' EDI broke into their reunion.

'Time to go to work,' Joker chuckled as she released her hold on him and nodded. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he slipped back into his chair. The galaxy was being wiped out around them but he was grinning and he didn't care in the least who saw it. They were both home, safe and together, right now that was all that mattered.


	53. Chapter 53

Joker sat on the sofa in their quarters. He'd needed five minutes to himself, a moment to gather his thoughts and deal with the sudden changes in their lives. He'd left EDI in control after setting a course for the Citadel by the fastest route and he had an hour before he needed to be back at the helm.

Everything had happened so fast. Their escape from Earth, the mission on Mars that had almost gone completely wrong, the decimation of the Second Fleet and the destruction of Arcturus. Shepard was alive and safe despite the Reapers and Illusive Man's best attempts but Anderson had been left behind. They had a ragtag crew, some of whom had never seen combat before, never left Earth before. Shepard didn't have a ground team as such and as capable as she was on her own he would be much happier if she had support. Vega was useful if a little impulsive and now that Liara was back her biotics would be helpful, he trusted Steve to pilot the shuttle and keep them safe. Things would have been a little better if Kaidan hadn't been hurt even with his doubts he was still a capable marine. Things could be much worse, they could all be dead.

He sat forward and leaned on his knees, burying his face in his hands as tears threatened. He brought up the log of his conversation with his mother and couldn't stop the tears as he looked into her green eyes, knowing he would never see the real thing again. He replayed their conversation, it was the only way he could hear her voice now, the only physical thing he had to remind him of her. He fought down a sob, if he released his grief he wasn't sure he could pull it back under control.

A hand on his shoulder made him look up to see Shepard gazing down at him in concern. She sat beside him, placing one leg behind him and pulled him into her chest. He felt her arms wrap around him tenderly and her other leg rest across his thighs as she laid back against the arm of the sofa, pulling him with her. He surrendered to her warmth and protection and lay against her chest, listening to the strength of her heartbeat. He wrapped his arms around her, holding on tightly, needing the proof that she was here, she was safe. She removed his cap and kissed his hair and Joker gave up the fight and allowed his tears to fall.

He thought of all the times his mother had been there for him, through all his treatments, putting up with his crappy behaviour and urging him on when he'd given up. She gave up parts of her life for him, sacrificed so much, missed so much and he'd never once told her how much he appreciated her. She had done her best to give him a normal life, encouraged him to follow his dreams, to be more than his disease and he'd never taken the time to thank her for helping him to become the man he was. It was because of her strength and determination that he was lying in the arms of the woman he loved and she would never get to meet her.

The thought of how she died haunted him. Was she killed in an explosion, did she suffer? Was she spaced, gasping for breath as she was thrown into the cold of space. Another thought entered his mind, the thought of Shepard being spaced, slowly dying as the air rushed out of her suit. He'd lost her once in the most horrible of ways but he never expected to lose his mother the same way. His mother wasn't a soldier but she'd become a casualty of war. He fought to think of happier times, of his mother's laugh, the way her eyes sparkled with pride when he'd managed his first steps after each surgery. He remembered her holding him when he cried because the kids at school had made fun of him or because he'd fallen and broken a bone.

Eventually he had no more tears to cry. He felt Shepard's hand gently stroking his hair, she sniffled and he knew she was sharing his pain and he loved her for that. She was the vanguard of their survival but she had taken the time to come to him, to be there for him, he loved her for that too. He'd never taken the opportunity to tell his mother the things he should have told her but he wasn't going to make the same mistake now.

'I love you, Ari,' he moved his head so he could see her face. God he'd missed her! 'I need you to know how important you are to me, how much I appreciate you, how much I treasure our time together. I want to thank you for accepting me, brittle bones and all, for seeing past my defences and for loving me.' He reached up and brushed the side of her face gently, 'you are so beautiful and I don't know what I did to deserve you but I thank all the powers that be that you're here.'

'Jeff,' she choked back a sob as tears rolled down her cheeks. 'I love you, so much. I couldn't have got through all of this without you, you're my strength, brittle bones and all,' he smiled as she smirked at him. 'Thank you for seeing me, for loving me, not Commander Shepard but Ari, the woman underneath. You have no idea how much that means to me.'

'Oh, I don't have a problem seeing the woman underneath,' he waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed. 'Thank you, Ari, for this, for letting me cry like a blubbering idiot …...'

'Hey,' she stopped him, 'she was your mother, Jeff, you have every right to cry, I would have been concerned if you hadn't.' She ran her fingers through his beard and across his lips, 'I'm sorry she's gone.'

'She would have loved you,' he reached up and pulled her down for a kiss, 'just like I do.'

Joker sighed and sat up, taking her hands and helping her upright. Her legs were still wrapped around him and any other time he would have been happy to take advantage of their position, but as much as he wanted to he knew it wasn't the time.

'How's Kaidan?' He'd watched her carry him on board as they'd fled Mars.

'Not good,' she sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, 'Liara's doing what she can but she's not a medical doctor.' She raised her head and looked at him. 'What happened to Chakwas?'

'On the Citadel, once the med bay was refitted the Alliance asked her to help out with R&D, something about improving medigel. She left a few weeks ago.'

'I really wish she was here right now. I don't know if Kaidan's going to make it.'

'I heard him questioning you again on Mars,' Joker pushed back his anger, he'd planned on having words with Kaidan about his mistrust but now he may never get the chance.

'Yeah, I wonder if he'll ever trust me completely,' she pulled her legs from around him. 'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' he smiled weakly, put his arm around her shoulder and held her against him. 'How could I not be with you here.'

'Guess we're back in business,' she chuckled and he laughed.

'Yep, out to save the galaxy … again.' He kissed her hair stood and moved to the bathroom to wash his face. 'I think we're going to need a few more friends this time though.' He walked back to where she was sitting, offered his hand and helped her to her feet, his hands automatically sliding down her back to rest on her backside.

'Guess we'd better start rounding them up then,' she grinned at him and handed him his cap. 'Let's go flyboy.'

'Yes ma'am,' he said huskily and she shivered. 'Time to fly you there in the style to which you've become accustomed.'

'In a way only you can,' she whispered in his ear and it was his turn to shiver.

With a grin she turned towards the door then yelped as Joker smacked her backside. He laughed at her surprised stare as he brushed past her and pushed the command for the elevator. He licked his finger and ran it down through the air and she rolled her eyes at him. Yep, they were definitely back in business.

* * *

'Shit!' Shepard leaned forward for a better view, her hand resting on Joker's shoulder.

'The best fleet in the galaxy and they're being decimated,' Joker refused to let despair take hold.

They'd dropped into Turian space around Palaven to find the Reapers already here and the Turian home world burning. He really hoped that stealth mode would keep them hidden long enough to drop the shuttle onto Menae. Once again they were caught in political bullshit. The Council had basically refused to help Earth openly but if Shepard did this favour for the Turians then they may be able to help Earth. All she had to do was rescue the Primarch from a living hell and get him to some meeting. This was a backroom deal that Joker hoped didn't blow up in their faces.

Joker was pissed. Shepard had come back from seeing the Council and to say she was angry was an understatement. After everything she'd done they still refused to help, they were too busy watching their own backs. He could understand that, really he could, after all they were trying to raise help for Earth. What annoyed him was their inability to see the bigger picture. Even back when they were chasing Saren the Council had been closed minded, almost to the point of burying their heads in the sand. Nothing had changed.

Their visit to the Citadel had been short but they'd managed to stock up on basic necessities, Kaidan had been taken to hospital where he was apparently going to recover and Dr Chakwas had come back on board. Joker had been genuinely happy to see her, even when she had a dig at him about keeping up his exercise program and medications. He felt like things were slowly getting back to normal, as normal as things could be with giant robot squids invading the galaxy.

They had managed to spend the night together, reaffirming their love. That had been the highlight of events so far but even that had felt rushed. Their lovemaking had been fast at first, slowly making way to more tender, passionate embraces as the night progressed. But they both needed more, as much as they'd had time together during their six months on Earth it felt like they were starting from scratch, having to get to know each other again. He was frustrated by that, he just wanted things to be as they were, to be normal.

'Okay, let's do this.'

He grinned. There was a piece of the normality he was looking for. No matter what the odds or whatever stood in their way Shepard would face it head on. As much as he worried for her being on the ground he knew she was more than capable of handling it. Him at the helm, her hand on his shoulder and a fight to be won. Normal if ever there was such a thing for them.

'Heading in, let's hope stealth mode works otherwise this could be one short trip,' Joker's hands went to work as Shepard leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking away.

He wound his way through the edge of the chaos outside, once or twice having to avoid debris but eventually the shuttle dropped and he hurried to find a safe place to hide. If it were up to him he would join the fight, help the Turians, but Shepard had been adamant that he stay hidden. She wanted a ship to come back to and, as much as she knew he was capable, making sure the Normandy stayed safe was more important. So, as much as he hated it, he sat on his hands and waited. He was thankful Shepard still had a camera in her armour. He flicked up the screen to see her, James and Liara taking down husks around the shuttle. Straight to work it was then.

Joker was overjoyed to see Garrus. One more step on the path to normal and one more friend to watch Shepard's back. He was just starting to relax when everything went dark.

'What the fuck?'

He glanced around in confusion, the only light coming from the burning planet outside. Nothing was working, every console on the ship was dead. Just as suddenly everything was back up, sort of. Around him consoles flashed intermittently, light dimmed then brightened, static streamed through the intercom and the ship lurched.

'Crap!' Joker hurriedly brought them back under control but his display kept disappearing. 'Traynor,' he called the comm specialist but only got static back.

'Joker,' he heard Adams through the static, 'what's going on?'

Suddenly it was quiet, eerily quiet and Joker felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was almost like there was a presence around him, permeating the ship. He quickly checked his readouts, they were still in stealth and hidden from standard scans. Maybe the Reapers were able to see them anyway, maybe this was how they took down their enemies, from the inside. He shivered as cold air blew around him then realised it was only the ventilation system coming back on.

'Traynor, what's happening?' He would have looked back at her but someone had put a damn door in the way.

'I'm not sure, whatever it is it's in the AI core.' There was a tremor in her voice but she was doing her job.

'Joker, I'm getting all sorts of strange reading and power fluctuations,' Adams informed him.

'Yeah, there are all sorts of crazy happening up here too,' Joker opened a channel to Shepard who agreed to send Liara back to help.

Joker didn't doubt Liara's abilities but he wasn't sure what she could do. He really wished Tali was on board, she'd have a better idea. He flicked through diagnostic screens, all of which said there was nothing wrong.

'What the hell,' he frowned at the read outs. 'Traynor, anything?'

'No, Liara is using her equipment to see what she can find. According to my diagnostics nothing is wrong.'

'Yeah, same here,' Joker was completely confused.

He ran all his tests again as the lights flickered around him. He spun his chair in surprise as the door whooshed open and consoles down either side of the CIC started flickering on and off in a rotating pattern, it was like some sort of code. He frowned as he watched them, was someone trying to send a message?

'Joker, I can't find anything wrong,' Liara spoke into his ear. 'Whatever it is the AI core seems to be locked out.'

A beep on his console alerted him that the shuttle was back, 'thanks, Liara, Shepard's back so I'll let her know.' He knew she would be tired from being groundside but someone needed to find out what was going on. The lights dimmed to almost nothing again and he shook his head.

'Joker, what's happening?' Shepard was on her way up in the elevator, at least that appeared to be working.

'We don't know, whatever it is it's in the AI core.'

'I'll check it out.'

Joker tried to bring up the camera feed from the mess but all the cameras seemed to be malfunctioning. He was starting to get concerned now, they couldn't go anywhere or do anything while all this was happening. They were sitting with their ass in space with no control. That was more frightening than the Reapers. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse the fire alarm sounded. Joker swallowed hard. Fires on spaceships were not good. The oxygen rich atmosphere held everything a fire needed to run rampant.

'Joker, what's that noise?' He could hear the worry in her voice.

'Fire extinguishers,' he informed her and heard her intake of breath. 'Okay, I'm going in.'

Joker jumped as he heard the door open through her comm link and he could hear hand held fire extinguishers at work before it dropped out. So she wasn't alone, that was good. He waited anxiously for her to let him know what was going on. Time seemed to drag and still nothing. He was really starting to get concerned now and contemplating going to look for her. The door opening and strange sounding footsteps behind him made him turn.

'Hello, Jeff.'

Joker stared open mouthed at the fembot before him and thought his life was over. This was the machine that had almost killed Kaidan. Had it killed Shepard as well on its way to him? He pushed back hard in his seat, really wishing he still had his pistol close at hand, wondering how painful it was to die by robot. _Wait._ Jeff? It called him by name in a voice that was very familiar. It hadn't moved, it simply stood there staring at him.

'EDI?"

'Yes, Jeff. Do you like my new platform?'

Joker couldn't remember the few times he'd been struck speechless, well there was the one time Shepard told him she loved him, but this was a completely different kind of speechless. He gaped openly as he stared at her new body, it was every sci fi nerds dream come to life. She was sexy, curves in all the right places, ample proportions and long legs. Who wouldn't ogle her?

'How? Why?' He struggled to find the right words to say.

'This platform give me the ability to interact with the crew more, to be more personal. I believed the risks were worth trying. I apologise for causing you distress.'

'No, it's okay,' he watched in amazement as she moved gracefully into the co-pilot's chair.

'I can be your co-pilot in a more efficient manor with this form.'

'Did you know about this?' Joker was so enraptured with EDI he hadn't heard the door open or Shepard approach.

'No,' he shook his head emphatically. 'If I'd known she was going to put herself into a sexy robot body do you think I could have stayed quiet?' He glanced up at her before looking back at EDI and making a frame with his fingers. 'Look at that! I'd have baked a cake!'

'I'm right here, Jeff,' EDI reminded him.

'Yes you are, EDI, yes you are,' Joker grinned, not seeing the hurt that crossed Shepard's face, not hearing the anger in her heavy steps as she walked away.

He glanced up as the door closed, a little surprised that Shepard had left without her usual rub of his shoulder or at least a 'see you later' in that sexy voice of hers. The door was new and he hated it. He felt like he was isolated from everyone even more than usual and he couldn't watch as his wife walked away, he didn't get to enjoy the roll of her ass in her tight fitting pants. Maybe he could do something about that.


	54. Chapter 54

Shepard wanted to hit something, or someone, really badly. Really. Really. Badly. She stormed angrily through the CIC, not completely aware of where she was going. Her mind was a chaotic mess. It wasn't enough that EDI had spent six months with Joker, laughing, sharing jokes, making plans. Shepard could deal with that, she was a voice, no threat. But now.

'Did you see EDI's new body?' A crewman asked his neighbour as she walked past.

'Yeah, Joker gets to spend all day looking at that. Lucky bastard.'

Shepard growled under her breath as they both chuckled. Her fists clenched as she thought about hitting the backs of their seats. She continued through the CIC, trying to think of where she could go to let of some steam.

'You have new messages at your private terminal, Commander,' Traynor advised her.

Shepard stopped at the terminal and brought up the messages. 'I would have baked a cake,' she muttered mockingly, glancing up at the closed door to the cockpit. The nerve of the thing, wanting to go on missions, as if! 'And who puts a fucking door on a cockpit? That's as stupid as a bloody great fish tank.'

'Commander?' She glanced up to see Traynor looking at her strangely. 'Are you all right?'

'Just peachy,' she nodded but her tone said otherwise.

'I see EDI's got a new body,' Traynor commented, not realising how close she was to having the Commander in her face. 'With that voice and now a sexy body she's certainly attractive.'

'Grrrr!' Shepard growled and Traynor flinched as the Commander turned to face her. 'Whose idea was it to put a door on the cockpit?'

'It's standard Alliance procedure, it's there to protect the command centre in the event of boarding or loss of life support.'

'It won't work on this ship, this is a Turian design. On an Alliance ship the bridge and the cockpit are one and the same, the Captain is not separated from the pilot.' She glanced up at the closed door. 'It needs to be removed.'

'Yes, ma'am, I'll see what I can do.' Traynor was a little taken aback by the Commander's tone. She hadn't spent much time around Shepard but she was sure there was something wrong. 'Are you sure you're okay, ma'am?'

'I'm fine,' she turned on her heel and went to the elevator, suddenly realising where she could blow of some steam.

This was ridiculous. She was Commander fucking Shepard for god's sake! She was behaving like an adolescent schoolgirl whose boyfriend was ogling the prettiest girl in class. This was a first for her. She'd never had a husband, never felt threatened in a relationship, purely because there hadn't been anything serious before. Maybe she should have kept it that way. She mentally slapped herself, he was her husband for fuck's sake. He'd told her he loved her, that he didn't want anyone but her. Yet he'd eyed off that fembot like a kid in a candy store. She paced the small space in the elevator. She trusted him, really she did, but put temptation in someone's way and you never know what will happen.

She stepped off the elevator on the cargo deck. She knew Vega had already installed his punching bag and she was all set to take advantage of it. Not bothering to wrap her hands she threw the first punch. Her fingers complained loudly but she ignored it and swung again.

'EDI, privacy mode, now,' she realised the AI could see all and right now the thought of having her watching was just creepy.

'Logging you out, Commander.' EDI responded and the sound of her voice sent Shepard into a fresh round of punches.

'That voice and sexy body,' she muttered, remembering Traynor's words. Another punch.

'Hey, Commander,' Vega came up behind her, 'I've just seen EDI's new body, that's really something.'

Shepard screamed. Every ounce of strength she had went into the next punch and the bag swung away, quickly coming back to meet her fists as she punched it harder. Her fingers screamed in pain. It wasn't the bag she was seeing, it was a silver, metallic body with oversize tits, perfect hips and long legs. That fembot was shut behind a closed door with her husband.

'Hey. Lola,' Vega grabbed the bag to stop its swing and frowned at the blood on her knuckles. 'Are you okay?'

'Just fine,' she blew her hair out of her face. 'But if I hear one more word about that fembot someone else won't be.'

'Whoa, Lola,' James held up his hands. 'Is there a problem?'

'Why would there be a problem? My husband is stuck behind a closed door with that thing and he's made it perfectly clear he's happy about it.'

'Shepard,' James was serious now, 'do you really think Joker would choose nuts and bolts over a body like yours? Geez, Lola, you fill out a uniform like nobody has a right too, do you really think he wants to lose that? You're Commander Shepard, who wouldn't want that?'

'Do you want this James,' she ran her hands down her torso and watched as his eyes widened.

'Shit, Lola,' he swallowed hard, 'I may be a flirt but I ain't going there.'

'I'm sorry, James,' she sighed and dropped her head into her hands. 'I don't know what's wrong with me.'

'I'd say the little green eyed monster got its claws into you,' James laughed and placed his hands on her shoulders. 'I really don't think you have anything to worry about.'

'Ahhh!' She moaned and shook her head. 'I know you're right, it's just …. I've missed him so much and we haven't had much time together since we left Earth. He was just so pleased to see EDI's new body and it hurt.'

'It's a novelty, it will wear off.' James pulled her into a hug, he considered himself a friend and right now she needed one.

'Thanks James,' she sighed and stepped back.

'Let's clean up your hands,' James led her to his workbench and pulled out a medigel pack. 'You really like punishing yourself, don't you.' He chuckled as he rubbed the gel on her knuckles.

'Yeah,' she shrugged and flexed her fingers as he released his hold.

Shepard decided she needed to get back to work, focus on something else. Messages, she should check the messages she ignored earlier. She had almost reached her terminal when Traynor pulled her aside.

'Commander, I've found something …..' she seemed hesitant.

'What is it Traynor?' Shepard stood beside her and encouraged her to continue.

The comms specialist was new to all this but she was handling it very well. EDI seemed to want to keep her around. EDI, gah! Not thinking about her right now. She focused on the information Traynor had found and was extremely impressed.

'Well done, Traynor,' she smiled and the woman beamed back at her.

Shepard set a course for Grissom Academy on the Galaxy map, they were close enough to be there in a couple of hours. She glanced up at the closed door and her stomach churned. She should go and talk to Joker but the thought of seeing him smiling at the fembot made her tense up. Coffee, maybe that would help. She headed back to the mess and automatically made two coffees, one to take to the cockpit for Joker. With a groan she dropped the second one into the disposal unit and sat down at the table. She dropped her head onto her folded arms and stamped her feet under the table. What the fuck was wrong with her?

'Shepard, are you all right?'

She looked up to see Garrus looking down at her, his mandibles tight against his face. She knew that was a sign of concern and she tried to sound calm.

'I'm fine, just sitting for five minutes.'

'A lot's happened in the last couple of days,' he slid into the seat across from her. 'You should try and rest when you can. I thought you and Joker might have been spending as much time together as you could, being separated for so long.' His mandibles fluttered in what she knew to be humour.

'Yeah, well that's not happening,' she swallowed her coffee, the burning heat in her throat giving her something to focus on.

Garrus stared at her and she realised he wasn't buying her story. She wasn't ready to get into another discussion about her uncontrollable urge to throw the fembot out the airlock so she drank what was left of her coffee, almost choking as it seared her throat on the way down.

'I hear Joker has a new co-pilot,' Garrus commented then almost fell out of his chair as Shepard blasted to her feet.

'Yeah,' she crushed the disposable coffee cup in her fist. 'I'm going to my cabin,' she threw the cup in the disposal unit with more force than was necessary and walked away.

Garrus watched her go. It was unlike her to be so angry when not on a mission and it took him a moment to realise why. He chuckled and shook his head. Damn, Joker was in trouble and he probably didn't even know it.

* * *

Joker brought up the scans of Grissom Academy as they dropped out of FTL and into stealth. It only just occurred to him that he hadn't seen Shepard all day. He knew she had things to do but they usually had at least three conversations and she almost always brought him coffee. He hadn't even brought up any camera feed today, what had he been doing. It wasn't like him not to watch his wife through the cameras. He realised he'd skipped lunch too. Crap, had he arranged to meet her for lunch. He didn't think so but she wouldn't be happy if she thought he forgot. His brow furrowed as he tried to recall if they'd made plans.

'EDI, was I supposed to meet Shepard for lunch?'

'I don't believe so.'

He glanced sideways at his new co-pilot. He was still amazed at having her beside him. He'd got used to interacting with just her voice but now she had a physical form she seemed more real. The rest of the crew seemed to think so as well, they'd been wandering in and out all day on some pretence, simply to get a look at her new platform. He'd spent most of the day talking to her about her new body, how it worked, how she was finding it, not that she'd moved from the seat all day to discover what it was like to socialise physically. She'd seemed quite content to sit by his side. It occurred to him that he'd been distracted by her new platform, so much so he'd neglected to see what Shepard was doing.

'I'm picking up a Cerberus cruiser and several fighters,' EDI's voice made him look up at his screens.

'Commander,' Joker opened the comm, 'we're picking up multiple Cerberus ships. We can't get the Normandy in past them.'

'Patch the feed through to my cabin.'

'What? I thought …. 'Joker frowned, she always came to the cockpit before missions, even before they were married.

'Do I have to repeat the order, Lieutenant?'

'No ma'am,' he linked the feed into her terminal.

Something was wrong. His guts churned and he didn't know why. He thought back over the day's events and wondered what had happened. He jumped as a voice came through from the station. The students were still alive and there was another way in.

'Joker I need a diversion so the shuttle can get through. Can you do that?'

'Can I?' Joker flexed his fingers, pushing his concerns about Shepard to the back of his mind. Deal with that later, now he needed to concentrate.

'Tell Garrus and Vega to suit up. We go in ten minutes.'

Joker switched to a private channel, 'Ari, are you okay?'

'I'm fine,' he could tell she was lying. 'I'll see you when we get back.'

Now he was definitely concerned, she wasn't coming to see him before she left, that was totally out of the ordinary. There would be no hand on his shoulder or peck on his cheek. That scared him.

'I love you,' he said softly into the comm, acutely aware that EDI was sitting beside him. 'Be careful.'

'Always am,' she replied and there was a pause on the other end. 'I love you too.'

Joker found it strange that it bothered him having EDI beside him when he was admitting his love for Shepard. It had never been an issue before. Then he thought about it. EDI didn't listen in on their private channel conversations. That didn't explain why he was embarrassed to admit his feelings now that she was sitting beside him.

'Ready Joker,' Steve came through on the comm.

Joker pushed all other thoughts aside as he released the cargo doors and the shuttle left the ship. As soon as they were out he pushed the Normandy forward, dropping out of stealth once he was close enough to the Cerberus ships. The shuttle's safety relied on him drawing away any threat, so he did. He wound his way among them, teasing and taunting them as he dived below the station. When he was sure they were following he picked up speed and raced away with Cerberus in pursuit.

Eventually the Cerberus ships gave up the chase and turned back. Joker let Steve know they were heading his way before putting the ship into stealth and hiding just out of sight range. He brought up the mission feed to hear Shepard cursing.

'Fucking mechanicals,' she cursed and ducked as an Atlas sent a rocket her way.

Joker frowned as she jumped up and emptied a full clip into the thing. Garrus and Vega were behind her, taking out Cerberus troops, but he could hear them chuckling. There was definitely something going on.

'EDI, how are Shepard's bio readings?'

'She is under stress and has been for most of the day.'

'How do you know?'

'She has been visible on the ship's cameras. She has snapped at a number of the crew today. Prior to her asking for privacy she appeared to be taking out her anger on Lieutenant Vega's punching bag. She seemed upset when she was speaking to Garrus in the mess.'

Joker was concerned, and more than a little confused. Damnit, why hadn't he checked the feeds today, he would have seen something, picked up that she wasn't happy. She was fine when she'd come back from Palaven. She'd been on her way to see him when she'd had to see to the disturbance in the AI core.

'Shepard, what are you doing?'

Vega's worried shout brought Joker's attention back to the feed. He watched as she slid between the legs of the Atlas, climbed up its back and proceeded to rip wires out with her hands. Joker could see the sparks as the machine lit up but Shepard waited till the last minute before jumping clear and rolling into cover. Shit! That was almost too reckless, even for Shepard.

'Take that you fucking piece of tin,' Shepard stood up and kicked the remains.

'Shepard, that was stupid,' Garrus spun her around angrily and Joker was glad he wasn't the only one to think so. 'Stop letting your personal feelings get the better of you.'

'Nothing personal, just taking down Cerberus,' Shepard glanced at the spot she knew the camera to be and Joker could see hurt in her eyes.

What the hell was going on? He brought up the feed from the mess and watched as Shepard marched in and made two coffees. So she had been bringing him one. Then she paused and he could see doubt and pain cross her face before she turned and threw one into the disposal unit. What the? He was more confused than ever.

He watched her sit and his heart ached at the despondent sigh she released as she dropped her head to the table. He was relieved to see Garrus sit down and talk to her and everything seemed to be going fine then suddenly she was on her feet, angrily crushing the cup and storming away. He saw the look of surprise on Garrus' face before it turned to one of understanding and he glanced at the camera with a shake of his head. Joker replayed the last part of the conversation, he'd been more watching than listening and he needed to know what brought on her sudden change.

'What's wrong with Shepard?' Steve asked as he walked through the door. 'I've never seen her so edgy.'

'I don't know,' Joker shook his head, 'she was fine earlier.' He suddenly realised that it was Steve behind him and turned to face him. 'What are you doing back, how is Shepard going to get off the station.'

'She sent me back when the Cerberus ships returned,' he frowned at Joker, 'I thought you listened in on the feeds.'

'I do,' he was angry with himself for getting distracted during a mission. 'I was checking something else out.'

'Kahlee Sanders is getting them out on a Cerberus shuttle,' Steve informed him and was about to leave when he glanced over at EDI. 'So this is the new body everyone's talking about?'

'Yes,' EDI nodded and Joker was surprised at how quickly she was picking up human movements. 'It seems to be proving quite popular with the crew.'

'Especially the men, I'll bet,' Steve laughed.

'It would seem so.' EDI agreed.

Joker glanced at EDI and it took a moment for Steve's comment to register. His eyes widened in realisation as Steve seemed to have the same thought.

'Damn, I think you're in trouble,' Steve was still laughing as the door closed between them.

Joker needed to be sure so he replayed the feed from the mess and groaned as the truth became clear. He thought back over his reaction at EDI's arrival and felt his guts churn. What the fuck was he thinking! But she couldn't really be ….., surely she knew better than that.

'We're heading out in a Cerberus shuttle, Joker.' Shepard's voice echoed around the cockpit and he sighed as he turned back to the controls.

'Locking on now,' he brought the ship to life and moved to rendezvous with them.

He joined In some light hearted banter with Jack but he was more concerned about how he was going to fix things with his wife. There was no way he was letting this escalate into something more. With that in mind he contacted Adams as the shuttle moved into the bay.


	55. Chapter 55

Joker leaned against the wall in the starboard observation lounge hoping he'd got things right. He'd been completely at a loss about what to do to fix things with Shepard and she hadn't made it easy by not coming to see him. He hadn't been able to get an idea of just how much trouble he was in. So he'd gone looking for help, which really didn't help at all, it simply confused him even more.

He kicked himself mentally many times, why had he been so stupid, why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut. He realised just how inexperienced he was when it came to relationships, he'd never understood how hard it was and he took his hat off to everyone who managed it. He still had a lot to learn, but so did Shepard. She's admitted that she hadn't had any long term relationships either. It seemed that they would be learning together.

He'd asked Vega for advice, he seemed to know his way around women so he'd hoped to get some clarification on the way they liked to be treated. He came away shaking his head. It appeared that Vega had never had to deal with the seriousness of relationships either. His idea of fixing things was to flirt and seduce without getting to the bottom of the problem. He did, however, reinforce Joker's belief that he was in trouble.

Garrus was no help either, his idea of sorting out their problems in a physical altercation definitely wouldn't work. The thought of broken bones was enough to send him directly to Dr Chakwas who offered sound advice, sort of. She suggested that he talk to her, find out what was wrong while polishing off the contents of a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. She seemed to think that alcohol would drive away the issue.

Liara suggested music and flowers to soften the mood and help Shepard relax, a little difficult to arrange on a ship in space, the flowers anyway. She told him to admit that it was all his fault, that Shepard had every right to be angry with him. She was right to a point but Joker thought Shepard knew how much he loved her, why would she doubt that. In the end it was Steve who gave him the best advice.

'You know in your heart what to do,' Steve had chuckled at him when Joker stood forlornly at his workstation. 'She needs to know that you love her, that she's the only one you want.'

'It's that simple?' Joker scoffed.

'Yep,' Steve nodded, 'it's that simple.'

So now here he was, waiting for her to join him. His shift ended an hour ago and he knew hers did too. She'd been in their quarters but he felt they needed more neutral ground. He was freshly showered and changed and all he wanted was to sort things out, so they could share their bed without the problems of what had been a very long day coming between them. He hoped everything didn't backfire because they were both tired.

He'd done what he could with the food they had on board, he'd borrowed the brandy from Chakwas, promising not to drink the entire bottle, he'd closed the shutter and prepared the room and he'd picked some soft music just in case. He'd sent her a message, asking her to join him for dinner and he was thankful when she said yes.

He jumped as the door opened and she walked in. She stopped inside the doorway and gasped. Joker had managed to find a few artificial candles in Kasumi's old room and Traynor had offered him a collection of scented petals which he'd scattered across the blanket he'd laid out on the floor. Liara had presented him with a couple of large cushions for comfort and he'd laid out their dinner between them. He liked to think it was romantic.

'Hey you,' he said softly and she turned to look at him.

'Hey yourself,' she gave him a half smile, there was still hurt there and it broke his heart to think he'd caused it.

He pushed himself off the wall and reached for her hand, thankful that she didn't pull away, 'I'm glad you came.' He stood before her and met her eyes, 'I wasn't sure you would, I know you're upset with me.'

'Are you sure you wouldn't rather be having dinner with your new fembot?' She sighed and looked away but he cupped her chin and made her face him.

'Ari, seriously? She's a collection of nuts and bolts, yeah okay, she's shapely, but do you really think I would be attracted to that?' He grinned as her eyebrows went up, 'she doesn't have your beautiful eyes, she doesn't have your soft lips,' he brushed his thumb across her mouth and she shivered. 'Why would I want something cold and metallic when I can have your warmth, your sexy body against me,' he ran his hands down her side and held her hips.

'You certainly seemed happy to see her,' Shepard tried to sound angry but it came out more like a pout.

'I was surprised, hey, I'm a perv, you know that and she is a space nerd's dream come to life,' he laughed as she frowned at him. 'It doesn't mean anything. Do you really think I'd choose her over you? I hate that you're hurting because I was stupid and didn't think before carrying on like a horny teenager. '

'You've spent a lot of time together in the last six months,' she reminded him.

'Most of that was working out how best to help you, how to get you out of prison and back where you belonged. It was EDI that made it possible for us to be together, who gave us our stolen moments.' He ran his fingers down her cheek and she leaned into his hand. 'She's not a threat to you, she's an AI, a robot, Ari. I gave you my heart, it's yours forever.'

'I'm sorry,' she groaned. 'I've never had to deal with this stuff before, I guess I over reacted.'

'Yes you did,' he chuckled, 'but I haven't had to deal with it before either. I'm sorry I caused you pain.' He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, 'I love you Ari Moreau, I always will.'

Joker was relieved when she buried her head under his chin and her arms slid around his back. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He'd missed her so much, he'd never believed that he could feel so strongly about someone but now he couldn't imagine feeling anything else.

'Thank you,' she whispered and he glanced down at her as she raised her head to look at him. 'For loving me enough to want to fix this, for not letting it get out of hand.'

'What choice did I have,' he grinned, 'I didn't want to go back to sleeping in my chair.' She slapped him playfully on the shoulder. 'Are you ready to eat?'

'You cooked?' She glanced past him as he nodded. 'I am hungry and it's been a long day.'

Joker couldn't wipe the grin off his face as they settled themselves on the blanket and he was even happier when she moaned in delight at his offering.

'This is nice,' she muttered around a mouthful of food and he chuckled. 'Did you have help?'

'No, other than the gift of a few supplies,' he shook his head, 'just don't ever ask Vega for relationship advice.' Her eyes widened and he grinned, 'for that matter, don't ask anyone on this ship, well, maybe Steve.'

'Now I'm curious,' she chuckled and before long they were both laughing at the sound advice Joker had been presented with.

* * *

Joker shook his head with a chuckle. He was listening in on the conversation between Wrex, Garrus and James down on Sur'kesh. Their discussion of how to serve Salarian livers was amusing and he was sure the Salarian guards were uncomfortable. Once again they were on a you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours mission. This time though he truly believed in the necessity of what they were doing.

Having Wrex back on board was great, as much as the Krogan was huge and prone to bluster Joker knew he had a softer, more caring side. Helping Wrex cure his people of the Genophage was a mission worth doing, the Krogan had suffered long enough at the hands of others. He knew this was a mission close to Shepard's heart, she loved Wrex like a brother and the idea of saving female Krogans brought out the romantic in her, not that she'd admit to it. Not only that, Wrex respected Joker and that was something extra special to him. Krogans didn't accept weakness and his disease was definitely that but his abilities made him worthy in the eyes of Wrex, and Grunt for that matter. He had been accepted by both as a warrior.

Things were back to the chaos that was normal for them. Shepard was managing to control her jealousy, even asking EDI about her new body, all the while with a death grip on his shoulder. She'd only released it when he'd covered her hand with his and squeezed. She'd come up to the cockpit before the mission and they'd gone through their customary pre-mission routine and that eased his worries more than he realised.

'Jeff, I'm picking up incoming ships,' Edi brought up the radar screen and Joker watched as several red dots appeared.

'Shit,' Joker knew that signal. 'Commander, we've got Cerberus ships inbound.' There was static on the other end and the feed from the planet disappeared. 'Damn it! EDI see if you can clear that jamming signal. Let's give these bastards something else to think about.'

Joker stirred the ship into life and brought the weapons on line, Garrus was going to be pissed he didn't get to fire them. They were still in stealth mode so Cerberus was unaware of their presence. There were several shuttles, a few fighters and two frigates, not difficult targets but he couldn't hit them all at once. He opted for the frigates, the shuttles were already headed for the surface and he had no doubt Shepard, her team and the Salarians could handle themselves.

'Everybody strap in and prepare for evasive manoeuvres, Cerberus has come to visit,' Joker closed the comm, fastened his harness, cracked his knuckles and took a deep breath. He was smiling as he moved them forward, waiting until they were clearly in view before dropping out of stealth. He could picture the surprised faces on the first frigate as the Normandy appeared on their radar, the panicked rush for evasion as he raced towards them, they were so close now, there was no time for those on board. But Shepard had rubbed off on him.

'EDI, target their engines and communications,' he felt the Normandy respond as he changed tack and slid across the hull of the frigate.

There was a split second where everything could go fubar and as only metres separated the two ships he held his breath. He felt the guns fire and the frigate rocked beneath them as he lifted the Normandy up and away. One ship dead in space.

'Holy crap!' a crewman yelled behind him but Joker ignored it.

He released his breath, Shepard would be proud. He could have destroyed them with one shot from the Thannix cannon but just because it was a Cerberus ship didn't mean everyone on it had to die. They still had life support for a while and escape pods if they wanted to flee.

'How that jamming coming, EDI?'

'It seems to be centred on the planet's surface, I am unable to remove it at the present time. I have however infiltrated the VI on board the second frigate and I am currently attempting to seize control. Their technicians are putting up a fight.'

He glanced up at the radar to see the second frigate closing from behind and the warning that they were being targeted. Joker sent the Normandy into a half roll and dropped away to port as the frigate fired. There was a good chance the Cerberus frigate had upgraded weapons, there seemed to be no expense spared on their ships. He doubted they had the Thannix cannon though so he was prepared for conventional weapons and kinetic barriers. His guess was confirmed as the launch of Javelins registered.

'Nice try,' he grinned as the Normandy danced up, over and around the incoming missiles, destroying them both with the Guardian lasers.

Joker had flown in space all his adult life. He was familiar with the reaction time of his ship, the fact that there was no force working against him like there was when flying in an atmosphere, nothing to slow him down except the power of his ship, or crashing into something. He'd often been amused by shuttle pilots who spent all their time flying around planets then when suddenly faced with the vacuum of space and the lack of environmental conditions struggled to compensate. Yeah, he knew about gravitational pulls, magnetic fields and everything else that went with working in space but he was good at his job. He didn't claim to be the best damn pilot in the fleet on a whim.

It was this knowledge and skill that allowed him to rotate the Normandy on her axis, bringing her nose around to face the frigate that was fast approaching. He knew exactly how long it would take for the engines to come back to full power, how many seconds he needed before he had forward movement and how long it would be before he had enough speed. His grin could have been called maniacal as he urged the Normandy forward.

The pilot of the frigate obviously didn't have anywhere near Joker's skill as the ship was slow to respond. Joker could picture the sheer terror in the cockpit as the Normandy came straight at them and they had little time to manoeuvre.

'Impact in three minutes,' EDI spoke beside him but he ignored her.

Adrenaline cursed through his system and sweat covered his forehead as Joker kept them moving forward. Timing was everything and Joker had played this game so many times at flight school, both on simulators and in the real thing. He'd never misjudged. He knew what panic did to pilots, he'd had his fair share, and he knew what the instinctual reactions would be. He didn't like to think of himself as cocky but he'd never been wrong.

'Impact in two minutes.'

'Engines and communications EDI,' his hands flew across his console as he controlled their path to the millimetre.

The pilot of the frigate was true to form and Joker smiled as the nose of the other ship dropped and they headed down towards the planet below.

'Now EDI,' Joker said calmly and the guns fired beneath him.

The frigate shuddered and died but it was already in motion and continued its nose dive. Joker could see the thrusters firing as the pilot tried to delay their entry into the atmosphere of Sur'kesh. If he was good he could get them into a planetary orbit but Joker didn't think he was that good. He put the Normandy into a high orbit and watched as the ship descended into the upper atmosphere then cursed angrily as the cargo bay opened and an atlas and shuttle dropped out. He didn't have time to stop them, Shepard would just have to take care of it. The frigate disappeared around the curve of the planet and Joker knew there was no pulling up from their descent.

'You can relax people,' he spoke into the comm, 'Cerberus is taken care of.' He released his harness and allowed himself to sink into his chair.

'That was impressive flying, Jeff,' EDI commented from beside him.

'All in a day's work,' he chuckled.

'I doubt Shepard would appreciate you playing chicken with the Normandy.'

'Yeah, well, she doesn't have to know,' he shrugged.

Behind him excited conversation caught his attention and he looked back to see the crew watching a replay of the fight on their screens. Damn, so much for Shepard not finding out. He sent a message to the Salarians and Alliance Command, letting them know about the Cerberus ship in orbit awaiting collection.

* * *

'Chicken! You played chicken with the Normandy!' James was almost giddy with excitement. 'That's insane! Man I wish I'd been aboard.' Joker laughed as he turned his chair towards them.

'What does a small, feathered creature that you eat have to do with battle?' Garrus' mandibles fluttered in confusion.

'Not a bird, Scars,' James raised his hands and proceeded to demonstrate the idea of playing chicken.

'That's gutsy play,' Garrus spoke respectfully and Joker understood just how much that meant from a Turian.

'Always knew you had a quad,' Wrex laughed as he walked onto the cockpit and was about to hit Joker on the shoulder but thought better of it. 'That was some flying, I just saw the vid.'

'There's a vid?' James looked at him wide eyed, 'gotta go watch that.' He dashed out, almost crashing into Shepard as she stepped into the cockpit.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau,' she spoke in her commander voice and stood at parade rest. Behind her the crew all turned to see what was going on. Garrus and Wrex stepped aside so she had a clear line of sight to Joker. 'I understand you played chicken with my ship, that you took down two Cerberus frigates without destroying them.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Joker could see the twinkle of amusement in her eyes and knew he wasn't really in trouble. 'Had to watch your back, ma'am.'

'Damn, that's why I love you,' she grinned and was on him in two strides, her hands on his face, her lips on his.

Garrus cleared his throat and Wrex just laughed. Joker was laughing as she pulled back, she wasn't usually so open with affection when they were on duty but he wasn't going to argue with her. He glanced over her shoulder and saw several of the crew gaping and he'd never felt prouder in his life.

'I had a little help,' he motioned towards EDI and Shepard glanced over at her.

'Jeff is being modest,' EDI corrected, 'I simply fired the guns and gave their technicians something to do.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Shepard nodded at her before stepping back from Joker. 'I'll see you for dinner,' she smiled and headed back towards the CIC then stopped and looked at the open doorway before glancing back questioningly at Joker.

'I had Adams fix it,' he shrugged.

She positively beamed at him then turned and walked away, Joker's eyes following as she deliberately emphasised the swing of her hips. Yep, things were definitely back to normal.


	56. Chapter 56

A/N: Sorry about the delay in updating. Things are a little chaotic at the moment, looking after 3 grandkids while the daughter is in Vancouver for two weeks, then I'm off into the Aussie outback for a week. I will update whenever possible in the next three weeks so please bear with me. Thanks to everyone still reading.

* * *

Joker was quickly becoming resigned to the fact that they seemed to be everyone's lackeys. It wasn't that he minded that they were helping where they could they just didn't seem to be making any headway against the Reapers. And Earth was suffering, shit, everywhere was suffering.

It was great to have some of the old team back, Mordin, Wrex, Liara and Garrus, it felt like a family reunion. Then to find Grunt, only to almost lose him, was a bonus, their little Krogan baby was all grown up. He'd heard Shepard's voice catch when Grunt volunteered to let her team escape, he had to admit to his eyes being moist at the thought of him dying. Shepard's voice shook when Grunt appeared out of that cave and even he was grinning madly. Freeing the Rachni Queen he wasn't so sure about, still any help was good.

That didn't stop the feeling that they were marching on the spot. Plus they were fighting a war on two fronts. After stopping Cerberus on Benning then invading one of their labs on Sanctum he wondered if the Illusive Man had gone completely insane. They were fighting to save humanity but he obviously wasn't on the same page, in fact, he was reading from a completely different book. For someone who put humanity first he was certainly going about it in a strange way.

Shepard was frustrated and worried, she might not show it but he could see it. He listened while she cursed, he held her while she poured out her grief for those she couldn't save, he kissed away her tears when her emotions got the better of her and he made love to her like every time could be their last. They made the most of what little time they spent together and that was what kept them going, kept them sane.

They were on their way back to the Citadel for a quick stop to resupply, drop off intel, survivors, other bits and pieces they'd found along the way and he knew Shepard wanted to check on Kaidan. She felt guilty that he'd been hurt on her watch, Joker had seen the pain in her eyes, she cared for every one of her team and Kaidan was no exception. Joker had listened while she'd explained why she could forgive him for Horizon, for doubting her. She knew his nature, just like she knew everyone on her team and crew, she understood the human condition better than anyone he knew.

He figured that if she didn't hold grudges or condemn someone for being themselves then he shouldn't either. Besides, he didn't have many friends, he'd kept himself apart for so long that only a few people could be considered close, considered a friend. He really couldn't afford to lose one, everyone was entitled to a second chance, he'd been lucky enough to get his. Kaidan had been his wingman and his straight man on the SR1, he missed that.

'How we doin', Joker?' Shepard stood behind him, her hand gently resting on his shoulder.

'Approaching the Citadel now,' he motioned out the window as the massive station became visible through the haze of the nebula that surrounded it. 'Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy requesting a vector and a berth.'

'Roger, Normandy, docking bay D24, immediate clearance granted' the operator on the other end sounded tired but quickly added, 'welcome back.'

Joker glanced up at Shepard with a smile, 'seems we're popular.' He chuckled as her brow furrowed, 'see all the extra ships,' he pointed outside, 'they're all waiting for a berth and we should have joined the queue. Maybe that Spectre status is paying off.'

'Or maybe they're just afraid no-one else is going to save their asses,' she scoffed and he laughed.

'There is that,' he nodded as he worked the controls.

'Shepard,' Garrus hurried towards them. 'I've just heard there are survivors from Palaven on the Citadel, I'd like to go and see if I can help.'

'Of course,' she nodded and Garrus gave the Turian equivalent of a relieved sigh. 'Do what you can, let me know if I can help. We'll be here for twenty four hours then we leave for Tuchanka.'

'Thanks,' he nodded and walked away.

The Normandy slid into her berth without so much as a bump and once the docking clamps were engaged Joker put the ship into lockdown. He'd been thinking about something and he turned to take Shepard's hand in his.

'Hey babe,' he pulled her down onto his lap. 'I want to take you to lunch, can we organise that somewhere in your busy schedule,' he kissed her neck as she leaned in to him.

'I'd like that,' she slipped her arms around his neck.

'Send me a message when you're free and we can meet at Apollos,' his forehead creased as he thought about the other thing he'd wanted to ask.

'Jeff?' She looked at him in concern and he knew he couldn't hide anything from her.

'I want to do something but I'm not sure how you'll feel about it,' he sighed and she cocked her head at him. 'I'd like to take EDI off the ship, give her the opportunity to spend time among people.' He watched as her eyes darkened and he felt her stiffen. 'Hear me out, please,' he tightened his hold on her so she couldn't escape. He had to do this now while EDI was in the AI core and he wanted to make sure Shepard didn't misunderstand his intentions.

'Okay,' she nodded and relaxed against him.

'You remember when you first brought Grunt on board, how you called him your Krogan baby because he had no experience, no memories other than what Okeer had planted. You wanted to guide him, help him understand the world he was born into.' She nodded and he felt a little more confident. 'EDI needs the same. Think about it, she's an AI sure, but she's only recently become self-aware. She has all this information about how people interact, how she should behave, deal with things. But she doesn't have the experience. She has no moral compass other than what she learns from us.

She has questions, lots of them. She wanted to come and talk to you but I wasn't sure you were ready for that so I told her to wait until you weren't so busy. She's been talking to others on the ship but she respects you the most, values your input. She needs guidance, just like a child does. She needs parents, just like Grunt did, and like it or not we're the closest thing she's got.' He waited for a moment while she thought about it, he knew he was right and he knew she would recognise that.

'I see your point,' she sighed and sat up so she could meet his eyes. 'I guess I've been thinking of her as a woman since she took over Eva's body, but she's not. I'm not saying I won't still see that but I can understand what you're saying. If you think it will help her grow then take her off the ship, but be careful, please.'

'Hey, it's better we do this than have her start believing in the Reapers and try to kill us all,' he slid his hand into her hair and pulled her down for a kiss. 'I love you, you know.'

'I love you too,' she smiled and brushed the side of his face. 'When did you get so smart?'

'I've always been smart,' he grinned, 'I just play dumb so people don't watch what they do or say around me, makes for great blackmail material.' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'Let the crew know they have twenty four hours,' she got to her feet and helped him to his. 'I'll see you for lunch.

* * *

Joker stepped into Kaidan's room at Huerta Memorial and shivered, he hated hospitals at the best of times but seeing him lying in the bed brought back unpleasant memories. The man was a mess, there didn't appear to be any part of him that wasn't bruised. Joker remembered when that had been him, after Alchera. He pushed the memory aside, things had changed since then, he'd changed, everyone had changed. There was no time left for resentment or hate.

It was hard to see someone he'd considered a friend in pain, bruised and battered and he wondered if Kaidan had felt the same when it had been him in that bed. He knew Kaidan's guilt had driven him into a darkness that almost killed him but he'd managed to claw his way back to sanity. Joker knew how hard it had been for him to be back on the Normandy, to work with Shepard and he hoped it didn't break him again. He'd left EDI outside, the last thing Kaidan needed was to see the body that put him in here.

'Hey, Joker,' Kaidan whispered from the bed, pulling Joker out of his thoughts.

'Kaidan, how are you doing?' He pulled up a chair and sat down.

'Didn't expect you to come visit,' he sighed and closed his eyes.

'Maybe I should go,' Joker went to stand, 'let you rest.'

'No, stay, please,' Kaidan shifted and looked at him. 'I'm glad you came. I didn't think you'd want to talk to me after my behaviour on Mars.'

'Yeah, another one of your asshole moments,' he shrugged as Kaidan groaned softly. 'Funnily enough it was Shepard that understood exactly where you were coming from, we had a long discussion about you.'

'Thought my ears were recovering from burns,' he grimaced as he chuckled.

'I guess if she can let you off the hook so can I,' he slouched back in the chair, 'besides, it's the end of the world as we know it so holding grudges seems wrong.' He sighed deeply before continuing, 'so, Spectre huh?

'Yeah, Udina thinks I'm perfect for the job. Not sure if I should take it. I'd rather be out there fighting on the front lines.'

'At least you'd have resources and power to help more on the front lines,' Joker pointed out then scoffed, 'not that there is a front line.'

'How are things out there? Shepard came to see me, wanted to check up on me but she didn't stay long. She's feeling guilty about me being here isn't she?'

'Yeah, you know what she's like, cares about everyone before herself. It's a struggle to get her to stop and take a breath sometimes.' Joker couldn't hide the concern in his voice. 'As for things out there: messy. On one hand we have Cerberus, on the other the Reapers and in between too much time spent searching for clues on how we win this war. It's fucking crazy! People are dying everywhere but we keep getting shit missions to help one person so they'll help either us or someone else. No-one seems to want to do anything just for the sake of doing good anymore.' He reigned in his frustration and sat forward.

'Have you heard from Anderson?'

'A few times, whenever he can spare the time to get to a QEC.' Joker scrubbed his hands over his face and pushed his cap back. 'It feels like we're wasting time while everyone else is dying. Things aren't good on Earth, shit, they're not good anywhere.'

'Yeah, I haven't heard from my parents since all this started,' Kaidan turned to stare out the window. 'They were heading out of Vancouver when everything went to hell, I hope they made it.'

'Shit,' Joker cursed softly, all too aware of what losing a parent was like. 'My mum was on Arcuturus, I was talking to her when the Reapers hit.'

'Fuck, Joker, I'm sorry,' Kaidan turned back to face him. 'What about your dad and sister?'

'Haven't heard, communications aren't real good right now.' Joker stood up and moved to look out the window. 'Liara is using her network to see if she can find out anything but so far no luck. The whole fucking galaxy is a mess and it's not going to get better any time soon. Shepard's carrying the weight on her shoulders, I'm trying to stop her from breaking under it but it's only the beginning. Everyone wants something from her and the worse it gets the more she's going to suffer for it. I'm afraid this is going to kill her, again. It's like she's some kind of saviour that's going to chase the Reapers away.' He wanted to hit something, to lash out but he couldn't risk the broken bones. 'Why does it have to be her?'

'We've always known she was special, there's just something about her that makes everyone want to follow her into hell because we know she'll bring us out the other side.'

'Ya think,' Joker waved his hands up and down his body, 'third time now.'

Kaidan snorted a laugh then groaned in pain, 'damn I need to get out of this bed.' He shifted a little and Joker turned towards him. 'At least you stood by her, some of us weren't so sensible. You're a lucky man, Joker, make the most of whatever time you have with her.'

'Oh I'll definitely do that,' he chuckled and Kaidan rolled his eyes. 'Hey, thanks Kaidan, for letting me vent, not that you're in any condition to stop me. It's nice to have a human ear, other than the doc.'

'Thanks for trusting me enough to do it,' Kaidan sat up a little and Joker held out his hand.

'Hey, you might be an asshole at times but we were friends once, I'd like to be again.'

'I'd like that,' Kaidan took his hand and shook it gently, 'I think we're going to need all the friends we can get.'

'All right, enough mushy stuff, I'd better go and meet Shepard,' he was almost at the door when Kaidan called to him.

'Joker, thanks for coming to see me, it means a lot.'

'Just get your ass out of that bed, we could use you on the Normandy.'

* * *

Joker watched in amazement as people went about their everyday lives. There was laughter, lots of calm conversation and shopping. The vids were showing everything but news about the war. The Citadel seemed to be encased in a bubble of denial.

'Hey you,' a hand slipped into his and he smiled as fingers interlaced with his.

'Hey yourself,' he looked up at Shepard from under his cap. 'Been busy?'

'Definitely, I've been running around all over the place. The worst part was having to tell the Ambassador about his son, that never gets easy.' She sat back in the seat and sighed, Joker could see how tired she was. 'I had a drink with Vega and some grunts at Purgatory, helped a C-Sec officer with an investigation, did some Spectre stuff.'

'Maybe you should head back to the Normandy and get some rest while you can.'

'Trying to get out of our date?' She raised her eyebrows at him.

'Not on your life, but I know how tired you are,' he slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her it towards him. They were in public but they were off duty, not that he cared, he was beyond that and he wanted to hold his wife when she needed it. From the way she eagerly leaned into him he guessed she felt the same.

'How is EDI enjoying her day trip?' She was staring across the plaza to where EDI stood watching people shop.

'I think she's enjoying herself. It's amazing really, you can see the latest Blasto movie, get helpful hints for making a house into a home, you can shop with ease. No-one seems to care that these big assed Reapers are on their way, or that an unshackled AI is among them. Maybe we should just bury our heads in the sand too.'

'They're in denial, they'll wake up soon enough,' she snuggled further into his chest and he felt her relax.

'Yeah, when another Reaper latches on to the Citadel and then they'll be all "oh, Commander Shepard, come save us!" just you watch.' She laughed at him waving his hands in the air in mock panic and he chuckled. 'How about we go get some lunch before that happens.'

'What about EDI?'

'I have that covered,' he brought up his omnitool and sent a message. 'Told you I wasn't trying to get out of our date.'

'Shepard,' EDI came and sat beside them. 'I have a question about organic behaviour.' She watched as Shepard nodded and Joker smiled inwardly, relieved that Shepard hadn't tensed up. 'Everyone is going about their business as if things are normal. They are not normal, the Reapers could wipe out all organic life tomorrow. Why are organics not panicking, why are they not preparing?'

'Organics tend to try and ignore things they have no control over. They often have an, it won't happen to me mentality. Also fear makes us want to reach for the familiar, to do what's normal until we can't.'

'So they deny the truth until that is no longer possible?'

'In most cases, yes. There will be some who are preparing, being with their families and accepting the worst case scenarios. It's an emotional response that sometimes seems irrational.'

'I see,' EDI seemed to think for a moment. 'I am glad then that I am on the Normandy with those I consider family, in case the worst happens.' Joker grinned at Shepard's surprised stare.

'Shepard,' Liara walked over and sat beside them. 'Anyone would think there isn't a war happening, these people have no idea.'

'See,' Joker pointed animatedly at Liara, 'I'm not the only one.'

'All right,' she silenced him with a kiss. 'Can we eat now, I'm starving.'

'You two go ahead, I'll make sure EDI gets back to the ship,' Liara waved them off. 'Enjoy it while you can.'

'Thanks Liara,' Joker took Shepard's offered hand as she helped him to his feet. 'Did you meet your father?'

'Yes,' she nodded slowly, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth. 'It was …. Interesting.'

'Now that you'll have to explain,' Joker laughed as Shepard grabbed his arm and started leading him away.

'Food, now, or I'll find someone else to feed me.'

'I like it when you get bossy,' Joker whispered in her ear and she shivered. 'Maybe after lunch we can take advantage of how quiet the Normandy is, my chair is big enough for two.' He laughed as her face flushed and her breath caught but she quickly ushered him into the café.

'If you feed me I might just be willing to let you have your way with me,' her voice was husky and low.

It was Joker's turn to flush and he shifted his stance as blood traveled south. Shepard laughed and he was extremely glad that he could still have that effect on her. He was also glad they were able to sit so quickly before his reactions drew attention. He was hoping there was something quick and easy on the menu as now he had other things on his mind.


End file.
